Are men not allowed to think about sex anymore?

[Fraser_0762]

Originally Posted by WhiteOwl

Well, this is embarrassing to admit, but I've always started "falling" for people really quickly, too. Always. I used to fall so hard for my crushes, that I would be just devastated when I realized they weren't interested in me. Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, just cried. Even now, I start talking to a guy and get this grandiose picture in my head of what he's like. I have vivid imagination, lol, so I'm already thinking of our future together and stuff. Until he turns out to not be what my lying mind told me he was. And then I'm like, "What's wrong with you, mind?! You don't even know this person!" I wish I had advice on how to stop doing that, so I could take my own advice. I don't think it's "love", though, because I don't think you can just fall in love that quickly with a bunch of random people you don't really know. I don't know what it is.

Oh good.... it's not just me that's crazy then. Yep, that's what it's called being "crazy".

I think it's loneliness that drives it. Eventually you reach a point where you just want a deep connection with pretty much anyone, because you're so tired of feeling empty and alone inside. You just want somebody to rock your world, even if they are a complete stranger. I totally get it!

[Fraser_0762]

Originally Posted by Stevuke79

Like if you're emailing.. and she writes 5 sentences... Don't reply with a novel...

And if she took 24 hrs to respond.. don't reply 2 minutes after she responds.

You're right of course. But I think that's where my poor impulse control comes into play. When I hear from someone, i'm always rushing to reply to them. I just can't leave an email a text or a missed phone call unattended to. Otherwise it will play on my mind more and more until I take care of it.

How do you make yourself not be impulsive?

[WhiteOwl]

Originally Posted by Fraser_0762

Oh good.... it's not just me that's crazy then. Yep, that's what it's called being "crazy".

I think it's loneliness that drives it. Eventually you reach a point where you just want a deep connection with pretty much anyone, because you're so tired of feeling empty and alone inside. You just want somebody to rock your world, even if they are a complete stranger. I totally get it!

And it doesn't help when you have a friend who met the "love of her life" after only 5 minutes of creating her account. Then you think, well maybe that will happen to me and this is that person! But, nope. That kind of luck only belongs to other people.

[Fraser_0762]

Originally Posted by WhiteOwl

And it doesn't help when you have a friend who met the "love of her life" after only 5 minutes of creating her account. Then you think, well maybe that will happen to me and this is that person! But, nope. That kind of luck only belongs to other people.

Both my brother and my father are getting married to their partners next year. I don't have friends, but my family all have somebody and naturally, i'm the only one who doesn't.

It hurts, but you're not alone in being alone.

[Stevuke79]

Originally Posted by Fraser_0762

You're right of course. But I think that's where my poor impulse control comes into play. When I hear from someone, i'm always rushing to reply to them. I just can't leave an email a text or a missed phone call unattended to. Otherwise it will play on my mind more and more until I take care of it.

How do you make yourself not be impulsive?

Make rules. I'm serious... Just DONT. it takes practice.. it's hard at first but WILL get easier.

Look at how long it took them to reply.. look at when they replied and add that amount of time. Like don't even consider replying earlier earlier until you have some connection

[Stevuke79]

It will become engrained in you... You'll laugh but it's so ingrained now.. I even do it with work lol

[WhiteOwl]

Originally Posted by Fraser_0762

You're right of course. But I think that's where my poor impulse control comes into play. When I hear from someone, i'm always rushing to reply to them. I just can't leave an email a text or a missed phone call unattended to. Otherwise it will play on my mind more and more until I take care of it.

How do you make yourself not be impulsive?

I think if you are both online at the same time and/or have set up a time to talk, it's obviously good to reply as promptly as possible because you know the other person is waiting for you. Then there's the times when you both just pop in and out to shoot quick messages at each other, but no one is sitting and waiting for a reply. Just don't even check for a reply until a certain amount of time has passed. Get busy doing something else.

I feel like I have to say this, though, based on my experience. I made time to talk to these people and I expected the same thing in return. One person said we could talk at so-and-so time, I looked forward to talking to him, made sure I was available at that time and then.....he wasn't. I think I've already mentioned the person who disappeared for 3 days, mid-conversation. It doesn't sound like you would do that, if you have trouble replying too soon, but just don't forget manners. If you have to go and can't talk, just say it and the person should understand. Don't swing the opposite way, so you come across as disinterested. Don't be too eager, but still be respectful and show some interest.

I'm just curious, do the women you talk to on there do the type of stuff I mentioned? Do they take forever to respond, disappear or give short little one-sentence answers? I'm curious because I don't think I was giving super long answers, but was mostly only getting once sentence replies. I don't think I responded too promptly, but I also never just left in the middle of a conversation where we were both online and replying quickly, leaving a person's question unanswered and without saying goodbye. I'm wondering if this is just guys? If that's normal on there? Am I being unreasonable in expecting common courtesy and manners? Are the women like that, too? Maybe it's just me, but if I'm interested enough to talk to someone at all, I'm interested in them, period. Or else I wouldn't even be talking to them in the first place. And if I stopped being interested, I would tell them why and then end it (which never even happened with me, I never got an explanation at all). So why is there even a "who's more interested" game? I just hate it all.

[OyVeyKitty]

I respectfully disagree with the advice to try to hold back and play it cool. I personally don't like playing games and will not date people who are obviously doing it. It's a complete deal breaker for me. All the people I have enjoyed dating have been ones who haven't been afraid to reciprocate. I typically mention upfront on my profile that I don't play games and don't appreciate it when others do either. I'm looking for someone who can be honest with me, even when it's scary.

Just to note that there are people out there who don't like it when others play hard to get. Showing confidence and wit by flirting is much more attractive to me. (Which, might I add Fraser, you manage to pull off just fine here on the forums whether you do it intentionally or not. ) I think the key is not in pretending to be hard to get, but instead to actually know what you want and don't want and to not be afraid to communicate your value through that. There's a huge difference between being desperate and consciously choosing someone as a partner to date.

On the other hand, here I am, single again so... So maybe the problem really is with my own approach.

Edit because Owlie posted while I was writing my post:

There's actually a word for people disappearing a re-appearing like that. It's called submarining. It's even more disrespectful than ghosting if you ask me.

[Fraser_0762]

Originally Posted by WhiteOwl

I think if you are both online at the same time and/or have set up a time to talk, it's obviously good to reply as promptly as possible because you know the other person is waiting for you. Then there's the times when you both just pop in and out to shoot quick messages at each other, but no one is sitting and waiting for a reply. Just don't even check for a reply until a certain amount of time has passed. Get busy doing something else.

I feel like I have to say this, though, based on my experience. I made time to talk to these people and I expected the same thing in return. One person said we could talk at so-and-so time, I looked forward to talking to him, made sure I was available at that time and then.....he wasn't. I think I've already mentioned the person who disappeared for 3 days, mid-conversation. It doesn't sound like you would do that, if you have trouble replying too soon, but just don't forget manners. If you have to go and can't talk, just say it and the person should understand. Don't swing the opposite way, so you come across as disinterested. Don't be too eager, but still be respectful and show some interest.

I'm just curious, do the women you talk to on there do the type of stuff I mentioned? Do they take forever to respond, disappear or give short little one-sentence answers? I'm curious because I don't think I was giving super long answers, but was mostly only getting once sentence replies. I don't think I responded too promptly, but I also never just left in the middle of a conversation where we were both online and replying quickly, leaving a person's question unanswered and without saying goodbye. I'm wondering if this is just guys? If that's normal on there? Am I being unreasonable in expecting common courtesy and manners? Are the women like that, too? Maybe it's just me, but if I'm interested enough to talk to someone at all, I'm interested in them, period. Or else I wouldn't even be talking to them in the first place. And if I stopped being interested, I would tell them why and then end it (which never even happened with me, I never got an explanation at all). So why is there even a "who's more interested" game? I just hate it all.

Yes, I have the same problem with women across the internet. They'll perhaps exchange 2 or 3 messages and then they won't respond ever again. I'll usually send them 2 or 3 messages over the next few days to see if they'll respond again, but they usually don't and I force myself to stop sending them more as I don't want to be screwed over with an harassment lawsuit.

Women probably think that I respond quickly because i'm desperate and clingy. But I do the same thing when communicating with men as well. I just don't like to leave people waiting, as I don't like waiting myself.

I hate the waiting game that everybody seems to play these days. It's not something I can be bothered with.

[Fraser_0762]

Originally Posted by OyVeyKitty

I respectfully disagree with the advice to try to hold back and play it cool. I personally don't like playing games and will not date people who are obviously doing it. It's a complete deal breaker for me. All the people I have enjoyed dating have been ones who haven't been afraid to reciprocate. I typically mention upfront on my profile that I don't play games and don't appreciate it when others do either. I'm looking for someone who can be honest with me, even when it's scary.

Just to note that there are people out there who don't like it when others play hard to get. Showing confidence and wit by flirting is much more attractive to me. (Which, might I add Fraser, you manage to pull off just fine here on the forums whether you do it intentionally or not. ) I think the key is not in pretending to be hard to get, but instead to actually know what you want and don't want and to not be afraid to communicate your value through that. There's a huge difference between being desperate and consciously choosing someone as a partner to date.

On the other hand, here I am, single again so... So maybe the problem really is with my own approach.

Edit because Owlie posted while I was writing my post:

There's actually a word for people disappearing a re-appearing like that. It's called submarining. It's even more disrespectful than ghosting if you ask me.

Ha! You and WhiteOwl would be the ideal types for me. How ironic. Women of your calibre don't seem to exist around these parts. Or i'm merely looking in all of the wrong places!

[WhiteOwl]

Originally Posted by OyVeyKitty

I respectfully disagree with the advice to try to hold back and play it cool. I personally don't like playing games and will not date people who are obviously doing it. It's a complete deal breaker for me. All the people I have enjoyed dating have been ones who haven't been afraid to reciprocate. I typically mention upfront on my profile that I don't play games and don't appreciate it when others do either. I'm looking for someone who can be honest with me, even when it's scary.

Just to note that there are people out there who don't like it when others play hard to get. Showing confidence and wit by flirting is much more attractive to me. (Which, might I add Fraser, you manage to pull off just fine here on the forums whether you do it intentionally or not. ) I think the key is not in pretending to be hard to get, but instead to actually know what you want and don't want and to not be afraid to communicate your value through that. There's a huge difference between being desperate and consciously choosing someone as a partner to date.

On the other hand, here I am, single again so... So maybe the problem really is with my own approach.

Edit because Owlie posted while I was writing my post:

There's actually a word for people disappearing a re-appearing like that. It's called submarining. It's even more disrespectful than ghosting if you ask me.

Yes, so true. I feel like I know what I want and these people either don't know what they want or they're just lying when they say they want the same thing. If I didn't want to talk, I wouldn't be on there! I just keep thinking these same guys are going to be on there forever looking for who knows what.

The guy who left for 3 days and showed up later, didn't even answer my question. He just said, "Hey sorry for the late reply. I got busy". What reply, he didn't even answer my question? I ignored him and he messaged me again a few days later, "How are you doing?" I finally messaged him back and told him that he left me mid-conversation and that I was looking to be respected and taken seriously, so he needed to look elsewhere for whatever he was looking for, and good luck with that! The funny thing is, his profile said "I have a lot to offer and expect the same in return. Don't waste my time and I won't waste yours". Yet there he was trying to waste my time. That's why you just can't trust anyone on there.

[Fraser_0762]

I'll admit that there are times when I am genuinely caught up in something and i'm not able to respond as promptly as I would like. But I always and I mean ALWAYS apologize if I leave somebody waiting too long for a response. I just think it's good manners to be apologetic and to explain why I was unable to respond in a reasonable time frame.

Simply saying "I was just busy" is extremely crude and shows no real respect or interest towards that person.

[WhiteOwl]

Originally Posted by Fraser_0762

Ha! You and WhiteOwl would be the ideal types for me. How ironic. Women of your calibre don't seem to exist around these parts. Or i'm merely looking in all of the wrong places!

Haha, if you ever move to the states and you're into "old ladies" with kids, hit me up!

But seriously, this made me wonder what age range of women you are talking to on there. I'm not saying all younger women are immature, but maybe you need to look a little older because older women seem to have a better idea of what they want and don't want to play games. A lot of women in their 30's still haven't settled down or had kids yet.

But on this note: Is it kind of creepy if a guy in his 30's has an age range starting at 18 on his profile? I see that a lot on there and it strikes me as being a little creepy.

[Stevuke79]

I haven't dated in 13 years and even while dating I was no expert (wow.. has it been 13 years.. I guess I'm at the stage where I don't have to worry about sounding over eager in replying to my wife's texts )... That being said...

Definitely don't play games. But also be aware of the message you send. (The submariners in the above posts sound like d#$&s ... Don't be a d#$&. Don't disappear for 3 days and don't vanish in the middle of a live chat without excusing yourself .. and if you make a time to be online and chat because you BOTH expressed interest and agreed... You had better be there.)

Think of it this way, every time you communicate you are setting expectations as well as declaring your own expectations. How you communicate is an indication of how you would like to be communicated with...

So that all being said... Make sure you think about what expectations you would like to convey... And if that's the message you're sending then that's all that matters and you're all set!

But for instance I would be hesitant to apologize for a delayed response if it's within 24 hours ... And I wouldn't send a second message if they haven't responded to your last.. Because even though you don't mean to you are actually putting pressure on them. Unless of course you're breaking the rhythm of communication or taking much longer to respond than they have...

But otherwise if you message them and they respond in 24 hours (which is a reasonable amount of time) and you reply right away... then they respond in another 24 hours and when you see it you want to reply right away BUT you are unable and don't reply for a little over 24 hours... What are u apologizing for?
(Over 48.. different story. You took twice as long and a small apology can let them know that you actually are interested. I recommend a small apology in this case.)

But if you took only about as long as they did, then by apologizing you are communicating that previously they actually took too long and you expect a reply in a shorter amount of time. You're also implying that you don't feel like you're entitled to take your time over 24 hours.. which means youre not busy.

Again.. it depends on how long were talking about and whether it's longer than you both have been taking...

But if they reply in 24 hours.. and you reply immediately.. then they take another 24 and you take another 24 and apologize... You will exhaust them...

[Fraser_0762]

30! I'm not an old man! I'm a young and elegant 27.

I admit that I do generally talk to girls younger than me. But not for the dubious reasons you may think. But rather because women my own age and older who haven't settled down with kids generally have very good careers and make very good money. They wouldn't be interested in a work-less success-free schlub like me.