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Old 06-03-14, 04:02 PM
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Communication

Communication..... I cant live without it.

I have been single (Not even held a girls hand) for 5 years.
Previous (and only) relationship lasted 18 months and she was cheating on me for the last 6 of those months. I suspected she was cheating, but didnt get conformation until the end.

I was insanely jealous of every guy who came into contact with my ex by the end of the relationship. If she didnt reply to texts within a couple of hours my brain would immediately assume she had found someone better and was going to dump me for him or was going to cheat.

Her cheating and my jealousy were never going to make for a good relationship so I was glad when it ended in a way. I was a sooky emotional wreck for a long time, but I could see that it was the right thing to do.

So I joined a dating site recently and met a girl who I thought was awesome. I was attracted to her and she was (told me she was anyway) attracted to me as well.
She is on Zoloft for anxiety and depression and I told her about my ADD and the medication I tool for it.
I also explained on my profile on the site and in person that I need lots of communication from my partners or I start to have doubts etc.
She said this was all cool and she liked to talk about things.

She works 60 hours a week and spends 1 night every week having dinner with her mum.

So for a week we see each other mostly for booty calls. She texts at 11pm and says come stay at my place so I would go over and she would be half drunk and we would have sex then she would fall asleep almost instantly. (Role reversal?)

So at the end of the week I ask if there is any chance we can have dinner or lunch on the weekend when she isnt working.
Sure! I would love to. Is her response.

So for a couple of days I look forward to catching up and plan what we could do for the day.
So I text her on Friday night and she says she is working, but will text me when she finishes work and I can come around.
No text by 1am so I send one asking if we are still catching up and is she working late.
No answer.

The next day I text around lunchtime asking if she wants to catch up or if she has to work.
No reply until 2am the following morning and she says come over she wants to see me.
So I go around her place and she is fairly drunk and we jump straight into bed and after the deed she falls asleep.

I wake up in the morning and when she gets up I ask if she wants some breakfast. So I go and get us breakfast and as soon as she has eaten she lays on the couch and complains of her hangover.
I ask if she wants me to leave her get some sleep and she says no. Then proceeds to sleep on and off all day until she wakes up at 5pm and says she is going to friends place for tea. So I leave and get a text at 11pm that night to see if I can pick her up and give her a lift home. So like a sucker I do. And we have sex then she goes straight to sleep.

So I leave her be for a couple of days and she texts me to pick her up one night and I sent back "Are we just going to have sex and sleep?"
Her response: "Dont you want to sleep with me?"

Anyway after a few texts I remind her that I am looking for a relationship and want to get to know someone. She shoots back that we are in a relationship.

All this time I get replies to maybe 50% of all the texts I send her. Usually the responses come back about 4+ hours after I ask the question. And before I get a reply her facebook page is updated and plans are made with her friends and then I get a response that she is busy or we can catch up another night.

Yet this entire time she is talking about how she would love to have kids one day and how she hopes our dogs will get along and what sort of house she wants to own one day so I am thinking she is keen to at least try for a relationship.

So anyway this went on for a couple of weeks and in that time we had spoken face to face for maybe 2 hours tops. We had spent more time naked than clothed in each others company.

So I tell her that I really like her and can we spend more time together.
She says sure that would be great and for the next week nothing changes.
I know some of her friends and one mentions on facebook that she had a great time the night before but was really hung over.

She had told me she had to work.

So then the jealousy kicks in.
I msg her asking what her night was like the previous night and get "Work was busy and I got home late and tired"

Anyway a couple of days later I happen to be driving past her house and there is what is obviously a guys car parked in her driveway early in the morning (7am).

I ask her if she has a friend staying and she says no.

Then on her facebook page she has a post about having an awesome dinner with her girlfriend and two guys. And how the world is their oyster and its going to be fantastic.

I ask about it and get accused of stalking.
So I tell her I was just curious as it sounded like a romantic evening.
Then I get told to mind my own business she can have guy friends if she wants.

I ask if I can call or drop round and we can discuss it etc so I understand whats going on and she understands why I feel the way I do.
"I dont like talking on the phone and I am busy tonight"

So I see her in person next and she goes on about me stalking her and being clingy and desperate.

So we broke up (obviously) and I have friends that live near her, but if she sees me go past her house she immediately sends me a text accusing me of stalking her.
So now to see my friends I have to take a ridiculous route so I dont go past her house.

I find it impossible to figure out what I have done to upset people. And I overanalyse every little thing and always come up with negatives.
If someone is open with me with their feelings or opinions I am find. But if someone dishes out the silent treatment it is pure torment for me.

Anyway what I am ranting about is communication.
Anyone else with ADHD (Inattentive is me) have issues with jealousy and or communication in a relationship?
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  #2  
Old 06-03-14, 04:30 PM
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Re: Communication

Wow. I can say there is nothing wrong with you, besides attracting the WRONG kind of people.

Communication is not as easy as most people might thinks. It takes a lot of skill to do it all right the first time. But from what I can gather your communication skills are not the problem here. It's your boundaries. I think around the middle of the story I started thinking: "Cut her loose, she is bad news!".

I really think you should think about what you deserve, instead of settling with what you can get. The only good thing comming out of this experience is that you crash and learn (hopefully). You need to recognize what it is that you give these woman so much power. I don't think you are overly jealous, probably anyone in your case will be at some point!

If you keep finding yourself in these kinds of relationships, there might be a reason that you find these women attractive. If this keeps happening, you might want to seek out a shrink to find out why. Not all women are like that and you definitely deserve better!
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Old 06-03-14, 07:43 PM
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Re: Communication

Thanks Herose.

I know what you mean about ending it halfway through the post. I read it again a minute ago and once again realise hindsight is 20/20.

The attraction initially was physical. Then I got to know her a little better and I gues I fell hard. 5 years alone and finally I find someone I like and yeah I did get a bit clingy I think.

I have always been an affectionate person and thrive on physical contact and communication. I guess I need to learn that other people have boundaries and I should look out for these.

The relationship is over (2 weeks count as a relationship?) And I have booked in to see a Psychologist.

The medication for ADHD has seen my life improve tenfold over what it was.
It wasnt until I started seeing this girl that all the bad stuff came creeping back in.

I am now heading towards a major depressive state which I havent been in since I started with the Dexamphetamines so I realise I need a lot more help than just the meds.

Thanks for your advice.

I appreciate it heaps
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Old 06-04-14, 04:57 AM
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Re: Communication

RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE!! Sorry to yell it like that but thats what first came into my mind. By her actions, she is very clearly saying " you are only good enough to have sex with, not build a future together with". All that talk about kids and stuff is nothing but noise coming out of her mouth. Combine that with her being willing to sleep with you only when she is intoxicated and that makes you seem like you are only good for one thing, and that is not what you are looking for. In concerns me that she seems to get drunk so often. I am not saying she has an alcohol problem, but it sure seems like that is the case. You deserve betters.
Toxic people are like toxic waste-they both need to get dumped.
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Old 06-04-14, 05:08 AM
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Re: Communication

relate

i guess, it's that form of revenge is living well kinda thing in these sits'...

be nice to cultivate a way to maintain that in the midst of relat-devel... etc.

when i'm at that stage... where the jealousy is bout to kick in and i'm craving togetherness... i have a feeling somewhere that "logically" i should just maintain my mojo and things will pan... for better or worse...

tho' this seems to feed the need...

yeah, so relate... and let's hope the next lucky lady values a closer space or at least is more open than this one.

peace
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Old 06-04-14, 11:15 AM
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Re: Communication

Wow, that is a heck of a story. So I mised something, what ois the problem with this arrangement again?
Just kidding.

Dating sites. Obviously she was lookng for one type of relationship and you another. So your right, communication in the beginning would have been crucial. Problem is ver rarely do you get accurate information from a person on a dating sight.

You should have known when she called you to jump in bed exactlywhat she was looking for. So for that part you are partial to blame.

You are looking for a long term quality relationship. The odl saying is the harder you look the harder it is to find. My opinion, don't use a dating sight.

In time you will ind the right person, usually in the place you never expect and usually when your not expecting to meet her!

Oh, and by the way, if she doesn't like the fact that you walk by her house, too freaking bad! tell her to go pound sand.
And stop taking an alternate route to appease her. You take your route brother and you walk it tall with a big smile.

If that doesn't work, my friend sarahsweets will tell you what to say to her!

Hang in there brother, you seem like a nice bloke and your lady will come!

I wish good things for you!
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  #7  
Old 06-04-14, 01:03 PM
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Re: Communication

Sorry to hear what you went through. I commend you for getting yourself back out there! That took guts and you should be proud. Also be proud that you knew what you wanted and wouldn't settle for anything less.

Don't be sorry that you were jealous. I think it's just your common-sense telling you that something's not right.

With that said, this brings up one of my biggest concerns. I'm newly single, and I have a bit of fear that I'll fall for someone really hard, then subsequently ignore all kinds of red flags. In my mind, I'm ready to break it off if I see things going awry or if I see abusive patterns emerging, though in reality it's not that simple.

After experiencing disappointments and heartbreak like we have, I think we're quite a bit stronger. We'll be ready, in time.
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Old 06-04-14, 01:21 PM
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Re: Communication

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tmoney View Post

Oh, and by the way, if she doesn't like the fact that you walk by her house, too freaking bad! tell her to go pound sand.
And stop taking an alternate route to appease her. You take your route brother and you walk it tall with a big smile.

If that doesn't work, my friend sarahsweets will tell you what to say to her!
!
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Old 06-05-14, 09:57 PM
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Re: Communication

Thanks for all the kind comments and advice

There is a couple of things I will add.

I dont think I would define her as an alcoholic, but I definitely think she has a problem with it. As she is diagnosed as depressive perhaps thats her self medication.

The other thing she said to me when I noticed she had a book on Psychology in her bookcase and mentioned it was: "Psychology is just common sense really"

That blew me away. Especially as she is medicated for depression.
If it was all common sense we wouldnt need to be medicated?
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Old 06-06-14, 08:58 AM
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Re: Communication

I think without a doubt the worst thing about ADHD , from my experience, is that constant feeling of something missing when your not romantically involved with someone ( alot of people are like this) and also that state of when you meet someone you like continuously looking for that affirmation.
People not like us will never get us. People have got to be so understanding. I guess that is when you know you have met someone special.
Sounds like to me she should be on ADD meds.

I went through this myself, nearly killed me.
The best thing I ever did was talked to this retired psychologist and this helped a lot .

Try and meet someone else if you can.
Goodluck . There are some good ones out there
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Old 06-06-14, 12:03 PM
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Re: Communication

You hit the nail on the head for me Pilgrim.

I feel the constant need for affirmation that she still cared about me.
And that can come across as clingy to some people I guess.

Low self esteem is probably a large chunk of that.
Always think I am not good enough and someone better will take her heart away.
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Old 06-11-14, 09:39 PM
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Re: Communication

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wookiee View Post
Thanks Herose.

I know what you mean about ending it halfway through the post. I read it again a minute ago and once again realise hindsight is 20/20.

The attraction initially was physical. Then I got to know her a little better and I gues I fell hard. 5 years alone and finally I find someone I like and yeah I did get a bit clingy I think.

I have always been an affectionate person and thrive on physical contact and communication. I guess I need to learn that other people have boundaries and I should look out for these.

The relationship is over (2 weeks count as a relationship?) And I have booked in to see a Psychologist.

The medication for ADHD has seen my life improve tenfold over what it was.
It wasnt until I started seeing this girl that all the bad stuff came creeping back in.

I am now heading towards a major depressive state which I havent been in since I started with the Dexamphetamines so I realise I need a lot more help than just the meds.

Thanks for your advice.

I appreciate it heaps
WOW I literally just posted basically the exact situation with the same questions about a minute ago!! Im glad I'm not the only one. Its crazy how similar our situations are. Please everyone go over to my thread and put in some knowledge since our situations do vary somewhat. Thanks and good luck.

Last edited by namazu; 06-12-14 at 01:33 AM.. Reason: Added link to Philip D's thread for reference.
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Old 06-12-14, 12:57 PM
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Re: Communication

Wow what a mess that was.

Only interested in you for one thing. That totally blows.

As was said.... you deserve much better.

I didnt see clingy in there... I saw frustration because you wanted to get to know her as a person and she wouldnt allow it but kept leading you on to think it was something she was interested in as well.

I wouldnt write off dating websites but I would be careful. Anyone who wants to jump into bed with a person they dont know is a Red Flag //real bad idea and Id pass on those altogether. If they do that with you who else are they doing it with etc...

Im sorry you got used.

You will find a good woman, they are out there and theyre not all taken

Good luck and hugz
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Old 06-12-14, 09:46 PM
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Re: Communication

Seriously that girl sounded like a using selfish B! Sorry to be mean but wow and usually it's guys that do that to girls. I would have done the exact same thing. She shouldn't have called it a relationship and then treated you like crap, like some plan B. So lame. Sorry you went through that. You sound like genuine guy. Don't let her mess you up. There really are nice girls out there that won't do that to you. It's really not you. Was she younger at all? Seems like young women sometimes just wanna play around and think they are players. She may have been hurt before. Seems both men and women do that stuff after getting hurt in the past. Guess you know the red flags for the future now. We all have to go through some stuff to get to the good part.
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Old 06-14-14, 08:22 PM
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Re: Communication

You guys are awesome.
Thanks.

I have thought about what you said and you all speak truths
Hard to see them when emotions are involved sometimes.
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