Does It Drive You Nuts When You Have Too Much Down Time

[Joker_Girl]

My whole life, since I was aged 13, i have had at LEAST one job. Always. I am constantly on the go.

When i was in college I did better when i would take a huge class load (18-21 credit hours/semester) than if i took 12 credit hours. If i took a smaller class load, I would sometimes find it to be the case that if i had only one class, some days I would be like oh i dont feel like having to get all dressed up and go to that. Then, I would go and get into some sort of trouble....since i was young, usually sex, drugs, and rock and roll were involved.

I was much more grounded when my schedule was very rigid and I had to work a lot and have a lot of classes and busy all the time. I just do better when my life is very structured and I can't mess around a lot.

It was not unusual at times for me to work 30+ hours a week plus carry a full time class load.

Since I married, i have been a wife, mom, and worker. I have always carried the majority of the load at home with taking care of house and kids, cleaning, cooking, laundry etc. I don't know why, and my husband will help, but i usually have done most of it. In addition to that, I have always worked full time at the family business and part time as an RN. And still always felt like i needed to do more and wasnt trying hard enough.

About 4 years ago, i tore out my right ACL and meniscus. It was painful, but i felt there was no time for me to have surgery, so i just ignored it and tried to hobble around the best i could. Eventually, it sort of got better, but of course it will not heal without surgery, and it has gradually gotten worse. I have reinjured it several times as it will go out from under me and i will fall. This has happened at work, as well as twice i have taken a trip down the basement stairs, once breaking my foot.

All my life, despite any injury or illness, i have continued to work and most people have not realized i have been in pain because i do not say anything. I figure it is pointless to complain and makes me look like a whiner so why bother. I have done things that others have just looked at me in disbelief and said how can you be so tough? I don't think it was tough. I just didnt feel i had a choice. A week after my abdominal hysterectomy, i went back to work at our business. So my guts didnt fall out of my incision, i simply wrapped my stomach around and around with an ace wrap and taped it up tight so i could be on my feet all day. Other people since have told me that is unbelieveable. I didn't think it was. Sure i knew i was in pain but i had to do what i had to do. I have worked with broken limbs, taken care of the household. I just didn't know that NOT doing this was an option. I was envious of people who didnt live this way, but it was not worth complaining, because i knew my life was simply different than theirs. Life is not always easy and you just have to keep trying.

Well i have known my knee was becoming worse, but i have ignored the pain, probably caused by reinjuring it multiple times. I am sure it is a mess of scar tissue. It has begun going out from under me frequently, so i have to be careful if i am on concrete or going up and down stairs, i have something to hang onto. I know, in my heart, one more bad fall and i will not be able to walk at all.

Because of this, i managed to injure my other knee, falling due to the bad one. The Dr said she felt there were no internal injuries in the left knee, but the right knee can wait no longer and must be repaired. I knew in my heart that it is indeed true.

This is the first time in my life i have not been able to press through to do what needs done in spite of pain or illness. This is the first time that no matter how strong my will to keep going, my body has failed me. I can't even keep the house clean. Even 15 or so minutes on it, will result in pain and i have to take a break. I DID work my weekend, 3 12 hour shifts, at the hospital last weekend, because when i tried to call in, there was no other RN and i did not have the option to miss. I worked with knee braces on, in extreme pain, consumed massive amounts of ibuprofen, and was unable to sleep for two days due to my knees (both since i favored the bad one) being so swollen and painful. I was given a script for Vicodin and an MRI is set up as well as an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon. I was also changed at that time to Celexa 40 mg (vs 20 as before) and Vyvanse 50 mg (vs Ritalin 20 mg 3 times a day before), not that those med changes have anything to do with the situation.

Now i am in a situation I hate. I cannot go to work at our store, i attempted the other day and only made it about an hour. I cannot maintain the house as i like, I cannot go to the grocery store because walking is painful. Simple things I take for granted are impossible. I cant bathe my German Shepherd because i cant kneel down and wash her while she is in the tub. I cant go out in the yard and try to clean up my flowerbeds. I cant walk around long enough to do much cleaning other than small amounts of laundry and dishes. I stained a door (why?!?!) the other day and i had to take 3 breaks.

Mostly now i am in a situation (intellectually i know its not valid, but i can't help how i feel) where i feel like i am worthless and have no purpose. I feel that without work (both jobs) and a home to care for, i have no purpose in life, and i am nothing. If no one is around, i spend a great deal of time lying on the bed or sitting in the recliner crying or staring at a wall. I feel like a broken horse with a broken leg....its good for nothing, and it might as well be shot. I can't stand to watch tv, ive tried to cheer myself by reading about some projects i can do when i am better, but then i am just sad that i cant do them now. I want to cook things, i love to cook.....but i cant stand in the kitchen long enough to make too much of anything.

I feel like a lost soul without a purpose. And i have two more weeks until i see the surgeon. If he gets me in right away....well, at best, i have two more months like this. I feel like i am in prison.

When my husband comes home from work (our business) i feel so sad. He worked all day and here i am just sitting in the chair like a fat toad. Didn't get anything done all day. I feel so guilty and lazy. I know it doesnt make any sense. I miss our business. I miss being able to go and do things. Sometimes i cant wait to go to sleep so i can forget for a while that i am like this. But all i have to do is roll over on my knee wrong and i wake right up!

Does anyone else get like this, so stir crazy they just want to die, when they have a lot of free time and live a less than structured life? Is there any way a person can learn to enjoy "vacations" like this a little more?

I am in a way thankful they upped my antidepressant. I do like this Vyvanse too. No more up down up down up down. I am sure if i was still on the Ritalin i simply would not take it right now. I don't really need it. But it seems the Vyvanse i do not feel the ups and downs so much, i cannot really feel myself coming up or crashing, and it is such a mellow drug. So even though i have no reason to need medication, i have been taking it just to enjoy the mood brightening, mellow calmness it gives me, as well as the ability to not want to be up messing with something every 5 minutes.

I just wonder if i am the only one who cannot handle down time. Something i should be enjoying if anything. Evidently i am just completely insane.

[KCTang]

Wow, that's quite a post.

Firstly, try to avoid thinking and saying the word 'should' when it refers to your responsibilities. ie there's no such thing as you "should be enjoying" downtime.

If it's not your thing, its not your thing. You are who you are (sorry for paraphrasing Ke$ha).

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Secondly, your gogogo attitude is natural of your ADHD subtype. I'm assuming you're more Hyperactive-Impulsive than even Combined-type, otherwise you might enjoy a bit of daydreaming here and there. So you're completely normal. Considering the ADHD subtype you have, that kind of attitude is normal.

Don't get caught up comparing yourself with people without ADHD or even different kinds of ADHD. Comparing isn't productive. They don't have your brain. If they did, they would act how you're acting and they would be normal within their context.

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Thirdly, are you being lazy? Yes. Yes you are being lazy.

I say that because that's what you're telling yourself, so I'd get nowhere trying to tell you 'you're not lazy' when your inner self feels otherwise. Are you less productive than before your bed rest? Absolutely.

Can you do anything about it though?

Not a chance. You'll kill all future productivity by rushing for current productivity. You know the math. 0% productivity during rest for a few weeks/months is better sacrificing 50% of all future productivity because you caused permanent damage to your knee.

Being accepting of the 2 sides to your frustration might help you get past the inner conflict you're feeling.

Now, is there some way to channel your need for productivity into something that can be done during bed rest? Obviously you have your computer with you. Is there something you can do on the computer that can temporarily satisfy your need to stay productive?

Maybe keep the books for your family business? Learn something through an online course?

Start a website? A blog? A web business? 20 differently-themed online book clubs?

[Fuzzy12]

I'm sorry you haven't been doing so well. I hate, hate, hate being ill because I worry like crazy about all the things on my to do list that I should be doing (though unlike you, I guess, I don't do them even when I'm healthy). I always feel as if I'm running out of time. It's so frustrating when you've got a dozen things on your mind that you want to do but you can't.

I don't do well with unstructured off-time. I really look forward to it, plan a dozen things but then end up wasting all the time browsing the internet or watching TV.

It's strange though I constantly waste so much time, I never plan to not do anything. I can't even imagine something like just lying on the beach and chilling out.

When my husband comes home from work (our business) i feel so sad. He worked all day and here i am just sitting in the chair like a fat toad. Didn't get anything done all day. I feel so guilty and lazy. I know it doesnt make any sense. I miss our business. I miss being able to go and do things. Sometimes i cant wait to go to sleep so i can forget for a while that i am like this.

I can relate to this. I feel so guilty too about my husband working hard when I'm not. It sounds to me though as if you've done your part of work already. Maybe your husband is enjoying this opportunity to pamper you and see you relax for a change.

I agree with the poster above on channeling your energy. Even if there's nothing you can do for your business while lying in bed, maybe this is the time to learn a new language, learn knitting, or something like that..

[ADDinHDefgHi?!]

Are there things you can do that don't involve standing up? Even if they are just hobbies, sometimes just getting something done can help a lot to distract your mind from the feelings of worthlessness.

It sounds as though you work very hard and deserve some downtime even if you don't want it. I know I was working day and night for a long time, never wanted to stop, when things slowed down I felt like I was going crazy but it turned out I needed to decompress. My psychiatrist had even told me before this happened to take at least one day every week and do nothing but relax.

Well, I have just as hard a time relaxing as you do, I'm figuring out that I need to learn how to relax since I tend to attach my feelings of self worth to how well I'm doing my job.

Maybe there is a hidden opportunity in your present condition even though it doesn't feel like it right now? I don't know, but I'm home today because the work I had got cancelled last minute and it took me about three hours to calm down enough to just relax. Maybe if I was independently wealthy I wouldn't mind down time as much but that's not the case.

I hope you feel better soon!

[Rebelyell]

[Joker_Girl]

Yes, i am very hyperactive-impulsive and less inattentive.

I was talking to one of my friends today and she gave me an interesting little perspective.

As painful as this is, maybe it is a gift from God, to help me learn patience and that i do not always have to be in control of everything and micromanaging everything.

One blessing is my husband is REALLY learning that he is actually intelligent and capable enough to run our business with little help from me. He has always relied on me heavily and he is getting a nice confidence boost seeing that he is actually able to do a LOT of things he didn't know how or claimed he couldnt do.

Also, hubby and the family are learning just how much work mom normally does that no one even realizes.

As miserable as this is, as much as i HATE HATE HATE HATE it with every fiber of my being, as much as being helpless rubs me completely raw, there may be some good come of this.

[Joker_Girl]

I just cannot get out of this funk. I have been on these new meds for almost 2 weeks now, i just don't know about them...i like them better than the Ritalin but i dont know. Maybe starting a different med when my schedule is not normal was not a good idea. There are things i really like about it, but i have not been on it long enough to know for certain. They upped me to two Celexa (antidepressants) instead of one each day, and i dont know if that is helping. I hate the way Celexa makes sex terrible.

Maybe i should not even be on meds when i am off work, i mean it is not like i have a reason to need to be on top of my game, when all i do is lay around. Or do stupid stuff. Today i decided this window needed to be painted. A big window. So i disassembled it and sat on the floor in the kitchen with it all spread out on a newspaper painting it, and completely forgot the MRI of my knee scheduled for this evening (even though i mentioned it to my husband several times today). Thank God the hospital called me, or id have missed it. Even though my knee was hurting, i would have remembered it tomorrow or something.

Im so tired of being this way. I worked my 2nd job last weekend, other than that, i worked maybe 4 hours at the family business doing billing and that was it. Otherwise i have held down the chair here.

Its very very frustrating. This weekend has not been so bad cause hubby and daughter are here. Tomorrow i dread though. Unless my friend comes and hangs out with me, i will probably just spend the day crying and feeling sorry for myself.

I wish i would have been more careful and not hurt this knee in the first place.

[Rebelyell]

I dont manage time well too good,i either get very anxious and overwhelmed and do nothing or i walk around in circles like a dodo bird and it takes 2as long to get done.being in pain is a different story tho

[spunkysmum]

No, it doesn't drive me nuts because I always have lots of ideas for stuff I can do with downtime, but I still usually end up wasting it a lot.