Newcomer asks Do you women with ADD ever feel in control?

[adina1]

Hi everyone!
I am new to the boards. It has been so nice reading some of your messages and relating. I have had major organization and focusing issues all my life, and have read every self-help book on time management, procrastination, perfectionism, being more efficient, etc. I finally realized (to my relief) that it is possibly ADD.
I am starting some therapy next week, and am excited to finally be able to do something to change my life.
I just wanted to know from other women out there, do you get at a point where you FINALLY feel in control and proactive as opposed to always running around putting out fires because of procrastinating or getting stuck so long?
It is so hard to constantly feel like a failure at the end of each day and wake up with anxiety of not wasting another day.
Any common experiences. Thanks so much for you time.

[gabriela]

do i ever feel in control?

well, yes, i do, sometimes (thanks to wonderful friends, a great doctor, efexor and concerta), but most of the time i'm just sort of "going with the flow" - i'm still trying to get my life together (i e to work at least *somewhat* smoothly at least *some* of the time)...

that may not sound very "promising", and it's probably *not* what you want to hear, but it's actually a *huge* improvement from what my "life" *used* to be like: before i was diagnosed (adhd, add and asperger syndrome - almost three years ago), *everything* was absolute chaos - *all* of the time...

[adina1]

Thanks for your reply.
Good for you gabriela that you were able to improve so much. Change is certainly not an easy thing. do you think these boards helped? For an ADD person, they can be quite addicting if you do not put time limits. I already spent 2 hours browsing (yikes!) rather than doing what I was "supposed" to do.
Thanks.

[Energizer_Bunny]

Hi Adina

You speak about control.....I am not sure if I can explain this or not very well but will try. I have the need to be in control or even be controlling. If I am at work and I am put on the spot, I am not in control and therefore I do not handle things well. If I am at work and go to someone and know at that point I am in total control of the situation, then it is a different story. The same with talking to people, driving, and just every day things in life. I also find that I am very competitive. Trust me, when I play Monoply, I play to win!!!!!!! It is not just a game for me it is a TROPHY!!!!

But on the other hand I feel so out of control in many areas of my life. I think I would rather use the word overwhelmed. Especially in areas of my budget, bill paying and checking my mail, and just normal average daily things!!!!

[Jellybean]

I feel in control on a deep level as I don't ever feel I could lose myself, I feel strong about my coping abilities. But... I feel out of control in that I feel like I am most always forgetting something and never caught up in chores and stuff I should be doing. Does this make sense to oyhers?

[paulbf]

This is another good opportunity to recommend the book Women With ADD by Sari Solden

[OUCourtney]

Like others have written, I feel the need to be controlling in certain situations of my life.... this makes me feel like I have some control over my life... (hardly true, but it makes me feel better!). I have reached some area of "peace" with my ADD. With my medication and some adapted coping skills, I feel like I can succeed in my daily activities and interactions; but when I get home, I'm so tired and mentally exhausted that it is hard to keep up this great focus! Medication (Strattera, Adderall, and Lexapro) helps alot with my attention although some of the side effects sometimes makes me rethink my treatment path (the medicine increases my tics alot and gives me gas at night LOL (which bothers me more than my husband)... very very frustrating, but in the end, the benefits out-weigh the side effects). It is definitely a work in progress!

My advice is to find a doctor that specializes in adult ADD treatment. Not everyone choses to take the medication route.... they would rather try therapy and other solutions, which is fine. But if your ADD is a bad as mine, medication may be the route to try (so far, nothing else has worked for me). Being on medication and having ADD is nothing to be ashamed of. Even though many times it makes us feel out of control in many aspects of your life, it is what makes us who we are. So many people with ADD are known for their brilliance and creative ideas!

Best wishes... keep us updated on what is going on!

[adina1]

Thanks so much for all your replies. It's so nice to get feedback from others who understand. I actually wrote a long reply here yesterday, & somehow it just got erased-very frustrating, oh well.

Where I feel the least in control is in my home. Every morning for the past 6 years, I wake up with anxiety, hoping to make that day a productive one. One which I will feel proud of myself that I accomplished something. Instead, most days I just feel guilt & like a total failure.

Just like energizer_bunny & jellybean said, I feel overwhelmed to the point I never know where to start, so I think of all the options, and just get more overwhelmed, and basically procrastinate until the very last milisecond where I run like a madwoman and maybe get some of it done. Basically, it is chaos. No consistency, no routine, constant disappointment.

I have 2 little girls (ages 2 & 4), and I don't want them to grow up with a mommy that can't get it together. When you can't do the basic daily stuff, you get stuck and can't move ahead to the other more important things in life.

My husband is even starting to harbor some resentment, which hurts so much, because I don't mean to hurt him. I told him many times that I feel more frustrated with what I do more than he does and I need help. He just says he feels so frustrated and cannot live with the chaos, coming from a super organized, routine-type household.

As a stay at home mom, if you can't even manage your home and your kids, then what do you do? I actually really enjoy working, and love it when I get some momentum, but then I hyperfocus (get stuck on unimportant details), and forget the big picture. The result is then the same-a lot of work, but the important obvious things still not done. I just can't deal with an entire day of unstructured time.

Since I have read every time management book there is, I have definitely improved in many areas, but still lack the structure & focus to get me forward.

I feel like life is like those dreams where you try & try to run, but you can't.

Does anyone else have similar feelings? That is what I meant when I asked if you ever finally feel in control. I think I will go crazy if I keep living like this.

This Wed., I am seeing a psychologist who specializes in ADD. so we'll see what happens. I will keep you all updated.

By the way, thanks paulbf-I will definitely check out that Solden book.

Thanks everyone.

[paulbf]

Oh yeah, that's the toughest thing to set a schedule & get things done at home alone all day! Sounds easy & laid back but it's pure torture in the real world.

[willowmyst]

I can totally relate to your feelings! Endless days of waking up hopeful that today will be different, that I will be productive, not just "busy". Then endless nights of feeling discouraged and worthless because I couldn't get even one thing completed, in fact, even added to the chaos. Always wondering "What is WRONG with me?"

The only times I feel in control and/or proactive is when I'm faced with a family or friend's crisis.When someone else asks for help with the day to day things because of illness, death, personal problems, I function on a totally different level. It can even carry over to my life for a short period of time, but never lasts long and the vicious cycle begins anew.

Somehow, putting a name to it and finding others in the same boat has helped me emotionally...hasn't eliminated the chaos...but I don't beat my self up about it so much anymore. One thing that has helped me, personally, is eliminating my daily "to do" lists. Not that I don't have notes to remind me of meetings, appointments, groceries needed, etc. I think the list making gave me a sense of control at the time I was making it, but I had such LENGTHY daily lists that they just set me up for disappointment. When I started to feel overwhelmed I would take a vacation day to try to catch up. Like Paul said, sounds easy, but for me, not do-able. I'd think of all the things I could get done if I just had more time, but it never, EVER works for me. At this point in time I need to baby-step it, set more realistic goals for myself. So far, it seems to be helping. Now if I follow thru one small task to completion in a day, it's a minor victory for me. And I'm talking SMALL tasks. Just doing the dishes without leaving "soakers" overnight is a cause for celebration.

After living 50 years like this, I have no illusions that things are going to change in a big way anytime soon. But now I seem to be OK with it. I'm sure I will uncover new coping skills over time from different sources. Some will work for me, others won't. But I'll keep forging ahead. The one thing I refuse to do, is allow this to control my life anymore. Perhaps that's my age speaking, but I don't want to miss a moment of the good things in life anymore. My "busy-ness" rarely resulted in any accomplishments, but it did deny me and my family of the simple pleasures in life. NO MORE!!!!

[rottndobelover]

I have a diagnosis of obsessive compulsive as well as the ADHD and it is hard for me to deal with the 2 together. I maintain pretty well, as long as the meds maintain. When I need a change in meds I personally start to feel out of control and try to overcompensate to control the stuff around me. The one disorder has me running crazy while the other is kicking in making me want to run crazy exactly the same way every day.