Frustrated & at wits end

[Reese66]

Hi everyone. I'm 33 years old and live in Ontario, Canada. I have a 9 year old from a previous relationship and a 2 1/2 year old with my husband of 3 years. We are a pretty close family and my 9 year old loves his step-dad.

My 9 year old was diagnosed ADHD two years ago. We reluctantly started with Ritalin then last year changed to concerta and he's now at 54mg once a day. Since Concerta things have been so much better, it's like night and day and we started putting all the pieces together. Last year (grade 3) he was able to finish with a B average in French Immersion.

This year so far he's not doing so well. He's a very quiet child unless he doesn't have his medicine. Without the medication you can almost see the "evil" in his eyes and he is very destructive. So we pretty much make sure he never misses his medicine. This past few weeks he's taken to lying and he won't do any work in school. He lies to the teacher and lies to us. He has threatened other children, loses his belongings, and won't do anything we ask. I tell him we will always love him but that things are going to get tough around here. He doesn't seem to care. We're at wits end and we don't know what to do. How do you discipline a child who doesn't care what toys, activities or games you take away??

And this seemed to have started when we found out my ex will be giving up all parental rights to him and will not see him for several years. My son says he's ok with this but there doesn't seem to be any way to get into his head!! Pleeeeeease someone help ... or direct me to someone who can!

Sincerly,
Close to tears

[Andrew]

Welcome to the ADD Forums, and my heart goes out to you. Hugs.

[Garry]

Wow

Thats tough

Have you discussed with your ex what has happened since this announcement

He may say hes allright with it but is he really

[Reese66]

The ex feels it is best this way and we can't force him to be a dad. He's still seeing him at this point until the legalities are taken care of. Devin, our son, doesn't know for sure it's happening ... we just had a talk about different situations and "what if" topics, just to get an idea of how he would feel. He said he'd be hurt but he'd "get over it" and that he'd be happy to have my husband as his Dad. He seemed pretty ok ... until all the trouble started. May just be a coincidence but that's where I'm lost.

[Reese66]

Thanks BIG for the welcome. And thank you to everyone on this site. There are obviously way too many participants to acknowledge.

You must have heard about those situations that things are so frustrating when you feel like you are alone. Though I knew that ADHD is common, it's not like every other person has it and you always have someone to turn to. Well I discovered this site tonight just because I was searching for help with a problem that arose with my son this evening.

Hours later and I'm still surfing, just to read what people have to say. This is amazing and it's pretty much brought me to tears a few times. I can't believe how much I read and keep saying "That's us!" Then when I realized how many adults, with and without children, are on this site to give insight to life living with ADHD because they too have been diagnosed as such or have AD/HD children. My husband went to bed a while ago leaving me to read all I can and I almost can't keep my eyes open anymore I'm so tired.

I just want everyone to know what this means to me, and many others I am assuming. Keep sharing your thoughts, experiences, lessons and advice and it looks like I'll have a lot of reading to do for the next while. You have all contributed in a very valuable way and I just wanted to say thank you.

P.S. I'll be sending this to my mother so my parents can start reading and learning as well!

[clawless]

Hello and welcome to the forum

There are many great post on here, just keep reading and know that you are not alone.

[Draga]

HUGE Hugs Hon. My heart goes out to u as well. I am Not a parent but I have talked to mothers who are dealing with simular situations...there is definelty anger in Your child....Most kids do if parents are divorced..but that's my take on what I have seen.

From what I do remember from being a Kid (A very angry one) I would always act out my rage....I think it a little harder to control as a kid cause they dont know the meaning of restraint.

He could be angry cause of the split up and I seriously doubt he is ok with not seeing his dad...He's Just Puttin up a front.

What does El Doctor say?

[Reese66]

The doctor had seemed to be top notch when it came to ADHD in general but whenever I brought up things like night terrors, lieing, stealing, he would just give me reading material. So we're looking for someone new.

I tend to agree that my son is not ok with things but like I said, he won't talk to anyone. What's odd is he's not outwardly defiant. That sounds odd but what I mean is he is "sneaky" instead of being in rages or upset or moody. There's definately something going on under the surface.

Thanks for the words of advice ... and one can never have too many hugs.

[Draga]

Oh yeah time to hire a new doc.....Down right Defiant heeh sounds like me NOW. I Hate to agree with you....I think there is something more beneath. Did he and his Real dad get along ok before?

[Trooper Keith]

Hey there!

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[RhapsodyInBlue]

Reese, my heart goes out to you. I have no answers to give you, but I think that around this forum you will find great peace and comfort......

Hugs, and welcome

[charlie]

Welcome to the forums Reesee
Sorry to hear your son is having problems right now. I think it's great your looking for answers.

Is there anyone that your son opens up to, maybe a friend or family member? Sometimes kids can open up to other kids alot easier than us adults.
My first reaction would be to spend more together time possibly discovering a new hobby; ice skating, bowling, nature walks, or pet store escapades, anything that your son would enjoy. I would hope during these out-of-the house activities he would open up to me.

I'm hoping Nucking Futs sees your post she always comes up with some great ideas!

I'd like to direct your attention to the wonderful search function on the upper right of each page. My favorite is to go to advanced search and click on the show posts button. When I searched 'parental rights' I found Futs great post recognizing anxiety in children

http://www.addforums.com/forums/show...arental+rights

Also at the bottom of each page as you scroll past the quick reply field are topics of similar interests that you might be interested in.

Read, research any words, topics, or questions that may interest you, and please POST!

[gingagirl]

Welcome to the forums.

Sorry to hear about the difficulties your son is having. When you ex says he thinks it's "for the best" to give up his parental rights, does he mean he thinks it's in the best interest of your son? As long as he's not abusing your son, I can't imagine how this would be in your son's best interest. Maybe your ex could talk with your son's doctor about this.

I work with kids with autism. One of the kids recently began having bouts of angry/aggressive behavior combined with bouts of crying for no reason. A few weeks later we found out that his parents were getting divorced. It is a pretty amicable divorce, but it still has had a very big impact on this child. We used a "social story" to help him understand about the divorce. Within a month or two, he was back to his old self.

A social story explains things in simple language --it describes "what is" without passing judgement or expressing negativity. In some circumstances, it may provide an explanation or list of possible explanations for why something happens. Although social stories were orginally developed for kids with autism/ASD, they can be used with all sorts of kids --especially when confronting difficult situations. Maybe you could use something like that with your son ...perhaps he could help write it. For more info, check out http://www.thegraycenter.org/Social_Stories.htm

Well, I've gone on long enough. This board is just supposed to be for introductions & welcomes so.....

Welcome

Glad you came ...c'mon in and set a spell.

[marla]

your son sounds like my boys both with adhd and odd they act out when there is any kind of stressfull thing going on at home or at school. kids with adhd are hyper-senitive and pick up on the least little thing but because they do not handle emotional things the way other kids do they vent there feelings differently.

i would just try and get him to talk to you about how he really feels about his dad giving him up. he propably feels that his dad must not love him for him to just give him up. he may even feel that there is something wrong with him for this to happen. just remind him he is perfect and anyone should be proud to have him for a son and anyone who thinks differently is the one with the problem. kids have a hard time expressing their feeling and when you throw adhd in it makes it even harder for them.
maybe if your husband spent a little extra time with he doing some guy things and assuring him that he loves him it would help. hope things get better for ya'll

[pembroke]

Welcome to the forums.

The piece that caught my eye was "a child who doesn't care". And that catapulted me back to childhood. My mother thought I didn't care either - she could beat me black and blue and it wouldn't phase me. Not true. He just doesn't show it or respond in the appropriate manner. That said, I don't know how to get through to him -- just needed to add my two cents....