ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community  

Go Back   ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community > ADULTS AND ADD/ADHD > Adults with ADD > Men with ADD/ADHD
Register Blogs FAQ Chat Members List Calendar Donate Gallery Arcade Mark Forums Read

Men with ADD/ADHD This forum is for men to discuss issues related to being a man with AD/HD.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 11-09-09, 05:45 PM
mrs A's Avatar
mrs A mrs A is offline
Contributor
 

Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: BC,Canada
Posts: 395
Thanks: 37
Thanked 35 Times in 17 Posts
mrs A will become famous soon enough
Lightbulb Update to "Men and Porn" thread

I have not been on the forum much but have noticed how the thread I started some 2 years ago stirred up alot of responses. I am writing this update because of what I have learned and lived through, may help others.

Over the past 1 1/2 years we (husband and I) have tried to deal with this issue which always seemed to get out of hand. I had agreed to "ignore" his porn watching as long as he viewed it while the kids were not around and it was just movies, nothing else!!

He explained many, many times his views and thoughts of why and what he thinks of it. I tried to believe him. On an agreement we had made, I could look into his laptop at anytime to see what he was viewing, and as time went on I noticed it was not what he was telling me. I could see this was out of control again, beyond movies.

I had done some research on porn/sex addiction, and this was him!! Joined a forum like this one, and found alot of information. This is my husband!!! That having ADHD is very common with this addiction --that it is not recognized as a "true" addiction to many. Just as ADHD is not recognized as a "real" disorder to many.

It took me standing up to him and telling him to leave, before he would even look into what I was talking about. Same as when he would not accept that he has ADHD, after son was diagnosed. After he looked into the forum and some of the links through the site, he did see his problem. He is a porn/sex addict and has to stay away from anything that is a trigger(you guessed it!). He knows the boundaries and what the outcome will be. And so do I.....

The addict is always the last to see when its a problem.

Thanks to those that understood my concerns. Your words kept me thinking clearly, not seeing it as "my" problem.
mrs A
Reply With Quote
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to mrs A For This Useful Post:
BouCoupDinkyDau (12-06-10), crusty (01-10-11), DarkShadow (12-07-10), FrazzleDazzle (12-06-10), LaVieEnRose (12-07-10), metzfanaz (12-06-10), minn306 (12-07-10), zertech (10-05-11)
  #2  
Old 11-09-09, 06:23 PM
Sometimes Sometimes is offline
Member
 

Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Ah Crap....
Posts: 32
Thanks: 0
Thanked 12 Times in 8 Posts
Sometimes is on a distinguished road
Re: Update to "Men and Porn" thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by mrs A View Post
On an agreement we had made, I could look into his laptop at anytime to see what he was viewing, beyond movies.
What does beyond movies entail?
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 11-09-09, 11:40 PM
mrs A's Avatar
mrs A mrs A is offline
Contributor
 

Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: BC,Canada
Posts: 395
Thanks: 37
Thanked 35 Times in 17 Posts
mrs A will become famous soon enough
Re: Update to "Men and Porn" thread

Searching and finding websites where women post or send explicit pictures, sites for contacting these types of women. He would do this with the family sitting in the room with him as well! Out of control, more than just watching a porn now and then. He was looking at something explicit at all times he was on his laptop, while doing work, reading emails anything! I have a web tracking program on his laptop recording every site visited(which he did know about, but with ADHD, probably forgot).
Hope that explains the seriousness of his addiction which, from what I have learned it very typical of this addiction.
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to mrs A For This Useful Post:
BouCoupDinkyDau (12-06-10), crackerbelly (12-06-10)
Sponsored Links
  #4  
Old 11-10-09, 12:08 AM
Yarrgh Yarrgh is offline
Member
 

Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 72
Thanks: 15
Thanked 48 Times in 31 Posts
Yarrgh has a spectacular aura aboutYarrgh has a spectacular aura about
Re: Update to "Men and Porn" thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by mrs A View Post
Searching and finding websites where women post or send explicit pictures, sites for contacting these types of women. He would do this with the family sitting in the room with him as well! Out of control, more than just watching a porn now and then. He was looking at something explicit at all times he was on his laptop, while doing work, reading emails anything! I have a web tracking program on his laptop recording every site visited(which he did know about, but with ADHD, probably forgot).
Hope that explains the seriousness of his addiction which, from what I have learned it very typical of this addiction.
Wow, thats quite the addiction!
I think any involvement with something can become an addiction once it starts to impact daily and social functioning from over involvement/indulgence. So this is definitely a legit addiction, as much as alcoholism in my opinion.

This has stopped now? Thats great you two were able to work it out. It'll probably be a chronic thing though, so you should both keep an eye out for it.
Good luck!
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 11-10-09, 01:05 AM
mrs A's Avatar
mrs A mrs A is offline
Contributor
 

Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: BC,Canada
Posts: 395
Thanks: 37
Thanked 35 Times in 17 Posts
mrs A will become famous soon enough
Re: Update to "Men and Porn" thread

Yes, for now I can say he has stayed away, but I do realize it is always there. The final straw was seeing the amount of time spent on craigslist personals looking for pictures and what that could lead to. He realized then, when I put it in his face, he had a problem much more that just wanting to watch some porn. He was only lying to himself.
I cannot believe how many people I have met on the addiction forum, that have similar stories and also have ADHD. This is why I thought to post this here, it may help someone else.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 11-10-09, 06:22 AM
Sometimes Sometimes is offline
Member
 

Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Ah Crap....
Posts: 32
Thanks: 0
Thanked 12 Times in 8 Posts
Sometimes is on a distinguished road
Re: Update to "Men and Porn" thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by mrs A View Post
sites for contacting these types of women.
Oh dear. Im always the first one to defend porn. But this obviously crosses the line.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Sometimes For This Useful Post:
metzfanaz (12-06-10)
  #7  
Old 11-10-09, 04:43 PM
callmehats callmehats is offline
Member
 

Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 55
Thanks: 5
Thanked 50 Times in 22 Posts
callmehats will become famous soon enough
Re: Update to "Men and Porn" thread

Can porn really be an addiction?
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 11-11-09, 01:27 AM
NinePointThree NinePointThree is offline
Jr Member
 

Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: United States
Posts: 19
Thanks: 4
Thanked 12 Times in 5 Posts
NinePointThree is on a distinguished road
Re: Update to "Men and Porn" thread

I used to look at porn regularly. I noticed that it wasn't so much about getting a quick fix, but it was about constantly getting that stimulation. Once I'd start I'd sometimes go for hours. Just one more pic, you know. I stay away now, and try to only look at bikini shots at most.

It really winds up not being about pleasure. I think it's the stimulation that makes it addictive.
Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to NinePointThree For This Useful Post:
Aramuk (05-23-16), bill_the_cat (11-12-11), db4805 (03-05-11), Lynx777 (09-06-11)
  #9  
Old 11-13-09, 12:51 AM
cloudhidden cloudhidden is offline
Member
 

Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: medford oregon
Posts: 25
Thanks: 0
Thanked 19 Times in 9 Posts
cloudhidden is on a distinguished road
Re: Update to "Men and Porn" thread

Folks with ADHD esp. undx, unmedicated, are always searching for mental stimulation. What could be more stimulating than porn?

I was thinking about why porn is such a powerful thing for guys and I realized that without this monster sex drive we carry around, humankind would have been extinct millions of years ago. It's literally what our survival is built on- the overwhelming desire to pass our genes on, and an instant neurological response, high if you will, to certain visual stimulus. It's natural, it's good, it's 100% hardwired into the male gender (and females too!) and that's all for the best.

Porn though exploits this drive, can turn a strength into a weakness, and unfortunately is way too easily obtained for free in the comfort of your own home. At least in the old days you had to do the walk of shame to buy magazines, go into some sleazy theater etc. And like a bag of kettle cooked potato chips, its just super super hard to control yourself when its right there and there *seems* to be little consequence to the occasional 10 minute dip.

That's for the average guy. Now you heat up the brain in the ADD skillet a little, make porn available, and I would argue that the guy is no longer in control or responsible.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 11-13-09, 02:21 AM
Driver's Avatar
Driver Driver is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 2,958
Thanks: 158
Thanked 1,779 Times in 1,010 Posts
Driver has a reputation beyond reputeDriver has a reputation beyond reputeDriver has a reputation beyond reputeDriver has a reputation beyond reputeDriver has a reputation beyond reputeDriver has a reputation beyond reputeDriver has a reputation beyond reputeDriver has a reputation beyond reputeDriver has a reputation beyond reputeDriver has a reputation beyond reputeDriver has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Update to "Men and Porn" thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by callmehats View Post
Can porn really be an addiction?
Yes. Sexual arousal stimulates high levels of dopamine and is a quite pleasurable experience. And the moments of arousal allow for long periods of distraction from the foibles of life.

Pretty much anything that allows someone to self-medicate, can be addictive.
__________________
I'm on a horse.
Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Driver For This Useful Post:
bill_the_cat (11-12-11), BouCoupDinkyDau (12-06-10), crackerbelly (12-06-10), croweater (09-06-11), metzfanaz (12-06-10)
  #11  
Old 11-13-09, 09:56 AM
Asylum's Avatar
Asylum Asylum is offline
Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,473
Blog Entries: 14
Thanks: 373
Thanked 1,018 Times in 583 Posts
Asylum has much to be proud ofAsylum has much to be proud ofAsylum has much to be proud ofAsylum has much to be proud ofAsylum has much to be proud ofAsylum has much to be proud ofAsylum has much to be proud ofAsylum has much to be proud ofAsylum has much to be proud ofAsylum has much to be proud of
Re: Update to "Men and Porn" thread

I don't like porn. Its so ugly and squishy and blecchh and it puts me off sex altogether. This isn't relevant or anything, i just felt like saying it outloud for once.

What else comes under the banner of 'mental stimulation?'
__________________
"Good job team! Head back to Base for debriefing and cocktails!"
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 11-13-09, 03:53 PM
coololdguy coololdguy is offline
Newbie
 

Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 3
Thanks: 0
Thanked 2 Times in 1 Post
coololdguy is on a distinguished road
Re: Update to "Men and Porn" thread

Mrs A, I want to commend you for taking the stand for your marriage and the health of your husband.

It is not healthy for a relationship to have porn. I believe it compromises the commitment made to each other.

I think it is great for your husband to have admitted his addiction. I got involved with porn in my teens. I was given some by an older guy. Because of my ADD, I was hooked. Back then, there was not much in my small town. But, I struggled with it. I thought that when I got married, it was help with the need. But, after awhile, I began to see it again. It was not to the level of your husband. It was still a compromise in my marriage.

One thing that I learned it is tied to my self esteem. When my self esteem was compromised, I would use porn. It was when I was beating myself up in an exteme way, I used it to excape.

I am on the right track now. I wish you and your husband well.
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to coololdguy For This Useful Post:
mrs A (11-13-09), Piper30 (09-15-11)
  #13  
Old 11-15-09, 06:02 PM
Fima Fima is offline
Member
 

Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Israel
Posts: 83
Thanks: 10
Thanked 16 Times in 11 Posts
Fima will become famous soon enough
Re: Update to "Men and Porn" thread

is porn really addictive?
or its just a shame to watch porn?

I used to be a big fan of zombies,
I spent alot of my free time watching zombie movies, playing zombie games, talking about zombies in forums, writing books about zombies and etc...
do I have a problem?
I don't think anyone would say I do!

but if I change my story little bit, and instead of "zombies" ill write "porn" everyone would say I am addicted...
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 11-15-09, 07:20 PM
Covenant Covenant is offline
ADDvanced Member
 

Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Netherlands
Posts: 123
Thanks: 144
Thanked 88 Times in 51 Posts
Covenant has a spectacular aura aboutCovenant has a spectacular aura about
Re: Update to "Men and Porn" thread

True, and yet zombies do not make your partner/family feel bad. Some/a lot of people (men and women) feel as if they're falling short somehow if their partner resorts to porn (especially when we're talking about large amounts of porn). And zombies generally don't cause such things. (Unless there's anyone here that feels bad about not being a walking dead/undead corpse that's hellbound on consuming ludicrous amounts of BRAAAAAAAINS).

A lot of people feel that when their partner resorts to porn, that something is amiss with them or the relationship. And not only that, as was noted above, there are in fact people here with children, and preferably you don't expose your children to that sort of thing. And if your partner is a sex/porn addict the chances are just bigger that it will happen somehow. Now exposing your children to zombies might not always be good either, but generally it's less possibly damaging than porn. Furthermore some people are just truly uncomfortable with the idea of porn itself (as being generally unfriendly to women for example).
So I agree that zombie addiction and porn addiction might resemble each other in aspects like: time consuming, possibility to annoy partner because so much time is spend on it, and all effects from these and other items, it's just the generally more severe topics like relationship commitment, children, adultery etc. that makes porn addiction worse for most people as compared to a zombie addiction.
Although a very strong zombie addiction could also unhinge your relationship of course
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Covenant For This Useful Post:
BouCoupDinkyDau (12-06-10), crusty (01-10-11)
  #15  
Old 12-06-10, 07:27 PM
BouCoupDinkyDau's Avatar
BouCoupDinkyDau BouCoupDinkyDau is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Zeta II Reticuli
Posts: 2,550
Blog Entries: 1
Thanks: 2,849
Thanked 2,521 Times in 1,267 Posts
BouCoupDinkyDau has a reputation beyond reputeBouCoupDinkyDau has a reputation beyond reputeBouCoupDinkyDau has a reputation beyond reputeBouCoupDinkyDau has a reputation beyond reputeBouCoupDinkyDau has a reputation beyond reputeBouCoupDinkyDau has a reputation beyond reputeBouCoupDinkyDau has a reputation beyond reputeBouCoupDinkyDau has a reputation beyond reputeBouCoupDinkyDau has a reputation beyond reputeBouCoupDinkyDau has a reputation beyond reputeBouCoupDinkyDau has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Update to "Men and Porn" thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fima View Post
do I have a problem?
I don't think anyone would say I do!

but if I change my story little bit, and instead of "zombies" ill write "porn" everyone would say I am addicted...
Uh, zombies ain't real. Porn is. Sexual addiction is real as well. Just as real as overeating, doing drugs, being an alcoholic, or spending your entire life playing World of Warcraft.

When you're doing something you cannot stop, it is an addition, and most addictions have a ripple effect--they hurt more people than just the abuser.
__________________
I've fought a war for forty years. A war with no battles, no monuments...only casualties.
BP II & ADHD-PI; 300mg Lamictal; 40mg Ritalin BID PRN (effectiveness poor; assessing new meds).
Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to BouCoupDinkyDau For This Useful Post:
Blueranne (05-26-11), Daniel1970 (Today), metzfanaz (12-06-10), zertech (10-05-11)
Reply

Bookmarks


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 05:18 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
(c) 2003 - 2015 ADD Forums