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Old 01-09-14, 02:41 PM
natbug natbug is offline
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On the verge of losing it all......

So I have read a lot on these forums but this is my first time posting here. I am at the end of my rope and I donít know where to turn.



A little historyÖ.


I was always an emotional child growing up and kind of kept to myself. I had a few friends but not a whole lot. I used to have spouts of rage and problems with procrastinating when I was in high school. I have an artistic side. I could draw pretty good and was even pursuing a career as an architect after I graduated. That didnít last long and I quickly bounced around job after job, until I finally landed a job as a reporter for a local newspaper.



I have grown up loving horses and in the time that I got the job at the newspaper, I had started my own photography business and had started shooting horse shows. Itís a niche market but I quickly learned I had a knack for it. In 2006, three years after I started my newspaper job, I was making in one weekend what I was making in a month working at the newspaper so I decided to quit the newspaper job and pursue the photography full time.



My career has certainly seen its ups and downs. While I enjoyed what I did, I had a terrible time managing task and being on time for stuff. I became late getting prints out, was having a hard time focusing and finally ended up losing a lot of business and shows because of it. In 2009, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. The mood swings hit an all-time high when I can recall being in the bathroom at one of my events on break, locked in a stall and crying.



I finally got help in late 2009 and was put on 60mg of Cymbalta for bipolar. I wanted to start fresh so I even changed the name of my business and started with a fresh new outlook. Things went well for about a year. Then, in 2011, things started to decline again. I procrastinate getting things ready to leave for an event and then spend the hours before Iím supposed to leave frustrated, angry, throwing things and yelling. Cursing and madÖat no one but myself. Why do I continue to do these things? Why do I do this to myself?



Aside from these issues, my business has been very successful. I am one of the top horse show photographers in my breed so I have done something right. But every time I miss something or forget something, or realize how much time has passed on a project I was working on, and realizing I missed the deadline I promised that client, it drives me deeper into the groundÖ..


I went to a special clinic that specializes in womenís hormone therapy and had my levels tested. It turned out that my progesterone level was 17 (when it should be 275) and my testosterone level was in the 60s when it should be 35. I was put on progesterone and a DCI supplement and the Cymbalta was discontinued.



Now, in 2013/2014Önothing seems to be working anymore. The more research I have done, the more I think I am not bipolar but I have a classic case of adult ADHD. I also have the tendency to be OCD. Iím 31. I feel like my life is falling apart. I also think my home situation is contributing to my depression and mood.



I live with my mother and my grandmother. The house and the farm is willed to me so why would I want to move out? I have animals on the farm so itís not been on my top list of priorities. However, my mother isnít in the best health in the world and she is trying to take care of grandma, who is suffering from Alzheimerís disease. Putting her in a nursing home is not an option, because if she does, we lose everything.



The toxic environment that I am continually in has really made me angry, and resentful. Iíve tried to move out but no luck on finding a place and honestly, Iíve helped out so much financially, I cannot afford to move out at this time. The crappy part about this whole situation is I havenít been able to work in two months because I just canít bring myself to focus. I have started to hate everything I do. I feel so trappedÖwith no light in site. I feel like Iím about to lose it all. Iím not even sure if I want to continue with my business anymoreÖÖ


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  #2  
Old 01-09-14, 03:18 PM
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Re: On the verge of losing it all......

Hello and Welcome..

When you reach the end of your rope tie a knot and hang on!

You need to go talk to a professional and tell them exactly what you told us here.

I can only tell you from personal experiences that when I'm in the mind set that you have described so well, I can not see light at the end of the tunnel and so we stop functioning as human beings and we isolate.

I can also tell you that with the proper medication you can completely change your frame of mind and start to make progress and before you know it the light is visible and bright.

When you have AD(H)D your immediate environment is extremely important to your functioning in a positive mind frame everyday. If that environment is working against you it can be very difficult to function on a daily basis.

You say if you put Grandma in a home you lose everything! Your on the verge of that happening right now anyway. What good is having all that if you are miserable.

So you have a very important decision to make. I would do whatever is in the best interest for Grandma and mom.

I feel for you because that's a lot to deal with even when your mind and body is in balance.

Start by seeing a professional and see what they say.

Being AD(H)D for 44 years I can tell you that one of the most important things in life is your health and happiness.

If you go by the mind set to what is in the best interest of Grandma and mom, you'll be surprised how somehow that ends up being the best for you! The best way for you to help them is by helping yourself first. When your healthy you will see things much clearer!

I wish good things for you and your family!

"Many of life's failures are experienced by people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up!" ~ Thomas Edison
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Old 01-09-14, 06:06 PM
natbug natbug is offline
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Re: On the verge of losing it all......

The best thing for me honestly is to leave the environment I'm in because I have no control over my mother or grandmother. I'm stuck. I have nowhere to turn. The last time I talked to a professional an ER dr tried to commit me and the experience has made me wary of reaching out. I feel lost. No where to turn.
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Old 01-09-14, 11:51 PM
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Smile Re: On the verge of losing it all......

Hi there,
I don't know if any of this will be helpful, but it's all been extremely helpful to me, so I'll just pass it on and hopefully some of this will help.

The one thing I do know is that in order to make the best decision you possibly can, and not one out of fear that you will later regret, the best thing would be to become very centered, and almost remove yourself from the situation, in order to be able to think about it very objectively. Here's a quote I love:

"If you are depressed,
you are living in the past.
If you are anxious,
you are living in the future.
If you are at peace,
you are living in the present."
Ė Lao Tzu

I just finished reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, and have been studying what causes us to feel anxiety and mental/emotional pain. Essentially, we cause our own suffering by our refusal to accept what is. Our automatic minds (which run away from us sometimes/most of the time) think that they (the mind) is or should be in absolute control of everything, all the time. When this illusion is threatened, we feel stress, pain, anxiety, have nervous breakdowns, etc. However, if we are able to say "In this very moment, right now, is my very existence being threatened? Am I about to die?" And if the answer is no, you simply surrender to what is, take a deep breath, let it out, and move forward in creative freedom, using your creative resourcefulness and problem-solving skills to do the best you can with the situation at hand, and know that you did/will do your best, and your best is all you can do. And whatever happens after that, is what it is, and let it go. Resist nothing. Resistance is the source of all suffering. Be at peace.

Also, some HUGE changes most ADDers should all make:

1 - Diet (I HIGHLY recommend reading the book called Grain Brain)
-Stop eating ALL processed foods, sugars, chemicals, preservatives, artificial food colorings (Yellow 5 and 6, Red 40, Blue 1, etc.), stop eating starchy carbs, and processed carbs (Bread, pasta, potatoes, carrots), and try to limit fruit intake (very high in sugar. Before the invention of the grocery store, we only had access to fruits once a year, at the harvest, and the rest of the year we ate veggies and meat).
-Take Supplements: Most people don't get nearly enough vitamins and nutrients from their diets. I just had my Vitamin D levels checked, and my N.D. Dr. said it should be in the 60-80 range, but mine is 31. So I'm adding that to the Daily Multi, B6, B12, Cod Liver Oil (for the Omega3), Rhodiola Rosea, Bacoppa Calmplex, Mineral Complex, and Protein Shake I already take.

2 - Exercise Daily: This is probably one of the most significant change I've made recently, and have noticed a huge increase in mood, energy, focus/concentration, etc.

3 - Sleep Cycle (Early to bed, early to rise) The more hours of sleep you get before midnight, the better. Most adults need an average of 7 hours of sleep, some (like me) need 8. To develop a strong circadian rhythm (sleep cycle), figure out how many hours you optimally need, then go to bed as early as your schedule will allow, then get up as soon as your alarm clock goes off (and if you're a snooze button hitter, put it at the other end of the room so you must get out of bed to shut it off). I typically sleep from 10pm-6am.

4 - Rest
5 - Relaxation
6 - Rejuvenation

Also, for me, I need to make sure I get out and spend time with friends and other people, otherwise, since I work from home, sometimes I can go too long without significant human interaction/contact, which isn't healthy.
I have also realized how important it is to have a non-work related creative outlet, in addition to journaling, writing down your thoughts, etc.
Make sure you have something every day that you do that you really enjoy doing that's also healthy. A hobby, cooking healthy food, going for a nice long walk, playing an instrument, etc.

Hope this helps!

-Chris
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