Dos and Don't with an AD/HDer

[browneyes_326]

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this!!!
I'm sending this to all I know ... Thank you

[lychweake]

Originally Posted by RedHairedWitch

I flipped through a few pages and didn't find a thread like this, so I hope I'm not re-hashing anything, or maybe if I am thats a good thing? lol
I wasn't sure if I should put this in the Support section but I will allow the moderators to worry about that.
Anyways...

What are some DOs and DO NOTs you would reconmend to friends, family loved ones etc who are NT when dealing with a AD/HDer? I know everyone is different, but even if its just to rant a little...


* Do not drop by unexpectedly, please phone first or better yet, give me 24 hours notice. I panic when I see a car pull up in my driveway and I realise the kitchen is a mess and its 3pm and I'm still in my PJs

* Do not bring a friend, especialy a stranger, unexpectly when you are visiting (see above) AD/HDers often suffer from some form of social anxiety an such and this will put that anxiety through the roof.

* Unless you live with me, please refrain from commenting on my messy house.

* Please try to patient if I ask you the same question 3 times (oh, and sorry about that)

* Please don't ask me "Well where did you last see ____?" If I knew that, I wouldn't be tearing my house apart looking for it!

* Please do not tell people about my AD/HD or hint that I have a disorder or mental illness etc, thats my personal information to give to whom I choose, you do not have that right.

* AD/HD may not be "real" to you, but it is to me, so either give me the benifit of the doubt or keep your opinion to yourself.

* I am not stupid or slow, please do not treat me as such.

* Understand that my memory works differently than yours. There may be times where you can't believe I forgot (or remembered) something, well thats a two way street!

* AD/HD does not mean I am not capable of being sucessful in life, work school etc. But please do understand that I work twice as hard as you do for the same results. That deserves respect does it not?

* AD/HD often goes hand in hand with other problems, such as learning disabilities. Also AD/HD comes in varying degrees and types. Not all AD/HDers are created equal, so if you know one AD/HDer do not assume we are all just like that person.

* Unless you are my signifigant other, or I am a child and you're my parent, or your are an concerned employer, please do not comment on my wrinkled blouse or messy hair.

* Unless you live with me, please do not offer to help me clean my house, or organize my cupboards or fix my life for me. Thanks

HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS ABOUT ME?!?!? ....ARE YOU SPYING ON ME???? HUH ?? HUH?? YOU BETTER STOP OR IM CALLING THE AUTHORITIES ON YOU!!!!

[meadd823]

How about please do not ask me a question unless you really want an honest answer


Check all stupid assumptions at the door


My home does not resemble a petting zoo because I am irresponsible, I have taken in those creatures others have thrown away, abused or neglected.



Oh and if pet hair on your clothing is a problem by all means stay off the furniture!!

[RedHairedWitch]

If I blurt out something stupid/hurtful/weird/etc, give me a moment to realise it and possibly apologize or re-articluate before you jump down my throat.

"I hate your ADD!" It hurts to hear you say this, so please do not, even if I say I hate my AD/HD, its mine to hate.

My AD/HD is a part of me, a part of who I am. But it is not all that I am, there's way more to me. Do not assume everything I do or say is directly related to my AD/HD, while it may affect it, it may not be everything. Maybe I am also reacting due to childhood truama, a co-morbid, stress etc etc

I don't finish plenty of things I find interesting and exciting too.

I have been hearing things like "Good girls sit still" and "Nice boys don't intterupt" since before I could spell my own name (age 3 - 4). Don't be suprised if I am a little "oversensitive" to your critisism.

Laugh in my face about something AD/HD I do or say, and my ODD may rear its ugly head and punch you in yours. (yes, I did just freaking say that!)

All the anger, resentment, fustration, irritation, etc that you feel about my AD/HD is but a tip of the iceburg compared to what I feel. (a grain of sand in the dessert, a drop of water in the ocean...)

Don't get mad at me if you give your power away and get lost in your relationship with me. Stand up for yourself, most AD/HDers need a firm partner/parent/friend with a bit of steel in their spine.

I am more "lost" than you are.

Please do not speak to me like I am idiot child. Talking slowly and opening your eyes real wide and asking "do you understand?" after every sentence is insulting, disrespectful and will only **** me off.

I really do not mean to intterupt you, I'm just afraid that by the time its my turn to speak I will have forgotten what I was going to say.

I have had "one of those days" everyday of my life without much relief, and you wonder why I am not the most pleasant person in the world??!!

I really do not mean to ignore you.

I will never be "normal" deal with it, or go away.

You have no idea how fustrating it is to have a genuis IQ and not be able to use it effectively.

[ADHDTigger]

RHW, I love you in so very many ways. This post came at just the time I needed to laugh instead of cry. May everything around you bless you!

Here's another couple for the list...

I really CAN go from 0 to B*TCH in less than three seconds. Unless you want to go there, don't test me.

I don't COME with instructions. Good luck!

Your bad day is not grounds for MY bad day. You keep your crap, I'll keep mine.

I'm reality based. When what you say and what you do are two different things... guess what I will consider first.

If the pills were freaking magic, I could take one right now and you would approximate human. Right?


Not my best day. Sorry.

[qhcowgirl]

Originally Posted by ADHDTigger

RHW, I love you in so very many ways. This post came at just the time I needed to laugh instead of cry. May everything around you bless you!

Here's another couple for the list...

I really CAN go from 0 to B*TCH in less than three seconds. Unless you want to go there, don't test me.

I don't COME with instructions. Good luck!

Your bad day is not grounds for MY bad day. You keep your crap, I'll keep mine.

I'm reality based. When what you say and what you do are two different things... guess what I will consider first.

If the pills were freaking magic, I could take one right now and you would approximate human. Right?


Not my best day. Sorry.

Awww, I'm sorry. *hugs*

*those days* suck big time.

-- If we can't answer your question stop, backtrack, and leave the issue. How are we supposed to articulate something we don't understand????

[crazycat1990]

Don't claim you've told me something when I'm sure you haven't! Because either: you did tell me and I forgot, or you sort of did but because I'm never 100% paying attention I didn't get the jist/the hint. Then I'll end up ****ed off with you or start thinking negative things about myself, like how I'm too useless to remember things/take hints.

Basically this just happened with me and my bf. I booked an online ticket to go to our local theme park tomorrow as it's cheaper than on the gate prices. We were gonna go together this Wednesday as well, and he has a free ticket which I was gonna use then (as I wasn't 100% sure if I could use it tomorrow, I'm sure the T&C said we couldn't use it tomorrow). So just spoken to him on the phone and he mentioned the ticket, I asked if he was talking about Wednesday and he was like "No! I told you the other day I don't think I can make it then!" but I have no recollection of that whatsoever!! And the online ticket I booked is non-refundable! Ok the free one we have can be used another time (we have up until June) but right now I have little money and just wish he could have made it clear!!
As for it being valid tomorrow, he claims it is, I say the T&C say no, the website currently says it CAN be used tomorrow but that's a different offer to the other month, which is the one we have. If that makes any sense haha.

Grr well that's my rant for the day! Although I'm still excited about tomorrow, the new coaster officially opens and it's awesome apparently (some lucky competition winners have been on already)!

[stef]

Now that my boss knows somewhat about add (or just at least understands, I can forget things) - well now it's like he's got total immunity. he will not believe me, if i say "you never asked me to take care of that".

[equilibrium]

These are some things in response to posts above. I love them (above), so great to hear people say it. They are not really do or don'ts, or maybe they are but some are techniques i have been able to learn. lol.


I buy only black socks.

I buy the cheapest notebooks, dayplanners, organizers, folders, address books possible. They are for one-time use only. And yes, I try to be environmentally friendly in all other areas!

I try not to buy any more food or cans of food other than what will fit on front seat of car beside me.. Try as hard as you can to resist filling that shopping cart up in record time, and stocking up with enough food for a couple years. If placed in trunk=anything that was supposed to go in fridge or freezer is garbage due to forgetting them until next time you go grocery shopping. Grrr, I do this ALL the time.

Big large bright post it notes on everything. The walls, the light switches, the doors. One word only per post it note. It works a little, sometimes.

When I say I forgot something for 6 months, I am not lying or trying to sound ridiculous.

Yes, I know I jump all over the place. Yes, I know I can be quite loud. Yes, I know I am impulsive. Yes, I know I “shouldn’t have” probably done that. Yes, I know typically how I “should” act in situations…I just can’t. I do know a lot about myself. It is not like I am going to “wake up” and be like…wth, you are so right!!? What was I thinking??!!??

Stop telling me I have a of paper (s).

Yes, I agree with the doodling! And NO, I am NOT in kindergarten. I hate it when people act like you are five years old because you doodle .

Yes, I know my workspace looks crazy unorganized but it is MY workspace. You don’t work in my cubbie, nor does anyone else see it. And STOP moving all my papers to the top of my desk to “encourage” me to sort through them. They are filed in a pile where I have quick access to them!

If I say I don’t know, I have moved on and I really don’t know!

[Crackerjack]

Originally Posted by equilibrium

I buy only black socks.

Heh.

I used to buy multi colored//designed socks for work and it drove me crazy trying to match them.

So now all my work socks are black and non-work ones are white. Much, much easier.

[Driver]

Originally Posted by Crackerjack

Heh.

I used to buy multi colored//designed socks for work and it drove me crazy trying to match them.

So now all my work socks are black and non-work ones are white. Much, much easier.

I do that too...but my OCD hates it because my black socks are EXACTLY the same...

[ADHDKylee]

If I forget to say hi, look you in the face when you're speaking, make sure the conversation is resiprical, or say bye when everything is done, don't make a huge thing out of it.

If I am scared around new people, don't completely leave me out. Help me by introducing me to them and showing me why you like them as a friend and why they are trustworthy.

Remember that I have some problems keeping organized... Commenting on my messy locker, sometimes room, school books and papers, etc is not necassary.

If I seem hyperactive, impulsive, or day dreamish, don't ask me if I forgot my medication today. Truth be told, it is not your business, and when I forget I feel bad enough without people pointing it out.

If I say I don't want you to brush my hair because it hurts me, hug me, buy me tight clothes, turn the lights on in the mornings, or speak too loud, listen to me and don't say I am making it up. I only wish I wasn't so sensitive to those sorts of things.

Point out my misbheaviours, do not nag at me about them. I will learn at my own speed, and constant nagging will not help me. It will only annoy me and cause fights.

I have a very low tolerance for frustration, and often school is a lot of sensory overload and overwhelming. I need time to myself after school, and if you come in and try to talk to me or ask me to do things, it only makes me upset and frustrated. I will tell you what you want to know, and do what I need to do, after I have my quiet time to myself.

If I don't get subtle social cues, or understand that you're upset with me if you're not yelling or crying, please don't get mad at me. I need to take my time and think about what facial expressions and certian cues mean. It does no good if you get even more frustrated when I don't understand that's what you are feeling.

If I happen to get too hyper, don't tell me about it. Let me get it out of my system and have time to just act silly and be myself. I don't always need or want to act like I am on medication 24/7...

[RedHairedWitch]

This thread should be pinned!!!

[ADHDTigger]

I agree completely but will defer to Meadd on this. I know I have it bookmarked for those days when I just need a good laugh or a quick copy paste set of guidelines for an NT.

[equilibrium]

What is pinned? I'm new so forgive me!

I just had a conversation with my mother regarding me forgetting stuff and trying to make lists. Anyone who knows me I make millions of lists, and who knows what happens to them. This conversation is exactly a no-no, I think. I thought I would write it down.

Me: I do make lists, mom. I just don't know what happens to them.

Mom: Well, you need to get one notebook and carry it around with you all day and night and write everything in that one book.

Me: Yes, I know...I have tried that. I leave it somewhere, forget, and then I move on to something else.

Mom: Well, you just aren't trying hard enough.

Me: I am trying hard, Mom. I just can't seem to "get it". I struggle with this all the time and it's a tool that might work for some but it doesn't work for me. I still write lists but they work for the 30 seconds after I write them down.

Mom: If you are going to be negative about it, you will never accomplish anything. You will never overcome this.

Me: I am not being negative. I am trying to tell you that -I am not dumb, I've tried this technique and it doesn't work for me. I can't learn one tool and then "overcome" all this.

Mom: Well, you really aren't trying that hard then!

Me: OMG, I have to go. I'm not going to talk about this with you.

Mom: Okay, bye. (hangs up).

I am SO frustrated! I am almost thirty...you think I would know by now if it works. lol.

Thought I would add that to the list!