Update to "Men and Porn" thread

[CrushCrush]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

People just need to relax about porn.

If I was a woman I wouldn't want my man watching porn and getting off in front of me. To me it's a matter of class and respect. I would never do that in front of my wife. I like the 'don't ask, don't tell' policy when it comes to porn. I think that's the right way to do it

Also today's porn with all the slapping, spitting in faces, even punching, and 'violent' talking is a bit over the top. It's getting silly and it turns me off personally.

[CrushCrush]

Originally Posted by tambourine-man

Men are sexually stimulated by visuals and men are sexually stimulated, well, a lot.

Yeah but not all men like how extreme todays porn in is.

[hxt1138]

Originally Posted by Conman

im cutting down on porn. primarily cuz i use my madre's computer now, but also just so i dont get any illusions grandeur or different views of women. but yes, porn is awesome

There's always incognito surfing feature in firefox lol.

I think the stimulating issue is the main point. When i am not on medication my libido is too much. I will often watch porn even after sex if i get a chance. It has lowered since i started using meds; but as i became used to the meds they stopped lowering my libido so much.

I think the problem and fear of a partner would always be if he likes all this porn or thrill seeking that the person would cheat on them by actively seeking strangers or if the situation suddenly came to his door that they would not turn down sex with someone else.

Honestly though i think the partner could turn this around by trying to work harder at doing "funner" things in bed and trying to have sex more often. Of course this is not always the case because some people just dont want as much sex as the next which is a compatibility issue. However he would be able to attach that euphoria/excitement feeling to the partner instead of his fantasies.

[Massari]

Originally Posted by mrs A

I have not been on the forum much but have noticed how the thread I started some 2 years ago stirred up alot of responses. I am writing this update because of what I have learned and lived through, may help others.

Over the past 1 1/2 years we (husband and I) have tried to deal with this issue which always seemed to get out of hand. I had agreed to "ignore" his porn watching as long as he viewed it while the kids were not around and it was just movies, nothing else!!

He explained many, many times his views and thoughts of why and what he thinks of it. I tried to believe him. On an agreement we had made, I could look into his laptop at anytime to see what he was viewing, and as time went on I noticed it was not what he was telling me. I could see this was out of control again, beyond movies.

I had done some research on porn/sex addiction, and this was him!! Joined a forum like this one, and found alot of information. This is my husband!!! That having ADHD is very common with this addiction --that it is not recognized as a "true" addiction to many. Just as ADHD is not recognized as a "real" disorder to many.

It took me standing up to him and telling him to leave, before he would even look into what I was talking about. Same as when he would not accept that he has ADHD, after son was diagnosed. After he looked into the forum and some of the links through the site, he did see his problem. He is a porn/sex addict and has to stay away from anything that is a trigger(you guessed it!). He knows the boundaries and what the outcome will be. And so do I.....

The addict is always the last to see when its a problem.

Thanks to those that understood my concerns. Your words kept me thinking clearly, not seeing it as "my" problem.
mrs A

What porn does he watch? I doubt you cannot do to him what the material depicts. It is your duty to satisfy your husband's sexual desires and vice versa. Sexuality is not an addiction, it's a must and when one neglects his partner's sexuality, problems like this can arise.

[mrs A]

i really do not need to respond to that comment made so long ago but I think its ignorance that creates most misunderstandings. We are now divorced and I am so much better after learning from SAnon that this has nothing to do with the partner of an addict and all to do with the addict!!. Just as any addiction. But when it comes to the word Sex, all of a sudden its because the wife isn't putting out or doing her "job"? how disturbing....as in any addiction, it can and will progress, stronger drugs, more booze, loose the house from gambling etc. Well porn desensitizes and the need for new or more arousing then crossed into viewing young girls, then sexting with a 16 yr old. He was 54 at that time and that crossed the line of no return. and Yes there are female sex addicts as well, just not as many as we had a few men in our SAnon meetings at times. Its not all about the sex....... The End

[Dwarfer]

Well, is not "impulse control" (or lack of it) one of the hallmarks of the people who tend to gather here?

And "sex" is certainly an impulse among other things !

Sometimes the ideation of the individual who is watching porn is not identifying with the person who is of the same gender but rather deep fascination with the "other's" role.
This obviously can lead to complications with a significant other!

It is too bad when a fantasy destroys a real relationship, but the truth of it is that each organism has a primal drive to " get off" and it will drive over anything to do it.

"Pain" is unavoidable , but "suffering" arises from attachment, (saith the Buddha..)

[20thcenturyfox]

Originally Posted by Massari

What porn does he watch? I doubt you cannot do to him what the material depicts. It is your duty to satisfy your husband's sexual desires and vice versa. Sexuality is not an addiction, it's a must and when one neglects his partner's sexuality, problems like this can arise.

I'm trying to imagine any of the happily married men I have ever known saying such a thing...and...I...just...can't. Still laughing.

And good for OP. Until these dinosaurs die off, we just have to let this sort of thing roll off our backs.