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Old 10-10-17, 12:38 AM
Andy1144 Andy1144 is offline

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Nothing makes any sense

It feels like there's 100000 thoughts in my head at the same time. At this point I'm not even thinking hard about what I'm writing because if I stop and think it means I have to think about 1000 different ways to write something and figure out what to say. I mean even writing fast obviously isn't a sustainable effective way of communicating itself, it's still seems to work better than nothing, at least sometimes.

Okay, so I'm not even sure what to write, I'm not even sure why I'm writing this post. It's like I'm just getting these really vague images/impulses in my head and I'm just sort of just guess what those images/feelings mean. And I live this uncertainty every single moment in my life.

That's how bad the adhd/processing disorder, or whatever you want to call it is. So it's basically so bad I can't speak normally, I can't make any friends, it always takes a long time to do even simple tasks. It's like there's so much planning before you do something. Like there's literally 10000000000 ways the future could pan out and obviously you have no idea what exactly to do. I can't drive a car, I can't do anything.

Also, you may relate to this but the feeling of fatigue that I experience from this mental overwhelm is constant. I don't even know what it feels like to have energy.

My sense of time is completely distorted. It feels like I'm trying to figure out life, but there's literally no way to get a clear answer because I can just doubt absolutely everything. Because questions always lead to more questions, it just doesn't ever end.

I feel hopeless because I can't do anything by myself, I can't understand people when they speak. Like there's so many ways to interpret what they're saying.

And there's so much more to this, but I just can't explain it. And I've tries to write down all of my symptoms to make more sense of it but I just can't. Like I can't hold all the thoughts in my head. I can't do anything. And the momentum is just getting worse as time goes by.

I have tried wellbutrin but it doesn't work, just makes me feel worse. I will try stimulant medication soon and I REALLY hope it makes a difference. Because the overwhelm and the feeling frustration that is constant in my life cannot be explained.

I always feel like adding something extra because I feel like I'm forgetting something. I'm always living in fear and doubt. And like now I'm worrying that my post is too long and I'm not sure if I'm being appropriate to the blog. I never feel like I'm acting appropriately. I mean as I said I'm not even entirely sure why I made this post. Is it just to see what people say? Is it just a way to make the time pass? I really don't know anything anymore.

Even small talk for me is impossible, and it's absolutely embarrassing. I feel like I am in a completely different world from everyone. Like I am an alien suddenly put in a completely different environment.

And also, I spend the whole day just thinking about 1000 things at the same time. It's not even deliberate my brain does it by itself. I feel like I'm just chasing vague questions and feeling and wonder what they mean and just ask questions and doubt everything all the time. This level of constant persistent thoughts at least to me seems to be uncommon when it comes to the intensity and severity of my symptoms.

Honestly I have no idea how I'll ever live a normal life. I've just started therapy and going on stimulant meds for the first time. This is like my last hope so I really hope it works. As I'm writing this I'm having thoughts about a ton of other stuff. My brain is desperately trying to compensate for the lack of clarity and functioning in my life.

Okay I think I should stop writing now and forgive me for the length of the post. And here's the thing, I always intend to write things short and to the point but that absolutely impossible. They always come out longer because I always feel like there's something more to add.

Oh also It's so severe, I can't even go outside without bumping into people. I almost got hit by a car twice because of how many thoughts are in my head. It is so difficult to explain. So any thoughts about this?

Can you relate. Have meds and therapy made a big difference in your life?

Any advice? Thank you.

Last edited by namazu; 10-10-17 at 12:43 AM.. Reason: Added some paragraph breaks for easier reading.
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