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Men with ADD/ADHD This forum is for men to discuss issues related to being a man with AD/HD.

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  #16  
Old 12-06-17, 07:50 PM
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Re: End of the line

Hi SurfToLive,

I'm a bit late to the party, but I've been living a similar situation. I've been married for 11 years, and was only diagnosed a few years back.

My wife and I have fought about the same issues revolving around my short-comings for our entire relationship. After the fight, I'd get better for a while, but I'd start slipping back into my old habits, and we'd have a blow-up again a few months later. This kept happening over and over and I couldn't explain to her why I kept doing these things that were bringing us to the edge of divorce.

I started thinking about a medical problem, and after researching ADHD, it hit on all the problems I had. I was diagnosed, started treatment, and started learning everything I could. My wife has been extremely supportive of me, and she's done tons of reading as well. She also attends support group meetings with me. By learning more about ADHD, she is able to take a mental step back from the anger, and approach problems between us more constructively. She's still human, so of course she still gets upset, but it's not as bad as it used to be before we understood about my issues.

TL;DR: Knowledge is key for making things easier. Your partner understanding and having empathy for your issues will make it easier to process that you aren't intentionally trying to repeat your behaviours.
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Old 12-07-17, 07:23 AM
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Re: End of the line

Part of being undiagnosed or not accepting the diagnosis is that we cannot explain and understand ourselves, it keeps us trapped in a lot of guilt and low self esteem issues that often only fuel the conflict.

The other part is indeed that our partners perceive us as being careless, unrespectfull, selfish and uncomitted in day to life, not being aware of the uphill battle we are fighting to keep up our attention accross the board.

Many of us have come to a point that relationships ran sour due to AD(H)D, and it can even put you in a position where basically every r/s problem is dumped on you. And in the end all understanding is replaced with judgement and blame, on both sides, partners only end up justifying their own point and stop really listening to eachothers truths.

Before you can make things better, you have to stop them from getting worse.

On my end, things really improved the moment i stopped justifying myself for every bit of criticism that came my way. And listen. It wasn't easy cause the things you hear often are painfull, and screaming for a defense, and sometimes you just don't agree. I stopped justifying myself, i only explained myself after i had carefully listened, without the need to be right or control the discussion.

To reach that point, i first had to really admit to myself that my brain makes me act and feel differently then most people, and that it is only normal that there is so much confusion and misunderstanding on both sides. I am an orange, but everybody expected me to be an apple. And i expected everybody to be an orange like myself.
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