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Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships.

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  #16  
Old 09-27-04, 04:20 PM
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Draga Draga is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Keppig
I'm afraid of dating someone because I've been hurt by every one I've dated, married, raised by. I have a major trust issue and I am starting to wonder if my heart is frozen!
kassie, Do we live the same life or something LOL!
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  #17  
Old 09-29-04, 09:25 PM
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theobjr,

WOW, man, I could've written that EXACT SAME POST 6 months ago.

Seriously, I know exactly what you're going through. In HS (and even college), I rarely dated. Not sure if it was due to ADD, or the fact that I was like the LAST person to shave.

But just like you, I was always great with first impressions. The first time I was stuck in one-on-one time, I felt lost. I felt like if I engaged in a relationship, I wouldn't live up to that first impression I became so good at, and she would see all my flaws for everything they were and my self-confidence would crumble like a house of cards.

In many ways, I always believed in the idea of love. In other ways, I believed that at my core, I was "the lone ranger." I would ride my horse into the sunset all alone, and I accepted that.

I met girls here and there, extremely short-term "relationships," but I was always too afraid to expose my insecurities.

One night, about 5 months ago, I was in a bar of all places. I was dancing around, kinda goofing off, but I was totally into it. This beautiful brown-eyed girl comes up to me and says, "You're awesome." She smiled, then walked back to her seat.


I worked my way to that seat, and we started talking. Before I knew it, we were laughing and flirting and touching each-other's thighs, etc... This girl was so pretty and smart and fun to spend time with, and even though I only spent a couple hours with her that night, I felt real comfortable with her, and I was having a lot of fun.

I asked her friend, "What do you think, should I ask her out to dinner?" I'm not normally like that, but I felt different with this girl and didn't care about the possible consequences. Her friend said, "Yeah, go for it."

So I got back to talking with this brown-eyed girl (for the record, I was ALWAYS into blonde-haired blue-eyed girls before I met her), and I said to her...

"What would you say if I asked you out to dinner?"

She paused for a second, making me sweat, then she turned and gave a great big smile as she shouted, "YES!"

We went on our first date, and yeah, I was way nervous. In fact, I was nervous around her for the first month or so. She even told me she could tell I was nervous, and she thought if I was nervous with her, then I wasn't really into her. I told her to just bear with me and the more time we spent together, the more comfortable I would get.

I used to be so self-conscious about when to hold her hand, give her a kiss, look into her eyes, etc... but I've learned that you just can't give a flying rat's @$$ about that stuff, you just gotta do what your instinct tells you to do. Don't be afraid, just tell yourself, "F it, I'm going for it. If I go down being myself, then it wasn't meant to be."

Anyway, she was patient with me and we have a wonderful relationship (albeit, with a few snags, as previously reported), and she says she's never been so in love with anyone the way she is with me, that she thinks I'm "the one."

It's such a wonderful feeling to be in love. I never thought I needed it, but that's like a light-bulb telling itself it doesn't need to radiate light... that lightbulb is just fooling itself, and once you experience love, you're gonna light up like a halogen lamp and ask yourself what took you so long to turn on the switch.

You can't force the issue. I met the right girl at the right time and I'm totally in love with her. That girl may not come along for you for another 5 years or whatever, but you gotta throw your hat in the ring and at least give yourself a chance with some girls who you think you'd like.

My girlfriend is awesome cuz she's opinionated and we always have something to talk about. There's rarely a dull moment, something I used to be petrified by, so maybe you gotta be like me and find a pre-law student?

I wish you well, my man, and just know you're not alone. I felt EXACTLY THE SAME FEELINGS you posted. There's hope, so keep fighting the good fight, and eventually your dream girl will fall into your lap. Just make sure you take advantage of the opportunity when it presents itself, otherwise you'll regret it for the rest of your life.

:-D
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  #18  
Old 10-02-04, 03:26 AM
ADDandMULTIPLY ADDandMULTIPLY is offline
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  #19  
Old 10-04-04, 10:36 PM
m2k2p m2k2p is offline
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I am so afraid of relationships that I don't even bother. I don't see any remotely working.
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  #20  
Old 10-04-04, 10:53 PM
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we're all afraid of relationships, you're not alone in that. but the chance that something might work out and that you might meet someone that understands you is worth taking the chance every once and a while.
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  #21  
Old 10-05-04, 12:25 AM
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  #22  
Old 10-21-05, 11:37 AM
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I have been in the illusion of love before, a few times but that was only because these women feel in love with the artistic, sensitve me and then somtimes even years later couldent accept the rest of who i was all along. I feel for it time and time again because it is an ego boost for someone to say that they care about you. I am not innocent but i let them walk all over me because i wasent strong enough to be alone and suppressed everyting that i could to keep them around. Just recently, for the first time i started with all of my insecurities, fears, past ****, and low self estem and expected that person to run but it was better than faking it again. I never belived that i could find someone like this but she accepts those traits and knows (and made me realize) that i wouldent have the good traits that i do if i had never had to deal with the pain of my past. I learned that its ok, that i am trying and thankfully I now have someone who can see all of me and acceept and even Love me. Now comes that great fear of saying the wrong thing or screwing it up but that is a chance that i am finally able to take.
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  #23  
Old 10-22-05, 12:55 AM
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ADDandmultiply,

nice story and I'm glad things worked out for you....anyway, to me you're a little "lucky"...first of all, I have been to a LOT of clubs throughout the years and the percentage of "normal"(non-psycho's) woman you find that are good looking, nice, etc...is SUPER rare...I thought I had met a few, then they turn out to be the typical, bar-hopping, bimbo's that most clubs atract. Anyway, maybe I'm a bit jealous, cause I'm in a BIG time rut right now. Good luck to you and your lady.
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  #24  
Old 10-22-05, 02:40 PM
pith30 pith30 is offline
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Dont be to jealous. Im sure ill screw it up. I screw up everything else. Everyone i have ever cared for and shared my "true" self with has ended up just using me for what they need and then everything is my fault and im back alone. Isnt difficulty expressing how you feel and trying to explain how your brain works, when it is different or unusuall. Yah, so great that i can bearly stand to look at females. Im not saying we men are any better but i wouldent know...well acually, close male friends of mine have shown their deep feelings by stabing me in the back, and some well thought that killing themselves is some how showing love for anyone. Whatever, im jaded and that is probably what she will soon discover and well on it goes
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  #25  
Old 10-26-05, 12:29 AM
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pith, I can see a lot of frustration and lack of confidence in your messages....I can tell a LOT has happened in your life that has affected you....anyway, all I can say is to live in the present...don't dwell on past failures, etc..if you think this relationship with this woman is doomed, it probably is...CONFIDENCE!
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  #26  
Old 10-26-05, 05:51 AM
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I didn't have much experience either; I only had one relationship before my wife.

My wife is honestly the most beautiful women I have ever seen, so when she asked me out I broke up with my other girlfriend (we weren't getting along at all) and went out with her. I ended up marrying her. She's so beautiful, however, that I think it masked the fact that I was never in love with her.

My lack of experience with women, for many reasons, has put me into a fruitless relationship (except my son - he rocks!). I mean, she and I get along well, but there just isn't any spark.

Now, I'm older and I'm much more confidant with myself and I've worked out some of my issues. I see what I want but feel like I missed it; Now, my most important objective is no longer me, but my son so I can accept my life for what it is.

My point is (I'd get around to it eventually ) try as much as you can with the dating thing. It WILL build you as a person and help you understand yourself and others. I don't mean sleep around or anything, but get out with as many as you can, just like others have said before: approach it with a, "I'm doing _____, you want to go along?", kind of thing.

Otherwise, one day you'll look back and think, "Why was I so scared?" and be too late.

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