Depression that's so bad it's almost infuriating

[Manick]

I'm really getting fed up with it, to the point where I'm beginning to get angry and irritable and feel like rapidly banging my head against the wall as hard as I can, in hopes that it'll somehow fix something in my ridiculously irrational brain. I've been seeing a psychiatrist on and off for almost three whole years now about my depression, whom I had seen before for most of my life for my ADD and other issues. Initially I decided to see him again because I came across with a very painful illness that no doctor in the world could diagnose and treat, which triggered a lot of sadness and despair in me. After I began to see him I remember having lots of ups and downs over the past three years, but recently, I was able to finally overcome my illness and feel better for the first time in nearly four whole years of agony. The thing is, I was always convinced that if I got over my illness, that I would be able to reclaim my life and get going back in the right direction, because I would no longer have anything to hinder me. I figured that if I ever eventually found a cure or even just a treatment, I would be jumping for joy, and relieved that it was finally over. I wasn't.

In fact, I am quite obviously feeling mentally worse now even. Even worse than I felt on a day with an average painscale when I was still ill. But that's not all. Because I recovered from my illness, I was able to once again do things which I had not been able to do for quite some time for enjoyment, and even though I am now able to do them, I feel almost no happiness for it. I have almost no reason that I can think of as to why I should be depressed. In fact, due to my current circumstances, I should feel incredibly happy. I am quite obviously regressing into a depression that can easily compare to the days I spent in bed all day due to overwhelming pain.

What's even more infuriating than the fact that I am so irrationally depressed, is that nothing is helping. I have been constantly altering my medication around with my psychiatrist, in hopes that I would somehow improve, but it's not doing a damn thing. I even went on up to 120mg of Cymbalta, and 2mg of Abilify at the same time, which my doctor more or less referred to as one of the most powerful combinations of pills to combat depression (and also one of the most expensive). I am also now seeing a Psychologist as well, who is helping me put a lot of things into perspective with my life, but unfortunately does not seem capable of offering definitive solutions to my problems, nor seems able to help me change my state of mind. He was able to tell me one very important thing though. He said that there was a possibility that my depression could be 99% chemically influenced, and biological, and that there may not be a source of my depression, and that if that were the case, then I would have to live my entire life with it. I can definitely see that as being a major possibility, especially since I have always had a very depressive personality my whole life. But if that is as probable as it seems, then why am I even bothering trying to get better? It really makes it seem like a complete waste of time and effort, and that there is very little hope left for me.

I don't know what to do at this point besides be incredibly fed up with my circumstances. I'm even starting to lose my train of thought and interest in typing out more about the matter. Someone, please tell me what I should do at this point.

[Unmanagable]

The depression is the one thing that still kicks my a** worse than the other symptoms. I've tried many types of anti-deppressants through the years, with no improvements. The side effects of coming off of them were bad enough that I don't want to revisit trying them again along with the adhd meds. I wish I had an answer that could help you, but all I can offer is a hug and hope.

[Fuzzy12]

Manick, I'm so sorry you are struggling with depression. I've been depressed for 8 years and have just started taking anti depressants.

For me the most infuriating thing about any mental health disorder is as well that they are so irrational, that I can't argue my way out of them. It's funny (well, except that it's not, there's very little that's funny about depression) what you said about banging your head against a wall. I always feel like that too, like I want to keep banging my head against something just to make it shut up and stop hurting me.

Before I started taking anti depressants, the only thing that helped me was to have one thing that I could do regularly that I loved. It gave me something to look forward to, a reason to get out of bed. I know, you've said that nothing interests you at the moment and I think that's quite common with depression. It's difficult enough getting through the day let alone following any hobbies. I do think though that it's important that you persevere. Maybe try different things. Anything really that gets you out and about and moving.

The other thing that always helps me is exercise. Again, when I'm depressed, it's almost impossible to get the motivation to go to the gym but on the few days that I do manage I always feel invariably better and the good mood lasts for the rest of the evening usually. Sometimes even longer. ANything that signals to me that I'm taking care of myself and doing something good for myself, makes me feel slightly better. But then when I'm in the midst of depression, I'm just not able to do that.

Please don't give up. There are so many things that you can try. I guess with depression the trick is to keep trying till something clicks. Even apart from meds. I guess, if there is no underlying emotional cause, then counselling might not be that useful but have you tried CBT? What about mindfulness? A friend of mine has just started with a new form of therapy that I'd never heard of. I've forgotten the name, but I'll ask her. She seemed quite hopeful. As a last resort (though I know, it's highly controversial), there's also ECT.

[TryingTracy]

Quite some time ago I developed tenosynovitis and it took months and months to get the correct diagnosis. During that time I could NOT escape the pain..night or day. I wanted the doctors to open up my arms and operate just based on a hunch that it was something else, I didn't care I just wanted the pain to stop. It didn't matter what was prescribed to me for pain, it didn't have any effect. Ultimately, I simply had to wait it out with the hopes that it would eventually subside. The depression that came along with it was all encompassing. It did go away, but the depression lingered for a while.

You say that you've overcome your illness only recently. Give yourself some time to adjust. Everything you have gone through must have been overwhelming and everywhere you look.
Be patient with yourself! Make time for yourself and find even one thing that you can focus on where it takes your mind off things if even for a few moments of the day.

[Shevey]

I cannot tell you what to do, but I wonder if you've ever considered ECT (electroshock therapy) because sometimes that's the only thing that can snap deeply depressed people out of it.

[Bluerose]

Manick,

I’ve suffered from depression my whole life. The only thing that helped me in the end was to accept that this is simply who I am. Strangely enough this made coping with depression easier. I made lists of things to do when I was too depressed to think and I just did them like I was on autopilot until I felt stronger and more in control of my life once again.

Fighting depression is like swimming against the tide; it’s painful and pointless. Try to cultivate a ‘go with the flow’ mentality. Do what needs to be done when you are feeling strong and treat down times like a rest period. Work to be good and kind to yourself. No matter what mood you are in acknowledge it and tell yourself, “This too will pass.” There’s one thing for sure, nothing stays the same - not even the bad times. It’s all swings and round-a-bouts.

[Vector]

Originally Posted by Bluerose

Manick,

I’ve suffered from depression my whole life. The only thing that helped me in the end was to accept that this is simply who I am. Strangely enough this made coping with depression easier. I made lists of things to do when I was too depressed to think and I just did them like I was on autopilot until I felt stronger and more in control of my life once again.

Fighting depression is like swimming against the tide; it’s painful and pointless. Try to cultivate a ‘go with the flow’ mentality. Do what needs to be done when you are feeling strong and treat down times like a rest period. Work to be good and kind to yourself. No matter what mood you are in acknowledge it and tell yourself, “This too will pass.” There’s one thing for sure, nothing stays the same - not even the bad times. It’s all swings and round-a-bouts.

Good point, Rose.

I think that it's best to use a combi of acceptance & 'going with the flow' and fighting it when its usefull. This fighting has to be done in a smart way and not too aggressively or else you could end up making your condition even worse.

[Manick]

The major problem I'm having between deciding when to fight it or leave it alone and let it flow is that I have far too much down time and only actually have the energy to fight it for only maybe 10% of my whole day. Typically I only "feel" like I have the strength to combat it about 2-3 hours after I wake up, or several hours before bedtime, for about an hour or two. During that time I try to do things like exercise to get my blood flowing, or try to get myself immersed in something fun or productive. But almost every single time, I just end up emotionally collapsing and lose all my motivation and energy to keep up my tasks. I keep getting these annoying intruding thoughts like "what's the point" or "I won't enjoy it anyway". During the times that I'm feeling down and still trying to combat it though, I just end up getting incredibly frustrated most of the time because I can't think of a damn thing that I want to do. Lately, when I've been experiencing my low ends, I've just been lying down. Sometimes I lie down for an hour or more, not even sleeping, but just "waiting" for my body to light a small spark, enough to get me to feel motivated to at least do SOMETHING. Usually though, that something only lasts for but a few minutes, then I'm back to feeling crappy again.

As a side note, I've very randomly suddenly got upset and started beating my head or arm as hard as possible. Just tonight I got some weird nerve jolt in my wrist, which surprised me, and my instant reaction was to start hitting it repetitively because I was angry at my body for being so frail. I've had random suicidal thoughts in the past, but I've never actually considered it to be that serious because I am very very afraid of pain and dying. However I've not been having suicidal thoughts recently, just these random sudden urges to hurt myself. Is this normal for depressed people?

[Bluerose]

You don't have to accept every thought that comes into your head. It is possible to exchange those 'annoying intruding thoughts' with more positive thoughts or affirmations. Creating a few positive affirmations that you repeat to yourself when thoughts are rather negative can be helpful. Might take a bit of practise though.

When I'm 'down' I can't just lie down my mind races making things worse. I have to keep my mind busy and I do that mostly on the computer. I find puzzle games amazingly helpful at these times. Exercise helps too. I have forced myself to walk into town in order to distract from the 'low' I feel I'm heading for.

It really is an ongoing battle I'm afraid. But we can create tools for ourselves to make things easier. Like a list of things to do when we feel like crap. Nothing to strenuous just something to keep the mind busy.

As for beating your arm, have you though of getting a punch bag. There might not be a cure but there is always a solution, we just have to find the ones that work for us.

I read somewhere that it was best to acknowledge suicidal thoughts rather than try to ignore them. It was explained like this -

That I may have had suicidal thoughts when I was younger, I still have them but I do not want to carry them out so the thing to do is acknowledge them and acknowledge too that I have changed my mind and that I don't want to die. I just want to be able to deal with all this depressive crap in a more positive way.

Hurting yourself can be a way of punishing yourself for not dealing with the depression. But we do the best we can with what we have available to us. Don't beat yourself up. Listen to yourself instead and be kind and gentle with yourself during 'down' times.

If nothing else works do what I do - Get yourself a nice soft blanket and a big bar of chocolate and curl up with some funny movies.

[Shevey]

Originally Posted by Manick

... Typically I only "feel" like I have the strength to combat it about 2-3 hours after I wake up, or several hours before bedtime, for about an hour or two. During that time I try to do things like exercise to get my blood flowing, or try to get myself immersed in something fun or productive. But almost every single time, I just end up emotionally collapsing and lose all my motivation and energy to keep up my tasks. I keep getting these annoying intruding thoughts like "what's the point" or "I won't enjoy it anyway". ...

... However I've not been having suicidal thoughts recently, just these random sudden urges to hurt myself. Is this normal for depressed people?

First, I want to say something about the intense feelings and the hitting/beating. Yes, I think that is normal, but it's not a good thing since you could really hurt yourself. That said, it's similar to cutting IMHO and a way for you to "release" your pain, your hurt, your anger at yourself. I'm glad to hear that you're not having suicidal thoughts, but I hope you're seeing someone because even if you accept who and how you are, having support is good.

As for the lack of motivation, I've been there and here's what I've done that has helped:

- I keep a stockpile of things that have made me happy in the past. Music, books, pictures, movies, even just thoughts, and I go through them when I feel like I can't get up and go. Sometimes it gives me just enough motivation to at least take care of myself, shower, etc.

- For those times when you do have some motivation, keep a simple list of tasks. Very simple. Right now you may want to take it one day at a time, but you're getting bogged down to one hour at a time. Break it down even more to just minute to minute and try to stick to it when you have that "up" moment. Start small and work your way up so you don't get frustrated and just give up on everything. It might sound stupid or childish, but it's worked for me.

By the way, when I say start small, I really mean it. Even so silly a list as: 1. Get out of bed. 2. Brush teeth. 3. Make a sandwich. Little goals to get myself moving... to start the ball rolling and small enough that it makes it harder for my mind to dump negative thoughts on me.

I don't know that it will work for you, but here's hoping you read this and it helps even a tiny bit.