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  #811  
Old 08-14-18, 06:53 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

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Originally Posted by Rebelyell View Post
I'm not giving people money for something in not using its not like no ones giving me free money ya know..
Yeah. In my case indicative of how my life has gone to ****. Never intended to not use it but stuck in a contract. Keep hoping every week that things will get better so I can go again
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Old 08-14-18, 10:56 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

Very keyed up n stressed and can't sleep so I took a hot shower n.popped a cloni for anxiety.stupid anxiety gets so bad I feel.like I'm gonna be sick :-(
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Old 08-14-18, 10:57 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

Sorry to hear life has been so tough for you tudor rose .hope it gets better for you
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  #814  
Old 08-15-18, 01:33 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

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Originally Posted by Fuzzy12 View Post
They are quite unfortunately named. More than the label though hopefully now you can get some very specific treatment. What have your doctors suggested?
Iíll be seeing my counselor tomorrow and my psychiatrist on Thursday. We may come up with a plan of action
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  #815  
Old 08-15-18, 02:11 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

Psycho I am late to respond to your post but you know I adore you. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))) ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Old 08-15-18, 08:04 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

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Originally Posted by psychopathetic View Post
Rough night last night. Jumped back on my sleep schedule but was a bit late in getting to bed (30 minutes...no big deal, I'll get strict about it again tonight! lol).
Tossing and turning all night! And I had to go using the bathroom 3 or 4 times. Man I hate that...just as I get really comfy and start to drift deep/restful sleep...I wake up with the urgent need to get up and go. /sigh lol

But it wasn't the sleep...it was the mood and thoughts that were going on befoe that.
I'm certainly of no danger of hurting myself at this time, so I don't share this as a call for help or anything...I'm just sharing to vent.
I had some suicidal thoughts last night.Some pretty real ones. The kind that scare me a little.
And I feel a bit of shame for this...but I think it stems from my mom's death. I feel like I should be over the hard bits of grieving her by now. Like I'm sick and need to be ashamed. Like it's unnatural or something. Gross.
But damn it I miss her still!
The sadness of it hits me fast and hard and the permanence of it all washes over me in such a violent realization. It overwhelms me, and though I don't mean to...I often find myself weeping without tear much too loudly.
I feel ashamed. I know if anyone is near by, they sure herd me.
I feel wounded. And I'm not just mourning her death...I'm mourning my entire life I had with her...and damn guys, I had it pretty damn good.
And though things have stabilized a bit in my life...It's just...I don't know, life sucks without my mom in the background there you know?
I no longer have her to help me keep track of appointments and making important phone calls and turning papers into different places they need for billing and such...Or no longer get her random meals. She'd often just out of the blue give me a call and be all like "we're having homemade tacos tonight, or enchiladas or pizza, or whatever, and I made one/some without vegies specifically for you if you want to head on over"...haha I was spoiled.
No more cookies, cupcakes on other random sweets she'd bake.
No more of her to just vent to. I relied on her...I'd tell her all sorts of random 'bad' things I'd do...just cause I needed to tell someone these things, I'm too honest of a person to hold things in dang it...and she was great at holding secrets like this, and even though she'd sometimes get super upset with me over some of the stupid things I'd do...I knew at the end of the day she'd still love me just the same.
No more.
No more her.
No more mom.
She's been sucked out of my life.
Never to be again.
And my soul is left here broken. And I'm trying damn it. I'm pushing.
But really...I'm just a broken child.

And then she called me a few days ago.
It was early in the morning, just as the morning sky was starting to lighten.
And she said something. But I don't remember what...though I think she was just saying hello to me.
I was just happy to being having a 'check-in' call. We'd call just about everyday to check in. Ask if we have plans, decide if we want to do anything for dinner, let each other know if we have anything coming up (like appointments and what not). Nothing important really...but I enjoyed these calls. I miss them so deeply.
So I asked her where she was. I had sense that she was talking on a cell phone (which she's never owned) traveling somewhere in a truck.
No answer.
Mom? Where are you!?
No answer.
Then a bit of longing and desperation started in...I just wanted to hear her voice again...I just wanted her to answer back.
Where are you mom!?

And then I woke up. The realization that she's dead and so she couldn't answer back to me on the phone...it just.
Gah.


...
I miss my mom guys.
It's been nearly 15 months.
I'm starting to feel shameful and sick/disgusting because I don't think I should be feeling this deeply this far out.
Maybe it's just because I have too much idle time on my hands.
Likely.

Thanks for letting me vent guys.
It's so early on 15 months. I wish I could talk to my Dad just one last time. June made 8 years. I'm still gutted. 15 months only is still so raw. In time you will be able to talk about hwr without crying. That may take a few years. It hurt like hell. I talk to guys at work who still tear up about the mums and dads even 15 years on. You don't get over it but in time you avcept it more.
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  #817  
Old 08-15-18, 08:38 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

Hey Tudor: Whichever thread you mentioned 'empath' in I wrote something I wanted you to take a look at ...
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Old 08-15-18, 10:20 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

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Hey Tudor: Whichever thread you mentioned 'empath' in I wrote something I wanted you to take a look at ...
Will do. Tomorrow gotta go to sleep now. 10.20pm. And past bedtime
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Old 08-15-18, 11:35 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

What’s bothering me about this site, just a little is a lot of threads don’t seem to be getting responses or if they do get a response it’s by just one or two people...
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Old 08-15-18, 01:26 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

We don't have phone reception at our house because of damage to a cell tower during thunderstorms last weekend. I live in the country and went into the city for groceries. While there, I called the psychiatrist's office, needing a reorder on my depression med and asking about an increase in ADHD med. Very frustrating, because I left a message, but she has no way of reaching me. I asked about email, but the office person said they'd have to have a written authorization. Never heard of THAT before! We had a landline, but got rid of it this year. I can still use the PC, but my Mac was set up for wifi connection and it seems to be out also.
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Old 08-15-18, 04:29 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

I'm having a rough time.
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Old 08-15-18, 04:57 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

the small girl starts preschool monday. i'm both excited for her and it's giving me panic attacks. ugh...i just can't win...
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Old 08-15-18, 04:57 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

Sasha I hope you were able to get your meds, and that your reception comes back soon!

Midnight star I’m sorry your having a rough Time...
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Old 08-15-18, 06:16 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

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Whatís bothering me about this site, just a little is a lot of threads donít seem to be getting responses or if they do get a response itís by just one or two people...
Is there a particular thread you were hoping for more responses for? If you could post a link I'll have a look at it (though I might not have anything useful to say..)
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Old 08-15-18, 06:20 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

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the small girl starts preschool monday. i'm both excited for her and it's giving me panic attacks. ugh...i just can't win...

All the best both to you and the small girl!! Hope she'll have a great time and lots of fun!!

Fuzzling moved to a new room yesterday. I was really stressed because she'd settled so well in the last room (and because I don't like that they move them every year. It's not good.) And because she doesn't deal well with change or withnew people. She seems to be doing well so far but today after coming home from nursery she was scratching and biting and pinching, which she's never done before. I know it's normal for toddlers but I hope it's not because she's stressed.
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