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Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships.

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Old 10-27-18, 04:59 PM
shadowrift shadowrift is offline
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Relationship - Am I more hurtfull than I realize?

I give up writing something good and concise, here is the short version..

I have been in touch with a doctor and psychologist two and a half years back when I got hozpitilized for suicide attempt. I was in deep depression.
since then I have been diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder and recently my doctor suggest a further evaluation for ADD. It's not something new really, they noticed my lack of concentration before to but now they think it might be good to do a proper evaluation of it. And if it turn out possitive to start medication possibly.


I struggle with both social life and work. Had it not been for my family's company and their understanding of me I would have been fiered ten times over. My school was a failure despite my best efforts.

The fact that I now live with my partner two years back is a miracle in my book.
For the longest time of my life I saw relationship as a lost cause.

Now my struggle is to keep the relationship, I have so many doubts as how to manage this.
My mind space out when we talk and it's so often that she feel I am inconsiderate and not listening to her.
I say some comment about something only to hear "I just said that 5 minutes ago and you even said "yes", didn't you listen at all?!"
I may look like I listen but my mind wander of and I don't notice it until its to late.
It also creates big problems when I try to plan things, I always double book, misread text and assume wrong things, forget we we're supposed to have dinner together and so on.
She helps me out so much with simple day task, like a mother she needs to remind me to turn off the oven, clean, wash and so on.

I forgett things no matter how hard I try to remember to go shop for milk and such things. And everytime I forget things she get irritated and I feel either guilty or angry that she goes off for small things all the time.
I am constantly on my guard to try not forget things, like her birthday or some other things. I can't relax but at the same time her request is only fair and logical.

I need help from someonce with experience living together with someone.
I understand that even though my best effort my partner is not happy.

I have realized after trying to step out of my own mind that in reality she is most likely feeling like a overused mother to me and wants me to function better on my own.
She even said today she wants to seek counceling. Of course this is good but at the same time I understand that she might be worse of than I realize.
I want to better myself but considering I have tried this whole my life I know it's not a matter of "put more effort or willpower in"
I already failed school despite my best effort to "get a grip". I can't make it happen.

I also want to mention that my autism is at fault for causing disorder in our relationship as well. But it takes to long time to write about it so I tried to focus on the aspect of ADD for now. One thing at a time right?

Does anybody have any usefull tip or insight. OR just some thought in general please feel free to comment away.

Last edited by namazu; 10-27-18 at 05:18 PM.. Reason: Edited for clarity: (Swedish) sambo = (English) partner
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Old 10-28-18, 06:33 AM
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Re: Relationship - Am I more hurtfull than I realize?

Relationships are tough with adhd and autism. I can only tell you how it is for me with adhd. I have adhd and so does my husband so I have the unique perspective of being the adhd person and living with the adhd person. Our adhd manifests itself differently. I tend to interrupt and over-talk him especially when I am fired up. I tend to make impulsive mistakes and decisions. I tend to let my mouth get away from me, joke nearly all the time and am sarcastic- which is usually funny but it can be hurtful to people that do not know I am kidding. I procrastinate severely, much more than my husband.

My husband tends to miss what I am saying and asks me to repeat it. He tends to forget something we talked about and needs reminding. Sometimes he swears we never discussed something when I know we did. He takes excrutiatingly long to make decisions. it kills me sometimes because I tend to want to take action. Its a good thing he takes awhile though because it keeps my impulsivity in check but its very annoying when I know what needs to be done.
We tend to balance each other for the most part. Depending on the situation we each use the skills we learned with dealing with the other person to make it work.

I tend to ask him point blank "I need you to focus or tune into me now this is important" And then I recap afterwards to make sure that he heard me. He tends to help me put things into perspective and helps to keep me from castastroph-izing ( making everything out to be a castastrophe) every situtation by helping me compartinmentalize each issue. We like to play something I call "the worst" I actually heard about it off a tv show. Its where we talk about a worrisome subject and say out loud every horrible thing that could happen which gets it out in the open and helps to isolate the real issues about a subject.
So if I am worried that I will say...mess up an important phone call we might go.." what happens if this call goes bad? The person will hang up, call me stupid, I will lose everything, I wont get what I need, my phone will blow up, I will be considered a lost cause, etc" All the worst things that are least likely to happen helps me to isolate what really could happen and separate it from the unrealistic stuff. I hope that makes sense.

For every deficit that I have he makes up for. I cant lie and say I do not get frustrated with him because I do and its taken 23 years or marriage to get to this point.
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Old 10-29-18, 07:03 AM
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Re: Relationship - Am I more hurtfull than I realize?

Yes its really a ADHD and autism thing. For me its more noticable with my aspergers rather than my ADD. Sometimes to dont act like i should supposed to, i do things what i think theyre right to do and hurting my wife with words or reactions but having no clue what ive just done to her. All of this makes it hard to last in a relationship but you need to build up on yourself by asking the partener what you did wrong and try to avoid this next time. Its a real try and error thing, the only problem here is time. If you have a patient partner it should work out in a long term but need adjustment from both sides.
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Old 10-29-18, 11:05 AM
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Re: Relationship - Am I more hurtfull than I realize?

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Originally Posted by Vrantic View Post
Yes its really a ADHD and autism thing. For me its more noticable with my aspergers rather than my ADD. Sometimes to dont act like i should supposed to, i do things what i think theyre right to do and hurting my wife with words or reactions but having no clue what ive just done to her. All of this makes it hard to last in a relationship but you need to build up on yourself by asking the partener what you did wrong and try to avoid this next time. Its a real try and error thing, the only problem here is time. If you have a patient partner it should work out in a long term but need adjustment from both sides.
Thank you for the reply. I do notice some problems like you said saying something wrong which I don’t understand what I did wrong.
I am very observant of myself and most likely less impaired by the whole thing about reading emotions. At least that is what I like to think.
My partner is very understanding at some points, especially about romantic emotions. She can say things like ” next time I dont want to hear a practical solution I just want a hug”
Or ” after sex Please dont just immidetly leave me in bed to go and play games afterwards, i need som affection.”
For me that is helpfull. And I do have learned a lot during these years.
I still struggle of course as I dont have strong emotions and if I do im not sure how to bring them up.
I tend to tackle problems purly in a logical fashion. And often i come up with a practical solution. This is how I solve my own problems.
I cant for all my effort be emotinall. And that scares me sometimes that my partner must lack the affection she requires. But since I am aware i try to think about it.
Seems we are a bit on track with the tips given but maybe i need to talk more about my asberger. Hopefully she will inform me more often and clearly what it is she feels and wants.
Thank you but also thank you sarahsweets!
I feel a bit more confident now that I can do this.
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Old 10-29-18, 03:08 PM
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Re: Relationship - Am I more hurtfull than I realize?

First im glad you feel confidence


I really had trouble hold back a little laugh where you mentioned that you leave her behind in bed and do other things
Believe me, its the same here. But you need to work on your behavior. Program yourself somehow like [After sex - stay in bed]. I think i can feel how you function, you must use now your ability to think and solve logically. If you react wrong, ask her whats the right behavior to do and try to act the right way next time. I know youre damn intelligent and i dont need to know you to know this So use it on the social side.
We share much commen ground. Im also having only few emotions and i cant share emotions in the way my environment expect me to do. Its also important to talk about aspergers as you mentioned it. Explain her why you act in some ways and let her tell you how you should act right this helps you both. And i guess every partner of an aspergers is lacking at some affection but wer can learn to give them at least a minimum of it. Im glad my wife isnt all about affection, shes a really free spirit.
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Old 11-14-18, 06:27 AM
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Re: Relationship - Am I more hurtfull than I realize?

This doesn't mean that you will stop loving. Continue to fight everything even though it is hard.
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Old 11-16-18, 05:51 PM
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Re: Relationship - Am I more hurtfull than I realize?

I've definitely started to realize I've acted more hurtfully towards important people in my life than I thought, and part of that is my ADHD and part of that is just selfishness.

Definitely something to work on, because other people are so important in life.

D.
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Old 11-16-18, 05:53 PM
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Re: Relationship - Am I more hurtfull than I realize?

This kinda ties in to my Buddhist philosophy of "noticing your thoughts have strayed is actually a win, not a loss", I think NOTICING that you've been hurtful is a big win, because that's the very important first step to rectifying things.

Some people never notice or care if they've been hurtful, and they do the most damage.

D.
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Last edited by Daniel1970; 11-16-18 at 05:54 PM.. Reason: typo
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Old 11-17-18, 06:31 AM
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Re: Relationship - Am I more hurtfull than I realize?

This reminds me of some of the AA stuff I practice but being aware of your flaws and actions and wrongs is a win. When you are so wrapped up in yourself that you have no clue or care what your part in something is, you are hurting others. (and yourself). You cant change behavior if you are not aware of it and self awareness is golden.

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Originally Posted by DanielGM1970 View Post
This kinda ties in to my Buddhist philosophy of "noticing your thoughts have strayed is actually a win, not a loss", I think NOTICING that you've been hurtful is a big win, because that's the very important first step to rectifying things.

Some people never notice or care if they've been hurtful, and they do the most damage.

D.
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