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  #15016  
Old 05-18-17, 11:07 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

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Originally Posted by peripatetic View Post
i'm not in a good way right now and i just totally lied to my husband and he has no clue. i can feel myself on the verge of self isolating. it's, like, it's too soon for this to be happening again.
Sending a swift kick in the butt ... and a soft warm huggle. Anything you need,
I got your back.
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  #15017  
Old 05-18-17, 11:52 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

Sending you many hugs if you want them peri

bbl .......
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  #15018  
Old 05-19-17, 12:51 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

Sometimes it's okay to lie if it's done for self protection. I think it is anyhow.
It's never too late to be honest though. I often times find being honest to feel very freeing. When it's starting to make my world feel like it's collapsing in on itself...to just fess up.

I wish you would step back
From that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
That you've been living in



Please be safe ...please give yourself permission to be kind to yourself in these moments.
You've meant a whole heck of a lot to me lately I hope you know. I don't want to see you in harms way.

(((((((Pers)))))))
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  #15019  
Old 05-19-17, 01:28 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

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Originally Posted by peripatetic View Post
i'm not in a good way right now and i just totally lied to my husband and he has no clue. i can feel myself on the verge of self isolating. it's, like, it's too soon for this to be happening again.
Peri be good to yourself. Huge hugs
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  #15020  
Old 05-19-17, 03:19 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

i'm definitely been on the decline. i can add up this pattern of behavior over the last week and it's not a good picture. i canceled my therapy appointment tomorrow to avoid questions i don't want to answer. i have to confess to my partner that i'm not ok and that i have been doing things that could land me IP. and i feel like, i know i'm weird. i'm torn. but i keep having these dreams and i keep thinking morbid things and i'm starting to self isolate and ...just let people fade or be short with them so they'll stop reaching out.

i saw a portal today. which i know is because i had this realisation last week that my one medication ended up adjusted lower but i think maybe it wasn't the best plan, despite my pushing for it, and then i decided to save up, because i only get two weeks at a time, and in order to try and go back up to 350 from 300 i would have to skimp for a bit. but then i think skimping is having some effect and i also realise that the way titration works with clozari you can't go down and then go up by more than, like, 25mg. so basically i've just been reducing my meds to no avail.

and i'm just engaging in behavior that sounds bad if i were to type it, but it's like i just float toward it.

i'm going to be fine though, i'm sure. i don't know how or when or what's going to happen in the meantime, but i have a small girl and if nothing else, my desire to be with her is stronger than anything.

anyway, thanks for listening to me ramble. i have not passed a point of no return, not crossed the event horizon, but i've been tiptoeing along that edge and not really paying attention to it until i totally ******* lied and said i'm not having morbid thoughts and i've not reviewed or practiced and got my husband out of the house. it was like desperation to clear my head. i don't know why, but far more disturbing than the thinking and doing things is that i got away with it. and now i have to confess and what if he never trusts me again or what if he will not be deterred and insists i call my care team. i don't know that i won't get defensive. but at least i took all of my meds so if he asks i can hopefully keep calm and just say yes i took them, all of them, without getting aggressively defensive about being questioned.

but then, i deserve to be questioned, on some level. but my plan wasn't to discontinue. it makes sense if you're in my head. to save up some, squirrel fifty away here and there in order to then see if it just needs increased back to where it was because the zyprexa got re added and that's why it was dropped down. well, and at my pleading request. but i feel like....maybe it was a mistake to insist and if i can fix myself then i can go to my psychiatrist and admit i was maybe wrong to insist on tapering down as far as possible and i should maybe go back up. but i want to fix it first.

****, i'm so tired. i should be though, i mean, i just took 200 mg along with my ativan. i can feel tightness in my chest from the anxiety lessening, and i haven't had graphic intrusive images today and that works in my favour at the moment, but then peace feels almost too good and most definitely undeserved.

anyway...i'm going to poke around and then fall asleep. thank you all for you kind wishes.xx
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  #15021  
Old 05-19-17, 09:48 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

Psycho, I may have to give Jonathon Mardukas my watch after all.

And to make matters worse, watch guy hasn't even finished the other one.

Maybe he'll give me the money belt.

I am inconsolable.
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  #15022  
Old 05-19-17, 10:43 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

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Originally Posted by Little Missy View Post
Stef is AWOL!!!
I īm here!
I pushed myself too hard, refused to believe i was sick ( bronchitis), and have been thoroughly exhausted
Stupid time management class i took in April, made me feel i was invincible...
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  #15023  
Old 05-19-17, 11:03 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

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Originally Posted by Little Missy View Post
Psycho, I may have to give Jonathon Mardukas my watch after all.

And to make matters worse, watch guy hasn't even finished the other one.

Maybe he'll give me the money belt.

I am inconsolable.
Oh

I'm sorry lil Miss Miss.

But look at the post just above this! IT'S THE STEF-STEFS!!! That's gotta provide at least some comfort?

(((((((Missy)))))))

(((((((Stefsy)))))))
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  #15024  
Old 05-19-17, 11:16 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

rough day today .......
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  #15025  
Old 05-19-17, 11:39 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

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Originally Posted by stef View Post
I īm here!
I pushed myself too hard, refused to believe i was sick ( bronchitis), and have been thoroughly exhausted
Stupid time management class i took in April, made me feel i was invincible...
Ick. Bronchitis is awful. Hope you're all recovered soon and taking good care of
yourself.
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  #15026  
Old 05-19-17, 12:05 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

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Originally Posted by stef View Post
I īm here!
I pushed myself too hard, refused to believe i was sick ( bronchitis), and have been thoroughly exhausted
Stupid time management class i took in April, made me feel i was invincible...
See everyone? Invincible even without Adderall!

Man, bronchitis is bad. The weakness...unable to barely push buttons. I hope Crabby Pants misses you and realizes you are The Best!

Feel better. Watch American shows in French.
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  #15027  
Old 05-19-17, 12:20 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

I just heard someone not wash their hands after using the toilet and ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY
  #15028  
Old 05-19-17, 11:02 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

i've made some really poor choices in the past week+ and i think i'm about to pay for them.

i'm also super in need of distraction and can't seem to make that happen.
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  #15029  
Old 05-19-17, 11:36 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

I can't for the life of me figure out why some of my past mistakes want to keep haunting me now. For years they never crossed my mind and now they won't leave me alone. Just go away! [/font]
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  #15030  
Old 05-20-17, 06:57 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

I hate the new license plates.
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