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Old 08-14-18, 04:01 AM
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Why canít I keep my ******* mouth shut?

So I told the crisis team about how I was feeling suspicious of my psychiatrist even though I know itís very unlikely that heís plotting anything. Now he knows that Iím having these thoughts and my brainís like ďbut what if heís actually crazy, yoĒ and now Iím really mad at myself for mentioning anything.

I feel torn. I know heís just a garden variety weirdo like most psychiatrists (letís be honest here - theyíre all weird). But I think itís unsettling that heís expressed some very strange ideas about mental illness and talks about his patients as ďinteresting peopleĒ, like a hobby or something. That and his shelves are filled with books by some pretty dodgy ******* people (who may or may not have anti-psychiatry roots). That and heís very flippant about meds, which is alarming considering heís essentially the gatekeeper of that ****. And now he knows that I know that he knows **** I donít know. Or maybe I donít know and maybe indirectly telling him was the best decision while Iím lucid enough to have insight. Or maybe I just willingly jumped into a shark tank with a gaping wound. Either way, Iím super duper ******, I should have kept my mouth shut and I canít face them again. ****.
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Old 08-14-18, 05:32 AM
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Re: Why canít I keep my ******* mouth shut?

I'm sorry can you give more context? Like what happened to make you think this about your doctor, the books and all that? And what made you tell another treatment person about it?
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Old 08-14-18, 12:31 PM
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Re: Why canít I keep my ******* mouth shut?

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
I'm sorry can you give more context? Like what happened to make you think this about your doctor, the books and all that? And what made you tell another treatment person about it?
Gosh it was so dumb in retrospect. Heís made comments about my psychological and cognitive issues in this vague, almost spiritualistic way. He seems very fond of folks like RD Laing, who rejected the biological model of mental illness (even for stuff like Schizophrenia). My shrink also likes to point out (repeatedly) that heís reluctant to pathologise me and that heís concerned about me being labelled. He also said that heís concerned about me calling the crisis team because he thinks itís bad for me to speak to strangers when Iím in a crisis. He also said that I can chat to him specifically during a crisis.

Itís fair enough that he would offer that, but the crisis number has been very helpful for me and I canít postpone a crisis until the next day. Thatís stupid. That and they already have a duty CPN at clinic to take calls from distressed outpatients so why should I call a presumably busy, overworked psychiatrist (who is a senior member of staff) to have a chat? Is he bored? Lonely? Procrastinating?

On one of the previous sessions I had, I was explaining some new symptoms and how I wasnít sleeping much, was feeling quite wound up, hypersexual and that my mind chatter was keeping me up at night. He didnít think it was an issue, saying ďthatís probably just what your subconscious sounds likeĒ. Then I mentioned how I was feeling particularly creative and how my creativity was flowing all buttery smooth and he was all like ďoh, have you ever looked at Freudís paintings? Doesnít it look kinda like butter?Ē And I guess the conversation hit side tracked and we were talking about writing and creativity. The tone of the session in retrospect seemed a bit too casual imo. In my last appointment, I was crying and talking about feeling suicidal and he didnít really ask me any questions about it - just reassuring me that my feelings are ďnormalĒ and donít mean I will actually harm myself. True, but it doesnít address the problem. And I donít particularly care if my feelings are normal or socially acceptable- Iím just tired of living this way. Heís also said that he doesnít think Iím someone that necessarily needs to be on SSRIís, and yet allows me to keep taking a very high dose.l without any discussion on eventually getting off them or remission being a long term goal. No word on that. Just platitudes and saying how ďinterestingĒ I am.

Itís not like heís my therapist or CPN. I only see him occasionally because of the meds Iím on. I donít have a CPN and I ended up having to go private for CBT so heís the only one I actually see at the clinic. Iím not currently being assessed for a new diagnosis and he hasnít mentioned changing my meds. It just seems very weird to me, like heís trying to shepherd me away from a third party perspective.

Thing is, I am sometimes prone to suspicious thinking and paranoia (probably because of anxiety) and by all accounts, my psychiatrist has a pretty good reputation. He seems to be highly regarded by his colleagues and other patients (Iíve heard his colleagues describe him as ďpopular with patientsĒ). Given his level of experience in his field and the fact that people trust him, itís doubtful that heís up to something. Deferring to Occamís Razor, the most plausible explanation is that heís an eccentric (but very benign) weirdo who is otherwise very professional and Iím just paranoid.

Given all of that, I told the crisis team because these paranoid thoughts and feelings are getting worse and arenít just revolving around him. If Iím truly paranoid, they need to know before it escalates. If my psychiatrist is up to something or is also losing his mind, I reckon itís best to express those thoughts and feelings with an impartial third (or fourth or fifth or sixth) party so that my words are not being filtered through one person.

If Iím wrong, Iím scared that I would have messed up our therapeutic relationship and maybe even stress him out/ feel like Iím keeping score. If Iím right, I think I maybe need to leave the country.
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Old 08-14-18, 11:02 PM
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Re: Why canít I keep my ******* mouth shut?

Way our brain is wired..ya got that right garden variety weirdos..
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Old 08-18-18, 04:47 PM
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Re: Why canít I keep my ******* mouth shut?

I spoke with my therapist about how Iíve been feeling and I also spoke with the day staff at the clinic. I wasnít able to speak directly with my psychiatrist at that point as he wasnít in but nobody at the clinic (including my shrink) seemed to think that anything I had said was wrong or anything that could have negative consequences for the staff. I suppose I felt compelled to call them about it because during the week there was a news story about about someone who had been hit by a train nearby and I just spiralled into a panic that somehow I had made my weirdo shrink kill himself because maybe my stupid paranoid thoughts got him fired or something.

I like to think of myself as fairly logical most of the time, but lately I just get these bizarre ideas that seem so real and irrefutable, which leads me to panic or feel like I canít trust anyone. Speaking with my therapist, it seems like Iím experiencing intrusive thoughts. I donít think Iím psychotic or anything like that. I have been a lot more emotional lately and that has led to me having more and more extreme thoughts, ideas, physical sensations, etc. That sucks but maybe itís a sign that Iím actually properly coming out of depression as Iím no longer apathetic and instead am feeling all the feels.

Anyway, I hope I wasnít being too weird or frustrating here.
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Old 08-18-18, 06:23 PM
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Re: Why canít I keep my ******* mouth shut?

Ill be damned if i keep my mouth shut anymore
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