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Old 03-22-13, 10:21 AM
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Husband's ADHD and his job. I'm afraid he's going to get fired!

I have known my husband for almost 9 years and in that time he has had 5 different jobs. Most were held for a year or less but his most recent one he has been at for almost 5 years, but practically everyday I wonder if he's going to remain there. Everyplace he's worked he's had severe issues with at least one person, to the point at a couple of them where he basically challenged another guy to a fight. Before I met him he got fired from another job for whatever reason and before that worked on fishing boats and got into arguments with people on there all the time. He has no tolerance and no patience. His current job is a union job so you have to do a LOT to get fired from there. He has worked all three different shifts at this job and has had issues with people on all shifts. He's had arguments to the point where HR was brought in to hear both sides of the story. Last summer he got promoted to an admin job which got him off the floor. He's had issues with upper level managers and got into arguments with them.

Yesterday he came home visibly upset. He said yesterday was going fine until he had his weekly meeting that he leads and one of his managers came in and went off on him in front of everyone about how he took so and so off of something to do something else without clearing it first with the manager. My husband got upset that this guy was embarrassing him in front of everyone and asked the 20 or so people in the meeting if they had anything to share and no one did so he just walked right out of the meeting. Then the manager came and talked to him and the way my husband puts it is that the guy wouldn't let him talk and was basically talking AT my husband. My husband goes "Are you done?" and just starts attacking him verbally. Thee guy starts talking over him and my husband says something else and the guy goes "Do we need to take this into my office to talk privately?" And my husband says "No, we're done here" and walks away. That story was one of the worse things I've heard from my husband and I wonder what it's going to take before he REALLY loses it and does something so drastic he gets fired. The thing is, he used to go on about how great this manager was and now all of a sudden the guy is a real jerk.

Another thing I just found out as well is that my husband left the navy after 3 years at the age of 21 because he hit a superior officer that ****** him off. He never told me the real reason he left. He was given an honorable discharge and the guy he hit got a dishonorable one for whatever reason. That was practically 25 years ago!

I don't know if it's ADHD or just an extreme case of anger issues. The arguments and issues with people are NEVER his fault. It's always the other person that makes his life difficult. Well, he is the common denominator in everything so I think it has pretty much to do with him. Whenever work or his ex upsets him I usually get the brunt of his angry outburst. He has never and would never physically hurt me but I often feel I need to walk on eggshells around him. Just like when he came home yesterday all upset. He was yelling at the cats and I took that as my cue to leave the room and not say a word to him because I knew he would yell at me if I said ANYTHING!
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Old 03-22-13, 10:29 AM
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Re: Husband's ADHD and his job. I'm afraid he's going to get fired!

Google ODD.
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Old 03-22-13, 12:31 PM
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Re: Husband's ADHD and his job. I'm afraid he's going to get fired!

when events form a pattern you can be sure the pattern has something to do with the person that's common to all the events.

Even if they do not actively instigate the problem, they either repeatedly get themselves into a situation where they're with/working for/communicating with toxic people or are unable to stop escalating a situation until it becomes significant.

It is important for him to recognise the patterns and begin to explore why this happens to him.....this is basic stuff for any reasonable therapist.

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Old 03-23-13, 05:31 AM
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Re: Husband's ADHD and his job. I'm afraid he's going to get fired!

He has to want these things not to happen in order to change them ever. If he isnt bothered by frequent job changes, firing,conflict or confrontation then keep both hands inside the ride until it comes to a complete stop.
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Old 03-23-13, 06:08 AM
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Re: Husband's ADHD and his job. I'm afraid he's going to get fired!

This man will benefit from the "webcam watching me" technique......

Tell him to imagine watching himself through a webcam when he feels emotional........ gives you a bit of perspective and lets you overcome your immidiate emotions and grasp a bit of the bigger picture.....

Honestly though ....... don't think he's at the stage where he's willing to ACCEPT.

Counsellor, counsellor, counsellor......... it's soooooo great you have a deep concern for his behavior and wellbeing........ he's the only one who can make any substantial change.....
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Old 04-01-13, 07:29 PM
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Re: Husband's ADHD and his job. I'm afraid he's going to get fired!

My husband would blame a lot of others for the reasons he didn't get a long with them. It's not even like how they function is WRONG per say, but it's different than what the social norm may be, and many people can't deal with it, or get very frustrated by it (like you do for instance). It's not like he didn't have a REASON to get upset, but the way he handled it in the end is only going to get him in trouble, no matter how justified he perceives it, if the manifestation of his anger is unacceptable or inappropriate. Here is the bottom line. If HE doesn't want to pursue help or treatment, then HE is not going to, and then YOU are going to have to accept things as it is or YOU will have to make other decisions for YOUrself. Sorry, I know that experience of someone blaming everybody else for getting mad or angry. I used to tell my husband that I wasn't saying he didn't have the right to be angry or upset, but I was frustrated by how that anger was expressed and the potential consequences. My husband also got a lot better in the work environment not just for others but for himself when he went on medication. He would use so much energy just to "make it" through the day, I'm sure it had to be exhausting
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Old 04-02-13, 09:21 AM
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Re: Husband's ADHD and his job. I'm afraid he's going to get fired!

My husband didn't go to work last Tuesday thru Thursday because he was so angry at his coworkers and upper level managers for not "appreciating" what he does. He got promoted to an admin position, which I don't know how he managed that because there hasn't been a paycheck where he's worked 80 hours in over a year due to always taking at least a day off a paycheck. He sets up meetings and oversees them and even set things up for an all day job fair. He actually got a certificate for that from his managers and felt really good about himself. Then less than 2 weeks later he is all upset becasue nobody appreciates him and just argues with him.

He didn't go in yesterday because his stomach was upset, which miraculously felt better a few hours after he should have been at work. He swears to me last night that he's going in today and will continue to go in because he was just so upset last week to go in and is now over it. Well the alarm goes off at 3:30 this morning and he tells me he's going to sleep in a bit because he didn't sleep at all overnight. He needs to be at work by 5AM but it is now 6:15 AM and he is still in bed. If he isn't up in the next half hour then he isn't going in...AGAIN! How many times did I go into work with little sleep and I made it thru the day. He sits at a desk all day and he can't handle doing that on a little sleep?

I work from home and haven't had much work so far this year yet I have been paying for EVERYTHING since early January. I pay the entire rent, bills, groceries, gas. Nearly $3000 a month which is quickly eating away my savings. It's almost like he sees his menial paychecks of $400-$500 (because he doesn't go to work enough) as mad money to be spent on motorcycle parts and he also makes sure to pay off his student loans monthly but I take care of everything else. I kid you not with one paycheck of not even $400 he gave $200 to a guy as a down payment on motorcycle tires (because you know he can't keep him waiting for payment or what would he think of him!) and gave another guy $100 for tire warmers (because he's such a good guy and wants to pay him immediately!). Yet he has no qualms with me paying the entire rent because he'll get me his share next pay period, which of course he doesn't.
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Old 04-02-13, 09:27 AM
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Re: Husband's ADHD and his job. I'm afraid he's going to get fired!

He should get some help from a doctor/psychiatrist, if he isn't already.
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Old 04-02-13, 11:15 AM
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Re: Husband's ADHD and his job. I'm afraid he's going to get fired!

8AM and he finally got up. First things he says is "sorry" for not going to work. Makes it out to be that he didn't get ANY sleep and his mind was racing. Tough! Drink a pot of coffee take a 5 hr energy and go to work!!!There's a lot of people in this world who don't get sleep and still get to work EVERY day!

Tells me he's going to bed at 7PM tonight whether I want him to or not so that he can get up for work tomorrow. That doesn't mean squat to me!! He'll go to bed too early and then be tossing all night and still won't get any sleep!
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Old 04-02-13, 11:32 AM
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Re: Husband's ADHD and his job. I'm afraid he's going to get fired!

There is nothing you can do until he gets help and treatment. If things are really as bad as they seem from your posts, it's time to seriously consider sitting him down with a list and telling the boy that if he wants his marriage to last, he needs to get help, NOW.
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Old 04-03-13, 08:28 AM
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Re: Husband's ADHD and his job. I'm afraid he's going to get fired!

Day 3 of him not going to work. Once again I am sure he will get up at 8AM and say how sorry he is once again for not going in but he just didn't get ANY sleep. He will PROMISE PROMISE PROMISE to go in tomorrow, but I've heard that 4 times in the past week and each time it's been a lie.
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Old 04-03-13, 08:49 AM
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Re: Husband's ADHD and his job. I'm afraid he's going to get fired!

Mapper, what actions have you taken to alter this situation?

Have you looked up co-dependant groups in your area?
Have you read any books on relationships?

From here on in, only action will change this situation.

From now on, I urge you to focus on your feelings and actions, not his.

Can you write a list of what changes you will need in order to feel that this relationship is beneficial for you.
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Old 04-03-13, 09:06 AM
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Re: Husband's ADHD and his job. I'm afraid he's going to get fired!

What changes can I make? He doesn't seem to care that I am at my wits end with him not going to work. He constantly promises that he'll go in and then doesn't. Constantly tells me he's sorry for how he's acting and he'll change. I looked up his paycheck online today and he's down 20 hours and after all was taken out for taxes, food service, child support, union dues he was left with $358. He still needs $200 more just to pay his share of rent not to mention paying his share of everything else.

He's always telling me it's going to be okay and he's over the hump or just about over the hump and he'll start working a lot of overtime but never does. He can't work overtime because he can't stand being around half the people there.
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Old 04-03-13, 10:26 AM
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Re: Husband's ADHD and his job. I'm afraid he's going to get fired!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mapper View Post
8AM and he finally got up. First things he says is "sorry" for not going to work. Makes it out to be that he didn't get ANY sleep and his mind was racing. Tough! Drink a pot of coffee take a 5 hr energy and go to work!!!There's a lot of people in this world who don't get sleep and still get to work EVERY day!

Tells me he's going to bed at 7PM tonight whether I want him to or not so that he can get up for work tomorrow. That doesn't mean squat to me!! He'll go to bed too early and then be tossing all night and still won't get any sleep!
Hi Mapper,

You know, I appreciate your situation. I truly do. I know it's frustrating.

What I also know, though, is if he has ADHD, he needs real help and he might not realize the depth and extent of his condition. I love the "Watching Me Webcam" idea. It might help. But he might forget to do it. ;-)

If he has ADHD, the last thing he (or anyone else really) needs is a pot of coffee and a 5-hour energy drink. You want to see anger? That combination could put some people over the top, especially people with ADHD who already have difficulties with emotional regulation. Add sleep deprivation (sleep challenges are common to many people with ADHD), and that is a very bad combination.

Like it or not, it might be up to you to learn more about ADHD and how to "get through" to him. It really behooves you to get educated. "Venting" off steam is one thing, and it might be a necessary part of your process. But at some point, the partners of adults with ADHD need to move beyond that and into self-education. It's not going to magically solve everything, but it is a step in the right direction.

Good luck to you and your husband.
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Old 04-03-13, 10:58 AM
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Re: Husband's ADHD and his job. I'm afraid he's going to get fired!

Go to Amazon and order ADD & Loving It?!. It's a documentary about adult ADHD and sit your hubby down and make him watch it with you.
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