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  #1  
Old 03-11-20, 02:07 AM
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ADD man friend (also suffers from anxiety) blocked me — trying to make sense of it

TDLR: ADD man friend who has anxiety blocked me twice. He was/is going through a lot on both occasions, but I don't understand the need to block me when I'm not even being clingy/needy

I'm gonna be honest that I don't really know what I'm looking for here. There's nothing to resolve as I am blocked, but any input/opinion/relevant experience in the context of ADHD/Anxiety would be greatly appreciated. I know this is an ADD forum and this is long but please bear with me.

I started being friends with ADHD man (who also suffers from anxiety) almost two years ago (known him about 2.5 years since we're neighbors). I'll call him X. X and I would hang out from time to time, bump into each other and talk, and it was mostly friendly on my part. He on the other hand would flirt on and off. It was around this time when he mentioned he's diagnosed with ADD and was on Adderall at some point. The interaction was on and off but progressed over time. Fast forward to early last year, we became more comfortable and I caved. We started hanging out more in a romantic context. I noticed that he would say things that he would like for us to do but there was no follow through. I didn't react to them but I was being observant. I realized he would do this even when we were just friendly. He also said "I love you" far too early. Around this time, we were dealing with uncertainties (job and home loss for him, he started drinking a lot as a result, job transition for me, him moving out, travel plans for me..etc) which added to the hesitation from both ends. He also said he's feeling broken, "do you really want me like this?" type of thing but would also refer to me as his gf. After a short period of time of doing this, he completely shut down and said he's not relationship material. A day later he said he loves me but doesn't want to damage me. Same day sometime later said I love you I'll see you when you get back (I left for international travel). Casual texting followed and then he went silent. The confusing texts were all in a matter of 3-4 days. I tried to keep my mind off of it but when I came back, I found out I'm blocked when I called.

...8 months later, he apologized saying he was feeling so scattered and broken at that time. That he did want to be with me but didn't want to mess it up either and he didn't know what to do given the circumstance. I dismissed this as I didn't know what his intentions were, didn't want feelings of hurt to resurface... I just didn't know what to make of this sudden re-appearance. At this point we were already long distance because I moved, but we continued to communicate. Since I wasn't being intentional with my actions, I had a hard time rebuilding trust and anxiety built up. Up until this point, I haven't read up on ADD and didn't know that not following through, or him being intense were most probably because of it. Whenever I talked to people about the situation, they chalked it up to him BSing who doesn't follow through. This happened for over a month with my anxiety growing even when we met up 2 weeks ago, when it seemed apparent to me that he does want to be with me. We talked about taking it slow but he would still bring up possibility of kids, marriage.. I was very confused. What made matters worse was I wasn't communicating any of these because I wanted to enjoy each other and not ruin moments.

A week ago, he opened up about a family problem that's going on.. with which he said "I didn't really want to tell you this because it's embarrassing" and "I want you to know this because if we get into a serious relationship, this is what I'm dealing with"...etc. Said some supportive words, he responded, then went silent shortly after. He was a bit unresponsive the day after, and then the day after that, he called, sounding very impatient and not laughing at jokes unlike how he usually is. I asked him "have you had something to drink", and that's when he snapped. I'd like to note that he's been working on completely stopping drinking, but I didn't mean for it to sound accusatory. what I meant was that it probably wasn't a good time to talk because he sounded off. When I explained that, he said "I need to go, I'm not mad, just not very social"..and that was that.

I called 5 days later and found out I'm blocked again. I did send one text in between saying I'm excited to see him (as I'm gonna be in his area again), asking him light heartedly how things are going. No response.

Not asking for a resolution as to how to reach out or anything. I guess I'm just still feeling hurt about what happened and trying to make sense of it. I've talked to people about this and all I get is that he's an *******. Yes, he did hurt me. Logically I'd like to think it's unintentional because of other factors mentioned, most likely the overwhelmed feeling, but my mind keeps reverting back to: I felt very anxious, projected it on him and it pushed him away which I don't believe I did either.... maybe a little, but not really.
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Old 03-11-20, 07:42 PM
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Re: ADD man friend (also suffers from anxiety) blocked me — trying to make sense of i

Take a new picture. It's time for a change.
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Old 03-15-20, 03:53 AM
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Re: ADD man friend (also suffers from anxiety) blocked me — trying to make sense of i

First let me say that I am not a doc or psychologist and I am not normally one who jumps at diagnosing people or making assumptions about mental health with other people. My son got out of an ugly relationship last year with a truly borderline(diagnosed and being treated) girl and I read a ton about it when he told me her diagnosis. What you mentioned just jogged my memory so I wanted to share some of this with you as food for thought. Not disparaging people with this disorder or trying to say they are hopeless. This is just some info I had saved that resonated with me when reading your post.

Quote:

The Effect of BPD Symptoms on Intimacy
In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), the resource mental health professionals refer to when making a diagnosis, symptoms of BPD include intense, unstable, and conflicted personal relationships.

In essence, people with BPD are often terrified that others will leave them. However, they can also shift suddenly to feeling smothered and fearful of intimacy, which leads them to withdraw from relationships. The result is a constant back-and-forth between demands for love or attention and sudden withdrawal or isolation.

Another BPD symptom that particularly impacts relationships is called abandonment sensitivity.1 This can lead those with BPD to be constantly watching for signs that someone may leave them and to interpret even a minor event as a sign that abandonment is imminent. The emotions may result in frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, such as pleading, public scenes, and even physically preventing the other person from leaving.

Another common complaint of loved ones in borderline relationships is lying. While lying and deception are not part of the formal diagnostic criteria for BPD, many loved ones say lying is one of their biggest concerns; this can be because BPD causes people to see things very differently than others.

Impulsive sexuality is another classic symptom of BPD, and many people with BPD struggle with issues of sexuality. Also, a large percentage of people with BPD experienced childhood sexual abuse,2 which can make sex very complicated.

Finally, other symptoms of BPD, including impulsivity, self-harm,1 and dissociative symptoms, which can have an indirect impact on borderline relationships.

For example, if a loved one with BPD is engaging in impulsive behaviors like going on spending sprees, it can cause major stress within the family. In addition, suicidal gestures can be scary for romantic partners and can introduce lots of stress into the relationship.
Quote:

What Research Says About BPD and Romantic Relationships
Research has confirmed that people with BPD tend to have very stormy romantic relationships characterized by a great deal of tumult and dysfunction.3 For example, one study demonstrated that women with BPD symptoms reported greater chronic relationship stress and more frequent conflicts. Also, the more severe a person’s BPD symptoms are the less satisfaction their partner reports.

In addition, research has also shown that BPD symptoms are associated with a greater number of romantic relationships over time, and a higher incidence of unplanned pregnancies in women.4 People with BPD also tend to have more former partners and tend to terminate more relationships in their social networks than people without personality disorders. This suggests that romantic relationships with people with BPD are more likely to end in a breakup.

Finally, in terms of sex, research has shown that women with BPD have more negative attitudes about sex, are more likely to feel pressured into having sex with their partner, and are more ambivalent about sex than women without BPD.5

 Unfortunately, little research has been done on sexuality in men with BPD.
https://www.verywellmind.com/underst...onships-425217

Like I said it just sounded familiar to me. There are loads of people with BPD that are treated and completely stable and capable of good relationships.
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Old 03-15-20, 11:40 AM
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Re: ADD man friend (also suffers from anxiety) blocked me — trying to make sense of i

When someone goes from wanting a serious relationship and then suddenly cutting out a person completely, the problem lies in that person and it's definitely not something you did.

Hopefully he will find his way someday. I don't think you could have done anything to help him either. You can't help someone who isn't ready to help themselves.

If it's any consolation, I don't think he means to hurt you. It seems really all about him which isn't the kind of relationship you want to be in anyway.
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Old 03-17-20, 06:06 PM
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Re: ADD man friend (also suffers from anxiety) blocked me — trying to make sense of i

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
First let me say that I am not a doc or psychologist and I am not normally one who jumps at diagnosing people or making assumptions about mental health with other people. My son got out of an ugly relationship last year with a truly borderline(diagnosed and being treated) girl and I read a ton about it when he told me her diagnosis. What you mentioned just jogged my memory so I wanted to share some of this with you as food for thought. Not disparaging people with this disorder or trying to say they are hopeless. This is just some info I had saved that resonated with me when reading your post.

Like I said it just sounded familiar to me. There are loads of people with BPD that are treated and completely stable and capable of good relationships.
Hi sarah, thank you for your informative response. I read about these being associated (or part of) ADHD -- RSD, emotional dysregulation on Reddit, other forums.. I also browsed BPD a bit. One thing about him that doesn't sound consistent with BPD is that he's had long term relationships (ranging 2-4 years), dated in between. I know the last one was on and off though. I was thinking RSD (?) but I'm not really sure. I wish I educated myself about ADHD when he first mentioned it so I could've understood better.

Some of his behaviors that seemed odd to me makes sense now though.
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Old 03-17-20, 06:08 PM
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Re: ADD man friend (also suffers from anxiety) blocked me — trying to make sense of i

Quote:
Originally Posted by acdc01 View Post
When someone goes from wanting a serious relationship and then suddenly cutting out a person completely, the problem lies in that person and it's definitely not something you did.

Hopefully he will find his way someday. I don't think you could have done anything to help him either. You can't help someone who isn't ready to help themselves.

If it's any consolation, I don't think he means to hurt you. It seems really all about him which isn't the kind of relationship you want to be in anyway.
Thank you so much for that! I have been feeling better the last 2 days and my anxiety has shifted to the ongoing Corona pandemic, but this got me emotional a bit.

I couldn't help myself and called him 2 days ago. It seems I'm not blocked anymore but nothing from him still. But it's ok. I wouldn't know what to say to him anyway.
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Old 03-23-20, 06:48 AM
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Re: ADD man friend (also suffers from anxiety) blocked me — trying to make sense of i

Give him supportive space... I think the fact he opened up to you is a very positive and encouraging step...

It's possible he has withdrawn because he's opened up some vulnerability... and percieves that as weak / flawed...

When he comes back to the ground... let him know that you are greatfull for his honesty... and for trusting you enough to open up to you.

This is the most important thing.
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Old 03-27-20, 01:27 AM
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Re: ADD man friend (also suffers from anxiety) blocked me — trying to make sense of i

Quote:
Originally Posted by someothertime View Post
Give him supportive space... I think the fact he opened up to you is a very positive and encouraging step...

It's possible he has withdrawn because he's opened up some vulnerability... and percieves that as weak / flawed...

When he comes back to the ground... let him know that you are greatfull for his honesty... and for trusting you enough to open up to you.

This is the most important thing.
Thank you so much!
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