I'm just so sick and tired with life

[Don Draper]

DISCLAIMER: NOT SUICIDAL

Hey everyone. I was going to write a background on me, my history, my diagnoses, what I have struggled with, etc., but I just don't have the energy. That's not to say I want a pity party, because I don't. That won't help anything. Maybe just some advice from you guys would be appreciated greatly. I'll give you guys a CliffNotes version of what got me posting in a depression forum.

-All my life~ I struggled heavily with OCD
-Beginning of my freshman year in high school~ Began showing signs of social anxiety and isolation, along with ADD
-Sophomore year in high school~ Diagnosed with OCD; prescribed Prozac
-Junior year in high school~ I didn't have friends to eat with at lunch, so I ate in the bathroom from September-Winter Break, when my parents found out
-Junior year in high school~ Get diagnosed with MDD and prescribed Abilify to compliment the Prozac; prescribed Focalin
-Junior year in high school~ Able to concentrate for the first time, I earn straight A's and begin to see signs of improvement, including sitting with random people at lunch, although that was a little saddening
-Summer going into senior year~ Depression creeping back in a little again, so I think it's a good idea to snort Focalin and get caught because I sent a video of it to someone I was friends with in middle school saying it was coke, because for some reason, in my idiotic mind, that would make him like me
-Summer going into senior year~ Get put in a teenage day program, show increasing signs of depression
-Summer going into senior year~ Attempt to kill myself, fail
-Summer going into senior year~ Get put in a hospital, then transferred to a residential treatment center
-Should be in senior year~ I show marked improvements with depression with a new concoction of medicines, and my doctor even trusts me enough to re-prescribe me Focalin, as I do have ADD and she assumed that I did not have a substance abuse problem, rather I was just looking for attention
-April of senior year~ Return home, am accepted to the University of Delaware, and get my high school diploma from an online program
-Summer going into freshman college~ Very happy, lose 30 pounds
-Fall of freshman college~ Very happy, earn a 3.25 GPA for the fall and one month January course I take. I live at home because I am still readjusting.
-February 2016~ Move into dorms: everything goes south




If you read that lengthy briefing I appreciate it. Now to my present day problems. I feel awful, I'm very sad, I don't sleep until 4 some days and then sleep for 15 hours the next. While I never missed a college class the previous 5 months, I have skipped numerous ones this semester, and my grades are awful, I'm looking at finishing with a 2.67 GPA. Because I had abused it in the past, my medicine was locked up and was given to me each day, now I have a whole week's worth and I blow through it in 3 or 4 days- and it has no effect. I'm just so tired of everything. I ended up snitching on my roommate after two weeks for smoking marijuana because I'm selfish and wanted the room to myself, thinking that would be better. It was the worst thing I could do. I seriously might not talk to a single person for the whole day, outside of maybe 5-10 minutes on the phone with my dad. I have no friends here, and am eating by myself at the dining hall. 24 hours in a day, and I spend 5-10 minutes of it actually talking with someone. I just feel terrible, and my therapist is an @sshole. Can anyone else relate to what's been going on with me, and offer any advice? I appreciate anyone who took the time to read this, regardless of whether or not you reply.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by Don Draper

DISCLAIMER: NOT SUICIDAL

Hey everyone. I was going to write a background on me, my history, my diagnoses, what I have struggled with, etc., but I just don't have the energy. That's not to say I want a pity party, because I don't. That won't help anything. Maybe just some advice from you guys would be appreciated greatly. I'll give you guys a CliffNotes version of what got me posting in a depression forum.

-All my life~ I struggled heavily with OCD
-Beginning of my freshman year in high school~ Began showing signs of social anxiety and isolation, along with ADD
-Sophomore year in high school~ Diagnosed with OCD; prescribed Prozac
-Junior year in high school~ I didn't have friends to eat with at lunch, so I ate in the bathroom from September-Winter Break, when my parents found out
-Junior year in high school~ Get diagnosed with MDD and prescribed Abilify to compliment the Prozac; prescribed Focalin
-Junior year in high school~ Able to concentrate for the first time, I earn straight A's and begin to see signs of improvement, including sitting with random people at lunch, although that was a little saddening
-Summer going into senior year~ Depression creeping back in a little again, so I think it's a good idea to snort Focalin and get caught because I sent a video of it to someone I was friends with in middle school saying it was coke, because for some reason, in my idiotic mind, that would make him like me
-Summer going into senior year~ Get put in a teenage day program, show increasing signs of depression
-Summer going into senior year~ Attempt to kill myself, fail
-Summer going into senior year~ Get put in a hospital, then transferred to a residential treatment center
-Should be in senior year~ I show marked improvements with depression with a new concoction of medicines, and my doctor even trusts me enough to re-prescribe me Focalin, as I do have ADD and she assumed that I did not have a substance abuse problem, rather I was just looking for attention
-April of senior year~ Return home, am accepted to the University of Delaware, and get my high school diploma from an online program
-Summer going into freshman college~ Very happy, lose 30 pounds
-Fall of freshman college~ Very happy, earn a 3.25 GPA for the fall and one month January course I take. I live at home because I am still readjusting.
-February 2016~ Move into dorms: everything goes south




If you read that lengthy briefing I appreciate it. Now to my present day problems. I feel awful, I'm very sad, I don't sleep until 4 some days and then sleep for 15 hours the next. While I never missed a college class the previous 5 months, I have skipped numerous ones this semester, and my grades are awful, I'm looking at finishing with a 2.67 GPA. Because I had abused it in the past, my medicine was locked up and was given to me each day, now I have a whole week's worth and I blow through it in 3 or 4 days- and it has no effect. I'm just so tired of everything. I ended up snitching on my roommate after two weeks for smoking marijuana because I'm selfish and wanted the room to myself, thinking that would be better. It was the worst thing I could do. I seriously might not talk to a single person for the whole day, outside of maybe 5-10 minutes on the phone with my dad. I have no friends here, and am eating by myself at the dining hall. 24 hours in a day, and I spend 5-10 minutes of it actually talking with someone. I just feel terrible, and my therapist is an @sshole. Can anyone else relate to what's been going on with me, and offer any advice? I appreciate anyone who took the time to read this, regardless of whether or not you reply.

I can identify with alot of what you said on two fronts. I myself have had my share of impatient,PHP and IOP stays at institutions. I was untreated bipolar until my 20's so my teen years really blew. I was never good at consistency with class attendance in college. Honestly, the only good thing was that I met and married my husband when I was 20, had a baby and barely made it through and ended up with a degree that I never use, because I am on disability and have three kids.
I am an alcoholic- in recovery.
I was also on a med roller coaster in the early days of treatment.
Failed suicide attempts, self mutilation, my own worst enemy.

I do like being around people that I love. I was always afraid of being lonely.

Now, my youngest is now almost 13.
Very large swings in mood. Cries very easily. Smart and insightful but afraid of things she cant control.
Being late upsets here, worrying that her mom will forget to get something that she needs for school upsets her.
Shes a gamer and an artist.
She is full of self doubt.
Last year, she began to get quiet- not in an insightful way, in an isolation way.
Stayed in her room a lot, preferred being alone. Had trouble with kids in school- she wasnt bullied but she cant wrap her mind around kids who break rules or who are cruel.
Was always just chilling in the dark, watching something on some device-and became very school-deterred.
Began to hurt herself and told me, and felt guilty. Talked about suicide. The pinnacle was last year when she said that she contemplated an overdose. And we found the best inpatient place for kids here age.
They got her stable on meds, she transitioned to PHP and IOP. She didnt finish the year out in school.
This year she is a different kid, allows herself to feel joy, has better coping skills.

The list goes on. I say this because I believe you need inpatient help-at a good place, not any old place that takes your insurance.
Substance abuse is a danger zone, and very dangerous. It doesnt matter what the susbtance is. In your case its focaling. Stimulant abuse can make you more obsessive and focused on all the wrong stuff.

I feel strongly that inpatient help will get your meds stabilized, and help you learn effective skills, and hopefully match you up with a decent therapist and support team.
Tell your dad.
Keep your chin up.
You are not alone.

[Don Draper]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I can identify with alot of what you said on two fronts. I myself have had my share of impatient,PHP and IOP stays at institutions. I was untreated bipolar until my 20's so my teen years really blew. I was never good at consistency with class attendance in college. Honestly, the only good thing was that I met and married my husband when I was 20, had a baby and barely made it through and ended up with a degree that I never use, because I am on disability and have three kids.
I am an alcoholic- in recovery.
I was also on a med roller coaster in the early days of treatment.
Failed suicide attempts, self mutilation, my own worst enemy.

I do like being around people that I love. I was always afraid of being lonely.

Now, my youngest is now almost 13.
Very large swings in mood. Cries very easily. Smart and insightful but afraid of things she cant control.
Being late upsets here, worrying that her mom will forget to get something that she needs for school upsets her.
Shes a gamer and an artist.
She is full of self doubt.
Last year, she began to get quiet- not in an insightful way, in an isolation way.
Stayed in her room a lot, preferred being alone. Had trouble with kids in school- she wasnt bullied but she cant wrap her mind around kids who break rules or who are cruel.
Was always just chilling in the dark, watching something on some device-and became very school-deterred.
Began to hurt herself and told me, and felt guilty. Talked about suicide. The pinnacle was last year when she said that she contemplated an overdose. And we found the best inpatient place for kids here age.
They got her stable on meds, she transitioned to PHP and IOP. She didnt finish the year out in school.
This year she is a different kid, allows herself to feel joy, has better coping skills.

The list goes on. I say this because I believe you need inpatient help-at a good place, not any old place that takes your insurance.
Substance abuse is a danger zone, and very dangerous. It doesnt matter what the susbtance is. In your case its focaling. Stimulant abuse can make you more obsessive and focused on all the wrong stuff.

I feel strongly that inpatient help will get your meds stabilized, and help you learn effective skills, and hopefully match you up with a decent therapist and support team.
Tell your dad.
Keep your chin up.
You are not alone.

I really appreciate your comments, but I was in in-patient for 8 months, no way I'm going back to that. I'm not suicidal, and it would kill my family. I've just got to keep my head up.

[Little Nut]

FWIW DD I read it all. When I think "What would I do in that situation?" I honestly draw a blank for useful ideas. Upon reading Sarah's response, it seems like a pretty good response to my question of "what to do". Best Wishes, Tom (aka LN)

[Grace992]

Don, i read thru your post and was left feeling nothing but compassion for the loneliness you must feel at times. I was mostly withdrawn and anxious growing up in high school and college. thought it was just shyness - later found out it was depression and social anxiety (not saying that's the case in your situation) just no you are not alone in feeling that way. in those moments when you do feel the weight of isolation and loneliness I would offer this advice.. Jesus is right there with you in the darkness and the loneliness. He loves and cares for you and is waiting for you right now to reach out to Him, tell Him how you feel and that you want His help. It took me 40 years to figure that out, I pray you get to know Jesus sooner than that.

Many prayers!
Grace992

[bluejay14]

I read it all. I'm sorry you're in such a bad place right now. It sounds awful.
Would moving back home be an option? Would that be a better environment for you if you're able to be honest with your family and tell them you're not coping where you are? If they're supportive, I think you need to talk to them and ask for help.
You can find a way through this, the fact that you're here asking for help/advice is a positive step.