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Old 07-09-11, 02:17 PM
CaptainCadet CaptainCadet is offline
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I know the problem, I know the why's behind the problem, I just don't know the answer

The problem: My pdoc can't tell me what's wrong with me.

The why: He can't tell me what's wrong with me, because I'm not telling him what's wrong with me entirely.

The why behind the why: I can't tell him what's wrong with me entirely because I don't feel like I can say it out loud. I don't know. I can say it in my head, I just can't write it down. I can't say it out loud.

The answer: ???

I don't know what to do. I can't tell him what I need to tell him, so he can't help me. I knew this was going to be a problem from day 1, but I found a bit of a loophole finally. I never went in, I never complained, because I knew I wouldn't be able to just say what was going on in my head. Too much anxiety over it, I literally get paralyzed just thinking about telling someone my problems.

But...the ADHD umbrella describes my problems to a T. I also feel sufficiently disconnected from the term "ADHD" to be able to say it. It was still really hard to say it. I had to say that I wanted to talk about ADHD with a doctor, but when I was making the appointment I had so much anxiety I almost didn't get it out. It took me like 5 minutes just staring at a piece of paper before I could just write it down and hand it to her.

Either way...the point is that ADHD-"looking" problems + recurrent suicidal thoughts (for a long long time) is what I went in for. Except, I didn't mention the suicidal thoughts until I was asked about it.

Which was part of the plan. I wasn't sure I would be able to be honest about it...but I was. Sort of. It quickly became a blur when I explained it so I'm pretty sure there was at least some "smoothing over" done because my anxiety was through the roof.

The reason for that is because the thing that really kept me "here" -- the thing I would always fall back on when I had those thoughts, was how it would affect my mom. And I couldn't do that to her. And recently I realized she's mortal too...and we had a few scares. Which really kept me to thinking about how I don't want to end my life one night because I'm feeling down and can't think of any reason to live (I mean I have lots of them, it's just...that's the only one I could really "latch" on when I'm feeling that way.)

Anyway...so that's why I really wanted to go in. Mostly for that. That seems to be under control with prozac. I have no idea if it's prozac, placebo, talking about it, etc. I don't know what "did" it. I just know it's taken care of, I can feel it. Which I'm eternally grateful for of course.

But that still leaves...all the other problems. I went to the pdoc, I basically told him my main complaint was lack of concentration and focusing on things. Okay, pretty vague. It was hard to go into detail, but I couldn't tell him that either. I feel like if someone just knew I was having trouble going into details it would be too much. Too much what? I have no idea. Just the same paralyzing anxiety I get when I think about telling someone.

But I think, I think I'm getting an idea of what it's all centered around. I have an impossibly hard time with owning up to my mistakes. I don't know why. It's totally irrational. Logically, I sit here and I'm thinking: you made a mistake. Okay, move on. Own up to it, learn from it, continue on.

But no. Something "stops" me from doing that. I don't know what it is. It's been that way for a looong time, not my entire life no, but a looong time. Probably during high school is when it started. Probably around the time I started letting my "skills" get to my head.

I feel like I've since fixed my dumb hot-headedness, which cost me a lot (both the hot-headedness and the process of fixing it.) But...I still can't own up to my own mistakes. Not REALLY.

I mean, I constantly blame other people for things that clearly aren't their fault. But I don't MEAN it. I just say it. It just comes out of my mouth. It's very frustrating. I'm starting to be forced to own up to them, and it's a real struggle. I don't even know why. It just shouldn't be. I don't look down on other people when they make mistakes, I don't care if people look down on me for making them, so what's the hold up??

Maybe that's the root of why I can't go into detail about my problems. I want to fix the situation with my pdoc, I want to explain how I wasn't very uhm...what's the word...starts with a 'c'...or does it...christ...comp..competent? No that's not it, but close enough. I wasn't competent at explaining my problems originally, and now I feel like if I go back and change it then that's a mistake I would have to own up to.

But I originally went in with hopes (well this kinda happened when I first went to the pdoc, not the original appointment with the GP) that I'd get put on something for anxiety, and then be able to discuss the stuff I knew I'd have trouble discussing.

Maybe that's happening, maybe it's not. I don't know.

But...I just don't know where to go from here. Like...how can I possibly talk about something that gives me paralyzing anxiety to talk about? How can I own up to my mistakes if I don't know what's stopping me from owning up to them?

So why can't my doctors tell me what's wrong with me? I know now why...it's because I'm not telling THEM what's wrong with me. I think I've been projecting my own insecurity about the whole situation onto them, which is why I just have felt so uncomfortable about talking about anything even more. So it's just all snow-balling.

It occurred to me half way through writing this that I should just print this out and take it to the next appointment. Just do it you know? Don't think about it...just do it. If I think about it, then I don't know that I'll do it. But if I don't think about it...if I just DO it. I'm good at that. But that anxiety is still creeping up, just thinking about just doing it. But maybe that's not just doing it. That's thinking about doing something, which causes anxiety. Unfortunately this requires some prep (printing it out)..so...I dunno.

Sometimes I just need to write stuff, sorry for the long post.
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Old 07-09-11, 03:28 PM
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Re: I know the problem, I know the why's behind the problem, I just don't know the an

You hit the nail on the head. Print this out and take it with you. Hand it to the doctor as soon as you see him. It's easy to come on a forum and spill your guts. We can't intimidate you like a doctor can. No one is staring at you when you are telling your story. No one is in a hurry to see another patient here. You aren't rushed. You have the time to re-read and edit what you are saying in your thread/response.

Your anxiety/depression seems to be under control. Now that it is, it's possible for your pdoc to look at other causes for your lack of focus, concentration, forgetfulness. If you REALLY want that taken care of, you'll have to tell him what's going on. Is it possible that you are afraid of being diagnosed with ADHD? Are you afraid of what your parents would think or friends if they knew?

If you can hand the doc a copy of this, you will be making great strides towards getting the help you want and need.
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  #3  
Old 07-09-11, 04:21 PM
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Re: I know the problem, I know the why's behind the problem, I just don't know the an

Quote:
I don't know what to do. I can't tell him what I need to tell him, so he can't help me. I knew this was going to be a problem from day 1,
You accomplished this self-fulfilled prophecy.

Quote:
Either way...the point is that ADHD-"looking" problems + recurrent suicidal thoughts (for a long long time) is what I went in for. Except, I didn't mention the suicidal thoughts until I was asked about it.
So... what your saying is...You went to the hospital emergency room, having a heart attack and a broken leg... and while they were treating your broken leg you never mentioned the chest pains? I'm glad your doctor noticed that you were sweating profusely and short of breath.

Quote:
The reason for that is because the thing that really kept me "here" -- the thing I would always fall back on when I had those thoughts, was how it would affect my mom. And I couldn't do that to her.
I'm glad you were able to see how the consequences of that very poor and permanent choice would affect your Mom. I too thought about my daughters and pictured them crying at my funeral. But CC that's not enough, your presence on this planet should never be dependent on someone else's reaction to you not being "here" anymore.



You have built your own prison... If your screaming for someone to come with a key to let you out.... nobody's coming.... there is only one key... and you have it.

Look CC... I don't understand the component of anxiety in someone's life. I will not insult you and say I can imagine.(I seem to have the opposite problem- I don't react to anything). I am no expert in anxiety issues, I am very new to this ADHD subject, my understanding of it is still in its infancy.

What I will claim to be an expert in, is suffering, self-loathing and guilt.

Your post reeks of these feelings.

You are supposed to move forward and live life on some linear track, yeah there are a ton of bumps and bruises going down this road..but the future is ahead and the past is behind.

You seem to be living life going in circles feeding an insatiable vicious cycle of self-abuse and retribution... just when is enough enough.. If I were to guess, I would bet you have served your penance many times over.

How is life right now more comfortable, than it would be if you gave your doctor all the pieces to your puzzle. How will the picture become complete and clear unless you hand over the remaining pieces?

I have found only one path to recovery... it involves honesty, truthfulness, and most importantly you MUST put everything on the table. Anything less than that and you will never release the weight and burden that is currently torturing you right now.

How is your "best thinking" working for you?

Are you "sick and tired of being sick and tired"?

If its in you... let it out..


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Old 07-09-11, 06:18 PM
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Re: I know the problem, I know the why's behind the problem, I just don't know the an

Quote:
Originally Posted by BR549 View Post
You hit the nail on the head. Print this out and take it with you. Hand it to the doctor as soon as you see him. It's easy to come on a forum and spill your guts. We can't intimidate you like a doctor can. No one is staring at you when you are telling your story. No one is in a hurry to see another patient here. You aren't rushed. You have the time to re-read and edit what you are saying in your thread/response.

Your anxiety/depression seems to be under control. Now that it is, it's possible for your pdoc to look at other causes for your lack of focus, concentration, forgetfulness. If you REALLY want that taken care of, you'll have to tell him what's going on. Is it possible that you are afraid of being diagnosed with ADHD? Are you afraid of what your parents would think or friends if they knew?

If you can hand the doc a copy of this, you will be making great strides towards getting the help you want and need.
Very afraid of what my family would think if they knew I was looking into mental health. They think psychology/"mental health" is a farce and everyone needs to just toughen up...or something like that.

I dunno about my friends. I don't think I'd tell them if I had ADHD, but at the same time I had no problems discussing the "maybe" OCD with them. I have no idea.

I don't know what it is. I really want to tell him, but it's like I just can't. I don't know why...I tried really hard and thought I was pretty well prepared at the last visit...and I completely choked. My mind went blank and I had no idea what to say. Which only added to the anxiety of saying anything...so I gave up.

I think this would be a good post to take with me. I'm going to try to. Maybe that will give him some insight into what is going on in my head.

edit: I don't think I am depressed, or was depressed. Maybe a long long time ago, but not for a long while I don't think. I'm still having problems with anxiety over talking about "me" though. Granted, I did find myself having the self confidence to be more "me" than usual this 4th of july, which I was quite happy about.

But yes...all the other problems are still there in full force.

Last edited by CaptainCadet; 07-09-11 at 06:46 PM..
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Old 07-09-11, 06:44 PM
CaptainCadet CaptainCadet is offline
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Re: I know the problem, I know the why's behind the problem, I just don't know the an

Quote:
Originally Posted by iamthestig View Post
You accomplished this self-fulfilled prophecy.

That does sound like I worded it as such, but that's not what it was/is I don't think. There's a severe sense of anxiety when I even think about telling anyone about my problems, or emotions, or anything at all about me. The "deeper" it is, the harder it is to "get it out."

I've known that about me since middle school, and I've done my best on numerous occasions to just "be myself" and not worry about it, but every time I do that, I end up regretting it a lot. I don't know if the regret is warranted or not, but, it just adds to the anxiety the next time.


Quote:
Originally Posted by iamthestig View Post
So... what your saying is...You went to the hospital emergency room, having a heart attack and a broken leg... and while they were treating your broken leg you never mentioned the chest pains? I'm glad your doctor noticed that you were sweating profusely and short of breath.

I really need to learn to communicate better lol. I went in with the intention of talking about both, but I brought up the ADHD thing first because that was an easier thing to "get in" under. Plus I was scared out of my mind to go tell someone I was having suicidal thoughts -- what if they informed my family? If I got stuck in a hospital...well my family would find out probably. But, nonetheless, it was talked about at my first "visit."

It's kind of really hard to go in and say that...so I guess I am lucky. If she hadn't asked, I doubt I would have been able to say anything, despite wanting to.


Quote:
Originally Posted by iamthestig View Post
I'm glad you were able to see how the consequences of that very poor and permanent choice would affect your Mom. I too thought about my daughters and pictured them crying at my funeral. But CC that's not enough, your presence on this planet should never be dependent on someone else's reaction to you not being "here" anymore.

Throughout the day I could almost never imagine myself committing suicide. It's been one of the strangest things I've ever experienced. During the day I feel fine, and can keep my mind off my life and such. At night, laying in bed, usually unable to get to sleep and dreading the next day...it just would end up a simple question of "why not?" and the only "why not" was because how it would affect other people.

Sometimes it was more serious than that and sometimes not, but...still it's scary to think about. It's not something that I ever *wanted*...except at night...when I was alone with my thoughts.


Quote:
Originally Posted by iamthestig View Post
You have built your own prison... If your screaming for someone to come with a key to let you out.... nobody's coming.... there is only one key... and you have it.

I really don't think I was the builder, and I don't think the door is locked. In fact, it's wide open and I'm staring outside and I want nothing more than to get to the other side...and yet for some reason I feel paralyzed and can't exit.

Quote:
Originally Posted by iamthestig View Post
Look CC... I don't understand the component of anxiety in someone's life. I will not insult you and say I can imagine.(I seem to have the opposite problem- I don't react to anything). I am no expert in anxiety issues, I am very new to this ADHD subject, my understanding of it is still in its infancy.

I don't understand it at all. I *want* to do something, and I *know* how to go about doing it, and yet I'm *unable* to do it. My pdoc is very aware of my problem with that as far it's concerned, I had the same problem filling out a lot of the paperwork and stuff.

I knew the answer, I wanted to mark it, and I couldn't mark it. Maybe it's OCD. I don't know. That's what he thinks it is, at any rate. But until I'm "DX"'d OCD I'm not sure I want to accept that. Even then..maybe I won't want to accept it. Maybe I should just accept it regardless. I don't know.

Quote:
Originally Posted by iamthestig View Post
What I will claim to be an expert in, is suffering, self-loathing and guilt.

Your post reeks of these feelings.

I don't know. That would have been a pretty good description of me a while ago, I used to think I must have done something wrong in a past life and this life was just my prison sentence. Absurd, sure, but I figured I didn't know what else could better explain it.

I certainly used to hate myself, but I don't know if I still do. I still hate not being consistent. Not being reliable. Not doing things I want to do because I just can't find the uuumph inside of me to get it done. I hate that I haven't "done" anything yet. I've started so many projects...and I know I'm capable of completing most of them. I have the ability, I just can't put it to use. That frustrates me a lot more than anything else. I'm in college..I wanted to be forced to use my ability. It doesn't matter though, even when I have a requirement to get a project done I can't do it.

And what I do get done is usually no where near what I had in mind, but I tend to have aspirations much higher than what my professors expect so it doesn't really matter and I get mostly good grades anyway. I don't know. In my head...every now and then...I decide I'm really going to do it this time. Just...going to try harder...going to work harder...and be more consistent. Then I'll show what I can really do, to myself. Because, if there's anything I do know about me it's I am full of self-doubt.

I've never been consistent, and I've never accomplished what I've REALLY wanted to do. I just keep lowering my expectations until I either give up or they meet what I have already done.

So am I suffering? I don't know. I really really don't know. I'm happy a lot of the time, but anytime I think about where I'm at in life, where I want to be at in life, what I want to do, and how chances are I'll never do it...well...that's a bit depressing. But, I'm usually a pretty happy person regardless.

Self-loathing? I don't think so anymore. I've kind of accepted that I am who I am, there's only so much I can change. I'm a work in progress, I can deal with that I think.

Guilt? Loads. Absolutely. I feel guilty constantly, knowing I could have done better, done more, been a better friend, better son, better student. But does it affect me? Apparently not. It used to motivate me, but now I just feel apathy towards it. I suppose I'm just used to always feeling guilty.

Quote:
Originally Posted by iamthestig View Post
You are supposed to move forward and live life on some linear track, yeah there are a ton of bumps and bruises going down this road..but the future is ahead and the past is behind.
You seem to be living life going in circles feeding an insatiable vicious cycle of self-abuse and retribution... just when is enough enough.. If I were to guess, I would bet you have served your penance many times over.


I try to always maintain a positive outlook. I always try to look towards the future as a new day, clean slate, etc. But...when I mess up...the way I "start a clean slate" is usually to completely change everything about whatever situation I was in, including the people. Probably not a healthy way to go about it, and probably why I have a hard time accepting my own mistakes. I don't know what's going on though, I don't want to be like this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by iamthestig View Post
How is life right now more comfortable, than it would be if you gave your doctor all the pieces to your puzzle. How will the picture become complete and clear unless you hand over the remaining pieces?

I know. I really, really do. I really, really want to tell him. It's just there's like this invisible wall stopping me, and I don't know how to get around it, and I don't know how to get through it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by iamthestig View Post
I have found only one path to recovery... it involves honesty, truthfulness, and most importantly you MUST put everything on the table. Anything less than that and you will never release the weight and burden that is currently torturing you right now.

How is your "best thinking" working for you?

Are you "sick and tired of being sick and tired"?

If its in you... let it out..
I've been as honest as I can be, and that's the honest truth. I did my best to not lie, but sometimes the anxiety just took over my mouth. I'm embarrassed by it, and honestly I don't even know what I lied about. I don't remember. The stupid sessions are almost always just some kind of blur. Well their not stupid, it's just...I'm frustrated just thinking about it. I've messed up, but it wasn't intentional. I just don't know how I'm going to deal with what caused me to mess up.
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  #6  
Old 07-09-11, 11:40 PM
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Re: I know the problem, I know the why's behind the problem, I just don't know the an

CC... i dont understand...

I know I can be a little heavy handed when it comes to seeing someone in trouble. I have never been able to sit by and watch someone in any form of distress. It is at the core of my being. I was a medic in NYC and have formal training recognizing and stabilizing pain. I have seen so much pain....too much pain.

I quickly learned the single greatest thing I could offer people during what was sometimes the most catastrophic time in their lives... were the skills I possesed as a medic and the truth..... anything less, and I would be serving myself at the expense of someone who needed help.

I am not understanding the overall complexity of the situation you describe... I can't, I am not a pdoc...

What I do understand is... and I will stick to just the very firm points...is..

1. You are sacrificing your mental health... to the point of suicidal ideation, for the sake of what your family may think... they have a name for people who do that...their called "martyrs", do know what the criteria is to be a martyr?

2. I sooo know it was not your intention but... you contridict almost everything you say. I am so not trained to even begin to figure out what that means. What I can tell from it is, you have very little peace and comfort in your life.

3. Lastly... There is something inside of you that for whatever reason, you can't let go. I don't know what it is... It's obvious to me, that it's toxic, you dont have to be a paramedic to know what poison does to people.

What I called a prison in my first response, is, the "invisible wall" that is stopping you....You say it is stopping you, can't get around it nor thru it. Sounds like a prison to me...call it what you want...

The best advice to your post was offered by BR549. I will repeat it here:

"If you can hand the doc a copy of this, you will be making great strides towards getting the help you want and need."

Your post is now a tool.... it can be the key that gets you thru the wall....

Last edited by ginniebean; 07-10-11 at 12:57 AM..
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Old 07-10-11, 03:32 PM
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Re: I know the problem, I know the why's behind the problem, I just don't know the an

I don't think I am a martyr, the suicidal problems have really gone away over the past few months (like I said, I'm very grateful for that!)

If I am contradicting what I am saying it's probably because I am terrible at explaining things. It's really hard to word what I need to say, so I dunno.

All I really know is that, it feels like it's out of my control whether or not I can manage to give my pdoc a copy of this or not.
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Old 07-11-11, 01:56 PM
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Re: I know the problem, I know the why's behind the problem, I just don't know the an

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Originally Posted by CaptainCadet View Post
I don't think I am a martyr, the suicidal problems have really gone away over the past few months (like I said, I'm very grateful for that!)
Ok... Martyr might have been stretching it.... What therapeutic steps have you taken to manage these thoughts? If the answer is "nothing".
My experience is, that you can suppress it for some time, but the next time it comes around it kicks a lot harder.

Quote:
If I am contradicting what I am saying it's probably because I am terrible at explaining things. It's really hard to word what I need to say, so I dunno.
I get that... and that is ok... There is a definite "tone" in your sentences. You do not need to put your verbs and nouns in any specific order for me to see suffering.

CC.... I read your blogs.. I know you wrote them,... but have you read them.

Quote:
All I really know is that, it feels like it's out of my control whether or not I can manage to give my pdoc a copy of this or not.
Your pdoc does not need a copy of this thread... He needs access to your blogs.

CC.. I truly hope you can break down this wall that's in front of you. I have been there myself. It is soo isolating. It is by far the worst feelings I have ever felt.. I wish it on no one.

Last edited by iamthestig; 07-11-11 at 02:08 PM..
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