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Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships.

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Old 09-12-04, 01:59 PM
theobjr theobjr is offline
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Adults with ADD - Being afraid of a relationship

I can remember as a kid thinking that I may never get a girl to really want to spend a lot of time with me. As I grew up, I kind of accepted the fact that I may never have a successful romantic relationship.
The result of this is that I am very unexperienced in relationships and I am afraid to have a woman find this out. I can be charming in a first meeting, but I ALWAYS blow it when I try to set up a date. I've come to fear a negative reaction or a bad date, so I avoid dating altogether.
I do want to have a few relationships so I don't settle for someone that might not be right for me just because she may want to spend time with me.
I am trying to build my self esteem up at the moment. How do I stop obsessing over my inexperience?
Any suggestions will be appreciated.
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Old 09-12-04, 02:32 PM
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I pretty much never dated anyone in highschool or college & a few years out in the world later I met someone & it went smoothly with the right person when I was ready.
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Old 09-12-04, 03:50 PM
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Don't date, have friends of both genders. Getting a female friend will give you insight into the mysterious world of women. Oh, and don't believe the articles you find in magz like "Cosmo", I find the grown up women's magazines (no Barbies) to be more realistic. Dr. Phil and Oprah have good insight, not "Cops: Bad Girls". I married my best friend and the fire is still lit, so there's hope. (oh, and my hubby wasn't too experienced either)
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Old 09-12-04, 04:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by theobjr
I can remember as a kid thinking that I may never get a girl to really want to spend a lot of time with me. As I grew up, I kind of accepted the fact that I may never have a successful romantic relationship..
I am starting to accept this fact about myself but it centers on my bad history in relationships...My Biggest mistake was confusing love and acceptance when I was really being played and other bad stuff.

Quote:
Originally Posted by theobjr
The result of this is that I am very unexperienced in relationships and I am afraid to have a woman find this out. I can be charming in a first meeting, but I ALWAYS blow it when I try to set up a date. I've come to fear a negative reaction or a bad date, so I avoid dating altogether..
I have same fear...I am always afraid of saying the wrong things or my usual blurting out things that might embarass them....But When I worried about what they were going to think about me..(Like the world is going to end if I get so much as the "Crazy or Stupid **tch" look from em)..I wasn't being myself but rather someone I was pretending to be...I told myself that "I have to learn to accept myself and then I won't be so paranoid about being myself and even if I do blow it with this person...obviously if he is so quick to judge..who needs him??

I have to say, for a woman's POV, if I shown the slightest hint of low self esteem and depression...the users and abusers took advantage of it and in the end my self esteem was hurt worse....So I too am taking a LONG break from relationships and taking this time to work on my self esteem....If I want others to accept me and avoid getting hurt..Acceptance has to come from me FIRST!

So at the moment instead of focusing on the negative parts about ME I am exploring myself in terms of what makes me tic(mentally) and I Make a list of all the good qualities(from the inside cause outside don't mean a thang). Just to boost confidence, I think to myself how I can use it in a relationship to NOT blow it and not only make partner happy but me as well.

Like I believe everything should be 50/50 and I give just as much as I take. My parents taught me that and they were married for 34 years. Mom's a Widow I like to write poetry...So heh...I can write love poems and love notes just to show I care.

Of course, that is just me....What do You like about you?


Quote:
Originally Posted by theobjr
I do want to have a few relationships so I don't settle for someone that might not be right for me just because she may want to spend time with me.

EXCELLENT...Never Ever settle for second best for the sake of not being alone...that the first thing I learned ...Some times it helps to be friends at first because you and she can be used to each other should you take it further .This protects ya foremost from being hurt or having another disaster. Also, if she is right for you...she will be understanding and patient

Quote:
Originally Posted by theobjr
I am trying to build my self esteem up at the moment. How do I stop obsessing over my inexperience?
You are on the right track, hun, don't rush it...take this time for you and you will know when you are ready and their wont be a need to obsess or fear anything....Sorry for the long post but hehe here is a good way to sum it all up....

Dear friend, to thyn own self hold dear,
So, in love there is no need to fear.
If you don't want to just put your heart on a shelf,
You must first learn to love yourself.

Written by Draga, 3:37 pm on 9/12

I hope this helps, hun. Hugs to ya!
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Old 09-12-04, 11:21 PM
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Why are you afraid to let your dates know you're not very experienced in relationships? Have you ever told any of them? The worst that can happen is that you break up, which seems to be what ends up happening, anyway, right? If you're nervous on a date, just say "I'm a little nervous right now, how about you?"

My own dating history isn't that great, so maybe I'm not the best person to take advice from, but I've done these kinda things and not suffered a breakup because of it, so I'm pretty confident it will work.
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Old 09-12-04, 11:55 PM
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I have had bad experiences majority of my life...and the last relationship was the worst and I SUFFERED...so most of that advice is coming from experience and my own self exploration to heal myself..I also wanted to add this...

I understand y you are afraid..for the same reasons as you and a lot more...Not to scare ya...but it was my inexperience, low self esteem, and maybe even CoDependancy which made searching for that.."White Horse" made me blind to the fact that they were all JackAzzes....So me thinks we are both doing the right thing and not even think of relationships for a while......The more aware and confident I become...I might just see the jackazzes for who they are and finding THE ONE will be a hell of a lot easier....am I making sence cause I am in between worlds at the moment.
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Old 09-13-04, 08:26 PM
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BTW, Draga, you are gold.
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Old 09-13-04, 10:30 PM
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*Blushes Beet Red* Thanks Crime Scene...Hugsss
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Please do not think me cold, for I do want loving arms to hold, but I am so sick of being used and abused...If I die alone tomorrow I die unbruised.
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  #9  
Old 09-14-04, 06:43 PM
theobjr theobjr is offline
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I needed that

Thanks Draga. I love your poem! I'm going to write that down and put it in a place where I can read it often.
It felt like therapy when I read your responses. I hope I don't owe you any money.
I do make close friends with women when I work with them. I just don't know how to ask them if they want to hang out without it sounding like a date. I also don't want to hurt their feelings by letting them know I just want to be friends. Also, I job hop a LOT and I usually quit for a stupid reason I am embarrased by.
I never go back to the job, so I lose contact with those that I do become friends with.
This may sound like a dumb question, but how do you be just friends with someone when you are attracted to them or they are attracted to you?
How do I ask a woman out without asking them for a date?
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Old 09-14-04, 06:47 PM
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First rule for men talking to women: You are cooler than them. It might not be true, but believe it, act like it, and it will work for you.

As for asking them out without asking them for a date, just call them up and say "Hey I'm going ______, want to come along?"
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Old 09-14-04, 07:26 PM
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hmmm...I'm not afraid of a relationship. But I've been told...I'm utterly "untrainable."

*sticks head back in commode*
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Old 09-15-04, 12:57 PM
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I'm afraid of dating someone because I've been hurt by every one I've dated, married, raised by. I have a major trust issue and I am starting to wonder if my heart is frozen!
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Old 09-15-04, 01:28 PM
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I would try some of these sights like eharmony.com and ones like that, those are the ones I am trying. Were all human and we may think sometimes that it's us but it's not. Society out there is so judgemental on many things it leaves us with no choice but for us to throw our arms up and say the hell with it. I am working part time and going to school full time, but I have to admit having someone to hug and kiss and be with you with those moments is something I truly miss. Yes, trust is a big factor, but its really wierd how our thought process is and then on top of that how do we accept ourselves? Someday it will happen, but like the song my John Michael Montgomery goes....

When I was fourteen I was falling fast
For a blue eyed girl in my homeroom class
Trying to find the courage to ask her out
Was like trying to get oil from a waterspout
What she would have said I can't say
I never did ask and she moved away
But I learned something from my blue eyed girl
Sink or swim you gotta give it a whirl

Life's a dance you learn as you go
Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow
Don't worry about what you don't know
Life's a dance you learn as you go

The longer I live the more I believe
You do have to give if you wanna recieve
There's a time to listen, a time to talk
And you might have to crawl even after you walk
Had sure things blow up in my face
Seen the longshot, win the race
Been knocked down by the slamming door
Picked myself up and came back for more

Life's a dance you learn as you go
Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow
Don't worry about what you don't know
Life's a dance you learn as you go

Life's a dance you learn as you go
Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow
Don't worry about what you don't know
Life's a dance you learn as you go
Life's a dance you learn as you go
Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow
Don't worry about what you don't know
Life's a dance you learn as you go

Life's a dance
Life's a dance
Life's a dance
Take a chance on love
Life's a dance
You learn as you go
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  #14  
Old 09-27-04, 12:51 PM
theobjr theobjr is offline
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That song is my life. Thank you!!
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Old 09-27-04, 04:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by theobjr
Thanks Draga. I love your poem! I'm going to write that down and put it in a place where I can read it often.
It felt like therapy when I read your responses. I hope I don't owe you any money.
LOL that's ok no charge............























THIS TIME

Honesty is the best policy, sweetie....Just ask flat out, "Hey you wanna go hang out somewhere...Not as a date but just friends." I dot think you'll hurt their feelings ...they just may respet your honesty. If a guy would tell me the truth(rare in these parts ) I would respect them just for that.
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