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  #15511  
Old Yesterday, 10:39 AM
dvdnvwls dvdnvwls is offline
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

Having everything was never what I wanted, and not what I was talking about. Unfortunately it sort of looks like a deliberate misinterpretation when people do this. It's not possible to be thankful for something that isn't there. I was already perfectly aware that money isn't everything etc - it's the type of thing that's easy to say when the problem is someone else's.
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  #15512  
Old Yesterday, 11:38 AM
Jinkla Jinkla is offline
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

quit smoking three months ago through e-cigs, and for whatever reason my throats regularly phlegmy again. google gave me a million reasons why, and i honestly couldn't pick my favourite one
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  #15513  
Old Yesterday, 12:18 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jinkla View Post
quit smoking three months ago
That's freaking awesome man. I'm a big supporter of quitting! July 11th will be 7 years for me.
3 months is amazing! I mean seriously! Well freaking done!

I promise it does get easier!

(((Bro Hug)))
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  #15514  
Old Yesterday, 12:30 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

**POSSIBLE SUICIDE TRIGGERS**

I keep having suicidal'ish thoughts...even though I'm not so sure they're exactly suicidal in nature...nor do I think I'm at risk atm of actually taking any actions.

I also wonder if maybe I shouldn't be posting this here. If it's taboo or something.

But I have a longing for death. For eternal rest. And I think it's stemming from my mother's death.
Death use to be this big huge impossible thing in my life. Something I went well out of my way to avoid thinking about.
But now my mom's died and death is no longer so impossible anymore. Nor is it as scary though either.
There's still a TON of things that scare me about death. It's still impossible...but yet, it's now more inviting to me too. There's a sense of freedom to it. Freedom from this life. Freedom from all pains. Freedom from your past. Freedom from relationships. Freedom from...well everything that consciously or unconsciously kept you down.
And there's a real sense of peace in that to me. Like...an eternal rest. And not the rest I get now...where I toss and I turn and I'm up ever few hours having to use the bathroom.
I mean a SUPER deep, permanent, rest.
And that sounds so lovely to me right now.
Rest.
Deep, undisturbed, rest.

...
It's not that I really want to die...but I do have longings for it. To just go to rest. I do miss my mom Maybe I could even go see her?

It doesn't help that I'm an idiot who's ran out of meds and hasn't seen his pill doc in awhile. It doesn't help I'm feeling a bit depressed. Doesn't help me and my dad aren't getting along real well, and I'm feeling wrecked about it...doesn't help that there's family in town yet again I'm trying to avoid...doesn't help that I can't participate in my weekly support group atm.

/sigh. Things will clear back up...but really some seriously deep permanent rest is quite appealing to me. It calls my soul so.
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  #15515  
Old Yesterday, 01:10 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

(((psychobubbie)))

Why can't you go to support group?

Go get your meds already!

You and your dad not getting along is nothing new. Not likely to change either.
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  #15516  
Old Yesterday, 01:12 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

s psycho, I sent you a PM

And Tigger wants to join in com-purr-ting ADDF's favouritest psychopathetic
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  #15517  
Old Yesterday, 02:38 PM
peripatetic peripatetic is offline
 
 

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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

today would've been his forty-fourth birthday. instead he didn't make it to thirty eight.

rest in peace, dear eshy...i see you, always. xx
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  #15518  
Old Yesterday, 05:10 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

God I feel like I've been through the wringer. Trying to hash out scheduling with principal for like an hour. horrible. Let's cut K, 1, AND 2 music classes to less time with you because of a 10 minute scheduling issue, because others don't feel like having Math at the end of the day. Oh my god. /I/ have to teach classes at the end of the day. I'm not here to take the brunt of everyone's problems, and to get pushed aside when I'm not wanted, I'm here because I wanted to TEACH. If you want a camel, hire a camel. You didn't hire a camel, you hired a TEACHER. I don't care what the subject is, I happen to teach music, I'm still a person with a job and a career and things I'll be expected to accomplish even if I see the kids for far less time. UGH.

Anyways, whatever. That didn't come about.

The solutions my principal suggests for giving me less work though, they sound a lot like the same amount of work, or even sometimes more work, in a shorter amount of time.
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  #15519  
Old Yesterday, 05:24 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

omg, just huge hugs to everyone posting here tonight
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  #15520  
Old Yesterday, 06:46 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

wow. all of the aforementioned makes my sore hand bother seem rather petty.
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  #15521  
Old Yesterday, 11:58 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

I wish I could kick this 'downness'. I hope it passes.
Everything is just soaking in sadness atm. Nothing gives me a break. The internet is all blah and only provides very brief distractions. Eating is no fun...it only adds to the icky feelings within and outside. Movies are a chore, my dad's kids he gets to watch are too much for me to handle.
I had fun last week on a vacation, and now ever since I'm just so tired. I sleep. I wake. I feel tired and depressed and fall back asleep. I wake. I eat. I feel sick. I fall asleep...

And I just so badly want to call my mom right now and to check in with her. Tell her I'm not doing well. Feel her soothing words build a slight bit of encouragement within me. Make plans to do something fun with her soon...build hope within. To go and hangout with her for a couple of hours tonight before she heads to bed.

God damn it. I'm so ******. I'm not ready for this ****.
I don't want to feel this anymore and I can't shake things and I'm just frustrated.

I'll shut up now. I just wish I could get over it.
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  #15522  
Old Today, 07:13 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

Tired, wish I'd slept more, I don't want to deal with my principal being quite frankly an idiot about my schedule again.

He honestly doesn't know what I do with my time. He has never come to see me teach anything except what I co-teach with PE teacher because he can hit 2 birds with one stone there for evaluations. He did not realize after I had worked there for a year, that I teach pull out band lessons for the whole day on Thursday. So I had to explain AND defend that to him when he found out, as his immediate instinct was why are you doing that? Cuz, apart from other things, it's my job! Hello! It's what you hired me to do. He also didn't realize that I teach general music all day on Tuesday, and I see all of the grades so all of those classes need to be scheduled in somehow or other (especially because YOU my friend declared that PreK must have specialists.) It's not a hard concept. Do some research before you eff the **** out of my schedule.

He also forgot, even though he "discovered" this last year, that I teach Kindergarten, 1st, and 2nd grade music for 2 half hour blocks in the week, so I see them twice but for shorter classes.

He doesn't want the PE teacher and I to co-teach the classes that we do. He says that's a luxury, but he also says that if we don't co-teach them, and if I just teach the classes by myself, I'll have less work because the PE teacher will have more prep. What the ******* **** are you talking about.

I'm really totally disgusted with the things that he is so unaware of and the problems he's putting on my lap, even though he says he's not putting them there, and the not-solutions he's coming up with. He's telling me that I need to have less work, and then cutting up my prep blocks into little useless pieces because other teachers (who many agree are stubborn and being really impossible to work with) complain and complain. One in particular, we got 2 weeks into the school year this year, and he came to me and told me the specialist schedule needed to change because it didn't work with his schedule. ZERO regard for the fact that if the specialist schedule changed, I see every single class in the school, so that would probably also affect at least 2 other classroom teachers, not to mention all the special ed teachers tied to those grades, who then would have to change their schedules for their other classes as well. BUT, the principal, who should be the one putting his foot down on this nonsense, seems completely oblivious to these types of things as well, he seems to just listen to whatever people say without looking into whether it makes sense.

It's also ridiculous that my first year, everyone complained about the schedule being one way, and the problems it created, so I completely revamped the schedule with input from the classroom teachers, AND THERE WERE FEWER PROBLEMS but no one of course brought that up to anyone else, and the principal has totally forgotten or is completely unaware of this, and the work that I did on it, and now people are complaining that they want the thing that the schedule used to provide (having prep times at the same time as other teachers so they can do team planning stuff). It's ridiculous, the short-term memory, that don't realize that you can't also have consistency in the schedule if you have prep at the same time as other grades. Don't complain to me that your schedule isn't consistent when you LITERALLY ASKED ME TO MAKE IT NOT CONSISTENT. Don't complain to me that you don't have prep time with other teachers when YOU ASKED ME TO MAKE THE SCHEDULE CONSISTENT. And the principal just laps up all of these ridiculous ******* complaints and then comes to me and says I need to turn everything upside down, cut classes, make other ones longer, lose prep time, IT'S ******* RIDICULOUS and it makes me lose so much respect for him.

I hate it when people do things that make me lose their respect. You're my boss, and I want to respect you, you helped create this monster that is my job by not understanding what the job was in the first place.

If I was him, I would approach this with all the information at my fingertips, not all the complaints people have about everyone else, but everyone's actual needs and what they currently are doing. I would not leave some crazy incomprehensible schedule up in the conference room (nobody understands it) and then tell people that they need to have input in and a draft created by Thursday when people on your staff (specialist teachers) who are critical because they teach the whole school, don't even work in our building on Tuesday and Wednesday and have no opportunity to get an explanation. I make sure that people understand information that I'm giving them before they give comments. I'm very thorough and I would be on this if I was him too, this is a time where that is more than appropriate. I would have put out something out that was legible. I would NOT have left up huge pieces of paper for people to write and comment on current scheduling in a public way because let me tell you, I ******* resent people writing down things about how they think MY schedule should be when they literally have no idea what I do or what my needs are. I just talked to someone yesterday who didn't realize I see all the classes on Tuesday, which has been how the schedule has always been for music, but she is buried in her own world of only her class. She was like..."oooh I didn't realize that...I see..."...in their ignorance, people make comments and suggestions about issues, but the principal is treating them as still valid even after those SAME people see that that comment doesn't make sense because of XYZ reason.

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  #15523  
Old Today, 07:58 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

ACK I never eat lunch at my desk; but bought lunch for my boss and then I didnt want to go back outside so I got my own lunch to go.
And they are painting the wing of this floor being remodeled and it now smells like PAINT and it kind of ruined the taste of the goat's cheese in my little summer pasta salad.
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