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  #1  
Old 06-16-18, 01:59 PM
ronjay ronjay is offline
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My Story & Adderall Journey.

Hello, I am new to this forum and decided to tell my story with Adderall. I am a 56 year old single gay male and live in the Midwest state of Indiana. I was prescribed Adderall four years ago as an antidepressant. I suffer from chronic antidepressant resistant Major Depression, Dysthymia (chronic sorrow) & mild inattentive ADD. Have been put on every antidepressant under the sun = fail. So, a former shrink suggested I try Adderall because of its dopamine releasing properties. That was in 2014 and I was prescribed 20mg a day. At first I didn't like them and didn't think they did much, so didn't take on a regular daily prescribed basis. Either didn't take at all or took only 10mg per day. It stayed that way for about two years. As my depression worsened I started taking the suggested 20mg per day everyday. Why not? Worth a shot. It began to finally work and as time went on I started to really like Adderall and was grateful for the relief from my horrible & sometimes crippling depression.

However, fairly quickly a tolerance developed (less than a year) and I began to take 30mg a day, then 40mg per day. I began to run out early and requested an increase in my dosage to 40mg per day one year ago, which a new shrink upgraded me to with no questions asked. That helped tremendously and I no longer ran out. Fast forward one year later - I am now taking 60mg or more per day and am again running out early. Honestly, sometimes I take 80mg per day, but try to keep that in check - sometimes successfully, sometimes not. I have requested an upgrade to 60mg per day from my shrink several times in recent months and was denied. Was told my mental health center had a max 40mg Adderall per day rule! I never heard of such a thing and now suffer for about 7-10 days from withdraw & the even worse depression before new script is filled. So, I started to hit up a few people I know on Adderall for a trade until I got mine and paid them back in kind. That's about 15 out of my 60 tabs = 45 left = running out even earlier. Furthermore, started to buy an additional costly 10-15 more from someone that does not trade = a suffering bank account. But that route is unpredictable & said person sometimes is not reliable. So, up to 15-30 additional tabs a month I seek - nearly 90 count like I requested and have been denied. A perfect vicious little circle...

So, here I am four years later totally dependent on Adderall. I live in a small town and there aren't too many options to go to for an upgrade. My GP doc is against them and will not help me. He even suggested I stop taking them - something about an elevated heartrate that he's concerned about. So, that is in my medical records for all the docs to see at the medical group that has a monopoly in this town. So, a quandary has developed. Have pondered do I have a dependence problem or do I just need 60mg or more per day? I am uncertain to that answer, probably both. Am not quite an addict - but could head that way no doubt. And, if I somehow can obtain a script for 60mg a day - how long before I am up to 80mg per day, 100mg per day? Tolerance is a problem with any type of controlled substance, you need more and more over time. That's a shame and wish it wasn't so - but it's a fact. Guess that's why they are controlled.

Anyway, just wanted to share how I went from 10mg per day to 60mg per day in just four years. Sometimes I am sorry for ever going on them. Do the positives outweigh the negatives? Is the withdraw and even worse depression that ensues worth it when I run out early - sometimes up to 7-10 days. Is the shame I feel in drug seeking worth it? Money I don't have being spent? To me, it seems like I have changed. I feel Adderall has changed my mind & soul - and not in an overall good way. Yes the depression is horrible - yes the Adds do help. But, I feel like I always coped somehow without them being prescribed before. I was inventive with ways to cope and would foster change in my life to help alleviate the depression. But the Adderall have now become a crutch and I don't even bother to try to enhance my life anymore - just pop some pills = instant happy. Seems things I used to enjoy no longer interest me. I am too preoccupied with the Adderall. It's taken over my life. IMO, that is the Western medicine way - there's a pill for everything that you suffer from - just take the pill - it will do all the hard work for you - join the millions of over medicated "zombies" in the mental health world. If you get hooked - sorry, deal with it. Not our fault.

I am beginning to learn the truth behind Adderall now - my truth. I think I will cut back and take as directed. Stop the drug seeking to supplement my shortage. Maybe go off them altogether eventually. Remember, you will never find the peace & happiness you seek from a drug - at least not true & genuine peace. Just my opinion that relates to depression & sorrow. You have to keep trying & do some of the leg work yourself. There is no magic cure-all pill in the long run. You have to have hope & hang on to hope. You have to keep trying to find a way to cope. Hope & coping I think Adderall has taken away from me. Thanks for reading this rambling post and good luck & God bless if you share my problem, my views & can relate with my problem. Peace.
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Old 06-16-18, 04:38 PM
ImaADHDGuy ImaADHDGuy is offline
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Re: My Story & Adderall Journey.

Other than the option to ween yourself off and stop altogether, I'd suggest the following:


1) Stick to your own supply, trying to keep it at 40mg a day.
2) Make sure you supplement B vitamins and Chelated Magnesium daily, and small amount of vitamin C at night (250mg), and take L-Tyronsine or L-Phenylalanine once in a while at night (not every day unless that doesn't have side effects).
3) Take 1 or 2 days off a week instead of waiting until you're out and doing it all at once.
4) Make sure you're eating enough healthy food and getting at least 8 hours a night sleep (use a small amount of melatonin if you're having trouble sleeping).
5) Keep an open mind, expectation plays a huge role in the effectiveness of all of these substances and strategies, even if not a primary one.

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Old 06-16-18, 05:20 PM
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Re: My Story & Adderall Journey.

Comments, opinions, and suggestions are welcomed.
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Old 06-16-18, 07:03 PM
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Re: My Story & Adderall Journey.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaADHDGuy View Post
Other than the option to ween yourself off and stop altogether, I'd suggest the following:


1) Stick to your own supply, trying to keep it at 40mg a day.
2) Make sure you supplement B vitamins and Chelated Magnesium daily, and small amount of vitamin C at night (250mg), and take L-Tyronsine or L-Phenylalanine once in a while at night (not every day unless that doesn't have side effects).
3) Take 1 or 2 days off a week instead of waiting until you're out and doing it all at once.
4) Make sure you're eating enough healthy food and getting at least 8 hours a night sleep (use a small amount of melatonin if you're having trouble sleeping).
5) Keep an open mind, expectation plays a huge role in the effectiveness of all of these substances and strategies, even if not a primary one.
Thank you for your reply & advice. I know I need 60mg a day for my extremely tough depression. Big difference between 40mg and 60mg for me. But that is currently not an option. Want to clarify the extra I trade/buy are from people I know well, not off the street. Actually, forgot to mention, I have stopped buying them - too costly and I believe an eventual path to total addiction. Am just doing the 15 trade. I am just re-thinking the whole Adderall experience from start to now. I have become too reliant on them instead of trying other methods like before. I guess my actual point of my post is tolerance building, diminished effectiveness over time, and caution to absolute addiction. I am learning hard lessons. I believe I will get a handle on it, it's never too late.
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Old 06-16-18, 07:30 PM
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Re: My Story & Adderall Journey.

It depends upon your motive behind seeking higher dosages. Is it because you think it'll help your ADHD/life? Or do you feel physical cravings for it?
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Old 06-16-18, 07:36 PM
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Re: My Story & Adderall Journey.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CharlesH View Post
It depends upon your motive behind seeking higher dosages. Is it because you think it'll help your ADHD/life? Or do you feel physical cravings for it?
More a tolerance issue. Tolerance building over the 4 year period. Frustration with my mental health center 40mg policy. Idk, just rethinking the whole thing. Thank you for your reply.
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Old 06-16-18, 10:05 PM
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Re: My Story & Adderall Journey.

What makes you think you're developing tolerance? What are your expectations for how the med is supposed to help you?
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Old 06-17-18, 07:13 AM
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Re: My Story & Adderall Journey.

I feel many ways about what you have shared. First I hesitate to say people are addicted to there add meds..physically but psychologically? Its totally possible. I am an alcoholic in recovery and I can say that coming off adderall is nothing like coming off alcohol..but I'd be lying if I said I have never thought about going above my dose or that I never ever have. I am also someone who hesitates to jump to tolerance as a factor. Do I think its possible? Yes. Is it usually the case? I dont think so. I have been on amphetamines for like 13 years. Up until a gastric surgery..I was on the same dose for like ever. Then after the surgery I learned I process all meds differently including my regular meds so I had an adjustment period.

I have been stable on 70-80mg of amphetamines now for a couple of years. First it was adderall and dex and now just adderall. Its above the normal max but I have been a patient with my doctor for 17 years so the level of trust is different. When the DEA started cracking down I agreed to random drug tests..I was insulted until I thought about her livelihood and license and realized that it was a risk for her too.

Yes, over time my dose was adjusted but this is years and years...never that quick, and it medically truly does have to do with how I metabolize meds. Have you ever looked into that? Is there a possibility that you have issues related to that?

IMO addiction isnt about the physical...at least much. Its the psychological and mental parts that get you. The thoughts, the constant obsession... those are the things you have to worry about. They are way more powerful than the physical. Is there someone who could lock up your meds and only give you what you are supposed to have? If you truly need more you are going to have to look outside of your town and find another doctor that is more knowledgeable about treating difficult adhd cases.

But you really need to get gut level honest... do you need more or do you want more? Its all well and good to share your story as some sort of adderall warning but your case is the exception when it comes to the overall success rate of adhd treatment. Most people do not have this experience so I believe its more individual to you. Are you an addict? Not for me to say.. but I can say I acted the same way with alcohol that you act with your adderall.
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Old 06-18-18, 02:23 PM
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Re: My Story & Adderall Journey.

Maybe I'v not read your post completely. But why are you taking Adderall to cure your depression. Adderall is for ADHD/ADD. Its a powerful medicine that is only beneficial when taken in lower prescribed dosages. I love it and learnt to respect it because of its effects, and granted Adderrall does have an extra benefit albeit short-lived of lifting mood, but that does not mean you use it for depression. The simple and straight-forward risk of that is rapid tolerance and constantly upping the dosage till it becomes toxic to your body and you start blaming it for your dependence and other issues. The short story, Addy only manages depression for a limited time.

I think you need to do a complete detox, stop taking Addy for a while. First cure your depression. I know its tough finding the right anti-depressant, I myself struggle with it. But you got to do it. Adderall is so powerful, so intense, and is only dose-dependent safe, there is a price to pay if you take it at more than 40mg / day.

Could you state which specific anti-depressants you have tried??? How long did you take each? What did you not like about each? Your depression could be atypical. Have you tried for e.g. Wellbutrin? While I am not a doc, but I would first find the right anti-depressant, and be assured Adderall is not the right med for it. Vyvanse maybe is little bit more effective for depression, however again only take Vyvanse if you have ADD/ADHD or you are that one unique individual with a strong self-control that is not susceptible to creeping dosage and abuse.

Lastly it easy saying, but increase your spirituality (not religiosity), practice meditation, good breathing practices, tai-chi or some kind of mild excercise program.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ronjay View Post
Hello, I am new to this forum and decided to tell my story with Adderall. I am a 56 year old single gay male and live in the Midwest state of Indiana. I was prescribed Adderall four years ago as an antidepressant. I suffer from chronic antidepressant resistant Major Depression, Dysthymia (chronic sorrow) & mild inattentive ADD. Have been put on every antidepressant under the sun = fail. So, a former shrink suggested I try Adderall because of its dopamine releasing properties. That was in 2014 and I was prescribed 20mg a day. At first I didn't like them and didn't think they did much, so didn't take on a regular daily prescribed basis. Either didn't take at all or took only 10mg per day. It stayed that way for about two years. As my depression worsened I started taking the suggested 20mg per day everyday. Why not? Worth a shot. It began to finally work and as time went on I started to really like Adderall and was grateful for the relief from my horrible & sometimes crippling depression.

However, fairly quickly a tolerance developed (less than a year) and I began to take 30mg a day, then 40mg per day. I began to run out early and requested an increase in my dosage to 40mg per day one year ago, which a new shrink upgraded me to with no questions asked. That helped tremendously and I no longer ran out. Fast forward one year later - I am now taking 60mg or more per day and am again running out early. Honestly, sometimes I take 80mg per day, but try to keep that in check - sometimes successfully, sometimes not. I have requested an upgrade to 60mg per day from my shrink several times in recent months and was denied. Was told my mental health center had a max 40mg Adderall per day rule! I never heard of such a thing and now suffer for about 7-10 days from withdraw & the even worse depression before new script is filled. So, I started to hit up a few people I know on Adderall for a trade until I got mine and paid them back in kind. That's about 15 out of my 60 tabs = 45 left = running out even earlier. Furthermore, started to buy an additional costly 10-15 more from someone that does not trade = a suffering bank account. But that route is unpredictable & said person sometimes is not reliable. So, up to 15-30 additional tabs a month I seek - nearly 90 count like I requested and have been denied. A perfect vicious little circle...

So, here I am four years later totally dependent on Adderall. I live in a small town and there aren't too many options to go to for an upgrade. My GP doc is against them and will not help me. He even suggested I stop taking them - something about an elevated heartrate that he's concerned about. So, that is in my medical records for all the docs to see at the medical group that has a monopoly in this town. So, a quandary has developed. Have pondered do I have a dependence problem or do I just need 60mg or more per day? I am uncertain to that answer, probably both. Am not quite an addict - but could head that way no doubt. And, if I somehow can obtain a script for 60mg a day - how long before I am up to 80mg per day, 100mg per day? Tolerance is a problem with any type of controlled substance, you need more and more over time. That's a shame and wish it wasn't so - but it's a fact. Guess that's why they are controlled.

Anyway, just wanted to share how I went from 10mg per day to 60mg per day in just four years. Sometimes I am sorry for ever going on them. Do the positives outweigh the negatives? Is the withdraw and even worse depression that ensues worth it when I run out early - sometimes up to 7-10 days. Is the shame I feel in drug seeking worth it? Money I don't have being spent? To me, it seems like I have changed. I feel Adderall has changed my mind & soul - and not in an overall good way. Yes the depression is horrible - yes the Adds do help. But, I feel like I always coped somehow without them being prescribed before. I was inventive with ways to cope and would foster change in my life to help alleviate the depression. But the Adderall have now become a crutch and I don't even bother to try to enhance my life anymore - just pop some pills = instant happy. Seems things I used to enjoy no longer interest me. I am too preoccupied with the Adderall. It's taken over my life. IMO, that is the Western medicine way - there's a pill for everything that you suffer from - just take the pill - it will do all the hard work for you - join the millions of over medicated "zombies" in the mental health world. If you get hooked - sorry, deal with it. Not our fault.

I am beginning to learn the truth behind Adderall now - my truth. I think I will cut back and take as directed. Stop the drug seeking to supplement my shortage. Maybe go off them altogether eventually. Remember, you will never find the peace & happiness you seek from a drug - at least not true & genuine peace. Just my opinion that relates to depression & sorrow. You have to keep trying & do some of the leg work yourself. There is no magic cure-all pill in the long run. You have to have hope & hang on to hope. You have to keep trying to find a way to cope. Hope & coping I think Adderall has taken away from me. Thanks for reading this rambling post and good luck & God bless if you share my problem, my views & can relate with my problem. Peace.
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Old 06-19-18, 08:35 AM
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Re: My Story & Adderall Journey.

Quote:
Originally Posted by fathom6 View Post
Maybe I'v not read your post completely. But why are you taking Adderall to cure your depression. Adderall is for ADHD/ADD. Its a powerful medicine that is only beneficial when taken in lower prescribed dosages. I love it and learnt to respect it because of its effects, and granted Adderrall does have an extra benefit albeit short-lived of lifting mood, but that does not mean you use it for depression. The simple and straight-forward risk of that is rapid tolerance and constantly upping the dosage till it becomes toxic to your body and you start blaming it for your dependence and other issues. The short story, Addy only manages depression for a limited time.
Actually, adderall and other stimulants are used for treatment resistant depression in cases where antidepressants have failed. But this should be after everything else is exhausted. I dont know what the op tried. There are also studies going on looking at provigil for treatment resistant depression.


Quote:
I think you need to do a complete detox, stop taking Addy for a while. First cure your depression. I know its tough finding the right anti-depressant, I myself struggle with it. But you got to do it. Adderall is so powerful, so intense, and is only dose-dependent safe, there is a price to pay if you take it at more than 40mg / day.
I take 80 mg a day. Been this way for years. Only upped it to 80 when I had my surgery and i started to metabolize medication differently. I used to be on 60mg which is the dose approved for narcolepsy.

Quote:
Could you state which specific anti-depressants you have tried??? How long did you take each? What did you not like about each? Your depression could be atypical. Have you tried for e.g. Wellbutrin? While I am not a doc, but I would first find the right anti-depressant, and be assured Adderall is not the right med for it. Vyvanse maybe is little bit more effective for depression, however again only take Vyvanse if you have ADD/ADHD or you are that one unique individual with a strong self-control that is not susceptible to creeping dosage and abuse.
I agree with you that the op needs to consider trying out antidepressants again but you cant keep saying that adderall is only for adhd. They use it for narcolepsy too.
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Old 06-19-18, 09:01 AM
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Re: My Story & Adderall Journey.

Adderall used to treat depression/low mood is always going to lead to tolerance. There's no point increasing your dose again, because after a while, you're going to need yet another increase, then another, then another. It's an endless cycle that can only lead you down the path of ruin and substance abuse.


You need something else. Do you recieve any kind of therapy? Are there any groups you attend to talk to and share your experiences with people with challenges like your own?


Perhaps you need to approach this issue from a different angle. Relying on ever increasing doses of Adderall isn't the solution.
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Old 06-19-18, 09:21 AM
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Re: My Story & Adderall Journey.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ronjay View Post
Thank you for your reply & advice. I know I need 60mg a day for my extremely tough depression. Big difference between 40mg and 60mg for me. But that is currently not an option. Want to clarify the extra I trade/buy are from people I know well, not off the street. Actually, forgot to mention, I have stopped buying them - too costly and I believe an eventual path to total addiction. Am just doing the 15 trade. I am just re-thinking the whole Adderall experience from start to now. I have become too reliant on them instead of trying other methods like before. I guess my actual point of my post is tolerance building, diminished effectiveness over time, and caution to absolute addiction. I am learning hard lessons. I believe I will get a handle on it, it's never too late.
To clarify, I wasn't suggesting that 40mg is your appropriate dose (only you and your doctor can work that out). But rather, was saying that 40mg is all your currently have reliable access to. Trading and/or buying off the "street" will, as you've already pointed out, create a debt that's very taxing to pay off. It creates a bubble/burst pattern that's probably making your underlying depression much worse than you're aware of.

If you truly think 60mg a day is the best treatment for your depression, talk to your doctor about it. Get a second opinion if you need to to. Reliable and consistent treatment will do you much more good than dosage!

Tolerance, in my opinion, is a sign that the med is not going to work, and other options should be explored. When a med works, tolerance is almost never brought up. And research has shown that tolerance to the therapeutic benefits of stimulants is practically non-existent.

All that said, there's some little known research that shows tolerance can be lowered in just a day or two by making one little change in how people take breaks from stimulants. Most people will go cold turkey for a day or two only to discover that their tolerance is is as high as ever when they return. However, if you take micro-doses on the those days off (5mg or less), you can almost completely reset your tolerance. This is not so true for heavy abusers who have the compounded issue of dependence on high doses though. Dependence is different than tolerance, but the two intertwine in ways that make it fuzzy.
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