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  #31  
Old 05-18-17, 06:10 PM
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Re: ...My mom has passed away.

It's so sad to hear everything you have to go through right now. But you're doing so well by writing your feelings down the way you do. You have a gift for words. Keep going, my friend.
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  #32  
Old 05-19-17, 01:07 AM
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Re: ...My mom has passed away.

But I don't want to say goodbye.
I'm not ready to let go.
I still don't know how tomorrow begins.

For now I'm okay with tomorrow not coming.

It hits me in waves. I'm a walking cliche.
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  #33  
Old 05-19-17, 04:13 AM
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Re: ...My mom has passed away.

Quote:
Originally Posted by psychopathetic View Post
But I don't want to say goodbye.
I'm not ready to let go.
I still don't know how tomorrow begins.

For now I'm okay with tomorrow not coming.

It hits me in waves. I'm a walking cliche.
Grief mostly comes in waves and every feeling you have, whether it's sadness, anger, anxiety or whatever is okay. I'm with you in my thoughts, Psycho.
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  #34  
Old 05-19-17, 04:24 AM
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Re: ...My mom has passed away.

Quote:
Originally Posted by psychopathetic View Post
But I don't want to say goodbye.
I'm not ready to let go.
I still don't know how tomorrow begins.

For now I'm okay with tomorrow not coming.

It hits me in waves. I'm a walking cliche.
Yup human!!!!

whatever you are feeling it's Ok. Just be very very kind to yourself. You've experienced a terrible loss. You need all the kindness that you can get...especially from yourself.
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  #35  
Old 05-19-17, 12:22 PM
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Re: ...My mom has passed away.

I am so so so sorry for your loss. So sorry. May she rest in peace <3 Hugs.
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  #36  
Old 05-19-17, 01:54 PM
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Re: ...My mom has passed away.

Wow, some of those posts you've made could be the start of a small book on grieving.
Or at least an article somewhere..

Much better talking it out(actually typing) than bottling it all up inside only to have some minor thing later cause it all to finally come out. (Not that I did it that way - I was in my 50's before I really greived some things from my childhood.)
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  #37  
Old 05-20-17, 07:26 AM
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Re: ...My mom has passed away.

I'd really like to call her.

I did so almost everyday.
I spend too much time locked away in my apartment. Alone.
Calling her to check in kept me grounded. Kept the walls from closing in. Reminded me that there's a world outside...reminds me that I'm not really all that alone.

So I called last night. Asked how she was doing and asked her what her plans were for the day.
She's still doing good. She can't believe how much better she's feeling after her procedure last weekend. How much clearer she's able to think!
She's also got no plans for the day. She just wants to catch up on some of her tv shows she's got saved to her DVR. It's 90% full she tells me. She hopes my dad doesn't get up for at least 2 more hours so that she can watch a couple of her soap operas while he's napping. Says she doesn't have anything recorded that he'd want to watch with her.

She made a tator tot casserole the night before...so she's just going to reheat that and have left overs for dinner.

I tell her I have an apointment with the sleep study center in a town 30 miles away this coming up monday. She plans on going with me. She'd like to stop at the dollar tree, walmart and walgreens...she's hoping walgreens will have some stationary she likes that can only be found there in stock. I like going to walgreens cause once in a great while they've got some really cute things on great clearance, and they sometimes stock some neat board/card games I can't find elsewhere locally.
We plan on eating at taco bell that day. They've got some new chicken nuggets I want to try out. My mom loves their $5 combos.

And my parents watch a couple of really cool kids (brothers) on saturdays. I really look forward to hanging out with them, but dang...over the past 3-6 months I've been having a tough time getting over there. They get to my parent's house at 9am...and sometimes...because of my messed up sleep...I'm not even falling asleep until that time!
But dang...it's been 6 or 7 weeks now since I've seen the boys. I miss them!
And my poor dad's still recovering from his open heart surgery, so he's gotta take it easy...
So I tell my mom that I'll plan on coming over in the morning to make the boys breakfast.
She tells me she just went to the store earlier and bought some fresh eggs, and some turkey bacon. I plan on making some eggs, bacon, and waffles for everyone this morning . I REALLY need to invest in getting a waffle maker that can make more than 2 waffles at a time! lol...it always takes me forever...but I do love me some waffles!!

And with that...we say our goodbyes.
They often re-energize me. These little phone calls with my mom. These check ins.
Nothing exciting talked about. But it's just nice to hear a familiar voice. It breaks up the boredom and monotony of my days.
Plus I like shopping with my mom. I'm glad she'll be going out with me on Monday. Now I've got something to look forward to.

...
I went to the store yesterday...I was in the middle of an isle and saw a star wars toy on clearance. I almost burst into tears...lol what kind of a fool I would've looked like.
I'm confused on what things I should hold onto...and what things to let go of.
Things me and my mom did together...or had in common.
I decided I'm not going to let go of star wars. It was her and I's thing...but it's a thing I'll carry on. With her. For her.
I bought a $45 R2D2 remote robot yesterday...even though I can not afford it this month...because my mom would've wanted me too. Or more likely, she would've bought it herself.
I've had my eye on t his robot for a couple of years now. When it came out, it was $100. Then it dropped to $75...then to $65. Both me and my mom have been super tempted these last few months to pick it up for the $65...cause it's just such a cool toy/collectable for the money.
Well yesterday it was on clearance for $45. I had to buy it. For my mom.

...
I miss my mommy guys I miss her so much. I want to get over this and I don't know that I can.
I miss her.
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  #38  
Old 05-20-17, 09:45 AM
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Re: ...My mom has passed away.

Quote:
Originally Posted by psychopathetic View Post
I'd really like to call her.

I did so almost everyday.
I spend too much time locked away in my apartment. Alone.
Calling her to check in kept me grounded. Kept the walls from closing in. Reminded me that there's a world outside...reminds me that I'm not really all that alone.

So I called last night. Asked how she was doing and asked her what her plans were for the day.
She's still doing good. She can't believe how much better she's feeling after her procedure last weekend. How much clearer she's able to think!
She's also got no plans for the day. She just wants to catch up on some of her tv shows she's got saved to her DVR. It's 90% full she tells me. She hopes my dad doesn't get up for at least 2 more hours so that she can watch a couple of her soap operas while he's napping. Says she doesn't have anything recorded that he'd want to watch with her.

She made a tator tot casserole the night before...so she's just going to reheat that and have left overs for dinner.

I tell her I have an apointment with the sleep study center in a town 30 miles away this coming up monday. She plans on going with me. She'd like to stop at the dollar tree, walmart and walgreens...she's hoping walgreens will have some stationary she likes that can only be found there in stock. I like going to walgreens cause once in a great while they've got some really cute things on great clearance, and they sometimes stock some neat board/card games I can't find elsewhere locally.
We plan on eating at taco bell that day. They've got some new chicken nuggets I want to try out. My mom loves their $5 combos.

And my parents watch a couple of really cool kids (brothers) on saturdays. I really look forward to hanging out with them, but dang...over the past 3-6 months I've been having a tough time getting over there. They get to my parent's house at 9am...and sometimes...because of my messed up sleep...I'm not even falling asleep until that time!
But dang...it's been 6 or 7 weeks now since I've seen the boys. I miss them!
And my poor dad's still recovering from his open heart surgery, so he's gotta take it easy...
So I tell my mom that I'll plan on coming over in the morning to make the boys breakfast.
She tells me she just went to the store earlier and bought some fresh eggs, and some turkey bacon. I plan on making some eggs, bacon, and waffles for everyone this morning . I REALLY need to invest in getting a waffle maker that can make more than 2 waffles at a time! lol...it always takes me forever...but I do love me some waffles!!

And with that...we say our goodbyes.
They often re-energize me. These little phone calls with my mom. These check ins.
Nothing exciting talked about. But it's just nice to hear a familiar voice. It breaks up the boredom and monotony of my days.
Plus I like shopping with my mom. I'm glad she'll be going out with me on Monday. Now I've got something to look forward to.

...
I went to the store yesterday...I was in the middle of an isle and saw a star wars toy on clearance. I almost burst into tears...lol what kind of a fool I would've looked like.
I'm confused on what things I should hold onto...and what things to let go of.
Things me and my mom did together...or had in common.
I decided I'm not going to let go of star wars. It was her and I's thing...but it's a thing I'll carry on. With her. For her.
I bought a $45 R2D2 remote robot yesterday...even though I can not afford it this month...because my mom would've wanted me too. Or more likely, she would've bought it herself.
I've had my eye on t his robot for a couple of years now. When it came out, it was $100. Then it dropped to $75...then to $65. Both me and my mom have been super tempted these last few months to pick it up for the $65...cause it's just such a cool toy/collectable for the money.
Well yesterday it was on clearance for $45. I had to buy it. For my mom.

...
I miss my mommy guys I miss her so much. I want to get over this and I don't know that I can.
I miss her.
You will get over this psycho. At least, it will stop hurting so much eventually. It will take time. Give yourself time to grieve.

Your descriptions of spending time with her are so beautiful and I'm glad you got the robot.

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  #39  
Old 05-20-17, 01:02 PM
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Re: ...My mom has passed away.

Oh I am so so sorry. Losing a beloved parent leaves a gaping, jagged hole that can never be refilled.

The pain is exquisite. Unbearable.

Time will not heal the wound. NOTHING will heal the wound. But it DOES get less painful.

I am so sorry, Psycho. This is just devastating.

{{hugs}}
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  #40  
Old 05-20-17, 01:08 PM
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Re: ...My mom has passed away.

It never goes away, it just gets less raw and slightly easier with time.
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  #41  
Old 05-20-17, 02:56 PM
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Re: ...My mom has passed away.

I just want to take a moment to thank you all.

Thank you for all the love, the thoughts, the replies. It really does mean a lot to me. And thanks to you who have reached out to me in private messages. Some of you have even given me your personal e-mail addresses, and even phone numbers to call if I needed.

I'm sorry I haven't replied...but I truly do appreciate the outpouring of support and friendship you guys have given me.

On Tuesday I wasn't sure how I was going to get through this...when I felt so alone. I don't really have any friends in the 3d world anymore, and my dad isn't someone I feel safe with being vulnerable/sensitive around so I knew he'd be not much help with this.

It was really always my mom. She's always the one in the background of my life. She's the one in the 3d world I got to vent to, to go to when needed, to reach out to.
I don't have her to reach out to on this...and so wanted there to be someone out there to reach out to. I thought I was going to get lost. I was lost.

But you guys have been here for me...and omg. Thank you. <3

Thank you for letting me have a safe place to land. To come and weep. To remember. To miss. To talk and to ramble and to smile and to frown.
I haven't felt as alone as I thought I'd feel this week. This thread has provided me a place to be heard and to feel supported...and sometimes I need that. I just want to know people care.

So thank you guys.
It really means a lot for me to have this place. I'd still feel so lost without you.

(((((((Hugs)))))))
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  #42  
Old 05-20-17, 05:18 PM
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Re: ...My mom has passed away.

psycho I can't remember if I included my email address in my message to you, if I didn't I'm happy to send it if you want it
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Old 05-20-17, 06:02 PM
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Re: ...My mom has passed away.

It's okay Midsy Thank you so much for the offer though. I haven't e-mailed or called anyone who's offered. I don't know if that's rude of me or not . (((Hugs)))

...
I just found my mom's obituary online. I haven't even read the whole thing yet...I wonder who made it for her. Must've been her sisters <3. I'm going to copy/paste it here and read it as I go...will delete anything sensitive (names and locations) as needed.

...

Quote:
1961 - 2017
<-------> passed away unexpectedly on Tuesday, May 16, 2017 due to complications following surgery; with her parents and sister, <------->, by her side. She was a wonderful wife, mother, grandmother, daughter, sister, aunt, and friend.<-------> was born on June 3, 1961 in <------->, Utah to <-------> as the second daughter of five girls.
She had a wonderful childhood growing up in <------->, Wyoming.<-------> graduated from <-------> High School in 1979. She participated in the Winter Fair pageant and was awarded Miss Congeniality.
<-------> married her high school sweetheart, <------->, on September 12, 1981. They have two children, <-------> and <------->.
<-------> lived most of her life in <------->, but had multiple friends wherever she went.
<-------> loved working as a secretary at several health care services in <------->.
She was an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and enjoyed serving in any capacity. For many years she typed the Sunday ward bulletin program and the monthly Relief Society newsletter. She willingly shared her testimony of Jesus Christ.
<-------> had many health trials and challenges throughout most of her life, including numerous surgeries. The majority of her days were filled with pain, although anyone wouldn't know that by being around her. She radiated joy and happiness wherever she was; being positive, finding joy in everything. A cheerful disposition, smiling face, and enjoyment for life were a part of each day.
Although <-------> was in pain most of her life, she was continuously cheerful and loved to make other people happy. She enjoyed writing little notes or cards, talking on the phone, keeping in contact through email or facebook, and video-chatting.<-------> was well known for her little notes, words of encouragement, and expressions of love. She went out of her way to make sure everyone was included and felt loved.
Her life was full of loving service. She took pleasure in doing little thoughtful things for others, which always brought a smile to the recipient and brightened their day. She loved holidays and delighted in creating and delivering goodies and uplifting words. She was selfless and kind to all.
<-------> was a big kid at heart and could make anything be fun. Whenever there were grandchildren or nieces and nephews around, she would be found spending time with them. At any family gathering, she would always be found playing games with the children or taking them to City Park or up the canyon. She was the favorite fun-loving aunt and grandma to so many.<-------> always had time for anyone and everyone. She tried to make sure everyone had fun and created numerous wonderful memories.
<-------> was very social and enjoyed any reason to get together with family and friends. She showed Christ-like love to everyone unconditionally. No one was a stranger to her. She had room in her heart for everyone and had a way of making anyone feel special.
<-------> loved the canyon and lakes near <-------> and would spend many afternoons or evenings in the mountains, usually with her husband or son. She loved having a fire to sit by and enjoyed looking at the stars.
Her bubbly personality and laughter were contagious and leaves a void that cannot be filled.
<-------> is survived by her husband, <------->; her children: <------->and <------->; her grandchildren:<------->; her parents:<------->; her sisters: <------->; as well as numerous nieces and nephews.
Funeral services will be held Wednesday, May 24, 2017 at 10 am at The <------->. Family and friends may meet on Tuesday, May 23, from 5:00-7:00 at <------->, and on Wednesday morning at the <-------> at 9:00 prior to the services. Burial will be in the <-------> Cemetery.
...
I miss you mom I wish you'd come home.
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  #44  
Old 05-20-17, 06:08 PM
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Re: ...My mom has passed away.

Quote:
Originally Posted by psychopathetic View Post
It's okay Midsy Thank you so much for the offer though. I haven't e-mailed or called anyone who's offered. I don't know if that's rude of me or not . (((Hugs)))

...
I just found my mom's obituary online. I haven't even read the whole thing yet...I wonder who made it for her. Must've been her sisters <3. I'm going to copy/paste it here and read it as I go...will delete anything sensitive (names and locations) as needed.

...

...
I miss you mom I wish you'd come home.
She is home.
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The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you are uncool ~ Lester Bangs

And in the end, the love you take; is equal to the love you make...Beatles Abbey Road 1969
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Old 05-20-17, 06:13 PM
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Re: ...My mom has passed away.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Missy View Post
She is home.
And her home is brighter for it indeed.
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((((((((((((((MOM))))))))))))))
I'll always fondly remember.

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