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Old 04-18-17, 03:44 PM
Letching Gray Letching Gray is offline
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Clueless in Shame

As a kid, I couldn't do things as others did. I couldn't explain why, either. I'd try but my mind would go blank. The authority figure would criticize me often in front of others, get angry and punish me, and I did not know what I'd done and I couldn't figure it out. In my mind I'd try to go over whatever the circumstances were. But, it was useless. I just could not figure out why or how I'd screwed up. That triggered my descent into ..... (I can't remember off-hand if I'm allowed to use the word that fits.) And by that word, I mean that word. It was humiliating, embarrassing, lonely to the nth degree, paralyzing, mystifying, and sparked bitter, powerful hatred for me and others. It was extremely intense, extremely. I was utterly devastated, didn't know what I'd done and there was no one to go to for comfort or to explain what had happened. I didn't know what happened and I had no way to describe it.

I'm grateful to have been diagnosed with this disorder, that it was discovered in me, that professionals could figure out what had plagued me my whole life, that I wasn't the worst person who ever lived, that I wasn't intentionally being bad, that not everything I was blamed for was my fault, that I had had a good heart and didn't mean to hurt so many people by being a screw up. I'm glad there are tools to help us. Yet, I still screw up and at a loss to explain what happened.

That happens infrequently now, but it does still occur and when it does it reminds me what a tender heart I once had. It reminds me that ADHD is real and that it was devastating to live with it undiagnosed for all those years. It is still embarrassing and humiliating. The terror that gripped me as a kid threatens to overwhelm me even now. So, I think, man, that you survived a childhood filled with those kinds of experiences is absolutely phenomenal. How did I get through those experiences?
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The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to Letching Gray For This Useful Post:
aeon (04-18-17), coolbanana (05-02-17), Fuzzy12 (04-19-17), Greyhound1 (04-18-17), midnightstar (04-19-17), namazu (04-18-17), stef (04-18-17), ToneTone (04-19-17)
 

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