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Women with ADD/ADHD This forum is for women to discuss issues related to being a woman with AD/HD.

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  #16  
Old 10-18-07, 07:58 AM
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Re: ADHD and sexual promiscuity....

Kat381, hi, welcome aboard! I can relate to your issue. I was undiagnosed until a year ago, I'm 46 now. And in my late teens the internal yearning for that kind of stimulation, the physical and more so the emotional rush, the whole rollercoaster of love - God, I wanted that so much it HURT. Well, I got pregnant at 18, got married... it's been rocky but I landed on my feet, really, he's a good partner and I love him... but I can look back now and see what was going on with me, and if i had some insight at the time I might have not done my life back arsewards. I did baby, marriage and THEN career.

21 is young, indeed; "settled down" is one of many ways you could live. You could also pick up and join the Peace Corps and exhaust your body and mind every day in more fulfilling ways than the dissatisfying sexual adventurism you're engaging in. If you need stimulation and thrills, that's fine! Find 'em!

For myself, I think the sexual outlet was a copout; I was afraid to have real grownup adventures that would put me at risk of failing. I could have been striking out on some quest instead, and gotten some of the rush I was seeking that way. Also, premature sex can be a shield against true intimacy, because it's scary to let someone really, truly close so you distract 'em with sex.

I don't care for the word "promiscuous", either. The issue is whether you like your life with the amount and kind of sex you're having, I think. Since you are here and sharing, I guess you don't. Be safe, hon. But I don't think sexual excess is inherently more "immoral" than any other kind of darkness we embrace in our souls. The issue is not so much "stay within the lines of conventional morality", it's more about harnessing your passion and finding your Best Self.

I hope you get in a better place. There's a lot of people here who can give you support and encouragement. Love you!
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Old 10-20-07, 03:32 AM
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Old 10-20-07, 05:38 PM
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meadd823 member reponse

Quote:
I know the consequences of being sexually active with more than one person but for some reason I still do it. It makes me feel good being with a man but the way I feel after is worse
This is how I see it really. . . .

The answer lies in the why you feel bad about it.

21 is young and it is normally a period of our lives in which we begin to experiment, sort, separate in an effort to define who we are as an individual a part from our parents ideas.


Often times guilt arises when we go in a direction counter to what we were taught as children. In other wards a person brought up in a strong traditional environment may feel bad because multiple partners are against that teaching. The feeling of "bad" may not be due to the activity it self but caused by the fact they are counter to the ideas we were taught. The act of multiple sex partners may be impulsive or it may simply be a means for testing the various life styles to see which ones fit.


Then again bad can be due to the fact that you are in the process of deciding multiple sex partners is not some thing you personally want.

I have my own ideas of good and bad that I would not dare place upon others for we each must make our own choices as to what is moral and what is not. I myself begin from a non-traditional view on sex, so multiple sex partners was not some thing I found to be morally "bad"at 21. In my family sex is a biological function that generated pleasurable feeling simply out of an evolutionary process that would increase the chances of reproduction. Partnering to rear children was viewed in the same manner - species survival purposes. Needless to say I was not brought up in a religious environment.

I find interesting connections to traditional monogamous sex and the life of those who live in non-monogamous fashions. The traditional means sex is a result of intimacy between two people but the primary aspect of this relationship is to be that of partnership, trust, honesty, and commitment. In the "swing" life style this also holds true as those relationships a couple would have to base thier relationship upon partnership, trust, honesty and commitment out side of sex sense sex in those relationships is not restricted to ones spouse However in my experience couples that are able successful navigate this arrangement normally have specific mutually agreed upon guidelines of the couples own making.

In other wards sex can be viewed as a result of intimacy or apart from intimacy depending upon the personal boundaries you set up for your self. Sex however in itself is NOT intimancy. Look for why you feel bad because chances are the feeling are due in part because you have not yet defined what aspect of life sex is to inhabit for you and now is your chance to make that decision.


Weather my previous multiple partner engagement was due to ADD stimuli seeking is unknown and more than likely irreverent, I engaged in such behavior because it felt good and I liked it. I did not have the moral struggle many have because I was not reared in a manner that placed those types of restrictions upon sexual activity. At a later time when I choose to adopt for myself more restricted limitations upon sex remaining within the confines of marriage I was able to accomplish this with no problems. Monogamy was an mutually agreed upon boundary period. My point is morals can and do change with time and despite decades of living in a more liberal sexual atmosphere I had no problems converting to a more conservative one therefore I did not engage in "promiscuous sex" because I was addicted to sex or suffering from a poor self esteem. I engaged in "promiscuous sex" because it was the life style I choose at the time and nothing more. We our selves attach meaning, morals and even emotional feelings to sex. Perhaps it will help if you know that choice is yours.
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  #19  
Old 10-20-07, 05:47 PM
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Re: ADHD and sexual promiscuity....

Yeah. I have never liked the term promiscuity. I don't find it accurate. And it is often misinterpreted.

(Just as self defeating behaviours or masochism have been historically
misinterpreted to mean someone "likes" to suffer. Such a surface meaning for situations where much deeper and complex multitudinous issues can lie.)

And as Kilted basically said, it is a sexist 'double standard'. Good point.

NB There is just starting to be some Social Research in to "male teen pregnancy" and promiscuity. (e.g. The teen fathers). There isn't much research either on young men who have many partners and many children [that they can't care, or do NOT want to, care for].
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  #20  
Old 10-21-07, 06:42 AM
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Wink Re: ADHD and sexual promiscuity....

Quote:
Originally Posted by kilted_scotsman
Addicted to nicotine....acceptable and common, alcohol common and once admitted people gather round to help, likewise with drugs, but admit to having an issue with sex and you'll find that people edge away scared of their own weaknesses in that regard.

kilt

Really? We're more uptight about sex than the British? or did I misunderstand.
You are so right. I have questions and want to discuss sex at 50(which is freaking awesome, by the way) and no one will talk! Women get mad because apparently I'm having better sex than they are and more of it. I'm married and I don't talk about sex with men (besides of course my hubby).

Love the name: kilted_scotsman......mmmmm....kilts....
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  #21  
Old 10-22-07, 03:37 AM
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Re: ADHD and sexual promiscuity....

Yup....the Brits are all stiff upper lip but behind that is a penchant for debauchery second to none. Fortunately our leaders have stopped getting on the morality bandwagon as they have discovered its very slippery and always ends in tears in the gutter where, thanks to Rupert Murdoch our press now lives.

Since so many or our lords and masters went to single sex boarding schools specialising in repressing and displacing sexual desire their own private lives are a wonderfully rich and fruity tapestry of perversion and bizarre indulgence.

So the next time you meet an English milord in New York......remember he probably has a penchant for spanking ambassadors wives, behind closed doors of course.

The Scots of course are completely different!

As for finding information on sex......nothing like diving into the dark world of the internet.

kilt
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Old 10-23-07, 04:19 PM
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Re: meadd823 member reponse

Quote:
Originally Posted by meadd823

I have my own ideas of good and bad that I would not dare place upon others for we each must make our own choices as to what is moral and what is not. I myself begin from a non-traditional view on sex, so multiple sex partners was not some thing I found to be morally "bad"at 21. In my family sex is a biological function that generated pleasurable feeling simply out of an evolutionary process that would increase the chances of reproduction. Partnering to rear children was viewed in the same manner - species survival purposes. Needless to say I was not brought up in a religious environment.
i thought that we were to refrain from having a religous conversation.
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Old 10-29-07, 10:08 AM
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Re: ADHD and sexual promiscuity....

Quote:
i thought that we were to refrain from having a religous conversation.
Ah a funny - we can mention the word religion, not discussing religion means not talking about specific doctrines of faith/spiritual practices.


Now exactly which spiritual faith or practice do I discuss in my post?

Please quote example directly from my post.

I am a fair person if you can name the exact doctrine of faith/spiritual beliefs and point to the exact place in which I do it then I shall edit my own post just as I would yours or any one else who discusses a specific religion /spiritual practice
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Old 10-30-07, 09:59 AM
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Re: ADHD and sexual promiscuity....

someone with a religious background could gleem from your post the suggestion of atheism. that would (imo) be the same as a religous conversation. suggesting that religous morals do not apply, that the individule is to determine what is good and bad, is the same as suggesting that they do. similar as to saying "i dont believe in atheism". that, i would suggest, is a religous discussion.


d
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Old 10-30-07, 10:10 AM
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Re: ADHD and sexual promiscuity....

boy did i make a lot of suggesting above.

lol its really not a big deal to me either way. just thought it was funny.
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Old 10-30-07, 10:35 AM
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Re: ADHD and sexual promiscuity....

Quote:
Originally Posted by douggiestyle
someone with a religious background could gleem from your post the suggestion of atheism. that would (imo) be the same as a religous conversation. suggesting that religous morals do not apply, that the individule is to determine what is good and bad, is the same as suggesting that they do. similar as to saying "i dont believe in atheism". that, i would suggest, is a religous discussion.


d
I have a very religous background, but I definately did not find meadd823's post offending at all. the post was started by
Quote:
I have my own ideas of good and bad
If faith is in our OPPINIONS i think it should be allowed. Lets not start war over it though.

My OPPINION. . . No sex is safe sex.
My oppinion a few years ago was different, and I changed that because of religous reasons, plus that my country has a VERY HIGH AIDS/HIV rate. dont wanna get that.

Plus I have other personal reasons.

At the end of the day, sex and relationships are two different things, its far to often confused to be the same thing.
when the sex is gone, what is left?
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Old 10-30-07, 12:17 PM
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Re: ADHD and sexual promiscuity....

i did not find it offensive at all.

i always like the freedom of -vs- freedom from, argument.

what does offend me is the idea that discussing the non existance of god/religion is not considered as a religous discussion. this is what occurs in schools. teaching the ideas that man/nature created everything is teaching the religion of atheism. sure its a rather fine line, that is why i do so enjoy discussing it.

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Old 10-31-07, 05:39 PM
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Re: ADHD and sexual promiscuity....

well, let's meander back to the original purpose of our thread, which was helping Kat with her issue. Of course sexuality touches on our view of the meaning of life.


Kat, what's YOUR take on that? I don't mean you have to tell us. I mean, maybe think about it? What do you really want to do, to feel, to BE? I don't mean career. I mean, the essence of your being; what's going to harness the inner fire and give it an outlet? I keep remembering how so much of my own life I've used the pleasures of the flesh - sex, food, entertainment of various kinds - as a distraction from my inner dissatisfaction with who I was and how stuck I felt, because I was afraid to declare myself and of the inevitable failures that go along with taking risks.

For a woman, sex is a failure-free activity, isn't it? Sort of reassuring that way. And the emotional rollercoaster can be an ADDer's dream, the downs as much as the ups. Just, the thrill of feeling things with such intensity, and it's so easily available in the sexual arena. Much easier to get on that thrill ride than to focus on doing hard things that really grow your soul.

I don't at all mean anyone who has non-monogamous sex is avoiding grownup life. I mean, it's what happened with me, and I wanted to offer that viewpoint.
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Old 11-01-07, 01:54 AM
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Re: ADHD and sexual promiscuity....

Hi Katherine38.

I'm an female ADDer and I for one am not promiscuous as such and I haven't had a lot of partners or relationships for that matter, however with that said when I am with someone I find that I'm more easily pressured into sexual relations only to regret it the next day because I didn't want to do it in the first place with that particular person.

It does sound to me like you have some serious self esteem issues and I got that impression when you said that being with a man makes you feel good, I wouldn't say that ADHD is an excuse for sexual promiscurity but I wouldn't say it's entirely blameless either...after all we're impulsive creatures by nature.

I'm not one to promote counselling but sometimes this can help...have you perhaps thought of seeing someone to discuss this as it seems this issue is bothering you.

As for the higher risk of STI's or unwanted pregnancies...it might be a good idea to get tested regularly, I'm actually due to get a STI test next week and even if you're not active they're great to have just for peace of mind sake and regarding pregnancy contraception might be a good idea too.

Regards
Selena
Quote:
Originally Posted by katherine381
I dont know whether I'm promiscuous partly because of the ADHD or because I have low self esteem or all of the above. As most of you know ADHD affects every aspect of your life, whether you like it or not.... I read somewhere that people with ADHD are at a higher risk for STI's, unwanted pregnancy, and are also more likely to have multiple sex partners. I know the consequences of being sexually active with more than one person but for some reason I still do it. It makes me feel good being with a man but the way I feel after is worse than how I felt before it happened. I know my impulsivity has been a big factor on a few occasions, but still it shouldn't be an excuse. I'm 21 now and feel like it's time to find someone and settle down, but honestly I don't know if I'll be able to settle down. I'm scared that I won't be able to find a man who really appreciates me and understands me and why I am the way I am. I don't like using ADHD as an excuse but sometimes I feel like its the only true answer as to why I do some of the things I do....especially when I don't think before I act, which tends to happen quite often. I've gotten better at managing my ADHD as I've gotten older but I feel like I'm still struggling constantly.......any thoughts?
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Old 11-01-07, 07:29 AM
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Re: ADHD and sexual promiscuity....

Quote:
well, let's meander back to the original purpose of our thread, which was helping Kat with her issue
Excellent idea.
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