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  #1  
Old 11-28-11, 07:01 PM
radiohead radiohead is offline
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Letting people go

Letting people go?

I just wondered whether anyone else struggles with letting people leave their life? I can decide that someone is not for me anymore and tell them so and within days sometimes hours I have let them back in even tho I have decided they are not right for me Why do I do that I don't get it?? It's not like I don't have any other friends??? My life can then get very complicated!!! Anyone else have this problem and do you think it is an add problem or just something everyone does
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  #2  
Old 11-28-11, 09:29 PM
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Re: Letting people go

Radio, detaching is just tough for some people. Frankly, I think that it's difficult for most- even ALL people.

Anytime you lose something- even by choice- you grieve. Believe me when I tell you that I would give anything in life to have my husband back. What I hear you saying is that you experience the grief of loss to an extent that you need to resolve it by re-connecting.

I could go on for pages about the specific neuro-chemicals that are doing this to you. Won't change how you feel, though.

When you recognize that you have strong attachment to someone, try letting go gradually rather than a sudden move. Slowly replace the person with other people and activities. When you feel comfortable, making a break will be easier.

(((hugs)))
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Old 11-28-11, 11:13 PM
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Re: Letting people go

It's entirely possible that ADD could be making this harder: the lack of proper executive function does make emotional control/impulse control harder. So that "mind over matter" in a case where you really don't want to let them go is damned tricky.

I certainly have this problem.
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Old 11-29-11, 01:23 AM
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Re: Letting people go

i have a hard time depending on the circumstances. unsure it's entirely related to adhd,but some portion of it may well be.

holding a grudge is especially difficult if the person sincerelyy apologizes. when someone's nice to me i also cave more often than not because i want things to work. in those cases it's hard for me not to go with my natural-seeming inclination to give another chance. i also, once i've gotten my anger/upset out tend to reframe things in hindsight because i don't carry emotions well once they've burst out of me. in short: i'm kinda forgetful and overall not prone to wanting to closethe door completely on another if we have a history.

taht's all with respect to friendships though. with other relationships i'm much better at saying "we're done" and being final about it so's not to mislead.
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Old 11-29-11, 08:44 PM
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Re: Letting people go

Thanks for the feedback Guys i think some of the problem is also related to my chronic lack of self belief. i make a decision and then have to unpick all the reasons why i shouldn't have done it I have a sick mind. I feel sometimes my heart is going to break under the strain. i do agree that i feel it intensely when i have lost someone for whatever reason. Also forgive and definately forget way too easily!!
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Old 11-30-11, 03:15 AM
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Re: Letting people go

I can certainly relate to this, it has to be really really bad for me to just let go and not have a hard time about it but for the most part I find letting go very difficult.

I left my ex partner who abusive to me pretty much the whole 14 months of our relationship and while I was glad he was out of my life and that the abuse finally stopped there was a part of me that grieved big time and it went on and on for several months, I lost the plot a few times even on this forums and sadly some of my actions cost me a few friendships as well so it was triple the grief if you like.

Usually when a relationship or a friendship comes to an end it's because the person is not right for you in some way, that the actual relationship or friendship has changed in a significant way and that their part through the passage of your life journey has come to an end....they no longer have a role in your life for whatever reason!

Grieving and having difficulty letting go is only part of the healing process.

Selena
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Old 01-09-12, 01:06 PM
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Re: Letting people go

For me, it was hard to let go the first time. Once I was able to let go, a week later I felt really, really healthy. So, after that experience, it has been a little easier to let go to the point that I find I use it now to protect myself from the embarrassing and humilating scene, when, everyone else knows, but me, that it is over.

Once you start letting go, it gets a lot easier. Still hurts deeply, but it maintains your self respect.
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Old 01-09-12, 02:06 PM
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Re: Letting people go

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Originally Posted by radiohead View Post
Letting people go?

I just wondered whether anyone else struggles with letting people leave their life? I can decide that someone is not for me anymore and tell them so and within days sometimes hours I have let them back in even tho I have decided they are not right for me Why do I do that I don't get it?? It's not like I don't have any other friends??? My life can then get very complicated!!! Anyone else have this problem and do you think it is an add problem or just something everyone does
I can't let people go even if they have a huge biohazzard stamp on their forhead. I just cant. I fight tooth and nail whether the person warrants such devotion or not. This is in my opinion my biggest flaw.
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Old 01-09-12, 02:15 PM
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Re: Letting people go

I let people go and take them back to create a stimulation. It's a change ! I hurt many people in the process. I learned not to do it anymore, but it definitely generates some kind of chemical response.
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Old 01-09-12, 09:10 PM
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Re: Letting people go

I'm the opposite – I let people go quickly, and shoot down possible friendships before they have a chance to develop as a defense mechanism. Years of having my boundaries violated and being taken advantage of by people have taught me that close friendships are not worth the trouble for me personally, and the detriments have historically outweighed the benefits. The downside is that I don't have anyone to confide in, but the upside is a lot less stress, so it's a wash.
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Old 01-09-12, 11:21 PM
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Re: Letting people go

Sorry, my response was really useless. I suddenly switched gears and went and made dinner. THAT'S an ADHD problem!

Anyway, I used to be like you when I was younger, and it caused me problems because I would hold onto hurt and anger for a long time. That can wear on you after awhile. However, I would say it's not specifically an ADHD problem because I know lots of NT people who do this too. My partner has trouble letting go of people even now, when they are generally not healthy people to be around.

As difficult as it sounds, the best way to let anything go for me, as well as others I've known, has been time and distraction. Dwelling on something is just about the worst thing you can do for your mental health. Many ADHD people don't do well without structure (raises hand), so keeping yourself busy with things you enjoy as well as keeping your social life occupied with more positive people should help. I know it's hard. Of course, if the loss is really devastating like a breakup or especially a death, finding as much emotional support as possible, whether that's through therapy, help from your family, leaning extra hard on a best friend, etc., is also key.

Most of my family died when I was in high school, within the span of a few years, so all I have left is my mom and dad. I was in denial about the whole thing for years, so I had a big emotional breakdown trying to deal with it all when I was in my 20s. I think it's healthier to express your feelings like you do than to be in denial like I am.
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Old 01-11-12, 07:37 PM
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Unhappy Re: Letting people go

Quote:
Originally Posted by VelvetTiger View Post
Sorry, my response was really useless. I suddenly switched gears and went and made dinner. THAT'S an ADHD problem!

Anyway, I used to be like you when I was younger, and it caused me problems because I would hold onto hurt and anger for a long time. That can wear on you after awhile. However, I would say it's not specifically an ADHD problem because I know lots of NT people who do this too. My partner has trouble letting go of people even now, when they are generally not healthy people to be around.

As difficult as it sounds, the best way to let anything go for me, as well as others I've known, has been time and distraction. Dwelling on something is just about the worst thing you can do for your mental health. Many ADHD people don't do well without structure (raises hand), so keeping yourself busy with things you enjoy as well as keeping your social life occupied with more positive people should help. I know it's hard. Of course, if the loss is really devastating like a breakup or especially a death, finding as much emotional support as possible, whether that's through therapy, help from your family, leaning extra hard on a best friend, etc., is also key.

Most of my family died when I was in high school, within the span of a few years, so all I have left is my mom and dad. I was in denial about the whole thing for years, so I had a big emotional breakdown trying to deal with it all when I was in my 20s. I think it's healthier to express your feelings like you do than to be in denial like I am.
Hi really appreciate the response. Have had a really hard time just lately so just about done in. Don't know if it is an adhd thing or symptoms of a difficult childhood. I always try to be positive but have to admit a bit floored at the moment. You seem to be out there doin your thing from what i have seen on your profile which is really cool. I am tryin to summon my strength back. I have never been one to give up but pretty low right now. Thanks for feedback.
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Old 01-14-12, 01:53 PM
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Re: Letting people go

Letting go is the most difficult thing that I do in my life.I feel the loneliness so badly after they gone.that's why it's so hard to do.
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Old 01-14-12, 08:35 PM
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Re: Letting people go

Hi guys thanks for all your input.Since I first posted this I feel differently to what i did. I have changed and I think it's because the worst thing happened the thing I feared the absolute most - i was left completely alone at Christmas because my partner finally ended our very difficult relationship. At first i was terrified and felt like i might not survive emotionally and felt like i had lost the will to live physically and just from the sheer terror of the anxiety i was feeling i couldn't eat and i couldn't sleep. But because no one was there to save me or that i could rely on i was forced to do something i always avoided before i was forced to believe that i could solve my own anxiety and that i could cope with myself and by myself. Having to rely on myself brought about a weird self belief that i had never been aware of before and even though I was and sometimes am really afraid sometimes i don't think i will ever again find letting people go quite so scary anymore because the most important person in my life left me and i survived. I now think it boils down to self belief and crucially not blaming yourself for why the other person is no longer there for you but also bein aware that no one can stand that pressure of bein 100% there for any one all the time and if we expect that maybe we do end up driving even the most patient people away. So although it was a terrible experience in one way in another it has been strangely liberating and i do feel stronger for it and like beradical said it has given me greater self respect. hope this helps some of you guys like you have helped me
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Old 01-16-12, 03:24 AM
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Re: Letting people go

Depends in my case I'm just scared of being alone, OR you want the companionship... In that case... Just be friends. :-)
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