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Old 03-12-18, 08:13 AM
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Post Girlfriend wants to end relationship after 3 years

My girlfriend told me she wants to brake up after being together for 3 years. As reasons she gave that she can't be in a relationship right now, she is irritated more and more by little things I do and that I often don't seem to be aware of what is going on in her life. As well she feels like she isn't in love as much as in the beginning.

Now for a bit of context, our relationship started at a time when I was still in treatment at a psychiatrist as I was recently diagnosed with ADHD(-PI) and co-morbid depression. When I started with her, my depression was still there but was getting better. Apart from medication and treatment I think she was a great part in lifting my depression, because without her I would be laying in bed and she was a reason to get out of bed and do things. Around a year into the relationship, I could declare my depression to be almost gone. Things got significantly better with my study as well and I was in general more happy. The relationship was good as well and we never fight, although there sometimes where some small irritations like in every relationship i suppose.

Just a few months ago, everything was fine and we were even thinking about moving in together. After she came back from a 3 month trip to south-east Asia she said she has doubts. She is currently going through some issues as well as her parents are in divorce and she doesn't talk to her father anymore. I thought she just needed some time to adjust back home and deal with these issues and we might get better. However 2 months later I still saw her at most once a week and she didn't seem to really want spend time with me. I asked her for clarity and then she said she thought she wanted to break up giving the above reasons.

The reasons she gave where a bit vague, but might it be possible that they have something to do with me having adhd? I think especially the part of that I don't seem to be aware of what is going on in her life. I do have trouble paying attention and it occurs quite often that I ask her about something but she apparently said it before already. As for the irritations they might as well be due to my medications not being adjusted very well (after 3 years I finally feel I have found a regime that works for me) and the 'crash' of dex and not being able to sleep directly in the evenings. I didn't feel this had such an influence on our relationship but in retrospect I feel that it might have been a factor.

TL;DR: Girlfriend wants to brake up with me after 3 years. I feel it may be due to in part to my ADHD-PI as she feels I am not aware what is going on in her life and she says she is irritated by me.

What are your experiences and what would you do in this situation?
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Old 03-12-18, 09:28 AM
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Re: Girlfriend wants to end relationship after 3 years

Do an objective gut-check. Do I want to be in a relationship with that woman or do I just want to avoid change (or maybe do I just want to be in a relationship) and WHY? For me that includes an objective list w/ real-life examples where possible to validate my answer.

I don't know you, your GF, or anything other than your post. Also, consider that your GF may have moved on already and be in another relationship. Best Wishes, -LN
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Old 03-12-18, 10:09 AM
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Re: Girlfriend wants to end relationship after 3 years

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Originally Posted by Little Nut View Post
Do an objective gut-check. Do I want to be in a relationship with that woman or do I just want to avoid change (or maybe do I just want to be in a relationship) and WHY? For me that includes an objective list w/ real-life examples where possible to validate my answer.

I don't know you, your GF, or anything other than your post. Also, consider that your GF may have moved on already and be in another relationship. Best Wishes, -LN
Funny, I just did made a list this morning. Last week, she asked me why I liked her and I didn't really know what to say. I was confused about this as I do really like her and being with her but couldn't really put in to words directly. So I made a long list of the things I like about her. A selection:

1. She knows what she wants
2. Is very social
3. Supportive and sweet
4. Fun to be around
5. Both feet on the ground
6. A bit disorganized & impulsive just like me (she was diagnosed with adhd as a child but does not really believes she has it & doesnt take any meds)
7. Likes to be outside/ adventurous
8. Can laugh & cry with her


And then a selection of the list of the things which i don't like about her:
1. The fact that I don't seem to be her first priority. Her horses, her mother and her friends seem to come first.
2. Her relationship with her mother. She is very close with her mother, like friends. I feel that her mother also sort of 'claims' her now that she is in divorce. I actually have more sympathy for the father who works full time and brings in all of the money, while the mother goes on vacation all the time and does not work. But I never mention this to my gf as I think it would not fall well.
3. I am afraid that I might come in the same position as her father later on, as her mother says to my gf all the time that she shouldn't worry about money and that she should live now etc. However I my gf is a bit more sensible in this aspect.
4. Often irritated by small things, sudden change in mood when I do a small thing "wrong"
5. becoming angry when I wake her up at night when i turn in my sleep
6. not seeming to accept that i take medication/ not asking about it. (She does not explicitly say she doesn't like it but has made some comments that make me think she does not like me taking the medications)
7. Only coming by me late at night and wanting to sleep without having some conversation or chill first


In reality the list of things I like about her is longer than the list of things I don't like. As well, most of the things that i don't like about her have more to do with the current situation than her personality perse. So what I feel is mainly that I would like to continue the relation (I was not the one who wanted to quit) but something definitely has to change. It certainly can't continue in the way it was the last months.

Last edited by Bart1992; 03-12-18 at 10:22 AM..
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Old 03-12-18, 10:28 AM
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Re: Girlfriend wants to end relationship after 3 years

I think there might be some truth in that I took on the relationship in the beginning because I just wanted to be in a relationship. It was not the romantic love on first sight situation you see in the movies (I was still depressed at the start so I actually didn't feel much).

However this has grown over time and I definitely love her. I don't think that it is now the case that I just want to keep in the relationship because I don't want to be alone. I handled the 3,5 months she was traveling quite well alone and I am also going to travel myself next year, for which it would actually be not so bad if I'm not in a relationship.
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Old 03-12-18, 12:32 PM
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Re: Girlfriend wants to end relationship after 3 years

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Originally Posted by Little Nut View Post
Bart, It may help w/ perspective to add real-life specific examples next to each item on your list. -LN
Thank you, I forgot, that might be indeed helpful. I cannot add to much detail as it would get to personal but here they are:

list of the things I like about her.

1. She knows what she wants
- in choosing what to do/where to go/ what to eat/watch on netflix etc.
2. Is very social
- she's active in her student association, talks easily with everyone, is outgoing. Example: just a few weeks ago i threw a party with my house mates, and despite that she did not know many people she easily laid contact with my friends that were there and I didn't need to accompany her all the time - she takes her own plan.
3. Supportive and sweet
- If I feel down she is there for hugs most of the time. When i was depressed or after I worked night shifts, she would take me for coffee and undertake activities with me. However recently when we wanted to go out to dinner I suddenly had a depressed feeling, I completely zoned out and cried out of nothing. She then suddenly didn't want to have dinner anymore and said she could not handle another issue in her life. I understand that this is hard for her and I always watch out to be to clingy or make excuses, however I could not prevent to not cry, it came out of nothing and due to all of the insecurities of last months and I could not hold my feelings back at that moment. We did had dinner btw and talked a bit and it turned to a good night in the end.
4. Fun to be around
- For example we often cook together/ go out for a drink/ walk with the dogs and we generally have a good time. We can also talk about things in our lives, there are never awkward silences however sometimes there is conflict because she thinks I am not listening or I go on to long on subjects I find interesting but fail to recognize it might not be interesting for her.
5. Both feet on the ground
- Whereas her mother is involved in astrology/herbal medications etc., my gf is more science based and rational. She studies at university just like me and I like that I am able to talk on the same level as her.

6. A bit disorganized & impulsive just like me (she was diagnosed with adhd as a child but does not really believes she has it & doesnt take any meds).
- She does not really make long term plans and decides what to do based on what she likes at that moment.
7. Likes to be outside/ adventurous
- We went on multiple vacations together, where we went on hikes, swimmed a lot and slept in a tent or stayed in airbnb's.
8. Can laugh & cry with her
- She accepts me for who I am. When I was depressed she did not go away for it and she was very sweet for me most of the time.


list of the things which i don't like about her:
1. The fact that I don't seem to be her first priority. Her horses, her mother and her friends seem to come first.
- As she is very social and involved with her study association (and I am too, albeit less active than she is), we are not able to be together on most tuesdays, wednesdays and thursdays. I myself often have to work on the weekends. This leaves the monday and sometimes the weekend available for time together, which in principle would be enough for me however she often goes to her parents in the weekend or to other friends when we could have been together.

-When I had the graduation ceremony of my bachelor, She couldn't be there because her horse had an illness and she needed to be there when the doctor came. However I think she could easily have arranged another time or someone else to be there for the doctor. She did come for dinner afterwards though.

- Before she went on her travels, we said that I would come to visit her there for around 2 weeks. However, when she was there, she didn't want this anymore but her mother did come. As well now that her mother is in divorce, she constantly goes home to be with her mother.

2. Her relationship with her mother. She is very close with her mother, like friends. I feel that her mother also sort of 'claims' her now that she is in divorce. I actually have more sympathy for the father who works full time and brings in all of the money, while the mother goes on vacation all the time and does not work. But I never mention this to my gf as I think it would not fall well.
- She goes to her mother continuously. Her mother makes bad comments about that her father etc. and comes to our city often and unexpectedly (4 hours driving). When I made some cautious comments about it to my gf she partly agrees but is also in denial
3. I am afraid that I might come in the same position as her father later on, as her mother says to my gf all the time that she shouldn't worry about money and that she should live now etc. However I my gf is a bit more sensible in this aspect.
- because of the influence of her mothers' comments about money and that she shouldnt worry. Before she went on her travels, we talked about moving in together. She wants to do her masters elsewhere but this is an expensive city to live in and ignores questions about how she would pay for this .
4. Often irritated by small things, sudden change in mood when I do a small thing "wrong"
- When I go on to long about a certain subject for example, or when I am not able to sleep immediately. We could have had fun the whole night and then suddenly she doesn't want to see me anymore or is just angry. These changes are often of short duration though and I often manage to "talk it out" and apologize.
5. becoming angry when I wake her up at night when i turn in my sleep
6. not seeming to accept that i take medication/ not asking about it. (She does not explicitly say she doesn't like it but has made some comments that make me think she does not like me taking the medications)
- Especially in the beginning, when she sees me taking my medication she made comments like "are you taking your drugs again" and sometimes when I was behaving in a certain way (going on to long in conversations/ irritatible) she asked if "I am on dex again". After I was better adjusted to the medications I don't feel she founds it really a problem anymore but I still don't really take the meds when in her presence to avoid these kind of comments.
7. Only coming by me late at night and wanting to sleep without having some conversation or chill first
-This is more of a recent issue but more recently she wants to sleep early all the time. Sometimes in the middle of a conversation she shuts me off and wants to sleep. Or she expects me to be able to sleep immediately when we go to bed which I can't because of meds and I need some bed time relaxation
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Old 03-12-18, 10:30 AM
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Re: Girlfriend wants to end relationship after 3 years

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bart1992 View Post
My girlfriend told me she wants to brake up after being together for 3 years. As reasons she gave that she can't be in a relationship right now, she is irritated more and more by little things I do and that I often don't seem to be aware of what is going on in her life. As well she feels like she isn't in love as much as in the beginning.
With adhd, its common to have relationship problems especially related to emotional regulation issues but I think a lot of relationship problems are unfairly blamed on adhd. She says she cant be in a relationship now and this is huge to me. None of the other stuff matters and I would be willing to bet she has this thought before her travels but tried to convince herself otherwise.

Quote:
Now for a bit of context, our relationship started at a time when I was still in treatment at a psychiatrist as I was recently diagnosed with ADHD(-PI) and co-morbid depression. When I started with her, my depression was still there but was getting better. Apart from medication and treatment I think she was a great part in lifting my depression, because without her I would be laying in bed and she was a reason to get out of bed and do things. Around a year into the relationship, I could declare my depression to be almost gone. Things got significantly better with my study as well and I was in general more happy. The relationship was good as well and we never fight, although there sometimes where some small irritations like in every relationship i suppose.
I am happy for you in this regard but bear in mind..when we put our getting well or mental wellness primarily on another person we are taking the power and credit away from ourselves and the doctors/meds. You got well with help from a doctor. She might of made you happy but she is not responsible for your ultimate well being.

Quote:
Just a few months ago, everything was fine and we were even thinking about moving in together. After she came back from a 3 month trip to south-east Asia she said she has doubts. She is currently going through some issues as well as her parents are in divorce and she doesn't talk to her father anymore. I thought she just needed some time to adjust back home and deal with these issues and we might get better. However 2 months later I still saw her at most once a week and she didn't seem to really want spend time with me. I asked her for clarity and then she said she thought she wanted to break up giving the above reasons.
Again I believe she tried to convince herself that she wanted to stay in the relationship, and has a lot going on emotionally. She is distracted and frankly its commendable that she told you then string you along.

Quote:
The reasons she gave where a bit vague, but might it be possible that they have something to do with me having adhd? I think especially the part of that I don't seem to be aware of what is going on in her life. I do have trouble paying attention and it occurs quite often that I ask her about something but she apparently said it before already. As for the irritations they might as well be due to my medications not being adjusted very well (after 3 years I finally feel I have found a regime that works for me) and the 'crash' of dex and not being able to sleep directly in the evenings. I didn't feel this had such an influence on our relationship but in retrospect I feel that it might have been a factor.
Sure you can try and blame her stuff about you on all these things but you'd be wrong. Its entirely her stuff that she feels and while you might be the catalyst, I dont believe you are the reason for her change of heart.
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Old 03-12-18, 11:19 AM
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Re: Girlfriend wants to end relationship after 3 years

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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
She says she cant be in a relationship now and this is huge to me.
Thanks for your reply Sarah. I think you might be right that this is the biggest reason, that she just doesn't want to be in a relation right now. But if this is only due to her situation at home, this would be only temporarily I assume? Is this a reason to break up? Maybe I should just give her more space?

I think you're completely right on the fact that I got better with help of medication and doctors and myself. It is not that I am that much dependent on her that I need her to feel happy (at least not anymore).

As for the adhd related issues, I think they might be part of the issue that she doesn't like me as much as before, of course not the whole reason. and then not the fact that i have adhd but perhaps that I did not always clearly explained why I was not listening, couldn't sleep well or could be irritatible as well as a result of medication wearing out.

If the reason is that she doesn't want to be in a relation with me anymore, this also has to come from somewhere right? I guess it is a combination of (temporary) issues at home, her being away for 3,5 months and becoming used to the freedom, as well as the irritations that exist between us sometimes. I feel none of these problems are insurmountable.
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Old 03-12-18, 11:04 AM
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Re: Girlfriend wants to end relationship after 3 years

Bart, It may help w/ perspective to add real-life specific examples next to each item on your list. -LN
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Old 03-13-18, 09:28 AM
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Re: Girlfriend wants to end relationship after 3 years

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Originally Posted by Little Nut View Post
Bart, It may help w/ perspective to add real-life specific examples next to each item on your list. -LN
Sorry Bart, that wasn't for me to review, I thought it would be helpful for you to do it. It would help validate each one of your reasons and assign degree of "importance" for you. Just as important, it would be formatted in a way that would help you strongly emphasize to your GF how important your relationship and she is to you. (SORRY FOR CLUMSY WORDING. NOT SAYING READ IT TO HER, BUT THOSE WOULD BE THE POINTS I WOULD WANT TO MAKE WHEN TELLING HER.) In any event, GL. -LN
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Old 03-12-18, 12:08 PM
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Re: Girlfriend wants to end relationship after 3 years

I was going to post pretty much the same things Sarah posted. I'm also sure being away for over 3 months helped her realize that she prefers that freedom to being in a relationship right now. If she has gotten to the point where everything you do irritates her, I think it would in fact be best to just end it right now. Not just because it's what she wants (although that's more than enough reason), but also because you don't deserve to have someone yell at you just for existing.

Either way, she seems to have made up her mind already and you do need to respect that. It can be hard to move on and change like this is never easy, but dragging it out will just extend the painful period. :/ You will heal from it and eventually find someone you're totally into who is also totally into you. Someone who you won't have to be unsure about and who won't put her hobbies and everything else before you. In fact, she could be just around the corner. My last ex found her next partner five days after we ended our relationship and they're perfect together, so who knows who's out there waiting for you to be free?
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Old 03-13-18, 06:02 PM
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Re: Girlfriend wants to end relationship after 3 years

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Originally Posted by Bart1992 View Post
She is currently going through some issues as well as her parents are in divorce and she doesn't talk to her father anymore. I thought she just needed some time to adjust back home and deal with these issues and we might get better. However 2 months later I still saw her at most once a week and she didn't seem to really want spend time with me. I asked her for clarity and then she said she thought she wanted to break up giving the above reasons.
I am not saying this is the main reason for what is happening, but could there be a parallel between her parents divorcing and your girlfriend having doubts about - any kind of - long-term commitment right now?

Its hard to give helpfull advice in this matter, on what to do.

Ad(h)d sometimes complicates relationships to a point where they cannot survive, especially when we are undiagnosed or in denial. On the other hand when our self-awareness around ad(h)d grows we tend to feel very responsible for how it can affect our relationships, so much that we think we are almost entirely to blame, our Ad(h)d ends up being the prime suspect.

And perhaps in doing so we sometimes forget that our partners may be working through some of their own stuff as well, things that may have less to do with us than we give ourself (bad) credit for, things that may not even be totally clear to themselves, and for which they need to find the answer first - on their own.
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Old 03-27-18, 04:10 PM
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Re: Girlfriend wants to end relationship after 3 years

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i am not saying this is the main reason for what is happening, but could there be a parallel between her parents divorcing and your girlfriend having doubts about - any kind of - long-term commitment right now?
It has been a while now since I posted this, and we have talked some more on it. It seems to me it is a combination of the divorce of her parents and the other reasons. She said she was afraid that our relation would become the same as her parents, as she sees similarities between me and her dad. Her dad is like me also more of a quiet type and sits at home a lot in his free time. She said she was afraid that I would become like that later.

After this talk, she wanted more time to think about it, she said she needed a week but then after a week when I asked if she has thought about it, she said nothing has really changed: she still was not sure about if she wanted to be with me or not. Because I was now already 2 months in insecurity (+ being 3,5 months without her when she was traveling) I said she should make a choice if she wanted to (really) try again or to end the relationship now (at least for now). So there we ended it as she still was not sure and I didn't really have much trust in it anymore.

I also told her about what i thought about the relation she has with her mother and how I think she is claiming her, and she acknowledged that it maybe was not so healthy. She also said she is going to see a psychologist to deal with the issues.

I am feeling mixed right now, part of me is relieved that we ended it so I can go on with my life but on the other side I didn't want the relation to end at all and still am thinking about her all the time. I still kind of hope that she comes back to me and that she says she made a mistake or something.

But anyways, thanks everyone for the replies. It has been very helpful to get some different insights from you.
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Old 03-28-18, 04:27 AM
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Re: Girlfriend wants to end relationship after 3 years

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It has been a while now since I posted this, and we have talked some more on it. It seems to me it is a combination of the divorce of her parents and the other reasons. She said she was afraid that our relation would become the same as her parents, as she sees similarities between me and her dad. Her dad is like me also more of a quiet type and sits at home a lot in his free time. She said she was afraid that I would become like that later.
I get it that we can get triggered by familiar behavior from our partners-making us feel like we did when we were children living with our parents but its still an excuse. The relationship is over an unfortunately for you, you will never know 100% if its because of you or her past. It doesnt really matter though because she has made it clear that she is not capable of having a healthy relationship with you now.


Quote:
After this talk, she wanted more time to think about it, she said she needed a week but then after a week when I asked if she has thought about it, she said nothing has really changed: she still was not sure about if she wanted to be with me or not. Because I was now already 2 months in insecurity (+ being 3,5 months without her when she was traveling) I said she should make a choice if she wanted to (really) try again or to end the relationship now (at least for now). So there we ended it as she still was not sure and I didn't really have much trust in it anymore.
Good. I am glad its over because you do not deserve to be d**ked around.
Quote:
I also told her about what i thought about the relation she has with her mother and how I think she is claiming her, and she acknowledged that it maybe was not so healthy. She also said she is going to see a psychologist to deal with the issues.
Good, thats exactly where she needs to go. I know you are trying to help shed light on how her homelife affects her current realtionships but its just not your business. Your business is with Bart and what Bart needs and deserves.

Quote:
I am feeling mixed right now, part of me is relieved that we ended it so I can go on with my life but on the other side I didn't want the relation to end at all and still am thinking about her all the time. I still kind of hope that she comes back to me and that she says she made a mistake or something.
No offense but I hope she doesnt come back to you. Think about how unfair she has been during this whole process. Its been all about her with no regard for you. You deserve better than that.

You need to move on and find someone who is worthy of your love and not so wishy washy.
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Old 03-28-18, 12:01 PM
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Re: Girlfriend wants to end relationship after 3 years

Unless both partners are emotionally invested in the relationship it's all but impossible to work through the issues that will come up. That's considerably more true when one or both has any sort of emotional/neurological issue. I've been married over 18 years and we've struggled a lot over the years. The saving grace was our desire/need for each other. We can really upset the other and cut sooo deep when we're arguing but, in the end, we can't be without the other. I recognize how lucky I am but, especially when you're working on getting to a better place, you need a partner on the same page. Y'all might find a way back to each other or you might not. The key, in my ever so humble opinion, is to be open to it should the opportunity present itself. It's a little cheesy but if it's meant to be, it will be.
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