Need advice from women with ADD about dating guys with ADD

[AbnormalJeremy]

I was wondering if the women on this forum rather would go out with guy with ADD or a "norm"? I feel If I can find a woman with ADD that we will be able to understand each other better, any input would be appreciated

[Onwari]

I would much rather go out with an ADHD guy. They would understand be me better. A quiet intelligent type guy. A guy who wouldn't be afraid to get muddy on a hike. A guy who would want to go to Bankok, Thailand and try some fried bugs and other different foods at the market there. Or other different food from the World with me.

Once I told a "normal guy" on a date I would try fried bugs if offered. I got a shocked look and I was thought to be weird. Once a "normal guy" cancelled a weekend hiking trip because it called for rain. Geez dude! You just bought a bunch of expensive equipment including rain gear! I was accused of not being ladylike. Various stuff like that.

Normal guys are okay as long as they are open to new things and can understand ADHD. It would be cool if they would research it and discover me too. Otherwise, a normal guy would be hard to date if we constantly critisize eachother.

[AbnormalJeremy]

i feel the same way, i noticed i attract alot of "normal" women because i make them laugh but I just feel like i cant let them know the real me and wen i do open up i normally get negative reactions

[jaimegerise]

I'm married to a normiedoot. UGH, if I would have known then what I know now....I wouldn't be.

Incidently, I'd rather be with an ADDoot.....I've dated them before and they were the best.

[AbnormalJeremy]

for some reason I can only spot guys with add, how do women with ADD act? do they have the same symptoms as guys or what? its really hard for me to tell

[AbnormalJeremy]

awesome, I'm a junior member!

[AbnormalJeremy]

any other women who are dating/dated/married to a guy with ADD? how is your relationship? any responses would be appreciated

[krisp]

Well, I married a norm (I know, I know... ), but otherwise I've always hit it off best with ADD guys, especially the smart, funny, inattentive ones. I think women are a little less likely to "look" overtly ADD at first. Most of us have gotten negative feedback in the past for acting the way we like to act. But if you strike up a conversation with someone, and she's able to follow your leaps in logic, it's likely that you've found a kindred soul. (It would make it a lot easier if we'd all agree to wear the same T-shirt or something, wouldn't it? )

[Draga]

I have dated normies since the beginning of starting out on "disater road of dating" and should I ever decide to date again I should want to find someone with ADD cause the men with ADD I have talked to are more understanding to what I am going through...Now If I could find someone with ADHD & Bipolar...I'd b e in heaven...maybe along with ADHD understanding their I could hopefully find someone strong enough to deal with the perks and quirks of Bipolar as well...We could all dream can we not

[AntyNet]

I have dated both ADD guys and "Norms"....and have found that over time the ADD on ADD relationship tends to deteriorate over time....you get on each other's nerves, and things become very unplesent. BUT on the other hand, I get bored with "norms" very quickly.

As for how women with ADHD act....I dunno about every one but I can clue you in on some key things I do that are not "normal"

1. Bounce...I don't stop moving, except when I sleep. God forbid if I get a hold of a pen that clicks...I could pen click for days on end.
2. I read 4 to 6 books at a time. One is to boring and not enough for me.
3. I seem to leave things in the fridge a lot. Also, I recently found a fork in my washing machine.
4. When in a resturant or somewhere where there is an extensive amount of stimuli, it is hard for me to stay focused on one thing. On a lot of dates, when eating, men seem to think I am not paying attention to them because of this.

I think those are probably some of my more noticable "qualities".

-Anty

[zaftigangel]

This is an interesting topic! I WAS dating/living wih an un-medicated ADHD man for a year--it's because of him that I got dx'd! I noticed similar behaviors in terms of procrastination, financial issues and hoarding.
Unfortunately, I also found that he had other "qualities" that I could not live with. He was EXTREMELY argumentative, he would say things and then completely deny that he had said them, he had sexual obsessions that I couldn't handle and he could be extremely verbally insensitive and cruel. The final straw was when he became FURIOUS that I wouldn't drop out of grad school to move to another state with him when he got a new job (a job that lasted all of 3 months btw!), and then he started to approach becoming physically abusive.
Now, (perhaps unfairly) I associate ADHD (especially the Hyperactive aspect) in men with these very negative qualities and can't even BEGIN to imagine starting a relationship with one. I'm sure my ex has other issues that are just exacerbated by the ADHD, and as he said to me often, he acted out so much with me because he felt I understood him.
Thinking about this now, I suppose the type of ADD one has might make a difference in terms of the type of ADD'er one might be compatible with--perhaps in my case, someone with the inattentive type (which I have), who also has done some therapy work (the ex didn't believe in therapy!) would be a better match--but then again, someone with the regular qualities I'd look for in a man--i.e., kind, intelligent,SOH, etc, but who is organized and responsible seems TERRIBLY appealing to me!
Was my experience with ADHD in men an abberation or is this a familiar theme...?

[AbnormalJeremy]

Yeah thats what I was afraid of, I desire a "norm" and someone who is organized, intelligent and so forth but those relationships rarely seem to work with me, guess I just gotta keep searching.

[Vero]

Hi Jeremy,
I have ADHD and have been dating an ADHD guy for 2 1/2 years. I'm 29 and this is the longest & best relationship I've ever had. (The rest lasted no more than 3 or 4 months). So, I do think that we understand each other better because we both have ADHD. He still has a lot to learn about ADHD and how it affects me. It does affect women differently than men in a lot of ways. If you really want to know a good book to read is Women with Attention Deficit Disorder by Sari Solden. That book could be my autobiography. There's a lot of similarities between ADHD men and women but this book explains very well how it especially affects women.

[crime_scene]

I"m non add but I would snap up my ADD best friend in a second, if I could. His mind is rich and complex, which is something that I really like in a man. And of course, he has a brutal sense of humour.

But this compatibility thing...I'm thinking there are a number of components required to get a good fit.

To start with, I think you have to be motivated to take the time and effort to understand yourself and each other, get educated.
Then you have to see, can you complement each other? Can you appreciate the positive attributes and accept the not so positive aspects of your partner?
Can you laugh?
Can you give each other space to move?
Is your personality suited to allow some patience and tolerance to develop for yourself and your partner.

These are some of the things that jump into my head for starters, anyway. People are so diverse!

[zaftigangel]

Hi Again,


Re-reading this thread and giving it some thought, I think the REAL question is "what qualities are you looking for in a partner?".
Whether the person has ADD or not--we ALL want someone who is supportive, loving and respectful to us and our needs, quirks and idiosyncrasies (sp?)...some folks with ADD might be better suited to understand our special brand of weirdness, but then again, each of us manifests ADD sx's differently and have varying levels of tolerance for those behaviors from others!
I believe that I would *probably* be open enough to date someone else with ADHD IF they were; medicated, in therapy , +/or had done some therapeutic work on how their ADHD is perceived by and impacts upon others. Hell, I wouldn't date a NON-ADD'er who doesn't have some self-reflective qualities and the ability to know when the thing that's bugging them is actually me or is really some issue of their own!
The guy I currently date doesn't have ADD, but is understanding, supportive emotionally, self-reflective and a really nice guy! Can't beat that combination!! PLUS he has similar feelings regarding boredom and space in a relationship--2 REALLY BIG probable ADD-related issues for me.
Just my .02 cents, but if you date someone with ADD and you're both struggling with the same ADD issues or one (or both) of you has REALLY serious acting out problems, the good aspects (like humor, unusual insight, etc) can be outweighed if "bad" aspects (such as insane jealousy, emotional hyper-sensitivity, mood swings and serious procrastination) are dominant.
Keep looking for a person with the qualities YOU value and who appreciates and loves you just as you are...perhaps it will be another ADD'er or maybe not!