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Old 03-22-09, 04:27 AM
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late diagnosis: the aftermath

I started medication/treatment about 6 months ago and I'm finally beginning to get my life under control- It's amazing how much difference it makes when I can just get my head out of the clouds for awhile. But I'm still having trouble dealing with (what I'm assuming is) the residual effects of ~20 years of undiagnosed ADhD. I'm not sure how many other people can relate to this, but hopefully someone might have some advice...

How do you get over self-defeating thoughts? I've been noticing that I give up on things way too easily, and I can't shake the "I just can't do it" attitude that pops up the minute I hit a bump in the road. One mistake and suddenly everything seems impossible all over again. I know that I am capable of being successful, but it would be a lot easier if I didn't get discouraged so easily.

Even with medication I still have days where I just cannot focus or get any work done no matter how hard I try, and it's really frustrating. How can I get over it and force myself to get things done when this happens? I've tried getting advice on this from people without adhd but it never seems helpful ..."just keep trying" "quit whining and just do it" "nobody wants to do homework, you just gotta learn to suck it up"... (I don't think any of them understand what it's like to start working on a paper and three hours later have nothing to show for it but a blank page with your name across the top, a couple disorganized notes, and a vague idea of a thesis statement...)
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Old 03-22-09, 06:13 AM
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Re: late diagnosis: the aftermath

I'm gonna try and keep this really short... say, under six paragraphs

I've got twice as many years of undiagnosed ADD/HD as you... never thought I would brag about that!... lol

I have heard of people being much more successful than I have been, either once they started meds or just because they got a diagnosis and had something to pin all their troubles on.

I've tried four different meds now for add/hd, even this current one... I'm not really sure it works... I don't know how to tell.

I have my good days and bad days also, just like you... whether I'm on or off a med.

Right now, for example... I'm taking a weekend break from Concerta... but I'm doing that same thing I've been doing even after taking 64mg of Concerta... not getting things done and staying up too late.

The biggest things that have changed for me... and changed me... have been my outlook on all this, and my expectations.

Although I still have dreams of completing college with a degree and not just because they won't let me in the door anymore.. .. , and I still want to do things like; show up to work on time... everytime!, keep my house clear enough so guests can come in and sit down, have all my bills organized and paid on time... stuff like that..., I understand that I am indeed wanting all this, I am working hard at accomplishing all this, but I will not be able to do it the same way I see most other people do it.

sheeesh! I feel like all my posts are beginning to sound the same!

It has helped me to find people in strategic places who can help me succeed.
At school, that means my counselor, my teachers, and any fellow students I can partner up with to study or do a project with.

At home, that means having my daughter work with me on keeping things straight enough around the house.
We both have been diagnosed with ADD and I feel like we can relate to what's happening.
I also try to enlist the help of friends when necessary... although I really have been quite the hermit over the time of my separation and divorce these last several years. I need to work on getting back out into the world and in touch with my few close friends.

How am I doing... under 6 still?

At work... that means I have had to explain to my co-workers and supervisors what my ADD/HD means in the context of my life and my work.
They already saw some of the positive aspects of it, and they've gradually come around to understand the negative aspects of it and how I still take responsibility for what I do wrong.
Basically, we've learned to work together and accommodate each other in order to make our work environment and the job a good place for all.

It still bugs me sometimes that I fail miserably at certain things, but that feeling passes and I go back to my happy-go-lucky self again.

I have always acknowledged, post-diagnosis, that my issues will not be wholly resolved by medication alone.
I accept that I have to work on undoing certain mind-sets that I have lived with all my life.
It's really great when I can remember all this and feel successful by having that conscious control over myself.

I just have had to learn not to kick my own butt over my mistakes or my inability to meet the rigid constraints of modern society.
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I have no 'deficit' of attention... I pay attention to TOO many things.
I don't have a 'disorder'... My brain works fine the way it is, society just doesn't have room for my unique talents.

=========
I know have a new diagnosis: Attention Difference Display / Happy Dance (ADD/HD)... I think it fits!
=========

Sometimes I worry that if I don't slow down... I'll run my batteries down and won't be able to recharge myself... powered down permanently at such a young age!
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Old 03-22-09, 10:35 AM
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Re: late diagnosis: the aftermath

Time.

That's it, really. It takes awhile to stop looking to others for your own self-worth. Time to make adjustments in how you do stuff so you can do better.

Time is also your enemy. For some, I think one of the best ways to build your confidence is to take on something that means something to you, something you will see as a significant achievement. But do it in a way that does not conflict with the expectations of others. Make sure it's something you really can do. Make sure you make time for it without infringing on time you owe others.

That might mean it will take a long time. That's OK. When it's done you will have something very special to you, and you might hear others saying things like, "I thought he was kind of a ditz, but did you see his ....?"

For others it may be best to look at this with no specific goal in mind. There is no destination. Only the journey. You will go some places that are better, some not. And it will take time.

ZD
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"Normal" refers to a majority view.

If ADHD was more prevalent it would be "normal". It would shape all of society, just as it shapes our individual lives now.

Those with an excessive need for order, consistency and timeliness would face a lifelong struggle. Most of us "normals" would wonder why they don't lighten up and be more open to life's ebb and flow.

"Normal" is a meaningless concept. Reality is what it is. How we choose to deal with it is what defines us.
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Old 03-22-09, 01:28 PM
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Re: late diagnosis: the aftermath

I'm so glad to have found this post here today. I've been feeling really discouraged over some things lately, and the OP put it all out there for me. I think it's helping me to look at it objectively.

On one hand, there's discouragement. I understand that it happens, and I've been here before. On the other hand is tenacity. I've got that in spades - in fact, I think that it's an adhd asset that I read about in Dr. Hallowell's book. It's something I see so much of here, that stubborn unwillingness to give up, and determination to keep moving forward.

poprocksandcoke, I'd imagine that you have that tenacity, probably more than you think you do. For me, the self-defeating thoughts engage when I look at those around me to measure my progress or success. When I can step back and look at my definition of success, I see that it's not all about reaching the end, or attaining that seemingly elusive goal - it's about making each step along the way, because once a goal is reached it's on to the next thing, and the next, and the....

Like Zoom Dude says about there being no destination, only the journey - when I remember that this is my journey, that each step I take is a success, it takes so much of the self-inflicted pressure off. I can even maybe begin to enjoy what I'm doing and open my eyes to the many little successes I experience along the way.

I can so relate to what you're saying about working on a paper for three hours and feeling you have nothing to show for it. I spent eight hours yesterday working on one of my final projects for my photoshop class - as I was working my whole concept began to fall apart. And now I got nothin. Nada.

BUT - in looking at it now, I realize that I found some valuable online resources, got much more familiar with one of the texts we're using, found some tutorials that I can use to help me with my projects, and got a clearer idea of what I don't understand (and made notes about it) so that I can ask my teacher this week. And being ever tenacious, I woke up this morning and did all new sketches, approaching the problem from a totally different angle. This after deciding last night that I would just quit the class. Oh the drama.

I think a lot of it is perspective, time, and being fair with ourselves. We may not be able to change the fact that these things are more challenging and take a lot more determination to complete for us, but we can change the lenses through which we're looking at them.
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Old 03-22-09, 04:24 PM
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Re: late diagnosis: the aftermath

Thanks Novagal and Zoom Dude!
I love it when I see such concise and helpful posts such as yours.
I'll be reading them a couple of time over just to let the meanings sink in.. honestly, I'm not kidding around... I like what you all wrote!
Makes real good sense to me.
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I have no 'deficit' of attention... I pay attention to TOO many things.
I don't have a 'disorder'... My brain works fine the way it is, society just doesn't have room for my unique talents.

=========
I know have a new diagnosis: Attention Difference Display / Happy Dance (ADD/HD)... I think it fits!
=========

Sometimes I worry that if I don't slow down... I'll run my batteries down and won't be able to recharge myself... powered down permanently at such a young age!
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Old 03-22-09, 07:06 PM
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Re: late diagnosis: the aftermath

Quote:
Originally Posted by novagal View Post
BUT - in looking at it now, I realize that I found some valuable online resources, got much more familiar with one of the texts we're using, found some tutorials that I can use to help me with my projects, and got a clearer idea of what I don't understand (and made notes about it) so that I can ask my teacher this week. And being ever tenacious, I woke up this morning and did all new sketches, approaching the problem from a totally different angle. This after deciding last night that I would just quit the class. Oh the drama.
Ha!

I'm so not into drama, but I can so relate.

I'm Mr. Hyperfocus. (Usually on the wrong thing, but that's another story.) What I've learned over the years is to be utterly relentless in my pursuit, but also to keep the big picture in mind. My natural tendency is to way over-think things and try not to deviate from my original course. It rarely works. I've found it's much better to pick a direction but be ready to change course if things don't go quite as planned.

I know that may sound risky to some, maybe even scary. With time I think it leads to not only better success, but better confidence. (Get good enough at it and you can drive people nuts in an entirely new way - turning on a dime in the middle of catastrophe and sprinting in a completely unexpected direction. Just like Novagal did. The drama decreases with experience. )

ZD
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"Normal" refers to a majority view.

If ADHD was more prevalent it would be "normal". It would shape all of society, just as it shapes our individual lives now.

Those with an excessive need for order, consistency and timeliness would face a lifelong struggle. Most of us "normals" would wonder why they don't lighten up and be more open to life's ebb and flow.

"Normal" is a meaningless concept. Reality is what it is. How we choose to deal with it is what defines us.
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Old 03-23-09, 07:22 AM
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Re: late diagnosis: the aftermath

i cannot give you any advice on that, poprocksandcoke, but maybe it helps to say i am the same.

i dont know, i seem to have learned the "art of pessimism" at school i think, as everything went wrong there.

so, whenever somebody says "dont be so pessimistic", i say i am realist, not a pessimist. i hear that if you focus on the stuff you have archived, not the stuff you have failed at, life is easier... and makes future challenges easier, too. may be worth a try. good luck!
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Old 03-23-09, 07:50 AM
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Re: late diagnosis: the aftermath

Quote:
Originally Posted by poprocksandcoke View Post
How do you get over self-defeating thoughts? I've been noticing that I give up on things way too easily, and I can't shake the "I just can't do it" attitude that pops up the minute I hit a bump in the road. One mistake and suddenly everything seems impossible all over again. I know that I am capable of being successful, but it would be a lot easier if I didn't get discouraged so easily.

I have had to work very hard at self defeating thoughts. Much of mine is due to ptsd. However, getting past the thoughts is much the same I would think. Can I share something with you? This is going to sound insane but this is what works for me. I simply refute the thoughts. IE, I cant do it (once) I can do it if I choose to (several times.) How about this one...I am a complete failiure! Lets turn that into "I have the same value and worth intrinsically as everyone else (yup thats what I say, you find the phraseology that works for you.)

I hate myself: I love myself, I love myself, I love myself
No body likes me: not everyone likes everybody, thats life
I'm a jerk: I make mistakes just like all people
ect

Also, I used to keep a rubberband on my wrist and whenever I had self defeating thoughts or words I gave it a good snap. That is how I got over telling everyone sorry for everything I did.

Finally, is 3 for 1 with a twist. This is harder. Get a journal, write 1-3 things per day in it that are positive about you. Memorize some or all. When the negative starts, fight back with your memorized list of positives.

These techniques have changed my life.


Best Wishes,


Song
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Old 03-23-09, 09:02 AM
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Re: late diagnosis: the aftermath

Hello and welcome to the forums!
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Old 03-23-09, 09:07 AM
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Re: late diagnosis: the aftermath

I went until 29 without being diagnosed. I learned some bad coping mechanisms in that time. I also learned that according to others I don't "try hard enough" or "work like I am supposed to".

One thing that has really helped me in all of this is embracing the add and all that comes with it instead of looking at it as a negative. They way I do things may be wrong for others but they aren't for me. I am starting to relearn my ways of doing things and understand that there is no wrong way.

I think when you step back and stop trying to fix yourself the self defeating thoughts start to subside. Remember you can't cure ADD because it is who you are, good and bad.
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Old 03-23-09, 09:12 AM
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Re: late diagnosis: the aftermath

Lots of good responses here.

There's another aspect to consider as well. You may be far more capable than you know. I remember few things in my past, but one that stands out was when I walked out of high school for the last time promising myself NEVER AGAIN would I be subjected to that level of torture. Fifteen years later (still without the benefit of a diagnosis) I finally realized my life was going nowhere and would continue to do so unless something changed.

I decided to go to college. I was desperate. I knew the only way it was going to work was to make it my life mission. I knew I had only one shot at it, so I'd better make it work.

I basically went into hyperfocus mode for four years. Oh god was it painful. Like voluntarily walking back into the torture chamber. But I did it, because I knew I had to. I had no choice.

Now I wonder if knowledge of my ADD would have changed things, maybe guided me on a different path. Probably not. I'm doing now what I'm really wired to do.

The bottom line here is that you can't sell yourself short. Don't listen to what other people tell you you can or can't do. Don't completely shut them out, because insight can come from anywhere. But they don't see the whole picture. Take the time to really know yourself, then trust what you know. Your approach may different, but only you can know what you can do. No one else. Only you.

ZD
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"Normal" refers to a majority view.

If ADHD was more prevalent it would be "normal". It would shape all of society, just as it shapes our individual lives now.

Those with an excessive need for order, consistency and timeliness would face a lifelong struggle. Most of us "normals" would wonder why they don't lighten up and be more open to life's ebb and flow.

"Normal" is a meaningless concept. Reality is what it is. How we choose to deal with it is what defines us.
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Old 03-23-09, 11:03 AM
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Re: late diagnosis: the aftermath

Quote:
Originally Posted by poprocksandcoke View Post
Even with medication I still have days where I just cannot focus or get any work done no matter how hard I try, and it's really frustrating. How can I get over it and force myself to get things done when this happens?
Forget "just do it." I say, "just don't."

I had a day like this yesterday. We went grocery shopping, and then my plan was to come back and photo a bunch of stuff and put it up on ebay. But once I got the groceries unpacked, I sat down for a second to watch the news and I realized there was no way I was going to get anything else done. I'd been going strong for weeks, getting more done on a typical weekend than I would have in two full months unmedicated, but yesterday it just wasn't going to happen.

So I got a blanket, took the new issue of The Sun that I'd just bought at the store, read the whole thing from cover to cover, and then watched Must Love Dogs (which I'd already seen but I'll watch John Cusack read the phone book more than once) and The Holiday (which I'd wanted to see but put off because of an inability to deal with the Cameron Diaz ***** factor; turns out it was really quite good and that Her Royal Skankness was only mildly annoying this time around). Then I went to bed.

And now today, I feel great. We ALL have to recharge our batteries sometimes. One of the things I've noticed about being on meds is that it makes it almost TOO easy to just go all the time. Yesterday was a good reminder for me that I still need to do the things that nourish me - not just read and watch films, but watch the rain, listen to music, play with the dogs, or just sit and think.

I think it's easy to become a "Type A" personality on meds - and who can blame us - there's so much we didn't get done for so long - but I NEVER thought living like that was healthy and I don't want to fall into the trap of being like that now just because the meds make it possible.
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Old 03-23-09, 11:07 AM
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Re: late diagnosis: the aftermath

It's a bummer to learn that diagnosis really doesn't mean the end of your pain eh?

Some practical advice; make sure that your medication is the right one and right dosage. If you aren't seeing some relief from your symptoms, personally I'd go and get that re-asssessed.

However medication only does so much. You still have to learn about different ways of getting yourself organized, motivated, etc. All of this work, on top of everything else you have to do.. yes, you're absolutely right is frustrating and down right annoying.

But consider that 20 years something where you didn't have a name for your frustration. The pain of living in complete ignorance has to be ten times worse than trying to learn a new skill. It was for me.

Consider the advice of non-ADHDers with a grain of salt. Keeping trying new ADHD methods of organizing. Give yourself a little slack if you honestly can only manage to do just one thing. Although you want to accomplish it all today, fight that urge and take small steps.

You will get the hang of this. You will.
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