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Old 04-07-18, 04:32 PM
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Online Dating PSA

Introduction

Yesterday I decided to sign up to a dating site and see what's out there a bit. With the number of people who seem confused about how to do online dating, I decided to put a few tips and pointers as well as some real-life examples in a post and explain how I feel about them. These are some of the messages I have received on a dating site over the past couple of days where people have at least tried something better than "hey" or "nice" or "ur sexy" or the like. I'm far from an expert at communication or dating and these tips are of course colored by my own preferences. That said, I know a lot of people put effort into their messages and feel discouraged when it doesn't lead anywhere, so perhaps this will help someone out there.

I have left out the genders where not mentioned in messages themselves because I date all genders and it's not relevant who sent it. I have also replaced some details for anonymity, like my city with "city" for example. This post is also going to be huge, so to make it a bit more ADHD friendly I decided to break it up into sections you can display and hide so you can read the parts you're interested in, if any. Enjoy!




Sample Messages

I hope none of you on this site have sent me any of these messages and end up embarrassed. If so I'm sorry, but your sacrifice will serve a greater purpose!

Example 1 - Nonspecific question




Example 2 - Yes/no question




Example 3 - I'm kinda nearby, want to meet up sometime?




Example 4 - I've been to an awesome place!




Example 5 - I'm honest, I swear!




Example 6 - You look nice!







Starting Conversations

So as to not just mostly point out what people did wrong, here are some examples of scenarios and first messages that may or may not be more successful. They are totally made up, but I'll try to make them realistic ones that can be generalized to cover a lot of common situations. The one about hiking could be any hobby and the one about dog training could be any profession, really.

Example 1
The person you want to talk to mentions on their profile that they're a dog trainer and you love this about them, because you love dogs and really want to talk about them.




Example 2
The person is from your area and into hiking, there's not much else on their profile but you (genuinely) want to get into hiking.




Example 3
The person has written very little to nothing on their page and nothing except their picture catches your eye. In this case I tend to just not contact them, because if they can't put in the little effort it takes to write a profile, they probably aren't my type. That said, here's one thing you could do.






Summary

In short, if you just find someone physically attractive but can't find anything that genuinely makes you go woah, this person is totally awesome! I gotta ask about this thing they do!! then it's probably better to save your energy for when that does happen. People will pick up on it if you're just kind of typing something out or forcing a question about something you don't really care all that much about. Avoiding situations like that will keep your self-esteem healthy and you won't be wasting time with people with whom nothing will develop anyway.

After the initial messages it sometimes happens that one person will try to force a conversation and that just ends up awkward for everyone involved. Once you've started chatting it might feel impolite to no longer respond when they ask questions and things kind of limp along a bit and dies slowly and someone ends up feeling rejected and sad. Avoid causing this by, again, only contacting people you are truly intrigued by. If other people do it to you, don't feel bad about cutting it short by not replying to pointless questions, it will end with that sooner or later.

If the conversation dies out, let it rest in peace and move on. Remember that it takes two to tango. If the other person isn't helping the conversation along by showing interest in you back by asking you questions or helping the conversation flow, then the problem is with them and not you. Also, your success in dating isn't a reflection of your value as a person, but rather how well you happen to vibe with the people who happen to be on that dating site at the moment. You only need one single success over your time there, keep things in perspective to avoid any unnecessary frustration!

Good luck out there!

Last edited by OyVeyKitty; 04-07-18 at 04:43 PM..
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  #2  
Old 04-13-18, 12:23 PM
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Re: Online Dating PSA

This is a great idea. Thanks.

It's nice to see that at least someone would like to go straight to meeting over too much idle chit chat online. I'm just not good at online banter and feel more comfortable just meeting with someone.

Do you mind me asking why people seemed to like your profile so much?

Also, I'm about to retire so I don't know what I should say my occupation is. I don't want to say I'm retired cause it might make me look rich (which I'm not really, just enough to live ok) or lazy since I'm not really at normal retirement age. Anyone with a suggestion on this?
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  #3  
Old 04-13-18, 02:48 PM
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Re: Online Dating PSA

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Originally Posted by acdc01 View Post
It's nice to see that at least someone would like to go straight to meeting over too much idle chit chat online. I'm just not good at online banter and feel more comfortable just meeting with someone.
Yeah, I agree! I feel like a lot of people would but they're scared to ask for it. I think men are afraid women will see it as them wanting to jump straight into bed and women asking out women are afraid they'll seem too forward and desperate.

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Originally Posted by acdc01 View Post
Do you mind me asking why people seemed to like your profile so much?
I don't know if people like it more than average? It's kind of difficult for me to tell, since I've only ever had my own profiles. I do try to make them entertaining to read while also being informative and having a few easy things for people to start a conversation from, but it's pretty standard I would say.

Quote:
Originally Posted by acdc01 View Post
Also, I'm about to retire so I don't know what I should say my occupation is. I don't want to say I'm retired cause it might make me look rich (which I'm not really, just enough to live ok) or lazy since I'm not really at normal retirement age. Anyone with a suggestion on this?
Could you just leave it out? Also, this is going to sound really counter-intuitive, but personally I think it's super important not to worry too much about how you're perceived by others on dating sites. People are drawn to people who are unapologetically themselves because it shows confidence and at the same time you filter out anyone who you aren't going to be a good match with.

Someone who will judge you, thinking you're lazy for retiring early and passing on you because of that reason alone is probably not someone mature enough to have a relationship with. People who try to date you because they expect you to be rich and that's their only reason for being attracted to you will show their true colors very quickly. Just my two cents when it comes to this.
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Old 04-13-18, 03:43 PM
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Re: Online Dating PSA

Quote:
Originally Posted by acdc01 View Post
Also, I'm about to retire so I don't know what I should say my occupation is. I don't want to say I'm retired cause it might make me look rich (which I'm not really, just enough to live ok) or lazy since I'm not really at normal retirement age. Anyone with a suggestion on this?
In my vast experience with online dating, I found that if you have to over explain an aspect of your life that much to a person, it probably won't work out anyway. I know it's hard not to try to dress your resume up a bit when it comes to online profiles, but if your goal is truly to meet someone who was right for you, just tell it how it is. The people that reach out to you or respond to your messages will be much more likely to be the kind of people that will work out for you.
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Old 04-13-18, 11:23 PM
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Re: Online Dating PSA

Thanks Funky1 and OyVeyKitty. I guess I will just be honest.

Now that you mention it, I think you are absolutely right about those who will think I'm lazy OyVeyKitty.

It's actually the potential golddiggers I'm afraid of most. I'm dependent on my assets since I will live off them so if I end up with a golddigger that knows how to swindle me, well I'll be screwed.

Oh well, I guess there is risk in love. Hopefully I'll be able to spot them quick though I do tend to give people the benefit of the doubt too often.
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Old 04-13-18, 11:30 PM
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Re: Online Dating PSA

Holy ****! That's cool!!
How'd you do the show/hide thingamajig?
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Old 04-13-18, 11:48 PM
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Re: Online Dating PSA

you're fantastic! xx
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Old 04-14-18, 03:14 AM
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Re: Online Dating PSA

Quote:
Originally Posted by psychopathetic View Post
Holy ****! That's cool!!
How'd you do the show/hide thingamajig?
It involved an ancient Mayan sacrificial rite from an old, long-forgotten tome. Unspeakable acts were committed for the greater good of the ADDF community. However, in hindsight I think it might also be possible to do it using HTML and JavaScript with something like this:

Quote:
<input onclick="var e = document.getElementById('hiddenbox1'); e.style.display = (e.style.display == 'block') ? 'none' : 'block';" value="Show / Hide" type="button">
<div id="hiddenbox1" style="display: none; background-color: #00000011; padding: 20px;">
[HIDEABLE TEXT GOES HERE]
</div>
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Old 04-14-18, 04:27 AM
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Re: Online Dating PSA

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Originally Posted by acdc01 View Post
It's actually the potential golddiggers I'm afraid of most. I'm dependent on my assets since I will live off them so if I end up with a golddigger that knows how to swindle me, well I'll be screwed.
Well, I mean, I guess they will figure out you're not going to be their goldmine the moment you won't pay for the entire date. If they even hint at you paying for the entire thing, run for the hills! If you're worried about scammers or people who aren't just expecting you to be a goldmine or sugar mama, but are looking to get access to your money, then that's much more difficult to spot. I think risks of that happening are pretty slim, but of course if it did happen it would be devastating so it's definitely worth taking into consideration.

Perhaps make it a rule (that you keep to yourself) not to spend more than X amount of money on and with your dates for the first year or so? Don't lend them more than you can easily afford to, no matter what. Not even if they have an illness or whatever. They shouldn't expect you to talk about the finer details of your finances until you know each other really well anyway and until then you can just say you can't afford whatever that you really can't afford and leave it at that. If they start insisting you tell them why or how you can't afford it or worse; that you pay up, then that's a huge red flag!!

Keep your finances separate until you get married or have lived together for an extended period of time (a year at least). If and when you're getting married, get a prenup done to ensure you keep your assets in the event of divorce. I know that's the least romantic thing in the entire world, but it's extremely important and it will keep financial pressure off the marriage, which is good for both of you.
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Old 04-14-18, 11:10 AM
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Re: Online Dating PSA

Thanks oveykitty's. maybe I am worried for nothing. My sisters been worried about loop holes in prenuptial recently. Plus, I know someone who did online date a golddigger (course she was half his age and out of his league in the looks dept so was obvious from the start).

Think these things just scared me. Odds really are slim.

I'll try being honest and seeing what happens. I'll definitely be getting a prenuptial if I get married so probably not an issue.
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Old 04-14-18, 01:21 PM
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Re: Online Dating PSA

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Thanks oveykitty's. maybe I am worried for nothing. My sisters been worried about loop holes in prenuptial recently.
I think it's probably best to have lawyer look over the prenuptial to make sure there aren't any loopholes?

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Plus, I know someone who did online date a golddigger (course she was half his age and out of his league in the looks dept so was obvious from the start).
Yeah, it's usually pretty obvious when someone's being a gold digger. From what I can tell it mostly affects men because they are (sadly and wrongfully) often taught that they should pay for dates and that their money is their worth in a relationship, as we have seen reiterated on this site numerous times. Some predatory women will abuse this and go for vulnerable men. I have seen it happen between gay men as well, but can't say I ever recall a woman being targeted in this way (by men or women.) That doesn't mean it can't or doesn't ever happen, but chances are incredibly slim, I would think.
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Old 04-21-18, 01:26 PM
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Re: Online Dating PSA

Some good pointers, but I already do try to ask leading questions based on specific information in profiles. Of course the person still has to be interested.
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Old 05-11-18, 10:18 PM
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Re: Online Dating PSA

I find the opposite on the gay side. If i inquire about a listed interest they get defensive quickly. Or don't believe your interested in extreme ukulele playing. Almost no approach works lately. A simple hey and your ignored, more complex and your "trying to hard". And my experience online has been mostly a place for men to hookup. If your not interest in NSA sex they won't bother. I literally get hookup offers weekly. Sometimes in the middle of the day. Like you just woke up at noon and logged in to find a quickie on Thursday. I really have had a terrible time online. I understand why women bash on men all the time. The behavior is ridiculous. My favorite was a guy begging for sex. I told him maybe after he got to know me. He literally asked how long that would take haha. Like i had a check sheet. So if you hang with me for 22 hours we can go at, i need a dinner bought for me too. I have just about given up.
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Old 05-12-18, 04:09 AM
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Re: Online Dating PSA

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Originally Posted by DUBL07 View Post
I find the opposite on the gay side. If i inquire about a listed interest they get defensive quickly. Or don't believe your interested in extreme ukulele playing. Almost no approach works lately. A simple hey and your ignored, more complex and your "trying to hard". And my experience online has been mostly a place for men to hookup. If your not interest in NSA sex they won't bother. I literally get hookup offers weekly. Sometimes in the middle of the day. Like you just woke up at noon and logged in to find a quickie on Thursday. I really have had a terrible time online. I understand why women bash on men all the time. The behavior is ridiculous. My favorite was a guy begging for sex. I told him maybe after he got to know me. He literally asked how long that would take haha. Like i had a check sheet. So if you hang with me for 22 hours we can go at, i need a dinner bought for me too. I have just about given up.
I have heard so many bad experience stories from male gay/bi friends and it makes me really sad that you guys have to deal with this when trying to date. I guess maybe it's a combination of internalized homophobia and fear (relationships are much scarier than NSA sex and gay men take the brunt of all violent homophobia) and the fact that people who just have hookups won't disappear off the dating sites and apps because they won't ever go off the market, so to speak? That would then lead to people who want a genuine relationship giving up because the apps have such a high ratio of men looking for hookups instead of something more, causing a snowball effect.

So yeah, I totally understand that the gay dating world is wholly different, but I'm not at all qualified to give advice there. Well, except as a woman dating women, but we have opposite problems with our U-Hauling and over-attachment issues.

P.S. Extreme ukulele playing? I'm intrigued!
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Old 05-12-18, 05:16 PM
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Re: Online Dating PSA

Quote:
Originally Posted by OyVeyKitty View Post
I have heard so many bad experience stories from male gay/bi friends and it makes me really sad that you guys have to deal with this when trying to date. I guess maybe it's a combination of internalized homophobia and fear (relationships are much scarier than NSA sex and gay men take the brunt of all violent homophobia) and the fact that people who just have hookups won't disappear off the dating sites and apps because they won't ever go off the market, so to speak? That would then lead to people who want a genuine relationship giving up because the apps have such a high ratio of men looking for hookups instead of something more, causing a snowball effect.

So yeah, I totally understand that the gay dating world is wholly different, but I'm not at all qualified to give advice there. Well, except as a woman dating women, but we have opposite problems with our U-Hauling and over-attachment issues.

P.S. Extreme ukulele playing? I'm intrigued!
Lol i was just tossing something out there. But i have seen some weird stuff on guys "dating" profiles. Saw one that was really really into anime. Posted that if you didn't know who blah blah blah was then i won't talk to you. I think it is about homophobia in some sense. I meet a lot of "bi" guys online. They aren't gay and refuse to acknowledge being sexual with another man is even remotely gay. But also i think it's laziness. With courting a women there are expectations. Not many will just rush to sex. On the gay said it's more like "your horny i'm horny so let's go". No standard has been established i suppose. I meet a lot that are in open relationships too. That one boggles my mind. If i had someone and they came to me asking if they could ***** someone else. Yeah your gonna need to pack your bags. I feel like if i'm not sexually satisfying to you then move on. You should come to me first with concerns on things in the bedroom you want improvement on. Don't just go open relationship so you can have your cake and eat it too. So i meet tons and tons of men who just want something on the "side". I feel degraded in that situation. I don't want to be a dirty secret you **** around with. I have even had the used car analogy after refusing to give a guy sex after three minutes of chatting. He told me you don't buy a used car without a test drive. hahaha yeah, i feel the gay side is a waste land unfortunately. I have been online for maybe 6-7 years now. At one point i had 6 or so apps, down to 2 or 3 now i think. And i will give up on those soon enough. Oh and all these wonderful potential ***** buddies are "clean". Never have been tested for anything but they are clean. And they refuse to use condoms for a variety of reasons. Most don't like them for comfort reasons, others it's a "can't get ya pregnant" thing. It's been really funny being online. My friend wants me to write a book haha. There is literally no situation that hasn't come up. I could type an entire thread on this subject.
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