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Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships.

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Old 09-26-19, 05:50 AM
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My partner told me I 'rudely' interrupt 'people' when I talk.

I am not a very social person. I dont care about a lot of people besides my family, close friends and of course my partner. Because of the nature of my current situation(back to school), I have to work in teams a lot. And I have felt that I am unable to voice my opinions because I don't know when to talk. I either end up not talking at all (I have social anxiety and I overthink a lot about what I have to say),or I have to find a small window of break in someone's long monologue to insert my thoughts. Otherwise, its always all men talking or all people who are loud and too chatty talking. And I dont want to end up being graded less or not contributing at all to the project. (There have been times where I have completely given up and let the most loud person do everything they wanted or just do my version of the work ahead of time so I can just showcase it in that way because I wouldn't be able to speak anyway). There are also times where I feel like we are talking in circles or going off topic and I prefer to exit or start doing something else more important because I dont want to waste my time.

My personal life is something where I dont want to have the barriers of social stigmas/courtesys. I don't like to keep unresolved arguments and prefer to argue all night instead of keeping it for later and letting it harbor as hatred or resentment.
And that involves a lot of interrupting my partner and being interrupted. (Idk I feel like I dont want to lose the thought or I just dont want the topic to change to something else and us not ending the original discussion). And to that, she told me "If you are like that to me. You must be like that to other people". This particularly hurt me a lot because I thought we were away from thinking what 'other' people thought of us and it was us against the world.
Idk if its my adhd or just the social anxiety or depression. I feel like I have been cornered. My handful of friends and my partner are the only people I rely on for my sanity. I understand she was mad at me and wanted to hurt me at that moment. But I still don't understand why destroying my self esteem further was required there. She has not even seen me with other "team" people.
This jist makes me scared of telling her or talking to her about my frustrations because I will be scared of being judged.
Idk what my point is. Im just super exhausted and super sad right now. Just wanted to let it out.
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Old 09-26-19, 12:26 PM
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Re: My partner told me I 'rudely' interrupt 'people' when I talk.

space aint easy
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Old 09-27-19, 09:57 PM
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Re: My partner told me I 'rudely' interrupt 'people' when I talk.

And today, she interrupted me while I was telling her something about my day and started saying somsthing else.. wasnt even listening to me. ��
Idk how to solve this.��
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Old 09-28-19, 06:20 AM
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Re: My partner told me I 'rudely' interrupt 'people' when I talk.

Feel unable to talk without appear too abrupt and rude
End up being monologued and the conversation has moved on before you have had your chance to make your point.

That is the classic ADHD bind.
The trouble is that our nervous systems are highly aroused in a stress state almost all the time--- and in that state we read cues differently to others. Our nervous systems are on high alert and that in itself plays havoc with our capacity to converse.

This issue is dealt with at length by the Psychiatrist Steven Porges. His Polyvagal theory is regarded as the most advanced development in understanding our Autonomic Nervous system, and is proving a very major influence in the world of psychotherapy.


His essay, Somatic Perspectives in Psychotherapy makes many useful points, but I will quote only 1.
https://www.themeadows.com/wp-conten..._interview.pdf
Quote:
“If we observe children in a classroom, we see a variety of behavioural features that illustrate that some children are safe and can sit comfortably in the same situations that trigger in other children the hypervigilant behaviours characterising a lack of safety.
Moreover, the children who are chronically monitoring the room for danger cues are the same children who have difficulties in learning, while those with the features of feeling safe can attend to the teacher and learn efficiently.


Now the important thing to understand is that the behaviours that are causing trouble are out of the reach of your conscious control.
The unconscious/ survival aspect of our nervous system responds much faster than our conscious will.

To make things even more difficult, the stimulants that we are prescribed, further rev up our stress response-- to the point where the caricature of the motor mouthed speed freak is one that everyone can recognise.

So- what to do?
Options include communication focussed couples counselling with an ADHD aware counsellor.

You need to be sure that your partner is aware of the extent of the problem, and you need to be working together to find a way to get around it.

I doubt the issue is as bad at work as at home, and lessons learned from the couples counselling are likely to be applicable in multiple settings.

The other area that is likely to be helpful is relaxation/ meditation training, that will help[ you become more aware of your state of relaxation, and to enable you to improve it.





He is talking about ADHD there as well as dyslexia and other "learning disorders"




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Old 09-28-19, 01:16 PM
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Re: My partner told me I 'rudely' interrupt 'people' when I talk.

I've been told many times by my adult daughter that I interrupt, and yeah,
in attempting not to interrupt have become a prisoner to the monologue.

She has mild adhd and in looking back I suspect that when she is interrupted
she has trouble getting back to her train of thought.
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Old 09-30-19, 10:20 PM
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Re: My partner told me I 'rudely' interrupt 'people' when I talk.

You guys should consider therapy to work on communication issues.
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Old 10-16-19, 07:07 PM
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Re: My partner told me I 'rudely' interrupt 'people' when I talk.

I do it all the time now. Just met with the doc, switching meds, cheaper than divorce court.
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Old 10-17-19, 11:56 AM
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Re: My partner told me I 'rudely' interrupt 'people' when I talk.

My issue is I can't hear you once I have something to say during the conversation. Until I say what I need to say I can only focus on my thought.

I also have issues in timing as well, especially when someone just keeps rambling and there isn't an opportunity to interject or participate. Hub widens his eyes and chides me later if I interrupt so most of the time I just forget about participating in social conversations. blah, blah, blah...yeah, yeah, I'm really not listening to you now because I'm buried by your words...mhmm...head nod. Which I then get..."you're awfully quiet" or "you never listen to me"...

At work I have to guide the conversation so it's easier for me to lead and provide feedback and insight. I like to give people time to express themselves during these conversations. I guess I just operate the way I wish others would for me.
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Old 10-18-19, 10:39 AM
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Re: My partner told me I 'rudely' interrupt 'people' when I talk.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andi View Post
My issue is I can't hear you once I have something to say during the conversation. Until I say what I need to say I can only focus on my thought.

I also have issues in timing as well, especially when someone just keeps rambling and there isn't an opportunity to interject or participate. Hub widens his eyes and chides me later if I interrupt so most of the time I just forget about participating in social conversations. blah, blah, blah...yeah, yeah, I'm really not listening to you now because I'm buried by your words...mhmm...head nod. Which I then get..."you're awfully quiet" or "you never listen to me"...

At work I have to guide the conversation so it's easier for me to lead and provide feedback and insight. I like to give people time to express themselves during these conversations. I guess I just operate the way I wish others would for me.
^ This ...
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