Women with ADD - Friendships are hard...

[patgjp]

I am a 44-year-old woman who is ADHD. I am on 150mg of Wellbutrin SR, 1 tablet of natural estrogen, and ¼ teaspoon of progesterone cream daily. My dad has depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and obsessive-compulsive disorder, off and on through his life. He also drinks beer daily. My Grandfather (my Dad’s Dad) was on lithium and drank alcohol daily. No one in the family either knew or talked about why Grandpa was on it. Rumors are that he would go on spending sprees and then my Grandmother and some of his family members would institutionalize him. One thing is for sure about families… denial, denial denial.

I need support from family and friends. My family is none! See…in a family with “chemical deficiencies” their may be many problems with all of us. One may be obsessive compulsive with Bipolar and another may be ADD and the other may be something else. Throw on top of that control issues and forget it! I have read much on the computer and a few books about this “family inheritance” and it encourages me to let people know about it… they say to explain to them about it, so they can be “more understanding”…I’m here to tell you DON’T tell friends or your job! No one, yes no one! Unless they have ever experienced it for themselves they will NEVER….. understand. When you are in a bad, sad or good mood they will label you.

I am easy to talk to and a fun loving young woman. I have had trouble with keeping friendships “I feel I may say the wrong thing at the wrong time” and do…I then get worried and notice a difference in their behavior to me. Instead of talking to them about it (because when I do, they say NO… NOTHING is wrong…I then start to back off from the relationship. I am ssooooo uncomfortable wondering what I have done wrong that I feel it is best to just back off, call less, be busy. I have worked on this for such a long time and have gotten NO place with it. I’m tired of all the thoughts going through my head on what I must of said and feeling like a bad person because of it. Having ADHD/Chemical imbalance is exhausting!!! I have tried the “Adult ADD support group for 7 months only to hear about what illegal drugs they did in the old days and do now. Did you ever go to an adult meeting for ADD-ADHD we all talk at the same time? Lol. In some ways I have evolved greatly and in other ways I am so frustrated and uncomfortable with people.I would like to say I have a great job and I am appreciated very much at it. I have an easy to talk to hardworking, handsome husband of 24 years. I have no children by choice. I /we did not want to pass this on to our children. My siblings’ children, 5 out of 6 have inherited it also. I will encourage you (who ever) to be your best self as much as you can and understand that we will have our good weeks and our bad. It is very lonely sometimes when you are chemically imbalanced and extremely frustrating.

[Draga]

I have a had time dealing with people even my family,...It's always hard wehen even family dont understand. But as far as not telling anyone...I don't care myself...It helps to weed out the ones who are my true friends(the ones that understand and stay friends reguardless). People come and go but family and true friends are constant. On the job, I had to let them know cause medication wise and for those who did not understand and always criticize me for being the way I am...I look them square in the face and tell them too pick up a book and read about my conditions and then come back and criticize.

Honestly, Shugga, Never ever be ashamed or afraid to admit who you are or what you have...It is inherited and passed on to you....it did not fall in your lap cause u wanted this so their is no shame in the game. Only if you let them make you ashamed...Just my two cents hun.

[AntyNet]

I understand where you are coming from. There's a lot to go into, but basically I live in the "perfection" family. Unless I was doing something great and wonderful, I did not get attention.

With family, you are mearly a victim of circumstance. I know that probably sounds cold to a lot of you fortunate people born of wonderful parents and siblings...but its something I believe.

Maybe that's why I haven't told my parents I have ADHD.

-Anty

[Draga]

I know what ya mean there too, It's like you have to be perfect like a robot and it's an immortal sin to make mistakes...I grew up in that kinda house..I just rebeled*evil grin*

[triple*eee]

I don't make friends easy either. I'm always wondering, 'Am I saying something stupid? , Why don't they call me more often??.

I'm not good at small talk. (made dating miserable!! ) Thankfully my husband is a talker and when we were dating made it much easier.

I would say I only have 2 close friends and we only get together once or twice a month.

Denise

[Onwari]

Pat, I know what your saying....I really do. I hear stories upon stories about my Dad's side of the family. I have ADHD and I inherited from Dad. The stories about Dad's side of the family are exiting! They are fun people in my opinion.

My Mom says listening to me is exiting. Sad sometimes...maddening sometimes....crazy at times...then she is like...where is Dani? There is no exitement this week. I am worried about her. Where is she? Then my Mom say's it happens all over again. I have apologized to her more than once. She always replies, "Now what would life be like without Dani?"

And like Triple. I feel like people think I am weird. I don't make friends easy at all. When I talk it seems like I am weird. No, the people I am talking to are weird! Right? Right!

I have more, but this is just a sample.

[Hopeless]

I have a hard time making friends, especially female friends. I don't even know why. Its like people like me at first and then they start to not call or not want to hang out.

When I was in elementary school, Id wonder why none of the girls wanted to be my friend. My mom would always say its because I was a "leader" not a "follower". And she was kind of right. (Shes ADD too) I did not like the little cliques and the whispering and secrets, snobbery and all the stuff little girls do.

And you know what? Most adult women are still like that. Probably why I don't have many female friends. My best friend is an ADD female and shes the most real person I know.

Trust me, there are great people out there. They are just harder to find than not. But you'll know who they are when you discover them.

When I become friends with someone, I don't usually tell them Im ADD until were established as friends. And maybe I dont tell them. Real friends like you just the way you are. And then when I finally tell my friends, theyre like, "Duh? I already figured.."

[rottndobelover]

I have exactly 2 good friends and alot of aquaintences. My friends understand and help me cope with it, the rest of the people deal with me in small doses. It's ok with me though. I tend to get frustrated and sometimes when I get really bad, I wonder why people even bother to come around if their going to be uncomfortable.

[curious]

From my experience, a lot of times after 'we' finish talking to someone, no matter who it was and how big the talk was, tend to think too much about what we said and have this feeling of saying too much or saying something out of place. I've experienced it, I've heard about it, and now I see it again. So I try to tell myself every time I go to thinking that, that's that what always happens, and usually it's just my own private feeling which is based on nothing in reality, really. And that just as well might be the case with you too, especially that you said that the people you asked say themselves there's nothing wrong. I could be wrong, but I also could be right, can't I?

But what really stood out for me in you message (and that means Patjpg, if I remember the last 3 letters correctly) is the fact that you didn't want to have children because it didn't want to pass it on to them. And another thing I've learned (through very good friends) is that if you don't make such a big deal out of it, others won't either. Most people don't know so much about ADD anyway, and besides, the way I've worked it out is that my faults are my faults, and if sometimes I behave a certain way I say "I am like that", because it's true, it does'nt really matter if it's ADD or some other gene, it's still me and how I behave. You yourself said many things that make you a great person, so how can you not want kids that would have your qualities? we all have our faults! I still don't have any, but one these days I will, and yes, having ADD can be problematic sometimes, but a lot of other people have personal faults, physical faults, I don't really know one person who's 100% happy with the things they were born with. But you see, if you have so many good qualities, ADD is a part of what makes you who you are. And I truly believe that. And I'm really sorry if I sound like I'm trying to educate you or something, because I really don't, but I was just trying to bring some things from my point of view.

cheers!

[Kathi]

I'm right there with you. I'm 43 and just got diagnosed with adhd. I have an 8 yr old daughter with adhd and a huband who is add. I now understand why I have had problems making and keeping friends. And, like you i was always wondering what I did to make someone back off from me. I really hate that it took me this long to figure it all out. I am on adderal and it's making the biggest difference in the way I handle myself in all aspects of my life. I'm not screaming and yelling at my daughter, which is definiatly not how to deal with an adhd child. My relationship with my husband is much better and life in general is alot better. I'm able to get things done and I just feel better .
I found this forum and I knew God led me to it. I read all the stories and it's amazing, I feel like I'm reading about myself.
Please email me and we'll chat...thanks/Kathi

[bunnystar]

It's weird, I have a lot of friends, I appear to be very social, but I don't really feel a connection with most any of them. I feel like a faker most of the time, or that I am searching for humanity so much that I force myself to be this social butterfly looking for human contact, some connection and understanding, but I often am left feeling empty, detatched, or uninvolved although it appears that we have a "friendship". I have always been this way, even as a little kid.

[Garry]

I have many aquaintances, but only 3 or 4 real friends.


opps wrong area ....... sorry .......

[bunnystar]

That's how I am too. (hahaha, I think it should be okay for you to post in this area!)

Originally Posted by Garry Lawton

I have many aquaintances, but only 3 or 4 real friends.


opps wrong area ....... sorry .......

[janesays]

It's really hard to make friends. I never can give good feedback to people. My mind is always blank when I try to respond to people. I think, I think too much when it comes to basic human interaction. Except for those whom I have already grown close to and they think I'm really great but they don't understand why I'm not happier and don't have more friends.

[pembroke]

omg- another topic where I feel part of the group. I don't have a lot of friends; don't make them easily. And that little inner demon is always wondering if I said or did the wrong thing, and while I know I am not interesting enough to hold everyone's attention 24/7, I always end up wondering if they are talking about the last stupid thing (in my mind) I did. It always makes me feel alienated and like I'm moving in a bad dream.