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Old 10-05-04, 04:22 PM
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Women with ADD/ADHD - Husband can't stand ADD symtoms

Hi Everyone!

I am new to this community so I wanted to say all to all you lovely ladies !

I was wondering if any of your husbands get angry or frustrated with you because of symtoms of your ADD?
My husband is a very idealistic, strong minded, multi-tasker, with lots of energy, concentration and ability to have many hobbies and jobs at one time. He's a go-getter and accomplishes a lot. He is pretty much a freak of nature when it comes to the sheer amount of talents, hobbies, jobs, and vast knowleadge. He is a super intelligent productive successfull person... and I'm just trying to keep up.

I've lived with him since I've been 18 and he in many ways is my role model. But he gets very frustrated with my forgetfulness, how I get overwhelmed easily, how I have a hard time paying attention, how I am clumsy and although I am intelligent I say and do really ditzy things. He gets so mad at me and often his frustration turns to meaniness and he will pick on me and or make fun of me as a passive aggressive way to vent. He tends to yell at me and make me feel incompitant and stupid. He knows that he has a tendancy to do this and he has made improvements to not be mean and to be more patient with but I can tell he has to try really hard.

I was put on Adderall and it did wonders for me, even my husband noticed a huge difference, but now I can't take it anymore. I have somehow developed a bad anxiety problem and if I take the Adderall it enduces an attack consistantly everytime now. My husband is really upset I can't take this medication anymore because I am "unbearable to live with with out it". I am so afraid that I won't have the results that Adderall was giving me with something else and my husband will become fed up with me and angry. I am to the point where I get angry back. I am not doing anything wrong, he just wants me to stop it, to knock it off, and to change. But he doesn't understand that I can't just magically be cured, that a large part of those things are just who I am. I work full-time, the house is always spotless, the laundry is always done, I exercise regularly, the oil on the car is changed, doctor appointments are made and kept, I do everything that I am suppose to, I always have, even before Adderall, I just force myself to but it's the spastic, forgetfulness, clumsy, chaotic frenzy, and how hard it is for me to get all the things done that I do that upsets him. He thinks that I should be able to do all that I do and then more and not feel overwhelmed, like he can, but I simplely am not super human like is and I can't get him to understand that or my ADD.

Do any of you have husbands who expect them to be perfect? And the pressure is killing you because it's hard enough as it is just to accomplish daily taks with ADD on top of feeling overwhelmed from enevitablely forgetting something or doing something wrong. Arrrggghhhh!

Thanks!
XOXO, Bunny
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Old 10-05-04, 06:46 PM
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I question wheather or not I should speak my mind here............

Very carfully I say " Myself I would tell him to stick it where the sun doesn't shine"

But that is what I would do..........

I myself enjoy being ADD and I like who and what I am as a result of it , and if my wife was that demanding I am sure that I would not be living here

But that is me

I can't tell you what is right for you..........
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Old 10-05-04, 06:51 PM
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Has your husband educated himself about ADD at all?
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Old 10-05-04, 07:51 PM
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Ah, the Freak of Nature Husband Phenomenon. I know it well. Mine is a workaholic who is incredibly driven. He just doesn't get my laid-back nature, even though he admits that was what he married me for. I think it's important for our spouses to educate themselves, so they can be realistic about what they can expect from us.

You sound to me like a very functional ADD woman who is juggling a lot of tasks very well. IMO, he needs to learn to accept and respect you for the person you are ... to stop trying to remake you in his image ... and to immediately stop the hurtful criticism. If he's willing to try, you may be able to get through to him in couples therapy. It sounds as if he needs to learn a whole new way of relating to you.

I still like Garry's answer, though.
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Old 10-05-04, 08:14 PM
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Have you tried asking a doctor if there may be some time of anxiety med. that may be taken along w/ the Adderall? Hope things improve for you, Bunny! Jason
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Old 10-05-04, 08:41 PM
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Hi Bunny, I'm not on the forum very much, but your message struck a cord with me. I have been married to that kind of man for 37 years. The first 20 years were so frustrating, but with kids, you fumble through it. I never knew why I had the very same symptoms as you. However, 17 years ago, I stood up for myself and let him know that I may have my issues but I'm worthy of being respected 100%. We went to counseling which did help a lot. I still didn't understand my symptoms until last summer when I was finally tested and diagnosed with AD/HD. A lifetime of not knowing...how sad, but I'm so happy to understand "me" now. My husband attends some of the CHADD meetings with me and goes to my visits with the doctor. He now understands the AD/HD and feels a lot of regret for trying to make me something I'm not. He supports me and appreciates the humor that goes along with most ADD experiences. I am on Strattera for the ADD and also Lexapro for the anxiety and finally feel like everything is "even" now. Do get your husband to attend meetings with your doctor so that things can be explained to him. He may be intelligent, but he needs a big dose of empathy!
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Old 10-05-04, 08:44 PM
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Hee-Hee, Thanks Garry, and don't worry, you can always speak your mind!

I actually did get to the point where I told him that maybe we should get a divorse since I was always disappointing him and never good enough. That was the hardest thing I had ever done, although I thought about it, I would never dare utter those words because I was afraid that I was indeed very dispensible. But I looked at it like that whole, if you love him set him free kind of thing. Although I felt like I would shrivel up and die with out his love, I still did say it and still meant it.

To my suprise he that day he told me, "this is the worst day of his life, i feel like blowing my brains out even though i would never do something like that".... He showed me so much vunerableilty, a side I had never seen, he finally let his guard down enough to show me how much he needed me, how much I meant to him. This! Coming from a man who would tell people who were thinking of suicide to go ahead and do it, that people who said or thought those things were weak and pathetic.... This! Coming from a man who often told me how easy it was to get a divorse when he was angry with me! It was a huge. I knew then that I wasn't the little girl that he had had so much control over before but a woman that was now his equal. So things are better now, he controls the erge to lose his patience and he doesn't throw around the "divorse" word anymore. But he still has a long way to go, it's hard for him not to pick on me.

It's just so hard to get him to understand that I'm doing everything I can. That I don't act this way or do these things because I don't care about him or I'm not being thoughful of us, I have sent him a lot of information about ADD. But he just seems to be glad that I know what is wrong... so now I'm going to be fixed kind of thing. But I really need to get him to understand it more. Your right krisp, he needs to understand it more so he knows what he can and can't expect from and what he can't.

Good idea Jason, he just gave me an Rx for Valium but I feel like that drugs me too much and I need to take at least 10mg to get the panic attack to stop and 10mg is a lot for my size, after it works and stops the panic attack, I feel as though I've been tranquilized with a dart to the neck. Any suggestions of Anti Anxiety medication that doesn't have the sleepy/drugged effect valium does? My doctor thinks that it's stress endused panic attacks too, so they were given to me to take as needed for panic attacks, I am still convinceing him that the Adderall is causing it and we're playing phone tag as we speak trying to figure out what we should do. I really want to go on a non-stimulant version.

Thank you all for your replies! It really helps to vent to people who understand this condition. I'm really glad I found this forum!
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Old 10-05-04, 09:15 PM
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I can only speak for myself but Zoloft helped me a lot with anxiety. Adderall would make me more anxious, but I could handle it OK with the Zoloft, and when I finally got the Zoloft dose at the right amount, the Adderall didn't bother me. If you could FIRST get the anxiety under control, you might be able to go back on the Adderall. I hope you have a doctor who knows about this because it was very effective for me to be on two medications.

I use the past tense because I am pregnant so I don't take those meds right now.

Jen
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Old 10-06-04, 12:50 AM
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zoloft just made me throw up for hours and sent me to sleep
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Old 10-06-04, 05:51 PM
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christine777- It was good to read your post, it makes me feel more sane and not as angry with my husband to know that other people have had a similar expierence with their spouse. We have not tried counceling, but I would definately consider it. My husband seems to think that this is just something that I need to "fix" on my own, he really doesn't seem to want to be involved with it, I don't think he likes that fact that I have it. But I am going to try and get him to read more about ADD, I think if he just understood it more, he really wouldn't act the way that he does sometimes. I'm glad that you found medication that works for you and that you feel better and finally understand yourself more. I know that after I found out that I had this so many things about myself started to make sense. Especailly as an adult I am now understanding and researching it more, when I as diagnoised in high school it really didn't mean that much to me but know that I've read more about it, my life is so much easier. I just need to get my husband to understand, I think it will make it easier for him too, he won't feel like I am doing some many things intentionally.
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Old 10-06-04, 08:04 PM
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I've been in a relationship with someone like that and he too was not tolerant of any of my problems, even though I treated him like gold....it wasnt really reciprocal. You see, he has to have the DESIRE to understand before he will ever understand and become accepting of you. I don't know you but i'm sure you deserve to have your husband love AND accept you.
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Old 10-07-04, 12:53 PM
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Thanks hoosiergirl, I actually sent him an e-mail last night telling him my concerns with his lack of understanding (he was at work) when I talked to him after that he told me that he does read about it and is trying to understand it, that it's just very hard. He was sweet though, and said that we can work on it together.
It's a tough situation, I saw a post someone else and the title of the thread was something along the lines of asking if we thought that ADD people are attracted to perfectionists. I know that is the case with me. A lot of it is that opposites attract, he tends to be negative and assumes the worse of everyone, I am super positive and tend to see the best in people (to a fault). I think that we are more alike than than we are different but our differences are what make our relationship interesting and we learn and grow from eachother. My husband has been responsible for helping me be the person I am today, with out his influence, support and love I would not be where I am today. I am confident, independant, and motivated now, but because he had helped me become the person I am today, he tends to be controling. He has a hard time accepting me for who I am because he is so use to helping me change and grow and I think he tends to keep trying to change all the things that bothers him, continual progress towards what he thinks I should be and has a hard time seeing that although he has taught me a lot, and I am grateful, I am still my own person and he needs to except that and those things that he can not change because it is who I am.
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Old 10-13-04, 04:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bunnystar
Thanks hoosiergirl, I actually sent him an e-mail last night telling him my concerns with his lack of understanding (he was at work) when I talked to him after that he told me that he does read about it and is trying to understand it, that it's just very hard. He was sweet though, and said that we can work on it together.
It's a tough situation, I saw a post someone else and the title of the thread was something along the lines of asking if we thought that ADD people are attracted to perfectionists. I know that is the case with me. A lot of it is that opposites attract, he tends to be negative and assumes the worse of everyone, I am super positive and tend to see the best in people (to a fault). I think that we are more alike than than we are different but our differences are what make our relationship interesting and we learn and grow from eachother. My husband has been responsible for helping me be the person I am today, with out his influence, support and love I would not be where I am today. I am confident, independant, and motivated now, but because he had helped me become the person I am today, he tends to be controling. He has a hard time accepting me for who I am because he is so use to helping me change and grow and I think he tends to keep trying to change all the things that bothers him, continual progress towards what he thinks I should be and has a hard time seeing that although he has taught me a lot, and I am grateful, I am still my own person and he needs to except that and those things that he can not change because it is who I am.
well said bunnystar!
i can actually relate to you and your husband's situation..i don't know how much older than he is from you, but my husband was on the verge of 23 when i met him ...(i was 17)
i now know, looking back, that he was my security, my mentor, my rock. i love him more than i can ever express. we did have our issues though..unfortunately it is a tendency , i believe, for adhd ppl to think that we have nothing to offer, that we are weak in comparison to our peers b/c of our issues vs. their strengths...
but in reality..would you husband be half the superman and as easily if HE had adhd? not likely. not b/c its not possible..but rather he would have a lot harder road to travel on and perhaps be more compassionate towards you. but whatever. you can't make him have adhd too right? LOL
i know that you say he doens't like your disorder. neither does my husband..when we've been arguing i love to put in the "yes maybe we should divorce so you can marry june cleaver"
which is rude but you get the gist....my whole entire relationship i put him on the pedestal above me. and that is problematic. despite all the 'suffering' we cause our spouses what about the benefits?
for example, my husband may not have a wife that is on her knees scrubbing the floor but rather a sharp minded, witty, pretty wife that puts her nose in a book and forgets about him! what could be better?
i mean most men would love that lack of harrowing focus while they're watching sports right?
i felt like a total loser when i was younger and we would get into it about my forgetfullness..i would cringe every single time i said 'i forgot...' i can never to this day keep track of reciepts for our debit card...
but i've learned this..you only defeat yourself when you consider your spouse a better person. they need you to be a better person too...
you definitely understand whats going on in your relationship and it sounds totally unfair..i know that spouses go through their own issues and struggles trying to cope and understand but everyone in all relationships should know what effects one-will inevitably effect the other. for the good or the bad.
essentially
you guys are in the SAME BOAT
he can't have it both ways. he can't make you row your dinghy while he's waving on the beach to you ..and expect to be on your ship o' life you know what i mean?
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Old 10-13-04, 06:01 PM
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f_wcomboadhd, you Rock!
Totally, that is so true. Although we create issues, we also bring a lot to the table, we just function differenly. I am so glad that I found this forum, I've always felt so alone in many of my issues and to see other's going through the same kinds of things it makes me feel so good. One because I don't feel as alone, and also because I don't feel as broken or weak. I am starting to see more and more just in the short time that I've spent here that I have to stop looking at this as a disorder, a weakness and my problem, but rather how I am. It doesn't mean I will use it as an exuse but it means that I am going to be less hard on myself and more excepting of who I am and what I can do, and what my strengths are.
I do look at it like I am the lesser person in our relationship, that I am a burden, and that feeling has eventually driven me to the point where I felt like "why are you even with me if I suck so bad" kind of thing and that maybe we should get a divorse and I hate saying that, and I don't do it to be cruel or to upset him but I am tired of not feeling equal. And I see that it's not his fault, it's my own for letting myself feel like less of a person, less better, he wouldn't be with me if I wasn't his equal and I need to remind myself of that. Different but equal, right?
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Old 10-13-04, 06:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bunnystar
f_wcomboadhd, you Rock!
Different but equal, right?
I hope I can weigh in on this one as a spouse of a pwADD. My husband is truly very intelligent. I, many times do not feel his equal because of this. You definitely said some things that I, as a spouse, say all the time. ADD is a disorder, but not an excuse. It would be so much different for all of us and our approach would be different if there was nothing that can be done to help the disorder. But, the good news is, there is much that can help. My opinion is one of that no one in the relationship can truly work on the relationship and make progess unless and until there is a proper diagnosis and medication started. To me that shows the willingness of having a better relationship. I know you can deal with life without meds, but I do believe that is a good place to start so a person can have the ability see what really works best. I have a very close friend who has chosen to not be on meds anymore and works very hard, sucessfully so, to deal with her ADD.

There are many aspects of ADD I do not like either, but if I can see a really true effort to work on and try to correct some of this, then I am okay with it. I have learned along the way how I can be most helpful to my guy with some of his ideosyncracies. It is a package deal. Both partners have to willing to work. And the effort has to be 100%. The success does not necessarily weigh in at 100% but the effort needs to be there.
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