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  #16  
Old 01-13-17, 04:43 PM
dvdnvwls dvdnvwls is offline
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Re: In need of help and advice with ADHD Boyfriend.

If you look at a relationship as an investment (please don't, but if you must...)

With an investment, your own past contributions are not a worthwhile indicator of anything. Only the possible future results of the investment have any validity. If you have an investment in something that is clearly not going to bring returns in the future, you have to cut your losses and get out.
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  #17  
Old 01-13-17, 04:54 PM
Brooklynd Brooklynd is offline
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Re: In need of help and advice with ADHD Boyfriend.

As I'm still in the process of finding my own apartment, his behavior is bizarre to me. He tells me through text that I'm loved and wanted in his life and how he wishes I would stay and work it out. He brings me little gifts home, but he's not very affectionate with me at all. Distracts himself with his phone but no physical signs of him loving me or wanting me to leave. He keeps trying to tell me it's extremely hard for him to deal with negative situations. And to not compare his physical behavior with what he's feeling emotionally. He just has a hard time showing it. My head and heart are just so confused as I'm trying to make peace and get closer as this comes to an end. Again thank you so much for everyone's advice and support. It's helping more than you know.
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  #18  
Old 01-13-17, 08:32 PM
ToneTone ToneTone is offline
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Re: In need of help and advice with ADHD Boyfriend.

I'm reading this really great book right now, by an FBI agent who talks about negotiations. He is a former hostage negotiator and the book is all about how people negotiate through all sorts of deals and relationships--and even with themselves. Anyway, the former agent's main point is that we cannot pay attention strictly to the words people say. We have to look at body language and tone and previous behavior and more ...

Ignore his words. They are useless. I too have gotten sucked into good words. I once continued dating a woman for months because of her wonderful words when it was so clear that she wasn't that into me. Your ex's actions--that's what you want to pay attention to. As they say, the actions speak for themselves. Don't get pulled back by mere words.

The fact that he's saying such things to you now is a sign that you've done a good job in stepping away. He probably loves sending you through ups and downs and if you leave, he can't toy with you anymore.

DVD, if only we were that rational ... but about relationships, very few of us that are THAT rational. Indeed emotions are fundamental to relationships ... but emotions have the downside of pulling us away from clear and reasonable thinking.

Which is why rationally resetting yourself and facing the fact that a relationship isn't working is so hard for most people.

Tone
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  #19  
Old 01-14-17, 12:57 PM
dvdnvwls dvdnvwls is offline
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Re: In need of help and advice with ADHD Boyfriend.

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Originally Posted by ToneTone View Post
DVD, if only we were that rational ... but about relationships, very few of us that are THAT rational. Indeed emotions are fundamental to relationships ... but emotions have the downside of pulling us away from clear and reasonable thinking.

Which is why rationally resetting yourself and facing the fact that a relationship isn't working is so hard for most people.
You're right.

What I should have said is much more simple and direct:

In any relationship, the length of time you've been together and the amount you've been through together are never good reasons to continue the relationship.
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  #20  
Old 01-14-17, 11:48 PM
ToneTone ToneTone is offline
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Re: In need of help and advice with ADHD Boyfriend.

You are right about that!

And frankly, I've found that principle to be true for projects as well. Don't continue to do something just because I've been doing it.

Tone
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  #21  
Old 01-15-17, 11:17 PM
Brooklynd Brooklynd is offline
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Re: In need of help and advice with ADHD Boyfriend.

Yes, I agree with you both. Even with the nightly gifts and the "I love you's", I don't even feel he wants to be close to me anymore. I can't figure out why this is tearing me apart. I may need some counseling myself to figure out why I care if this guy wants me or not. I know I don't need his love and affection to feel important or valid. But it just amazes me after all we've been through, and after all he's put me through, he doesn't seem to have love for me anymore. Though I did walk up on him this morning looking for a psychiatrist which is promising.. not for our relationship, but for him getting to a better place. I did find an apartment but unfortunately can't move in till February 1st. So, hopefully staying here with him for another two weeks won't completely depress and destroy me! Ha! Wish me luck. Once again, thank for everyone's advice.
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  #22  
Old 01-15-17, 11:19 PM
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Re: In need of help and advice with ADHD Boyfriend.

Also, does anyone have any advice on how to get back to feeling normal/a little less crazy? Not sure how to explain it, but I've just been feeling anxious and not quite myself from this whole experience. The break up and the craziness within the relationship. Anyone have any good tips besides meditation?
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  #23  
Old 01-16-17, 04:13 AM
dvdnvwls dvdnvwls is offline
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Re: In need of help and advice with ADHD Boyfriend.

To feel normal, act normal.

Also, spend time alone, or maybe with people who don't keep reminding you of him.
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  #24  
Old 01-16-17, 07:53 AM
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Re: In need of help and advice with ADHD Boyfriend.

Therapy can help bring you back to baseline.
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  #25  
Old 01-17-17, 05:27 AM
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Re: In need of help and advice with ADHD Boyfriend.

As Sarahsweets says..... find a good therapist.... and ask... why did I data this person and why did I find it so difficult to leave?
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  #26  
Old 01-17-17, 10:30 PM
ToneTone ToneTone is offline
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Re: In need of help and advice with ADHD Boyfriend.

Recovering after a bad relationship is difficult. Frankly, the fact that you feel so "crazy" at this point is a sign that the relationship was not good for you.

I've been dumped and it hurts like hell ... but I didn't feel crazy and thrown off ... But when I've been dumped or had to back off of dating someone who I was really working hard to look beyond their faults, THEN I felt empty afterwards.

Definitely therapy is a good option ... and also a forum for exploring how you can recognize red flags as quickly ... and to game out what his red flags were that you can be ready to notice fast next time.

With everyone not good for us, there are always, HUGE, SCREAMING red flags. But under the rush of emotion and hope and attachment and all of that, we ignore them. I see one of the best projects single people face (and I'm in this category) is to get good at finding healthy people, people who will treat them really well and be consistent and all of that ... Seems like it should be easy. Ironically it is NOT!

Good luck.

Tone
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  #27  
Old 01-18-17, 12:38 AM
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Re: In need of help and advice with ADHD Boyfriend.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brooklynd View Post
Also, does anyone have any advice on how to get back to feeling normal/a little less crazy? Not sure how to explain it, but I've just been feeling anxious and not quite myself from this whole experience. The break up and the craziness within the relationship. Anyone have any good tips besides meditation?
I agree with sarahsweets on this. Talking with an educated, disinterested 3rd party can really help you discern which things are your ex's issues, which are yours, and which were just a part of the relationship.
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  #28  
Old 02-02-17, 02:11 PM
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Re: In need of help and advice with ADHD Boyfriend.

Just wanted to let everyone know, it's turns out my ex was in fact abusing drugs. I've left and have decided, along with his family, to let him go and make his own choices. Especially since he's in denial that he needs help. Thank you for everyone's advice!
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