I am afraid of myself...

[alongroad]

That's right. I am totally scared of myself.

My thoughts scare me.
My actions scare me.
My inability of having any self-control scares me.
My constant hunt for a thrill or risk scares me.

I was diagnoses with Adult ADHD only 6-8 months ago. I did a 9 week program on Mindfulness. I take medications:

Wellbrutrin @ 300mg
Pristiq @ 50mg
Concerta @ 45mg

At one time I was using 450 of Wellbrutrin and 54 of Concerta but my blood pressure started dropping and my doses were reduced as my GP and Phyc thought it may have been the meds, but it was not. Nobody knows what it is.

How can I get better when I fear myself and behaviours?

Is it NORMAL to feel like you want to be in jail or in a hospital so you can "protect yourself" from "yourself"??

HELP!

[anonymouslyadd]

I have battled and still battle my own thoughts. I get scared because of some things I have done too.

I think people with ADD have such a strong response to fear. I think slowly you can overcome this. Remember, the more you do something like remain fearful of a thought the stronger the fear response will be. However, the more you challenge those fears the fear response will not be as strong. Your confidence will grow as you face a fear. Therefore, you need to challenge those fears you have.

Take this process really slow. I mean really slow.

[tired1823]

Just a tidbit... could be unrelated but, take note of the complete list of side effects from each medicine you're taking. You could have reactions that aren't normal for you. The brand of the medicine is important to note too, apparently. I didn't know this and my dr. didn't really either...

[Lostsoul092]

I am always afraid of myself. Afraid that my ADD will cost my sons more then it already has. Afraid that I will slip up and all the hard work I have put in to being a better man, a better person will go out the window and I will be that other person again. Afraid that the struggle will be to much and I will seek a easy way out or run a way or start using. Afraid that I am the looser I feel like at times. I pray there is a solution, hope is what I have.

[alongroad]

Originally Posted by Alliee

Just a tidbit... could be unrelated but, take note of the complete list of side effects from each medicine you're taking. You could have reactions that aren't normal for you. The brand of the medicine is important to note too, apparently. I didn't know this and my dr. didn't really either...

I do try to keep track of it all. But remebering my drs appointments and councellor appointments and everything else under the sun is hard enough... lol

Originally Posted by Lostsoul092

I am always afraid of myself. Afraid that my ADD will cost my sons more then it already has. Afraid that I will slip up and all the hard work I have put in to being a better man, a better person will go out the window and I will be that other person again. Afraid that the struggle will be to much and I will seek a easy way out or run a way or start using. Afraid that I am the looser I feel like at times. I pray there is a solution, hope is what I have.

I agree. I was doing great several months ago. Then a big "situation" (family related) happened and it went down hill FAST.

Originally Posted by anonymouslyadd

I have battled and still battle my own thoughts. I get scared because of some things I have done too.

I think people with ADD have such a strong response to fear. I think slowly you can overcome this. Remember, the more you do something like remain fearful of a thought the stronger the fear response will be. However, the more you challenge those fears the fear response will not be as strong. Your confidence will grow as you face a fear. Therefore, you need to challenge those fears you have.

Take this process really slow. I mean really slow.

I am trying to take it as slow and cool as possible. Some days I am ok most days I am bad and even the ok days are simply not good enough anymore.

[alongroad]

My main issues ...

My depression sometimes get the best of me and I get suicidal thoughs. Most of the time I get depressed because of basic stress. Money or relationship problems tend to be the ROOT.

When I get depressed I start to "seek a thrill". Regretfully my thrill of choice seems to be sex. So find a random stranger, hire an escort, etc, anyone who is willing to have sex or engage in a sexual act in a very random place, outdoors, car, etc. This gets me going.

Throw in my love of watching porn which drives me nuts and the constant THRILL of hunting for sexual relations. Which by the way is fun to HUNT. Then I get there and I don't wanna be there.

I was telling my counceller, once the THRILL is going, I am absolulety FEARLESS. I have no sense in my head. If its RISKY, I am in.

Used to partake a lot in autotheft as a teen (joy riding, never for money) and such illegal activities were simply for the thrill (these years I did not know about my ADHD).

Then I don't like to eat anymore. Stimulants kill my appetite so I am eating less than my 12 yr old step boy... If I eat 3/4 of a meal a day. Most of the time looking at food makes me full. So I have to eat like a bird.

Add in I don't like or want to sleep because waking up is a very painful process. Dr gave me Zopiclone to sleep. Said take 1... didn't work... If I take 3 it works, but leaves the most awful metallic taste in my mouth. So I go back to me "sedative" of choice, which is marijuana. So I smoke a small amount nightly, which also helps me put down a meal (for obvious reasons) and then I can sleep. Calms the mind.

I am going SOUTH very very quick. I've been like this for a decade and only the last 8 months I have known and been working on my ADHD. But since the STRESSOR of family/relationship stuff and my blood pressure and med changes, I am just LOST.

I fear myself every day and I have ZERO self control. I cannot seem to kick any one habit fully.

I really feel like I need to be locked up for 3-6 months to get myself in to a state of stability

[Tomboy]

Have you had your thyroid checked? There is lots of evidence that the thyroid hormones have a role in the hyperactive and impulsive symptoms of people with attention deficit-hyperactivity disorder. Here's the link to an article on just that: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases...0312165726.htm
I'm not suggesting that this will cures anyone's ADHD but it might have an impact on your level of impulsiveness. Maybe you could do a bit of investigation on the web and then show your doctor the articles so he would do a blood test.

[Azoox]

Originally Posted by alongroad

My main issues ...

My depression sometimes get the best of me and I get suicidal thoughs. Most of the time I get depressed because of basic stress. Money or relationship problems tend to be the ROOT.

When I get depressed I start to "seek a thrill". Regretfully my thrill of choice seems to be sex. So find a random stranger, hire an escort, etc, anyone who is willing to have sex or engage in a sexual act in a very random place, outdoors, car, etc. This gets me going.

Throw in my love of watching porn which drives me nuts and the constant THRILL of hunting for sexual relations. Which by the way is fun to HUNT. Then I get there and I don't wanna be there.

I was telling my counceller, once the THRILL is going, I am absolulety FEARLESS. I have no sense in my head. If its RISKY, I am in.

Used to partake a lot in autotheft as a teen (joy riding, never for money) and such illegal activities were simply for the thrill (these years I did not know about my ADHD).

Then I don't like to eat anymore. Stimulants kill my appetite so I am eating less than my 12 yr old step boy... If I eat 3/4 of a meal a day. Most of the time looking at food makes me full. So I have to eat like a bird.

Add in I don't like or want to sleep because waking up is a very painful process. Dr gave me Zopiclone to sleep. Said take 1... didn't work... If I take 3 it works, but leaves the most awful metallic taste in my mouth. So I go back to me "sedative" of choice, which is marijuana. So I smoke a small amount nightly, which also helps me put down a meal (for obvious reasons) and then I can sleep. Calms the mind.

I am going SOUTH very very quick. I've been like this for a decade and only the last 8 months I have known and been working on my ADHD. But since the STRESSOR of family/relationship stuff and my blood pressure and med changes, I am just LOST.

I fear myself every day and I have ZERO self control. I cannot seem to kick any one habit fully.

I really feel like I need to be locked up for 3-6 months to get myself in to a state of stability

It's getting late on my side, so I won't develop this too much right now, but I thought you should know that you're most definitely not alone in all this mess at all. I deal with my own insecurities, and it so happens that I'm currently going through a particularly low period, which results in hyper elevated anxiety, nasty depression, stress level that goes through the roof, and a complete sense of loss. Unfortunately, all this triggers in me unhealthy behaviors comparable to what you described here, so I must admit that reading your message was like seeing a reflection of myself in the mirror. How long have you been in this state? What's on your plate these days? Do you work? Go to school? My problem is that the less work I have, the easier it is for all the rumination to seep in, and here I am now, in the middle of all this crap. It's a nasty, nasty state to be in, but you're not alone! And neither am I, I believe.

[alongroad]

Originally Posted by Tomboy

Have you had your thyroid checked? There is lots of evidence that the thyroid hormones have a role in the hyperactive and impulsive symptoms of people with attention deficit-hyperactivity disorder. Here's the link to an article on just that: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases...0312165726.htm
I'm not suggesting that this will cures anyone's ADHD but it might have an impact on your level of impulsiveness. Maybe you could do a bit of investigation on the web and then show your doctor the articles so he would do a blood test.

I will check it out. I am seeing my Dr next week Wed. I can ask him to do the blood work. That doesn't sound like a big deal. I will review it first, thanks!

Originally Posted by Azoox

It's getting late on my side, so I won't develop this too much right now, but I thought you should know that you're most definitely not alone in all this mess at all. I deal with my own insecurities, and it so happens that I'm currently going through a particularly low period, which results in hyper elevated anxiety, nasty depression, stress level that goes through the roof, and a complete sense of loss. Unfortunately, all this triggers in me unhealthy behaviors comparable to what you described here, so I must admit that reading your message was like seeing a reflection of myself in the mirror. How long have you been in this state? What's on your plate these days? Do you work? Go to school? My problem is that the less work I have, the easier it is for all the rumination to seep in, and here I am now, in the middle of all this crap. It's a nasty, nasty state to be in, but you're not alone! And neither am I, I believe.

I thought I was a rare breed. I have been like this for the better part of 11 years. The sexual stuff probably 9 years (once pressures of my divorces, seperation agreement with kids, new family and girlfriend stresses, etc).

Keep in mind, 11 years ago I was diagnosed with Depression. After a couple years (and more drs) I was depression with bipolar tendancies. Then later back to just depression (more drs of course). Then now its ADHD. 11 years, 7 drs opinions and here I am (for now).

My plate. Work Full Time. Busy after work routines (sports stuff for myself, girlfriend and kids).

For me the LESS I WORK I manage better. I tend to get in to most of my "bordem" at work! I am a in TechSupport for IT. I am so effeicent and quick that no volume of work is challenging enough for me. Sure some tasks keep me busy, in which case I am good to go. But currently, most tasks are so basic, quick and done in minutes that I have LOTS of spare time to FROLIC online

Hence why I want to be locked up. If I don't have to go to work or be around people I can't hurt myself or anyone else. Plus I can get my meds sorted out and off the marijuana as well. But I think it may take MONTHS of me being on some type of lockdown to regain any sense of reality.

Living 3 lives is a disaster.

1 - Normal Family/Dad at home
2 - Normal hard working dude at work
3 - Complete sexual impulisivess (maybe marijuana addict too)

So I look at it and everything is seperate. Nobody knows ME 100% because I don't like ME as I don't know WHICH ONE I AM at any time.

It sucks.

[pedalpounder]

It's a good sign that you're afraid of yourself because craziness doesn't know itself.

When I was a kid, I would retaliate with an impulsive violence when hurt emotionally or physically. At 12, an adult authority figure took me aside and talked to me. He talked to me with respect and understanding and gave me a picture of what my adult life would look like if I continued being violent. For the first time I wasn't being misunderstood and just given a lecture. I have never hit anyone since. It was almost a hypnotic thing. Whenever I've been frustrated, I've always reminded myself "I don't do violence". And in impulsive moments I would just freeze instead of swing.

People are most dangerous when they are hopeless / nothing to lose. Everybody has felt hopelessness at one point or another, and I certainly have. And everybody has had some 'everything is perfect' happy days. And when you're truly happy, that hopelessness you had before is just a vapor in your memory. I've trained myself to rationalize that the sequence of hopelessness/depression and happy days was intermixed in the past rather than all happiness followed by only hopelessness. And that since it was intermixed before, then it must also be after. Therefore, I rationalize current hopelessness to just a vapor of sometime in the future.

Don't get me wrong, I've wanted to kick people's ***, and stewed on it some. But anger towards others always subsides much more than anger at yourself. I rationalize that by doing something bad and going to jail for it, I'd just end up filling my days with regret.

Just cling to those threads that you're hanging by, and try to build some new ones. Hypnotize your impulsive self back into that cage, and keep on being worried about whether or not you're crazy and being scared of yourself. And take a medication vacation. Everyone has the right to be med free, and sometimes there's no better way of remembering what your natural feelings are than to go clean. Then you can decide what you really need/want to take.

[alongroad]

Originally Posted by pedalpounder

It's a good sign that you're afraid of yourself because craziness doesn't know itself.

When I was a kid, I would retaliate with an impulsive violence when hurt emotionally or physically. At 12, an adult authority figure took me aside and talked to me. He talked to me with respect and understanding and gave me a picture of what my adult life would look like if I continued being violent. For the first time I wasn't being misunderstood and just given a lecture. I have never hit anyone since. It was almost a hypnotic thing. Whenever I've been frustrated, I've always reminded myself "I don't do violence". And in impulsive moments I would just freeze instead of swing.

People are most dangerous when they are hopeless / nothing to lose. Everybody has felt hopelessness at one point or another, and I certainly have. And everybody has had some 'everything is perfect' happy days. And when you're truly happy, that hopelessness you had before is just a vapor in your memory. I've trained myself to rationalize that the sequence of hopelessness/depression and happy days was intermixed in the past rather than all happiness followed by only hopelessness. And that since it was intermixed before, then it must also be after. Therefore, I rationalize current hopelessness to just a vapor of sometime in the future.

Don't get me wrong, I've wanted to kick people's ***, and stewed on it some. But anger towards others always subsides much more than anger at yourself. I rationalize that by doing something bad and going to jail for it, I'd just end up filling my days with regret.

Just cling to those threads that you're hanging by, and try to build some new ones. Hypnotize your impulsive self back into that cage, and keep on being worried about whether or not you're crazy and being scared of yourself. And take a medication vacation. Everyone has the right to be med free, and sometimes there's no better way of remembering what your natural feelings are than to go clean. Then you can decide what you really need/want to take.

Thanks. I have been unmedicated for 80% of the 11 years.

Only as of late I have returned to medication. Meds or no meds, I seem to be in the same boat whenever stress is upon me. Whenever I get bored, I get in to the same boat.

I feel as if I was placed under intense supervision for a while and monitored I may find a way to cope.

It is stressfull alone to know WHY you do what you do, but even worse when you CANNOT STOP doing what you do no matter how much you regret afterwards.

But thanks your story, I am glad to see with the right approach one can find a way to cope.

[LaMbaL]

I can relate to the feeling of almost wanting to be institutionalized somewhere, as I often seem unable to take care of myself. I simply watch my life slowly crumble, not managing any of the things I should be doing as an adult, seemingly unable to do anything to halt the slow decent towards the gutter. Its so damn frustrating, and yet somehow I cant seem to care enough to do anything about it.

Fortunately Ive been finally diagnosed with ADD just two days ago, and have just started on methylphenidate. I hope it will help me get my life into order, or I will indeed end up either on the streets or institutionalized.

"Hey me! Save me, u b*stard!"

[alongroad]

Originally Posted by LaMbaL

I can relate to the feeling of almost wanting to be institutionalized somewhere, as I often seem unable to take care of myself. I simply watch my life slowly crumble, not managing any of the things I should be doing as an adult, seemingly unable to do anything to halt the slow decent towards the gutter. Its so damn frustrating, and yet somehow I cant seem to care enough to do anything about it.

Fortunately Ive been finally diagnosed with ADD just two days ago, and have just started on methylphenidate. I hope it will help me get my life into order, or I will indeed end up either on the streets or institutionalized.

"Hey me! Save me, u b*stard!"

Indeed. I have been degrading slowly over the years and didn't even know it.

I think because I degraded so badly, the girlfriend said go back to the doctors (as I was off meds for a few years and had no diagnosis except depression).

Now I am on all sorts of stuff and it was actually awsome at first. Then I got really tense and stressed and it all crashed down on me.... bah!

[Unmanagable]

Originally Posted by alongroad

Indeed. I have been degrading slowly over the years and didn't even know it.

I think because I degraded so badly, the girlfriend said go back to the doctors (as I was off meds for a few years and had no diagnosis except depression).

Now I am on all sorts of stuff and it was actually awsome at first. Then I got really tense and stressed and it all crashed down on me.... bah!

Just curious what other methods you've tried in addition to the medication. I'm thinking along the lines of nutrition, exercise, behavioral modification, etc.

I feel your pain to a certain extent. I was diagnosed 6 months ago and have been on adderrall IR. I feel like the clarity it gives me to focus and have somewhat of a clear head is a huge help. But, it also seems to be bringing other things I've been able to ignore into light and it's causing quite a bit of emotional turmoil. I've learned that if I neglect my nutritional intake and exercise for any length of time, BAM!, I'm right back in the ditch and feeling those feelings again. It's been a vicious cycle thus far.

Good luck finding the peace of mind you're seeking.

[alongroad]

Originally Posted by Unmanagable

Just curious what other methods you've tried in addition to the medication. I'm thinking along the lines of nutrition, exercise, behavioral modification, etc.

I feel your pain to a certain extent. I was diagnosed 6 months ago and have been on adderrall IR. I feel like the clarity it gives me to focus and have somewhat of a clear head is a huge help. But, it also seems to be bringing other things I've been able to ignore into light and it's causing quite a bit of emotional turmoil. I've learned that if I neglect my nutritional intake and exercise for any length of time, BAM!, I'm right back in the ditch and feeling those feelings again. It's been a vicious cycle thus far.

Good luck finding the peace of mind you're seeking.

Thanks.

I tried over the years...

Paxil
Celexa
Adderral
Lithium

Maybe 1-2 other things...

Today I am on...

Concerta
Wellbrutrin
Pristiq

... Honestly, if I actually had some sense of control over myself and my life, I would be able to afford to do things like the gym (I used to go 5-6 days a week).

Now I don't do squat.

I barely eat
I barely sleep
I take my meds when I remeber
I enjoy life best when I am intoxicated because I forget why im alive

meh... I dunno what to do.

its tuff

I have kids and a girlfriend and people I need to take care of! Its not like I'm young and at home. Bills, work, etc...

Nothing is working at all... Thanks for the support.