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Old 09-29-11, 07:13 PM
puzzle puzzle is offline
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Life...

Hey... Im new to the forums but not new to ADD/ADHD. Not sure if i can post this here but here goes

I Was diagnosed with ADD as a kid (as well as probably my entire family) and no one ever told me what i was dealing with or what ADD even is for that matter (i blame education at its roots). All i knew was that i had it and not many others did, it was fine though.. It didnt bother me because i had never given any thought to it, i didnt care and was just prescribed with Ritalin (love the stuff) so all was good. Or so i thought.

I come from an upper-middle class, rich to some, family. I attended a private school and had anything I ever needed. Should have been happy right? well most of you will probably guess i wasn't so back to the point. In school i was permanently depressed, confused, and you know everything that can come with ADD, i pretty much had it all... In its simplest form, i was on autopilot for the first 20 years of my life, with Impulsivity and Emotions running the show and having a say in everything.

I was a cesspool of problems and bad habits, most of which were self-inflicted (telling myself i never fitted in anywhere etc) but also from the people around me and the way they treated me..."ADD stands for Another Dumb D@#$" can work its way into your your head at that age... Had a psychologist looked at me during this time of my life i think they would have had a tough time trying to sort me out..

Comparing myself to others i posed questions, why am i not like that? why am i not normal?...This is/was dangerous, and it snowballed exponentially as you can imagine. Anyway at the end of the day, i FELT everything. Every damned little thing would bring tears to my eyes or trigger blind and seemingly uncontrollable rage. Eventually i couldn't separate my thoughts and emotions, they were one. I could not think without feeling it. With ADD my mind would drift anywhere and everywhere, so its safe to say... i felt ALOT. Its not hard to see all the wrong in the world when you look. The worst part of depression is finding comfort in it, you get used to it, eventually you'll find it easier and easier to sink into the abyss that beckons you. A whirlpool of disaster that sucks you in, going in circles (saying the same things to yourself over and over) getting pulled to the bottom and drowning in a sea of raw emotion. Someone must be able to relate..

Iím not saying I was depressed all the time, or was always negative but I never had any clue how much emotions controlled me, I was being taken for a ride. One of the upsides of being emotional is that I felt/can(still) feel an intense and heartfelt love for those I care/d about and that I would say was probably one of the only things keeping me from taking the easy way out. How could I think of killing myself when the first thought that comes to mind is someone else shedding a tear, for ME! that alone would make my eyes flood. Bearing this in mind, on many occasions I asked myself "would they actually care?" nothing can describe the feeling of love/hate/sadness/despair all at once, it left me exhausted and confused most days. I lost many friends due to misunderstandings and misjudgements, I donít blame them. I was saying and doing things I didn't intend to and then feeling the anguish of that on top of it all, and looking like a sad and pathetic fail at life in their eyes. Fun eh?

I cried myself to sleep many a time, only to wake up the next morning feeling fine (mostly) and just carried on with what I saw as life, a series of dealing with problems and emotions as they came at me, trying to decipher the purpose of it all, feeling hopeless.

There were of course other things that kept me going, music and computer/console games would entertain me for hours on end (impatience, frustration and sadness never straying too far). My introverted personality(Iíll explain later) brings with it a natural desire to problem solve and to reflect back on myself and self-criticize, I would do this and sometimes I'd say to myself "well thatís just stupid" and move on... other times I would dwell on it and get lost in my feelings, after all, i felt what i thought. Luckily my depression would last only as long as my ADD would allow it and it would come and go in cycles. Having the right friend, saying the right thing, at the right time could pull me out of it and make me feel happy again. More frequently, the inverse of that (wrong friend, wrong words, wrong time) would only serve to aggravate my emotional state and cause further confusion.

I stopped taking Ritalin at the end of high school by my choice (I thought it wasn't doing anything and didnít notice the effects while on it) and I seemed happy for a while, doing as I pleased. Slowly it caught up to me. Everything I had done in my life, all the bad habits, all the wrong perceptions, all the wrong attitudes, they were still there, and they had never left. Everything. I slipped again and again, over and over. I got back up and did what I did, dooming myself to the insanity of repetition.


Up until a few months ago this was my life. This is who I believed I was. Who I let myself beÖ


With an ever increasing curiosity to find myself and who I really was, I eventually remembered I had ADD and started to do some research, this at first helped to give me the sense that I was not alone and there were others like me out there. Then once again I carried on as I did beforeÖ Thinking that now that I knew what it was, it made all the difference. Knowing what it is isnít nearly enough but as you all know itís the first step.


This was the most confusing part of my life yet as now I wasnít sure of whom I REALLY was deep down, which part of the voice inside my head was my own. I came across this article titled ĎRevenge of the Introvertí ( www.psychologytoday.com/print/46944 )and every single word resonated with my soul and what I had felt my entire life, the most life changing thing I ever read. Anyone who has actually read this post this far should take the time to read this if you would like to learn something, if not about yourself, about the people around you. It made me at ease with a lot of personality problems I was trying to overcome. My ADD and extreme introversion have been fighting constantly against each other for the past 20 years of my life, causing a whole multitude of problems that I have overcome or am still improving upon. They are now in sync with what I want and who I am.


I started doing some light meditation, and it does wonders to clear your thoughts and impulses/emotions. Really recommend it, especially if any of you have a mind that tends to run races non-stop.


I have now found an inner peace that far exceeds the state of happiness in my eyes. It is infinitely more comfortable than depression and has let me regain my lost strength so much that I can safely say I will never sink back into that black pit that once nearly swallowed me. My emotions and impulses are coming under my control. Being able to toss; anger, frustration, impatience, boredom ( to name only a few) out the window at will, or being able to pull on your hearts strings without pain and suffering to see what makes you laugh or cry are just a few of the skills Iíve learnt. With a bit more time coupled with an everlasting peace and resilience I now believe I can do anything I want to.


I understand that everyone is different and not all of this can apply to everyone. But I hope someone actually reads this and it makes a difference to someone, somewhereÖ This is a chapter out of my life. Peace
(Iím back on Ritalin btw :P)
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Old 09-29-11, 10:00 PM
CaptainCadet CaptainCadet is offline
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Re: Life...

Quote:
Originally Posted by puzzle View Post
Comparing myself to others i posed questions, why am i not like that? why am i not normal?...This is/was dangerous, and it snowballed exponentially as you can imagine. Anyway at the end of the day, i FELT everything. Every damned little thing would bring tears to my eyes or trigger blind and seemingly uncontrollable rage. Eventually i couldn't separate my thoughts and emotions, they were one. I could not think without feeling it. With ADD my mind would drift anywhere and everywhere, so its safe to say... i felt ALOT. Its not hard to see all the wrong in the world when you look. The worst part of depression is finding comfort in it, you get used to it, eventually you'll find it easier and easier to sink into the abyss that beckons you. A whirlpool of disaster that sucks you in, going in circles (saying the same things to yourself over and over) getting pulled to the bottom and drowning in a sea of raw emotion. Someone must be able to relate..
Sorry, I didn't read much of your post (it's kind of long and I just got done with a looong bit of a post a second ago), but I wanted to say I felt a lot like that when I was growing up. Every night it was like everything hit me in the face repeatedly and all at once. Gah, I hated growing up.
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