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Non-ADD Partner Support This is a support forum for non-ADD partners, spouses, and significant others offering feedback from both the ADD and non-ADD perspectives

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  #1  
Old 08-24-04, 09:01 PM
falling falling is offline
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need advice

hi - i am new to the forum and i was dating someone who had ADD and he broke up with me a few months ago. it was very sudden and was a total surprise. this is after dating for a year an a half. we actually got along very well but we had an incident in which he was not faithful. it seemed like we were going to make it as we stayed together for six months after that but then out of no where he broke up with me and said it was a mind thing and that he had too many things going on with work and that it was hard for him to give me the time he felt i deserved. i was fine with his dedication to his work and felt like it was an excuse to distance himself.
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Old 08-25-04, 11:58 AM
Glinda Glinda is offline
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Hi Falling,
If I'm following you correctly, you broke up a few months ago. I wonder if there's something new that's going on for you now? I'm not clear on what advice you're looking for, but this is a great place to find lots of helpful and supportive people...
Welcome,
C.
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Old 08-25-04, 01:36 PM
Connie Connie is offline
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I'm not sure how much help I can be as I am a woman with ADD. I too abruptly left a 3 year relationship. My leaving was a total surprise even to me. Some people with ADD work on impulses. For me, impulses are like the urge to do something (no thought behind it) and I just do it. Most of the time I look back and wander why I acted on the impulse or what made me have the impulse to begin with. I can't explain it except that I have never been able to control them and most of the time they don't make any sense. Also, some people with ADD have low self esteem problems and hide behind emotional walls that are created to protect them from the hurt that others can cause if they know them too well. This was also my case. I never really understood myself and the emotional and physical aspects that ADD can cause. I'm not sure what this guy is really like but my guess (if he really loved and cared for you) is that he may have acted on an impulse triggered by the fear of someone getting close to him and he in return becoming vulnerable. His low self esteem could have led him away thinking you didn't deserve to be cheated on and you could do better. When he says it's a mind thing - it truly can be, it is for me. The best way I know how to describe it is like a tornado constantly churning inside your mind, emotions that you don't understand, thoughts that make no sense, concentrating on trying to focus on your life only to find that you can't, not understanding and unable to communicate your feelings, emotions, internal struggles, and thoughts. I find myself almost in turmoil with myself, always fighting mentally, wanting to be relaxed and calm but my mind won't let me. Unless you live with it everyday - I just don't think you can understand what it's like. If you still have contact with him and are interested in ADD, read Driven to Distraction - it's full of info.
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Old 08-25-04, 08:55 PM
falling falling is offline
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need advice

thank you for your responses, i really appreciate your response regarding how it feels to have ADD. After our breakup i was very upset and i let him know it too and refused to be friends, but later i felt badly and contacted him as i wanted to be friends. i actually would love to get back together as i think he really did care for me and i do care for him; its possible that his unfaithfulness was done on impulse as we spent a good amount of time getting to know one another as friends before we started dating for about 3 years. But it wasn't until we were dating that he told me of his ADD. I guess the advice i was hoping to get is what would be the best way to show him that i still care and that if he wanted to revisit our relationship that i would be open but if he only wants to be friends that this is fine too. I just want to be as sensitive as i can be with him as i wasn't when we broke up suddenly and i know now that the way i reacted might have made him upset as well and i don't want him to be upset.
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Old 08-26-04, 11:19 AM
biker biker is offline
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Being a guy and having ADD I thought I would chime in. The advice you have already received is great. I would tell him exactly what you told us about how you feel. I know when I dated or flirted I did not pick up social clues very well. My low self esteem kept me from finding out how someone felt unless the essentially came out and told me. I think the straight forward approach is the best way.

There are quite a few different reasons why he could have broken up with you. I will spare you that because he is the only one who can tell you why he did break up with you. Good luck and keep us posted.
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