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Old 05-22-11, 12:37 AM
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Need Help Dealing With My ADD Girlfriend

Alright I haven't really been exposed to anybody with ADD for a long-term, therefore I don't know how to cope/react to it.

My Girlfriend and I have been officially dating for 5 months, un-officially for 9, we just finished our first year of college where we met the first day and instantly hit it off. Now over summer we hours apart from each other, so seeing each other every day like at school is out of the question, obviously.

She has ADD, she is prescribed to Adderall, and sees a psychologist.
She sets reminders on her phone for things she needs to do.

However there are still things that she does that bother me.
She will agree to text me at a certain time (like when she gets home, or after she does something) then hours after that agreed upon time/act I'll finally text her, and all she can ever say is "I'm sorry, I forgot". Naturally I feel like she is forgetting ME. She says she just forgets the act of texting/calling me and that she is thinking about me. But if she is thinking about me shouldn't it be natural for her to wonder what I'm doing? Or have SOME feeling of wanting to talk to me?

Also she will tell me that she didn't have enough time to send me 1 little message, when the reality of it is that she very well could have, it's not a huge time committing thing to send a simple text.

Once I finally am able to get a hold of her via text it doesn't matter because frequently she will forget to look at her phone to see a message from me, even when we were mid-conversation.

She has NO concept of time whatsoever. If 5 minutes goes by she would have no idea how much time actually passed. She has no idea how long ANYTHING takes. She wears a watch (which apparently isn't too much help).
Whenever I ask her when she did something, or how long it took, she can never even give me a range of time.

This is even more so a problem for me because I am ALWAYS looking at time, and thinking about how long it takes to do this or that.

Since we are so far apart we use Skype to talk/look at each other. I don't do anything else when we skype, I simply sit and focus on her. For some reason she CANT do that, and it bothers me because I feel like I don't have her attention (which I don't because I'll have to repeat things). I ask her to not do other things on her computer, not watch tv, not be playing games, because for the little time we get to talk I want to talk TO her and not AT her. But this seems to be a huge problem, and she can only tell me that she has ADD and cant help it, but if we talk in person she is completely capable of sitting down and just talking.

Finally, if we are in the bedroom and about to start things, I may go to the bathroom for a minute, and I'll come back and she will have her ipod in her hand playing games...which is a HUGE turn off for me, and I've told her this many times, yet she still does it. She literally can't sit for 2 minutes without needed to do something.

Whenever I do tell her that something is bothering me, she is completely oblivious to the fact that she even did anything to bother me, even when it's something she's done before.

I just feel like I put in so much more effort into our relationship because to me she has this nonchalant relaxed attitude where nothing is all that important, including me, and that she just gets to me when she gets to me.

I know these are petty things, but they are everyday little things that shouldn't be that difficult. She sometimes tells me I ask for too much, but I don't feel like I do because I don't ask for huge things, just for her to at least ACT more loving towards me, because often times I don't feel loved, but I still know that she loves me.

We do love each other, and rarely have problems when we are physically together. But for the next 3 months that will hardly ever happen.

I just don't know how to deal with her ADD and accept that things are going to be different with her than I've ever experienced before.
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Old 05-22-11, 05:56 AM
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Re: Need Help Dealing With My ADD Girlfriend

Do you have these same problems when you two were able to see each other more often in person?

Is her nonchalant relaxed attitude her over all approach because it may just be her natural temperament.


Yes needing stimulation is part of being ADHD - It does not mean intentional rudeness or failure to care - but you can't expect her to be like you either.
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Old 05-22-11, 07:55 AM
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Re: Need Help Dealing With My ADD Girlfriend

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Originally Posted by Mr Non ADD View Post
She will agree to text me at a certain time (like when she gets home, or after she does something) then hours after that agreed upon time/act I'll finally text her, and all she can ever say is "I'm sorry, I forgot". Naturally I feel like she is forgetting ME. She says she just forgets the act of texting/calling me and that she is thinking about me. But if she is thinking about me shouldn't it be natural for her to wonder what I'm doing? Or have SOME feeling of wanting to talk to me?
People with ADD suffer from crap memory.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr Non ADD View Post
Also she will tell me that she didn't have enough time to send me 1 little message, when the reality of it is that she very well could have, it's not a huge time committing thing to send a simple text.
She may struggle finding words to say, or simply hates chatting via text messages.

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Originally Posted by Mr Non ADD View Post
Once I finally am able to get a hold of her via text it doesn't matter because frequently she will forget to look at her phone to see a message from me, even when we were mid-conversation.
People with ADD get distracted.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr Non ADD View Post
She has NO concept of time whatsoever. If 5 minutes goes by she would have no idea how much time actually passed. She has no idea how long ANYTHING takes. She wears a watch (which apparently isn't too much help).
Whenever I ask her when she did something, or how long it took, she can never even give me a range of time.
People with ADD suffer from a poor concept of time. 5 minutes for an ADD'er can pass in a blink of an eye, or feel like an eternity.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr Non ADD View Post
This is even more so a problem for me because I am ALWAYS looking at time, and thinking about how long it takes to do this or that.
Comparing yourself to someone with ADD isn't going to end well.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr Non ADD View Post
Since we are so far apart we use Skype to talk/look at each other. I don't do anything else when we skype, I simply sit and focus on her. For some reason she CANT do that, and it bothers me because I feel like I don't have her attention (which I don't because I'll have to repeat things). I ask her to not do other things on her computer, not watch tv, not be playing games, because for the little time we get to talk I want to talk TO her and not AT her. But this seems to be a huge problem, and she can only tell me that she has ADD and cant help it, but if we talk in person she is completely capable of sitting down and just talking.
Do you even know the first thing about ADD? ADD'ers can't do one thing at a time unless it's REALLY engaging, otherwise we can bored and distracted.

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Originally Posted by Mr Non ADD View Post
Finally, if we are in the bedroom and about to start things, I may go to the bathroom for a minute, and I'll come back and she will have her ipod in her hand playing games...which is a HUGE turn off for me, and I've told her this many times, yet she still does it. She literally can't sit for 2 minutes without needed to do something.
She has ADD: she gets bored easily.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr Non ADD View Post
Whenever I do tell her that something is bothering me, she is completely oblivious to the fact that she even did anything to bother me, even when it's something she's done before.
That's because she's completely oblivious, and she has a poor memory.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr Non ADD View Post
I just feel like I put in so much more effort into our relationship because to me she has this nonchalant relaxed attitude where nothing is all that important, including me, and that she just gets to me when she gets to me.
You may feel that way, but for all you know you may the most important person for her, or not.

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Originally Posted by Mr Non ADD View Post
I know these are petty things, but they are everyday little things that shouldn't be that difficult.
Welcome to everyday life with ADD - the little things that should be easy for us, are not.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr Non ADD View Post
She sometimes tells me I ask for too much, but I don't feel like I do because I don't ask for huge things, just for her to at least ACT more loving towards me, because often times I don't feel loved, but I still know that she loves me.
They're not huge for you, but they're huge for her. What you're asking of her is akin to asking a blind man to describe the colour blue.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr Non ADD View Post
We do love each other, and rarely have problems when we are physically together. But for the next 3 months that will hardly ever happen.

I just don't know how to deal with her ADD and accept that things are going to be different with her than I've ever experienced before.
Her ADD is her problem, but you have to think long and hard if this relationship is going to give you everything you need in a relationship. You simply have two choices: accept her for the way she is, or realise that you need she isn't going to give you what you need, and you'll have to find someone else.
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  #4  
Old 05-22-11, 08:36 AM
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Re: Need Help Dealing With My ADD Girlfriend

The easiest explanation of ADHD is simply to tell you to watch a dog roam around off leash somewhere out in nature while it thinks no one is watching. It's a little crude and simplistic, but the way they go from one thing to the next, haphazardly, run here, walk there, carefree, distractable, chasing this, examining that, etc.. That's pretty much what it's like to be ADHD. Now, what if that dog got scolded every time it simply wanted to be a dog and do what dogs do? Would it take away that desire to go and do doggy things? No. It would simply lose confidence, feel betrayed and intimidated, tuck it's tail, lay it's ears back, slouch down, and try to get away with those exact same activities anyway because really, it can't stop itself.

At 18 or 19, most people are very self centered. There's nothing wrong with that as it's a fact of life. I was. Most (or all) of the people reading this were. You are. In this case, you're seeing things from your perspective (self centered) - not hers. And that's natural at your age.

Also at that age, it's hard to have a concept of understanding someone else's life. I had that issue at that age (still do but to a lesser extent), and so do you. This is where the old saying comes from - don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes.

The way I sum up most of your situations you listed (if not all of them) is that you see what she's doing as a "moral failure". ADHD is NOT a moral impairment.

I could list here ALL of the things that it is, but I'd miss several and likely improperly explain the rest. So, if you really want to learn about the disease, I'd suggest watching the videos at this link:

http://www.caddac.ca/cms/video/teens_adults_player.html

Go to the second, and third folders and watch the videos there. It'll take you several hours to watch them all. But when they're finished, I think you'll have a MUCH greater understanding of ADHD, you'll realize that ADHD is NOT a moral disorder, you'll learn what it's like to be her, and how you can be more understanding and accepting of her quirks. You'll also find out how you can help her, if that's what she wants.

Good luck.
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Old 05-22-11, 11:36 AM
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Re: Need Help Dealing With My ADD Girlfriend

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Originally Posted by Mr Non ADD View Post
She will agree to text me at a certain time (like when she gets home, or after she does something) then hours after that agreed upon time/act I'll finally text her, and all she can ever say is "I'm sorry, I forgot".
She did. Really. Or she had every intention of doing so, but something got her attention, and distracted her enough that it pushed that intention right out of her head. I have a problem with the same thing, and it's taken me more than a decade to get into specific habits for specific situations, and to get my husband to prompt me outside of those situations. For example, he wants me to call him when I arrive safely somewhere after a long drive. Well, at the end of the drive is people who start talking to me or a goal that I start working towards as soon as I turn off the car. So calling when I arrive simply doesn't happen. I finally figured out that I need to put on my headset, put my phone in a cupholder where I can see it, and call him when I'm almost at my destination. We've been married for more than 20 years, and I managed to remember to do this regularly about five years ago.

She isn't forgetting you, she's in the moment, whatever it is. Something is actively engaging her, and she's not thinking of anything else - contacting you would involve a deliberate, concerted effort to disengage from what she's doing, and that's not something that's possible with ADD. We don't get to choose what captures our interest, and we don't choose to ignore everything else. It's (unfortunately) a part of the package.

Saying that she didn't have time is a coverup for the embarrassment of forgetting to keep a promise, again. It happens to us so often, and people aren't terribly understanding of "I forgot," because it elicits just the sort of feelings you expressed here. "I didn't have time," or "I was too busy" are more socially acceptable excuses, and lead to less criticism and judgment from other people, so we use them. We feel bad enough about it already without being berated even more, so we go with what works.

And you say she ignores the phone on other occasions - you've seen her do it - so it's not you she's ignoring. Something about the phone simply doesn't get her attention. Maybe changing the ringtone will help, maybe it won't. Hard to say. I've found, for myself, that it's so frustrating to get interrupted in the middle of doing something, I'll ignore the phone (and then forget to check messages later because there's nothing reminding me to check them.) That carries over to ignoring the phone when I'm not in the middle of doing something. I had to set an audible beep on the home answering machine to remind me to check messages. Cell phone messages are regularly forgotten.

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She has NO concept of time whatsoever. If 5 minutes goes by she would have no idea how much time actually passed. She has no idea how long ANYTHING takes. She wears a watch (which apparently isn't too much help).
Whenever I ask her when she did something, or how long it took, she can never even give me a range of time.
Ditto here. I found that I was avoiding doing a lot of things because I was absolutely certain that I wouldn't be able to finish them in the time I had. (Because not finishing things in the time I have is the norm. . .) I had to set a kitchen timer to count up while I did a few of them, then write down how long they actually took in order to realize that I did have time. Until I figured out that vacuuming and washing the kitchen floor took only 30 minutes, for example, I'd avoid doing it because I had only a few hours before one of the kids would call me for a ride. In other words, unless she actually notes the time she started something and the time she finished it, and what day she did it, she will not be able to give you that information.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr Non ADD View Post
Since we are so far apart we use Skype to talk/look at each other. I don't do anything else when we skype, I simply sit and focus on her. For some reason she CANT do that, and it bothers me because I feel like I don't have her attention (which I don't because I'll have to repeat things).
Can't is the operative word. The absolute only time I can do nothing but converse with someone else is when we're face to face, and then I need something like food or drink or some other thing to do with my hands. I can't watch TV for too long without getting a book, or the laptop, or the DS, or some hand sewing, either. I hate talking on the phone unless it's hands-free so I can iron or fold laundry or something like that while I'm talking.

You may want to have a talk with her and figure out something she can do with her hands while she's talking to you that wouldn't bother you so much, and that she could do without paying too much attention to it - just something that would occupy her need to fidget/multitask. That's not going to change, even with the best medication, and it's not a reflection on how she feels about you, so it's a matter of figuring out how to channel it (on her part) and how to accept it as SOP (on your part.)
Finally, if we are in the bedroom and about to start things, I may go to the bathroom for a minute, and I'll come back and she will have her ipod in her hand playing games...which is a HUGE turn off for me, and I've told her this many times, yet she still does it. She literally can't sit for 2 minutes without needed to do something.

Whenever I do tell her that something is bothering me, she is completely oblivious to the fact that she even did anything to bother me, even when it's something she's done before.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr Non ADD View Post
We do love each other, and rarely have problems when we are physically together. But for the next 3 months that will hardly ever happen.
That's the key - whatever's present is going to be most attractive to her attention. It's not a reflection on how she feels about you, and the fact that she doesn't spontaneously direct her attention to you the way you do to her doesn't mean she doesn't care about the relationship. If you put a lot of effort into it and feel that she has to do equally as much or she doesn't care, then you're always going to be disappointed. You feel that it's little to ask for, but believe me, it's monumental.

I'm not saying to stop putting an effort into showing you care, but to stop expecting equal reciprocation. If you enjoy showing her you care in all the ways you mention, and do it because you care, that's a good reason to keep doing it. If she acknowledges it, or says she appreciates it when you do it, take her word for it that she does. If she doesn't, then ask her. If you work together to set up a non-judgmental, non-confrontational way of asking "do you appreciate this? Should I keep doing it? Would it be better if we did something differently?" it'll go a long way to improving the quality and longevity of your relationship. In the same way, find out from her what she thinks she is doing to show you how she feels, and figure out a way to get her into a habit of doing something else you'd appreciate (one thing at a time!)
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Old 05-22-11, 11:59 AM
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Re: Need Help Dealing With My ADD Girlfriend

When I have a bf, honestly I think about him all the time. I am told that I have a ton of trouble showing this. It's like I can be cooking dinner (a normal tempo person would be concentrating on slicing onions..) But me? I'm thinking about that, but also my boyfriend. I usually think about him in everything that I do. But I have the problem that I don't show it. I dont know when to/how to.. without making it seem forced or awkward. But usually I love them with all my heart and even if i'm shopping I will buy things with him in mind ( but I would never want him to know this and would try not to tell him) She is still young and has a long way to go. People with add improve over time but it will take a lot of time for her to fix the problem of showing you she cares. Stick with it. She will be able to know how to not make you feel slited eventually but it honestly might take a while. It will get better though I guarantee she is capable of loving you just as much as someone with a normal tempo brain is capable of loving you. Please keep reading about ADHD. But know that there is a TON of bad info out there about adhd. That is a known thing on these forums. There is not enough good info about the disorder and there is a lot of wrong information. For example, don't go to ADDitude magazine. Go to national institude of mentall health website or CHADD.com. The DSM-V is coming out soon.. so there will be a lot of good information based on that soon. But Adhd research is relatively new.. that's the root of the problem. Most of the research now is based on children with ADHD.. but there is some info for adults out there as well.

We have an output disorder. Mentally retarded people have in input disorder.. we can take in all we want (so we are smart) but, we have trouble expressing and communicating in normal and appropriate ways sometimes. That does not mean it's not in there, I promise.

You have to accept the fact that she is going to be doing other things and listening to you at the same time for her whole life. But do let her know how you are feeling.. because it would be unhealthy for you not too. And it's good that you are expressing these feelings because it's important she knows where her deficit is, so that she can work on it over time. Definitely show her these threads or at least tell her you are on here! Communication.. although awkward and forced... is so important in the long run. (This is something a 25 year old knows, but it might be a little too awkard for you and her at your alls age.. I don't know.. at least mention it so that you two are on the same page.)

One more thing.. lots of bf's come on here so that they can be prepared and know what they are getting into. My mom has ADD and didn't even know it until a few years ago when I got diagnosed. My dad loved her without even knowing why she got distracted. They just worked together... It might be hard for you when you aren't with her for these three months.. but hang in there. As you said.. you do get a long well. Relationships are hard work.. especially when it's love.. and distance. Love can be painful like that, it's probably not just the ADD overall!

Last edited by tired1823; 05-22-11 at 12:10 PM..
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Old 05-22-11, 04:06 PM
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Re: Need Help Dealing With My ADD Girlfriend

You're young, you've not been dating that long.... simply hitting it off when you first meet is not a good basis for a relationship... (particularly with Adders)... she's doing things that trigger negative responses in you before you're even living together.....

the things she's doing are so ADD, and in the great scheme of things they're pretty small...

but MOST IMPORTANTLY

you want to change fundamental parts of her behaviour that you don't like

that is not a good in any relationship ADDery or not.

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Old 05-22-11, 09:02 PM
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Re: Need Help Dealing With My ADD Girlfriend

meadd823-im not saying i want her to be like me...i was just saying how i am so that you know a little about me, and not just about her.

driver-thank you for simply telling me the FEW things i DID know about ADD, I'm glad you went through all that trouble to multi-quote me, just to state the obvious. and I thank you for wasting your time

As I said, I have no prior experience to an ADDer, therefore I don't know what their behaviors are like, which is why I am putting forth the effort to try and understand, that way I can prevent myself from getting annoyed by my girlfriend in the future.

jaybee03-thank you very much, I am going to check those videos out and get some insight

Amtram-thank you as well, hearing other people's similar real life experiences really helps to open my eyes to the situation as a whole

Alliee-we have no problem communicating at all. we are very honest and open with each other at all times. thanks for your support

kilted scotsman-i feel like if we were living together there would be less problems, because the problems are getting her attention and trying to talk to her when there is a huge distance between us, which wouldn't be a problem if we were living together. I don't want to change her behaviors, I just want to understand them.
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Old 05-22-11, 11:16 PM
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Re: Need Help Dealing With My ADD Girlfriend

To Mr Non ADD.. wow! everything sure sounds EXACTLY what I went through with my girlfriend and we had huge arguments when we're between the 4th and 6th month into our relationship. Thing is, I'm the one with ADHD here and I reacted the same way as you, saying the same thing as you (I feel like I'm putting in a lot of effort but she's being nonchalant).

I did a lot of reflection and started telling myself that maybe I need to change my mindset and perhaps the relationship can improve. Guess what, after weeks of arguing, we had a talk and I realised I haven't really loved her for who she is. Whatever I expected is perhaps the "norms" that have been programmed into our head. I realised that my girlfriend loves me a lot but she shows it in her own way and she indeed has put in a lot of effort to change certain things. After some of our arguments, she would cry and apologise, saying she really tried her best and she didn't know what went wrong.

On texting: I used to lament about how she doesn't text me or call me often and I used to think it's because she didn't think about me or couldn't care less. We meet once a week but in between I know she is thinking about me because on some occassions, she made trinkets, notes and poems about us. When we meet, she keeps telling me how it is tough for her to do her work and think about me at the same time but the difference is I'm impulsive and will text her whenever I miss her. On the other hand, she said it's a distraction for her if she texts me or receives texts from me and she cannot focus on her work. I learnt to understand that and I've stopped being petty about texting. Now, she texts me daily instead whenever she's free in between work (we made a deal that on weekdays, I am to not text her, except maybe when going to bed) and they are all very sweet messages.

I also cut down on calling her as like you with your skype thing, she will sometimes be distracted and we will end up arguing. I know for sure that EVERY single time we're together, she gives me 100% attention. Just think and fall back on that. If need be, cut the phone or skype thing to very short brief sessions. Spend more time with her in person BUT don't demand for the time. She's already having a hard time getting her schedule and routine in order, she will be super stressed out when you force yourself into that.

About her nonchalant and laissez faire attitude: It will seem rude and disrespectful at first, but I've learnt to accept that it's not that she purposely does it. State your unhappiness (she needs to learn not to do those things next time too..) but don't create a scene out of it. She'll get it soon after a few "practices". A lot of ADD/ADHD folks are rebels/social misfits and we don't get social norms and cues. I've learnt to adapt but I do forget how I got there. My girfriend had indeed reminded me that I was once like that and hence should let her the chance to grow and learn instead of reprimanding and making a big scene.

With all that's said, once I've learnt to accept her quirks and really love her for who she is, I find that I pick on her less and it took our relationship to a new level. Just think back on why you fall in love with her in the first place. Understand that you love her for her "base personality" and that these quirks, although annoying, does not mean she loves you less. Not sure if I'm making sense here, but try to let go of expectations and see her for who she is and appreciate how she shows her love for you. It really takes a lot of patience and understanding, but the rewards are there. For once, I read somewhere that people with ADHD/ADD are very loyal to their spouse. I know I am. Not sure if this is true in real life.
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Old 05-22-11, 11:45 PM
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Re: Need Help Dealing With My ADD Girlfriend

THE ADD BRAIN HAS NO CONCEPT OF TIME. It's not her, it's the brain. It's something that I struggle with everyday and need external strategies for me to make it through.

It might be difficult thing for her to accomplish texting you at a certain time. I would tell my ex-wife things I would do, and I wouldn't accomplish them. It wasn't done on purpose. She never got that.

If she tells you she forgot, I would believe it. Having the ADD brain is a little like experiencing a minor hurricane on a daily basis. Instead of wind, you have non-stop thoughts. Instead of rain pelting us, we are bombarded by every little amount of noise imaginable.

Are you willing to be understanding with her? It's just something I'm wondering as she doesn't have a voice here. An ADDer needs someone that is VERY understanding in a relationship.

She's taking Adderall and also seeing a Psychologist. I think she's on a great road, but who am to talk I'm no expert.
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Old 05-22-11, 11:52 PM
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Re: Need Help Dealing With My ADD Girlfriend

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Originally Posted by Mr Non ADD View Post
A
Finally, if we are in the bedroom and about to start things, I may go to the bathroom for a minute, and I'll come back and she will have her ipod in her hand playing games...

This made me laugh so hard. If you can't get used to this sort of thing, you will be constantly frustrated.

Why don't you laugh when you see this sort of stuff? Make jokes with her and tease gently. She already probably finds herself on the unusual side.
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Old 05-23-11, 12:07 AM
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Re: Need Help Dealing With My ADD Girlfriend

I forgot to include one other thing with regards to distractability because I went off on my tangent (very ADHD like btw).

With regards to distractions, they come in the form of thoughts which I think you know, but they also come from things we hear and things we see. I would imagine smells, touches, and tastes would also apply if applicable at the moment.

Imagine for a minute that your thoughts are like "lightning bugs" in the summertime after dark (hoping you've seen those or this will make almost no sense, lol). They randomly light up for a brief second and if you try and catch them they're never where they were when they lit up. Then, imagine walking into an electronics store and looking at a wall of TV's - all on, and all are showing your most favorite shows and movies with the same volume which is up high enough that you can't hear what people say around you.

So, you have the "lightning bug thoughts" and wall of TV's for your visual and auditory distractions. And the most important part, you do not have the ability to tune any of these things out.

Now, go have a conversation with someone.

This is an extreme example of what we deal with daily, but it's also eerily familiar to us in many ways.

Hope that helps the level of understanding.
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Old 05-23-11, 12:30 AM
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Re: Need Help Dealing With My ADD Girlfriend

anonymouslyadd- im trying my hardest to be understanding and to try and be aware of the things she goes through, and about the bedroom situation, thats kind of hard to laugh off because once i do come back she tells me to hold on while she continues to play a pointless game, then wonders why i get frustrated. Its not a good feeling being put on hold for something pointless all the time, especially when it comes to things like that. and thats how i constantly feel, i feel like she is always putting ME on hold, and doesn't know how to prioritize, but claims she has the right priorities.

jaybee03- thank you once again, that really brings a whole new light to my eyes...i couldnt even imagine having to go through that every day

and another question i have is, what do things like adderrall and ridilin (sp) actually do? because it seems to me like her 30 mg extended release adderrall doesn't do all that much as far as helping her focus or concentrate
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Old 05-23-11, 12:33 AM
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Re: Need Help Dealing With My ADD Girlfriend

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meadd823-im not saying i want her to be like me...i was just saying how i am so that you know a little about me, and not just about her.

Soo you said the stuff I quoted below so I would know more about you???

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr Non ADD View Post
I simply sit and focus on her. For some reason she CANT do that, and it bothers me because I feel like I don't have her attention (which I don't because I'll have to repeat things). I ask her to not do other things on her computer, not watch tv, not be playing games, because for the little time we get to talk I want to talk TO her and not AT her. But this seems to be a huge problem,
What I am hearing you say . . .. .I give her my full attention therefore I expect the same in return.



You show her you are interested in her when you talk on skype by giving her your undivided attention?

The only way you would get distracted by some thing as trivial as a video game is if you really didn't give a rats rump about talking to her?

Watching a TV program competes for your attention during a conversation ONLY if you are MORE interested in the program than you are listening to the person you are talking to - Am I correct so far?

Look we all interpret the intentions behind other people's behavior based upon our own intentions when we behave like wise - That isn't a dealing with an adult ADDer thing it is a dealing with people thing.

Using your intentions behind certain behaviors to determine the intentions of other when they behave in like manner is how most people determine the intentions of others which is an accurate way of gaining insight into other people's behaviors as long as you are dealing with people like yourself - People who have the ability to consciously control their direction of focus and length of attention span - However when you are dealing with people who can't control their focus your map will lead you to the wrong conclusions so you have to learn how to modify your behavior interpretation code book to fit the person - It can be done with practice and conscious effort!


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driver-thank you for simply telling me the FEW things i DID know about ADD, I'm glad you went through all that trouble to multi-quote me, just to state the obvious. and I thank you for wasting your time
How is Driver supposed to know what you do or do not know about ADHD?

I can't speak for Driver but multi-quotes prevents me from rambling off topic by reminding me exactly what it is I'm responding to.
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Old 05-23-11, 01:19 AM
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Re: Need Help Dealing With My ADD Girlfriend

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How is Driver supposed to know what you do or do not know about ADHD?

I can't speak for Driver but multi-quotes prevents me from rambling off topic by reminding me exactly what it is I'm responding to.
Because the first thing that I said is that I do not have any real experience with ADDers. Therefore I know very little about the topic at all, which I have also said. Which is why I am here on this forum seeking help so that I can better understand what goes on (or doesn't go on) in my girlfriend's head. Which would in turn help me better understand her actions, and help my relationship all together.
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