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Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships.

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  #1  
Old 07-02-04, 04:26 PM
niceguy76 niceguy76 is offline
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Adults with ADD - lost feelings

I feel like non add females don't understand me. I often times have a hard time expressing feelings to them when around other people. I am very sensitive and when a girl says they are busy my mind immediately has a deep feeling of rejection even when a girl is really not rejecting me at all. I am very passionate, caring, and a very good looking guy but somehow have a hard time feeling a connection with another female. I have a hard time picking up on signs of interest that girls show me and by the time I figure it out, she has found somebody else. I also have a hard time since there seems to be a distance feeling and lost feeling I have that carries over with girls. I feel a sense of separation from what is going on. I am a very intimate guy but have a hard time expressing it with girls since I have that feeling of separation. I often never no what is going on until too late with girls who are interested in me.
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Old 07-02-04, 06:33 PM
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I've heard this so many times that ADDers are sometimes oblivious to social cues. There is not one magical solution that is going to draw the opposite sex in for a meaningful realtionship. It's understandable that you've grown to be awkward after years of feeling like the social outcast. Take comfort in knowing that the right one is out there and she's not going to just walk away because you have no clue that she's interested. I'd hope she'd have enough gumption to come up and say, "let's go out." The thing that you may want to consider is your female friends...love and intimacy could be right under your nose.

This is your daily post from Dear Andi...
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Old 07-02-04, 07:03 PM
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The whole "missed social cues" thing resonates with me quite well. There are many instances when someone will be trying to communicate with me non-verbally...and I just don't get it. Signals crossed or missed entirely.

I concur with Andi...you just never know where or when that chemistry will "click". Put yourself in public places...don't hide. Be true to yourself, and the people who you meet and that know you (your friends). They will see you for who you really are...the rest will fall into place
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Old 07-03-04, 07:21 AM
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Also be aware there are some eligible and remarkable ADD women right here at the forums... (hey, if I'm not free to pursue them, at least I can try and arrange for them to BE pursued... )
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Old 07-03-04, 11:35 AM
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Talking

Remember it's not just you...many women come with bagage. (for lack of a better term)

I did and still do miss verbal lanaguage...if a women is really interesed she'll let you know so you have no doubt.
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Old 07-03-04, 12:45 PM
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Hrmm...a Singles/Dating section of the forums......
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Old 07-03-04, 12:52 PM
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I know what you mean about missing things, it is not just a guy thing, though I am married myself - it is a constant flustration in my communications with my husband some days that things just don't click with me when he is not being verbally direct!
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Old 07-03-04, 01:23 PM
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it's not just a guy ADDer thing......Us ADD women(speaking for myself) have those some kinds of feeling also.

I've a story to share that might make you not feel alone with this......
In High school I was painfully shy and withdrawn. I wasn't asked out on dates. Boys just didn't pay any attention to me, I felt I was too ugly and stupid.....

I have an Uncle who is 3 months older than me and we went to school togther. My Uncle and his friends sometime come to my house to hang around with me...One day my Uncle told me why his freinds like to come to my house and hang out specially at night during the summer when they knew I'd be home from work soon. When I got out of work the first thing I did was take a swim in our pool.....This girl who felt fat, ugly and stupid wore a red two piece and no matter how much she covered up the guys NOTICED it... I didn't believe him. Not me I'm fat,ugly and stupid and besides they never paid any attention to me....

Over the years I've run into guys I knew and they would say how they flirted with me and such. I didn't pick it up so they thought I wasn't interested.

Some times I think because I've been married for 16 years and we've been together for almost 21 years now no one pays attention to this wife mother and of 2 who is unteresting and fat. I still don't always get it if guys flirt with me or act interested in me ....

This post isn't very encouraging.... it shows nothing has changed !!! But that's just me

Wish I could help..........as you can see I need some too......

me in high school........Oh ya I was ugly....
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Old 07-05-04, 12:28 PM
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I feel the exact same way as niceguy, it is very frustrating. I alway miss social cues and it also feel lately like I have no connection to anyone. I am not sure what to do anymore.
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Old 07-05-04, 12:35 PM
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As many of you know, ADDers often suffer from low self esteem. I also believe that, perhaps as a result of that, some ADDers may also suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder.

A Recent Abstract on Social Anxiety Disorder:
Journal of Clinical Psychiatry 2001;62 Suppl 12:24-9
Comorbidity, Neurobiology, and Pharmacotherapy of Social Anxiety Disorder.

Pollack MH, Department of Psychiatry, Harvard Medical School, Massachusetts General Hospital, Boston 02114

Social anxiety disorder is a common psychiatric illness that imposes persistent functional impairment and disability on persons who have the disorder. The disorder is characterized by a marked and persistent fear of social or performance situations in which embarrassment may occur. It is the most prevalent of any anxiety disorders and is the third most common psychiatric disorder after depression and alcohol abuse. Social anxiety disorder typically begins during childhood with a mean age at onset between 14 and 16 years and is sometimes preceded by a history of social inhibition or shyness. Persons who have social anxiety disorder either endure or avoid social situations altogether because the fear of embarrassment causes such intense anxiety; such avoidance may ultimately interfere with occupational and/or social functioning and lead to significant disability. The duration of social anxiety disorder is frequently lifelong, and there is a high degree of comorbidity with other psychiatric disorders. Social anxiety disorder is a serious illness that frequently runs a chronic course and is associated with significant morbidity. Patients should be treated aggressively using pharmacotherapeutic agents that can be tolerated over the long term. Cognitive-behavioral therapy should also be considered in treatment planning. Efforts to increase the recognition of social anxiety disorder as a common, distressing, and disabling condition are critical. This article discusses the comorbidity, neurobiology, and pharmacotherapy of social anxiety disorder.

Symptoms of Social Anxiety Disorder:
Social Anxiety Disorder is a persistent fear of one or more situations in which the person is exposed to possible scrutiny by others and fears that he or she may do something or act in a way that will be humiliating or embarrassing. It exceeds normal "shyness" when it leads to excessive social avoidance and substantial social or occupational impairment. Feared activities may include most any type of social interaction, especially small groups, dating, parties, talking to strangers, restaurants, etc. Physical symptoms include "mind going blank", fast heartbeat, blushing, stomach ache. Cognitive distortions are a hallmark, and learned about in CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). Thoughts are often self-defeating and inaccurate.

There are lots of sources of information available. If this is something that's of interest to discuss here, I'll pull together more information.
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Old 07-05-04, 01:59 PM
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heh, I'd say I suffer from low-self esteem but people don't think that as I try to compensate by *acting* big-headed. I say/do things while deep down I don't believe a word of it. One of the things I hear guys say the most is how women aren't verbal enough and you have to look at their body-language. I try do this but it just doesn't seem natural and most of the time I mis-read their body-language, which brings my self-esteem even further down. It's not only girls I feel this way about.

Lately I've been feeling lost with people I used to consider friends. My family says that I do have friends, but it's hard to feel that way when I'm always the one having to reach out to them. I'm tired of people talking behind my back and most of the time I do feel screwed over by people. My only sense of relief is the hope that I will find people I can connect to which is why I'm looking so forward to college next year. New people and new possibil

Oh, and BIG. I wouldn't mind talking more about S.A.D. (an appropriate acronym, if ever there were one) I found this link to be helpful to me, so maybe other people will too: http://www.aafp.org/afp/991115ap/2311.html
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Old 07-06-04, 05:04 PM
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I am in the not getting group also. I had many opportunities and blew most all of them. I agree it is the self esteem and the just not picking up on the hints.
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Old 07-06-04, 06:15 PM
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fasttalking
have had lots of girlfriends like that used to drive me crazy!!!
bright beautiful and kept telling me they weren't!!
finally found my wife who does not feel fat, and is nice and chubby size 12/14!!!!
i like to cook and so they would always gain wieght and then go nuts

she does not have a problem with being chubby, and i am so glad!!!
she puts up with me and neither of us can figure out what we did to get such a nice relationship and each other.
we were just luck

niceguy
the only advice i can give is do not look like you are looking or desparate
and do what you enjoy in life, and hopefully you will find someone in the process.

that way better people are attracted to you as opposed to people who like someone desparate or with low esteme or some such thing, so they can take advantage of it.
and
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Old 07-06-04, 07:51 PM
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I have to admit that trying to date an non ADDer is tough. I get told so often that I don't seem to know when they are sarcastic, angry,and such. I'm very poor at reading non verbal cues. I do have empethy but anger, tired, and depressed feel so similar to me. And non ADDers don't understand my bluntness and openes.
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Old 07-06-04, 09:31 PM
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I will have to say that I have given up on dating it seems every time I have been in a relationship it has failed do to my curse and the only thing good that ever came out of them was my son who has never met his mother and now it looks like my son who is eight now has ADHD. I am now 33 will be 34 tomorrow and dont ever see another relationship in my future. I dont feel like I can give a women the time she needs to make one work
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