Mean Girls...what should I do?(please advise)

[sarahsweets]

Ok, I will try and break this whole nightmare down in a nutshell...

My daughter is being bullied. It started with these three girls.. they were all friends and then all f a sudden (due to the ring leader bad girl) they just stopped being nice to her. The head mean girl (nicole) univited her to her birthday party. She said she wasn't having it but then talked about it in front of my daughter. Ok, fine, it sucks but not completly awful. The it was rumors. Then it was after gym...
"Hey Rebecca,(my DD) do you think yure fat?"
Rebecca ( to Nicole) " um.. no I dont call myself fat or skinny"

Nicole (with her friends Cami and Teagan) " right.. we DONT think youre fat either"
This was done with crossing the fingers like they were lying and giggling.
Rebecca came home hysterical.
She does have a weight issue ( not fat but chubby) but I think that through healthy eating and excersise this will resolve itself.
The head mean girl Nicole was also paired up with Rebecca for a book project. Rebecca turned all of the work she did to this girl so she could "fix" it. It was turned in without a diagram that Rebecca did. This girl told her that she got an A an Rebecca got a zero. Another girl said she saw Nicole slip Rebeccas paper in the trash. I called the teacher who informed me that Rebecca did not get a zero, she got an 87. The teacher spoke to mean girl Nicole and Nicole lied and said it was turned in. The teacher knew this was BS and warned her.

The last straw was a dance. Rebecca begged me to go, even though I was worried that the mean girls would bother her. She went and a boy who is her friend asked her to dance. She declined. The boy wondered aloud why Rebecca wouldnt dance with him. Mean girl Nicole said " Thats because shes to fat and ugly. Thats right Rebecca you ARE to fat and ugly"

She came home in tears.
The following Saturday, she said she wanted me to home schol her, that she didnt want to live like this. Through all of these incidents I have spoken to the guidance counselor, the teachers etc. After the dance the principal called this girls mother and gave her detention and a monitoring with the counselor and called her mother.
On Tuesday Rebecca came home and said all the kids at school were talking about things on facebook that these girls said. She doesnt have a facebook, I wont allow it at age 11. My neighbor is friendly with one girls mm (cami). She looked up the facebook posts and fowarded them to me for proof. n facebook it said.
" the dance sucked because of Rebecca ____(her last name)
I hate her, she should die etc..
I immediatly was on the phone.This became abonified bullying,cyber bullying icident per the new bully law here in NJ.

After the school had its investigation both girls were spoken to, their mothers called,more detention etc.

Now here's the question...

My options beyond what was given as punishment is to pursue it through the police departments bullying officer fr an official report. I dont know if I should because part of me doesnt want to ruin some girls life over something that may have been a one time thing but deep down I know it wasnt a one time thing. DO I pursue this? I cant decide. They are supposed to stop and today will be her first day back ( she had bad nerves yesterday).

Is it worth it in the sense that any thnig will be done?

Here's the kicker. The mother of Mean girl #2 (Cami) was supposed to call me and apologize which she didn't. Lo and behold last night the mean girls were on facebook, not posting mean stuff but its like... did her parents even care? No computer punishment? If it was my daughter she would have been grounded from the computer for a long time. One girl even said they were only kidding and trying to plan a surprise for her birthday . *********.. Im no moron. I just dont know what to do.

I always go to bat for my kids and have no problems doing it now Im just wondering if anyone has done this in accordance with the new law? Did the bullyer end up with a police record?Did the school have to give a more severe punishment because of the police involvement?

I adore my beautiful girl and am so sad.Shes always had lots of friends but these mean Bi***es are making other girls dislike her I guess as a power play. I dont understand it, I raised my kids to be kind.. not perfect but kind.
The pain I feel for her is so great that Ive had to hide my tears and keep a level face so she doesnt become even more upset. I dont understand it. I love her so. Please offer any advice you can because I have to let the school know today.
Thank you all so much

[Lunacie]

I don't have any advice, but wanted to offer my sympathy. (((hugs)))

My granddaughter has dealt with some stuff like that, but if anyone has
said/written that she "should die" I haven't heard about it. I'm curious to
know what should be done in this situation as well.

[anticipate]

I would attempt to talk to this girls mother.

This sort of 'mean girling' has been going on for ages, but the mother should be stepping in and punishing her.

As for your daughter, you need to be focusing on building up her self esteem and finding a new group of friends.

[Abi]

Don't take your Lamictal (and Geodon?) for 2 days.

Then go visit the mean girls.

[LynneC]

My options beyond what was given as punishment is to pursue it through the police departments bullying officer fr an official report. I dont know if I should because part of me doesnt want to ruin some girls life over something that may have been a one time thing but deep down I know it wasnt a one time thing. DO I pursue this? I cant decide. They are supposed to stop and today will be her first day back ( she had bad nerves yesterday).

Sarah, I'm so sorry your daughter and you are going through this.

I think, if it were me, I'd call the mean girl's mom and tell her that you do not plan to pursue this with the police department at this point, but if another bullying incident of any type occurs ANYPLACE (school, after school, facebook, etc) that you will be forced to report that Facebook post to the police.

[Fraser_0762]

Get her to take up kick boxing.

That way she'll lose weight and kick that girls *** at the same time.

I hate bullies, I despise them completely. Whenever I see someone bigger pushing around someone smaller, I just snap completely. I guess it brings my own awful memories back where I wish I stood up for myself but didn't.

[Blueranne]

That is total BS what they have done to your daughter. I would ABSOLUTELY fill a report with the police. Besides, what's the worst punishment she could get, community service? Show those little brats, their parents, and the community how serious bullying is. The harsher you come down on this the more effective it will be in preventing further bullying, not just to your daughter but for other kids to. Let's not forget that bullying is growing as a lead cause is teen suicide. Sarah, don't be affraid to make a statement!

[KronarTheBlack]

You should file a police report. It won't affect the mean kid permanently but what they are doing to your daughter could last her whole life. If it was me I would take a knife get the kid alone and kill their pet in front of them while saying they were next if they did that **** to my son but then again that is a measure of last resort. But there are not many options with bullies in school if the parents and teachers won't put a stop to it.

[angora]

I've been in tears over facebook postings that I found about my 13 yo son for a week now. I don't understand how kids can be so cruel and have parents that think it's ok.

We don't have the same laws here and there were no threats involved but in the future make sure you get and keep screen shots of anything like this so you have a permanent record just in case.

I contacted some parents (after I calmed down and was rational) to ask them to review their kid's accounts and remove any material meant to humiliate, embarrass or exclude my son.

The first parent to receive it called late last night. His child first tried to deny and minimize some of it so I forwarded the screen shots of a page was deleted on the weekend.

Unfortunately this parent coaches a team my son is on and when I woke-up this morning after a relatively sleepless night, I am left with the feeling that he felt the behavior was not all that bad and caused by my son's differences.

I still think I did the right thing and hope I get a different response from some of the other parents.

It's not ok for kids to be bullied and it's not ok for adults to minimize or excuse the behavior. A friend said she is sick and tired of seeing kids killing themselves because of bullying and counselors then rushing in to make sure the bullies and people who watched it happen aren't scarred by the trauma of suicide.

I think you should talk to the other parents and keep records. If it continues or escalates you can take it farther.

[Luvmybully]

Oh Sarah! How awful!

It is so hard to see your child being hurt. I think the bullies keep doing it because they feed off the attention it gets, mostly from the other kids. It's a power trip.

My oldest daughter went through a rough time in middle school, but she never told anyone til years later. She was terribly hurt on a daily basis, but she had a group of friends and activities outside of school so she was able to get through it.

Hannah was tormented when she changed schools in 8th grade. The FIRST freakin day she got in the car afetr school she said, "Guess what?!? I had sex with ALL the 8th grade guys!"
I said "Wow you are talented! I hope you are charging enough to pay for college!"

Buy the end of the next day it was the whole middle school, and by the end of the first week, it was the whole high school. (it was a charter school).

Hannah likes to handle her problems on her own, and she spent a LOT of time with the guidance councelor. Those little a **holes at that school gave her hell for the entire year, and the ringleader was the principle's daughter. She was a Junior and a complete b *tch.

Hannah 'met' a few of the middle school girls in the bathroom one day, and let's just say they never botherd her again. Hannah is not afraid of a fight-those stupid girls decided to pick on the wrong kid! Hannah doesn't cry-Hannah kicks a ss. Once they realized that they weren't going to get to Hannah, several of them apologized and they became friends.

After she left that school the principals daughter finally got what was coming to her too-she must've had a REAL eye opener because she texted Hannah like a year later and apologized for treating her so horribly. The principal is no longer the principal.

I do realize that not all kids, especially girls, are like Hannah. I have a friend who's daughter got pcked on a lot and she (the mother) ALWAYS intervened. The girl was never able to handle anything by herself until she was a junior in high school. She STILL has self esteem issues.

The biggest thing I think that helped my girls was having something outside of school that they could look forward too. A different set of kids to be involved with. An activity they loved and were good at to focus on instead of drama at school. It also gave them self esteem. They KNEW those mean kids were just talking, it had no real meaning. It didn't make the hurt go away entirley, but it helped to make it not crush them.

I think karate, kick boxing, self defense, is a GREAT idea! It teaches self discipline and is a wonderful confidence booster, never mind how good the exercise is.

And yes I think you should file that police report. Whenever a child posts a death threat, no matter how it's worded, they need to KNOW how badly they screwed up and that it is profoundly wrong with serious consequences. You really don't have many options as far as consequences for that horrid behavior goes. If the parents aren't handling it, and CLEARLY they are failing to make their children understand the seriousness of this and aren't doing enough to deter them, then your only other option is the police report.

[Lunacie]

I think there's been some good advice here. I do think you should talk to
the police, whether you actually file a report or not. Doesn't hurt to have
that as backup in case things continue, or gods forbid, escalate.


My granddaughter was the target of a bully when she was in primary
school. The boy tormented her at school, on the bus on the way to and
from school, and here in our neighborhood. He lived just down the block
from us. When he actually chased her from the bus stop to our house one
day, with her crying and him laughing, I called his mother and told her that
it must stop.

She told me that it was my granddaughter's fault for being different, for
being a "drama queen." Yeah, that's a common accusation for kids who
have ADHD ya know? I told her that it wasn't an excuse for her son to be
a bully!!!

About an hour later she marched him to our door to apologize. He didn't
look at either of us, and he didn't apologize, he just nodded his head when
his mom told him to apologize. Fortunately they moved about a year later.
Meanwhile, my daughter enrolled my granddaughter in TaeKwanDo, best
thing she could have done at that time.

[Pamplemousse]

Definitely take it up with the school or something. Like others said maybe file a police report. Maybe scaring the living **** out of these kids will eliminate this nasty behavior.

A boy in my brother's middle school just killed himself a few months ago because of bullying. Also, when I was a junior a girl killed herself who was a lower-classman because of bullying.

I would hate to see anything horrible happen and doing something about it is probably beneficial for you and your daughter's sanity.

The remarks that are being said are completely unacceptable. I would be so hurt, too. It also wouldn't hurt as others mentioned to allow your daughter to learn certain defensive skills. Never know when they can come in handy, too.

[pechemignonne]

Originally Posted by Luvmybully

The biggest thing I think that helped my girls was having something outside of school that they could look forward too. A different set of kids to be involved with. An activity they loved and were good at to focus on instead of drama at school. It also gave them self esteem. They KNEW those mean kids were just talking, it had no real meaning. It didn't make the hurt go away entirley, but it helped to make it not crush them.

I think karate, kick boxing, self defense, is a GREAT idea! It teaches self discipline and is a wonderful confidence booster, never mind how good the exercise is.

This is excellent advice.

I was also picked on in school, but because outside school I had friends and things to do that I actually excelled at, it didn't matter as much.

If you can broaden her horizons and improve her self-esteem, they won't be able to bully her as much.

That said, there is no reason why you can't pursue the other options in terms of consequences for those children- which I think should really be consequences for the children's parents, because I don't doubt they learned that behavior somewhere and at the least the parents are looking the other way.

I know that my bf's once caught his son writing something inappropriate on a chat and my bf was on it like white on rice. I can't imagine what would happen if he caught him saying that another kid should die on facebook. I don't think he would be allowed on the computer unsupervised for a long time...

It's their jobs as parents to teach their kids not to act this way. If they aren't doing it, there should absolutely be consequences.

Think about it Sarah. I doubt your daughter is the only one to have come up against these girls. So it isn't like you're being an overprotective mother, you are doing what needs to be done to intervene and stop this situation from escalating, whether with your daughter or some other unfortunate child who doesn't have as great a Mom as your daughter is lucky to have.

[Lunacie]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

My options beyond what was given as punishment is to pursue it through the police departments bullying officer fr an official report. I dont know if I should because part of me doesnt want to ruin some girls life over something that may have been a one time thing but deep down I know it wasnt a one time thing. DO I pursue this? I cant decide. They are supposed to stop and today will be her first day back ( she had bad nerves yesterday).

The bolded part jumped out at me the first time I read through your post -
but having ADHD that got lost in what I read afterwards.

I just want to say that I don't believe that you holding these girls
accountable for their bad behavior puts you in the position of ruining their
lives. Their parents should be looking at their own behavior and how they
treat their daughters - in my experience this behavior is learned at home. And the responsibility also falls on the girls themselves.


If you don't support your own daughter, you could indeed be responsible
for letting this ruin her life. That's the person you should be concerned
about here, your daughter, not someone else's daughter.

[ccom5100]

The mean girl's mom might be too embarrassed to call you. Maybe her daughter has adhd and/or some other behavioral problems. I would reach out to the mom and ask if we could meet for a cup of coffee or something and explain how this is affecting your child. It's not helpful when everyone is jumping on the confrontational bandwagon. I don't think you should get the police involved until you've had a chance to discuss this with the girl's mother.