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  #1  
Old 09-02-04, 10:25 PM
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Angry Issue with a Non-ADD Spouse / Partner Support Group Leader

Hi,

I could hardly wait to get to the computer to ask what
you guys think of this.

OK, first a little background I was diagnosed with
non attentive ADD about 6 months ago and I have tried
4 types of antidepressants and am now on Adderall.

My husband and I have been at odds over the issue of
my ADD. He thinks a lot of the issues are actually
“personality” and not ADD, and since he won’t read a
book on it, I can’t change his mind. I basically
decided to give up on waiting for warm and fuzzy
support from him and I try to find it at support
groups and forums like this instead. Then a week ago,
I found a link to a support group for partners of ADD
on the website of an ADD Organization and I sent it to him. He finally
called the "leader" today to ask if he could drop go
to the meeting since it is by invitation only. She
talked to him for 45 minutes.

These are just a few of the things he told me she
said.

1. She said that being in a relationship with
someone with ADD is like a frog that is put in a bowl
of warm water. At first the frog doesn’t mind because
he doesn’t know its warm, then if you make the water
hotter and hotter, he gets paralyzed and cant jump out
anymore.

2. she said when the ADD person gets diagnosed it
doesn't really make any difference to them either way,
because that’s how they have always been. Its the
spouse that really suffers.

3. She said that she thinks that adderall doesn’t
work and that she is personally strongly against it.
SHE recommends concerta and Ritalin together.

4. She thinks coaching works better than
medication.

5. She said that she thinks marital counseling
doesn’t work.

6. She said people with ADD have trouble with
showing any empathy for their spouses.

7. I asked my husband if she had mentioned any of
the positive aspects of ADD and he said no.

8. She said working and having kids makes ADD
worse, so since my husband and I don’t have kids and I
am not working…this is as good as its gonna get.

9. My husband asked why she was still married and
she said it was because her husband was willing to
keep trying different medication.

I was SO furious when my husband told me all this.
What I want to ask you guys is …do you agree that she
had no right to spill her own ugly opinions of ADD and
related topics? And that she is probably poisoning the
meetings with her own agenda?

I felt that I was sending him to a meeting where he
would talk to other spouses and feel supported and
ENCOURAGED. NOT to something where the group leader
had so many negative and UGLY opinions of her own. No
wonder she said that a certain percentage of the group
members end up divorced. Apparently after she hung up
with my husband, she felt guilty about not saying more
positive things about her husband and sent my husband
an email saying some nice things about him.

I think that she is probably hurting many, many
marriages/relationships of people who come to the
support group and buy into the things she says because
she is in a position of authority.

I think I should let someone know about her. ..but I
want to get a reality check first from you guys.

Thanks in advance for your opinions

Last edited by Tara; 10-14-04 at 08:32 AM..
  #2  
Old 09-02-04, 10:34 PM
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Trooper Keith Trooper Keith is offline
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I hate to say it, but a lot of that sounds correct...for instance, we don't actually get worse, we are the same as we have always been. Generally, ADD causes people to have trouble showing empathy. Working and having kids would make it worse (working made it worse for me), coaching can be very helpful, etc....

...now the stuff about Adderal, etc, is stupid. Adderal works in some people, and Ritalin works in others, and Straterra works in still others...

Now, she may have a nasty opinion of ADHD because she doesn't have it, and that's not too surprising, really...
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  #3  
Old 09-02-04, 10:37 PM
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moxee33,
I feel you should talk to this person yourself ASAP.
"...he told me she said."
You really need to talk to her. I would, and will if you like.
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Old 09-02-04, 11:08 PM
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Some things may be true for some people with ADHD. But I know most of those things do not apply to me! I went through an actual mourning period when I found out about ADHD. I have great empathy for people, sometimes it turns me into a rug.

I would talk to her myself if I were you. Then report her to the ADD Organization if she is like that while leading a group of people who need support. Those are her opinions and she shouldn't push them on people. She may need to attend to some research before she becomes a leader. Boy, I sure would like to talk to her!

Last edited by Tara; 10-14-04 at 03:06 PM..
  #5  
Old 09-02-04, 11:21 PM
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I would definetly contact the organization and let them know what she is doing. They really need to know that this is the way she is representing their organization. This organization's main focus is to help people with AD/HD. I do agree that spouses and partners of people with ADD have quite a bit of frustration but bad mouthing and looking down on those of us with ADD doesn't help anybody involved.
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Last edited by Tara; 10-14-04 at 07:52 AM..
  #6  
Old 09-02-04, 11:59 PM
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Why not invite your husband here instead?
  #7  
Old 09-03-04, 02:44 AM
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GMTA Clam......I have one word for that woman's theroy but I cant say it in family forum
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Old 09-03-04, 02:45 AM
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oK Better yet.....Bull Muffins!
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Please do not think me cold, for I do want loving arms to hold, but I am so sick of being used and abused...If I die alone tomorrow I die unbruised.
  #9  
Old 09-03-04, 03:32 AM
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Quote:
These are just a few of the things he told me she
said.

1. She said that being in a relationship with
someone with ADD is like a frog that is put in a bowl
of warm water. At first the frog doesn’t mind because
he doesn’t know its warm, then if you make the water
hotter and hotter, he gets paralyzed and cant jump out
anymore.
Yeah, that's a worst case scenario that happens. It happened to me. It's not a helpful constructive comment though. It can work well & that's what a support group should help with though it's fair to warn him.

Quote:
2. she said when the ADD person gets diagnosed it
doesn't really make any difference to them either way,
because that’s how they have always been. Its the
spouse that really suffers.
This is also sorta true but it's a bull crap negativist bunch of useless bull crappy crappy crap. Again I don't see anything supportive here.

Quote:
3. adderall doesn’t work
SHE recommends concerta and Ritalin together.

4. coaching works better than medication.

5. marital counseling doesn’t work.
these are either personal opinion or stupidity.

Quote:
6. She said people with ADD have trouble with
showing any empathy for their spouses.
Blatant misunderstanding of the core issues!

Quote:
7. I asked my husband if she had mentioned any of
the positive aspects of ADD and he said no.
tsk tsk tsk... (support??????)

Quote:
8. working and having kids makes ADD worse
stupid opinion. the opposite can often be true
  #10  
Old 09-03-04, 03:41 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by paulbf
This is also sorta true but it's a bull crap negativist bunch of useless bull crappy crappy crap. Again I don't see anything supportive here.
What a crappy thing to say


Quote:
Originally Posted by paulbf
these are either personal opinion or stupidity.
Or the combo A stupid Opinion




Quote:
Originally Posted by paulbf
tsk tsk tsk... (support??????)
I think she knows NOT what that means and it is usually the partner lacking in empathy!!!!!



Quote:
Originally Posted by paulbf
stupid opinion. the opposite can often be true
Well Said
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Please do not think me cold, for I do want loving arms to hold, but I am so sick of being used and abused...If I die alone tomorrow I die unbruised.
  #11  
Old 09-03-04, 03:48 AM
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Seriously, Like Clam said, bring him here and We give hubby second opinion, ya know the actual FACTS!
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Please do not think me cold, for I do want loving arms to hold, but I am so sick of being used and abused...If I die alone tomorrow I die unbruised.
  #12  
Old 09-03-04, 08:40 AM
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EYEFORGOT EYEFORGOT is offline
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Angry ditto.

What a little *female dog*. She needs marital counseling and a new job.

I whole heartedly agree with the above advice. Check her out and see if this is the way she is representing the organization, she is grossly misinformed.

Oh, and a little reassurance for hubby: (who did promise to love, honor, and cherish you through sickness and in health and better remember that when he's old and grey you will be picking out his convalescent home!)

I have ADD, I am married with 3 sons, home school, babysit, volunteer, have worked in retail and was once a nursing assistant (before kids)-(trusted with the lives of other people's loved ones); and while I was always challenged and at times overwhelmed I display empathy, creativity and determination that more than make up for my weaknesses! And there's a whole bunch of other people here who are dealing with worse crap in their lives and are making the best of it, getting educated and trying to function!


Rant done. Have a lovely day. Think positive.
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Last edited by Tara; 10-14-04 at 07:53 AM..
  #13  
Old 09-03-04, 01:20 PM
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"Oh, and a little reassurance for hubby: (who did promise to love, honor, and cherish you through sickness and in health and better remember that when he's old and grey you will be picking out his convalescent home!)"


OMG!!! LMAO You go girl!!!!!!!
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Please do not think me cold, for I do want loving arms to hold, but I am so sick of being used and abused...If I die alone tomorrow I die unbruised.
  #14  
Old 10-12-04, 10:13 AM
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Did he go to the meeting? What did he think?
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Old 10-12-04, 12:08 PM
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Moxee, in my not so humble opinion, I would say that this woman emotionally abused you by proxy of your husband. I hope he has not taken every word she has said as gospel. Many, Many leaders, or those in leadership positions know how to be abusive and manipulative. She appears to have her own agenda, and that agenda will not help any relationship; not even her own.

I hope you report her, and I also hope your husband can be shown a different side of the coin; a more honest one.

I hate to thing how you must have felt when you were told this. Take Care.
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