i'm going to copy in a post that i made in another forum, as it relates to this one greatly.
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Originally Posted by PlainlyOrdinary
so they say i'm bipolar II, but what do they really know? i have been on a litany of anti-depressants, mood stabilisers, and various tranqs. none of them worked in any noticeable or reliable way as to to alleviate my depression and, what they call, hypomania. this "hypomania" is actually rather infrequent. it really only happens when i'm in a very unfamiliar, confusing, or conflictual situation. my conversational style, i think, mostly accounts for my appearing to be "hypomanic." people tell me that when i talk, it's as if i'm giving a speech or doing a soliloqy. my depressive states are longer and more defined. i feel that my depression stems from a constant lack of energy, my obsessive need to over-analyse the past and over-calculate the future, my distinct lack of comfort and feeling of unsafety in anything not familiar or routine, an inability to concentrate on anything that isn't ACUTELY stimulating to my mind(and even then i quickly lose interest), my constant need to hide and compensate for my confusion regarding social interaction--verbal and non-verbal, the fact that i am basically incapable of having a conversation in a proper 2-way/give and take fashion(when i do talk about things that don't concern or interest me, it's an act. and it's VERY tiring), and most importantly...never feeling motivated to the point of action.
i have many goals, mind you. the issue is that the good feelings, garnered from the thought of achieving, do not outweigh the bad feelings i get from the constant confusion of "how to get there." so, until that ratio flips over, i'm doomed for flatline existence. i'm doomed to remain the king of unfinished endeavors.
and as a side-note:
i'm now in a search for a new psychiatrist. i had been in treatment for many years. i loved my psychiatrist. he was/is a great man, but he just could not let go of his sure feelings, concerning his diagnosis of bipolar II. i have been out of treatment for around a year, now. i've spent countless hours of countless days reading and searching for an answer. i came to this:
a) mild aspergers
b) add
...or perhaps...
c) bipolar and add--add being the primary itch.
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and also...
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Originally Posted by PlainlyOrdinary
i have a 10-day residential vipassana meditation course coming up on the 26th(my current obsession). upon my return, i'll be starting my search for a new psychiatrist. my inability to be around people or to be in settings i'm uncomfortable/unfamiliar with makes holding a normal job a current inpossibility. i'm now on social security disability and will begin to have medicare coverage on the first of may. my old psychiatrist worked diligently to ensure that i was approved on my first application. i was actually seriously considering going back to him, but i've not seen him in over a year. i called the office and spoke with margaret, his receptionist, and she told me that in the time since i've left, he'd only retained around 10 patients; most of his time is committed to the st mary's sleep clinic. so that was a disappointment, as i'm really not looking forward to telling my entire story to another psychiatrist. it took me around 2 years to open up to him and be sure that his motives, regarding his profession, were true and pure.
here is a list of the meds i tried while under his care:
effexor
wellbutrin
imipramine
paxil
zoloft
clomipramine
risperdal
valium
seroquel
lamictal
lithium
klonopin
restoril
geodon
ambien
zyprexa
also, i took benthanechol and amantadine to combat the urinary-ish side-effects of the tri-cyclics. and as another side note: after copious amounts of reading and study, i took it upon myself to experiment with adderall. my old psychiatrist was convinced it'd send me manic; likewise, he'd never prescribe. i said that it would not. btw, i was right. he was wrong. it didn't surprise me though, as i'm accustomed to being right 90% of the time.
i remember on several occasions, dr. bick would ask, "josh, please let *me* be your doctor." lol.
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and another...
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Originally Posted by PlainlyOrdinary
my main fear is that whoever i end up seeing will think that i am just a drug-seeker. i am very hesitant to ask for stimulant therapy. from the research i've done and from the conversations i've had with people in similar situations--bipolar/add, i've been told that a mood stabiliser and a stimulant, together, are a great combination for the adhd bipolar. i still feel though that i'd need an anti-dep to go along with it.
from what i hear the combination of topamax and dexedrine works wonders. i'm still very scared about how the psychiatrist will view me if i am assertive in my thoughts, concerning my treatment. i would HOPE that when he sees the laundry list of meds i've taken in the past, which can be confirmed by my medical chart and prior psychiatrist, that he'll understand thet i've gone years searching for something that will combat my depression, but STILL give me enough focus, energy, and motivation to actually do something with my life. and that i just cannot bear to think of going through another 3-4 years of trying the same meds that i know do not work.
based on research and talking to others in treatment, the combination i'd really like to try would be:
effexor xr
dexedrine
topamax
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is this a little how you feel?
__________________
"my name is josh. i'm actually a very nice guy. i just say rude things all of the time and talk about myself too much."
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