Too many ideas and never finish any of them

[noig3]

Hi. I am 31 years old and I was diagnosed with ADD as a child.
I denied the existence of ADHD because my mother took me off of my medication when I was in 7th grade and I thought that meant that I no longer had ADD. Never mind that I failed every class but would pass all of my tests.

I notice that I obsess on the things that I liked doing often missing appointments or just skipping any plans to do what I like doing.

I have the option to work at home and I abuse it so I feel alive. What I mean by this is that I work at home, doing little work, but working on projects that I like.

Most recently I have created a piece of software that creates a map of Github. There are some bugs in the code still but it makes me feel good to explore different types of data.

The problem is that whenever I get to a part of any project that requires something tedious like thinking through a complex data structure and sequentially visualizing the code in my head or on paper systematically I get ****** off because I become bored as hell so much that I start feeling tired.
This makes me feel guilty because this is always the beginning of the "quitting point". I fly through everything and as soon as something becomes tedious or requires efforts that I have no interest in engaging in, I quit.

How the **** can I get over this? I quit taking the medication because the meds do not really help me focus it seems. I just get amped and obsess over **** that does not matter.


My work pattern is as follows:

1: Start working - 2: start thinking about something else - 3: go to wikipedia and start researching some completely unrelated **** - go back to 1 and substitute 3 for go to web page X, think about X when I should be at 1 and focusing on my work.

It is as if I have no ability to delay gratification.

One of the problem I have that is related to the aforementioned workflow I described is that I feel like everything I do is not good enough, never finished completely and never high quality.

This is depressing as ****. I do not want to take prozac. I want to fix the problem causing me to feel depressed.

How can I manage ADHD, or take advantage of this **** so I can feel good about myself?

My other awesome personality trait is that I INTERRUPT EVERYONE it is like I cannot stop saying the ideas in my head when someone is trying to tell me something. I know that this bothers people and it would not be surprising if they just believed that I am a moron, incapable of normal modes of interaction.

Whenever I am talking to someone I look above their head, making eye contact for short periods of time to make it appear that I am actually listening
but I am typically thinking about something else that I think is more interesting or just spacing out.

I have always been an oddball, everywhere I have worked. It is like I am a court jester because I am always acting out and making jokes. I am typically highly regarded for my analytical skills but I am tired of acting differently, thinking differently and being bored BY EVERYTHING. Unless something is new, I am not interested.

How can I train these flaws out of me?
How do you manage the behavior problems with ADHD?
I took Vyvanse and Dexedrine. Both made me feel like I had snorted a bunch of meth.


Lately it seems like it has been getting worse. I just turned on the water faucet and walked away because I started thinking about something.

Like this post. I have left it and come back about 10 times to work on something else....


ARGGHGHHGHGGHGHG

[Traveler5]

Get back on the meds. That's what they are their for. If the last one didn't work for you then try another and stay on it until you've gone through all the start-up bumps to get to the point where you're benefiting from the med. After you're on a med that works, try to actively and consciously train yourself (create a habit) to do the opposite of those things that bother you. Then after a good long while (whatever that may be for you), stop the med and see if you've improved and keep working on it after that.

From what I understand, depression and anxiety are symptoms of ADD. Try getting the ADD fixed with the right meds and see if the depression goes away.

Good luck.

[pechemignonne]

Originally Posted by noig3

Hi. I am 31 years old and I was diagnosed with ADD as a child.
I denied the existence of ADHD because my mother took me off of my medication when I was in 7th grade and I thought that meant that I no longer had ADD. Never mind that I failed every class but would pass all of my tests.

I notice that I obsess on the things that I liked doing often missing appointments or just skipping any plans to do what I like doing.

I have the option to work at home and I abuse it so I feel alive. What I mean by this is that I work at home, doing little work, but working on projects that I like.

Most recently I have created a piece of software that creates a map of Github. There are some bugs in the code still but it makes me feel good to explore different types of data.

The problem is that whenever I get to a part of any project that requires something tedious like thinking through a complex data structure and sequentially visualizing the code in my head or on paper systematically I get ****** off because I become bored as hell so much that I start feeling tired.
This makes me feel guilty because this is always the beginning of the "quitting point". I fly through everything and as soon as something becomes tedious or requires efforts that I have no interest in engaging in, I quit.

How the **** can I get over this? I quit taking the medication because the meds do not really help me focus it seems. I just get amped and obsess over **** that does not matter.


My work pattern is as follows:

1: Start working - 2: start thinking about something else - 3: go to wikipedia and start researching some completely unrelated **** - go back to 1 and substitute 3 for go to web page X, think about X when I should be at 1 and focusing on my work.

It is as if I have no ability to delay gratification.

One of the problem I have that is related to the aforementioned workflow I described is that I feel like everything I do is not good enough, never finished completely and never high quality.

This is depressing as ****. I do not want to take prozac. I want to fix the problem causing me to feel depressed.

How can I manage ADHD, or take advantage of this **** so I can feel good about myself?

My other awesome personality trait is that I INTERRUPT EVERYONE it is like I cannot stop saying the ideas in my head when someone is trying to tell me something. I know that this bothers people and it would not be surprising if they just believed that I am a moron, incapable of normal modes of interaction.

Whenever I am talking to someone I look above their head, making eye contact for short periods of time to make it appear that I am actually listening
but I am typically thinking about something else that I think is more interesting or just spacing out.

I have always been an oddball, everywhere I have worked. It is like I am a court jester because I am always acting out and making jokes. I am typically highly regarded for my analytical skills but I am tired of acting differently, thinking differently and being bored BY EVERYTHING. Unless something is new, I am not interested.

How can I train these flaws out of me?
How do you manage the behavior problems with ADHD?
I took Vyvanse and Dexedrine. Both made me feel like I had snorted a bunch of meth.


Lately it seems like it has been getting worse. I just turned on the water faucet and walked away because I started thinking about something.

Like this post. I have left it and come back about 10 times to work on something else....

Everything that you are describing are symptoms of ADHD.

You can't "train" away ADHD symptoms, and even with behavioral strategies most people require medication in order to be able to practice behavioral tactics consistently.

For sure, working from home when you have unmedicated ADHD is like taking a job as a bus driver when you're visually impaired.

People with ADHD need structure. We need schedules and organization and order. At the same time, we generally dislike and can't implement these very things. So, even a regular job is difficult, but a job where you have to plan your own day and supervise yourself is the best way to set yourself up to be extremely unproductive.

There are a lot of strategies that you can use to get more work done, but they will work best if you can find the right medication and dosage that works for you.

On the other hand, it sounds like you still have a good job and you enjoy what you do, and aren't in danger of getting fired. I can't really tell from your post, but it doesn't sound like your ADHD symptoms are having more of an impact on your life than mild inconvenience. I would consider yourself lucky.

[noig3]

Thanks a lot for your words.

I am going to talk to my wife about starting medication again and seeing a therapist.

I was taking about 20mg of Vyvanse a day. Maybe I was not taking enough...

Thanks.

[chiank]

Well It happens with me too. I am also worried about this fact, very much. I am 24 and still trying to figure out right career for myself. I start things excitedly, like doing that thing is most important thing in my life and later gets bore with it and quit the thing. It is really depressing thing. I invest lot of money and time in certain career and later quits it, making reasons that this thing is too boring or too complex. It feels like i am just making excuses for not to work hard. Any solution for it? I have been taking meds since last 1.5 years. Not much progress

[Asier3d]

I didn´t know that i had a twin!

- I have long lists of things to do that i can´t complete
- I have longer lists os good ideas or projects that i´ll never start
- When i have a new project i pray for it to be a fast work because i start them full of energy but my "energy globe" deflates quickly. If i have changes in a design that extends it in time, i star becoming more and more bored of it (and working worse and slower)
- The "work -> non-work thoughts -> Wikipedia (or similar)" is the daily routine.
- If i have something awesome (at least for me) to say… i MUST say it! Otherwise my head would explode like in the "scanners" movie I don´t mind if is not the right place or time or the other side is talking. Usually i can wait until he/she stops talking (without hearing, of course) to join in with my "non-related story"
- And yes, i can´t be without saying stupid things and jokes only i laugh about.

It´s like being stupid… but realizing it

[sarahsweets]

Meds are a first line treatment for adhd. What meds did you try?

[jjwalters]

[quote=Asier3d;1297452]I didn´t know that i had a twin!

Twin??? Dude, we have clones, lots and lots of them!!!

[Clouded-Mind]

I'm another brother!

[4Progress]

Wow, this sounds exactly like me. I too work from home, but I squander my time because I lose interest in tedious tasks. Sooo many GREAT ideas but they never get completed, because there's too many.

Good luck.

[GreatDestroyer]

Another clone here! :-)

I'm from Brazil and I'm a couple of months away from 29 years old. I was not diagnosed yet, but I have an appointment with a shrink today. I went to a neurologist/psychiatrist a few months ago, but he seemed to be almost insulted that I had read so much about ADHD. He only asked me the symptoms of hyperactivity and promptly stated: "Nah, you don't have ADHD"; like the hyperactivity is the ONLY symptom of ADHD. He asked if I was an active kid (which I wasn't, I was always very letargic, lazy with my tasks, etc).

It was a 8-10 minutes consultation and he just gave me a bottle of sample Wellbutrin and asked me to do a polysomnography test (because I said I was always slow and sleepy during the day). Well, while I was on Wellbutrin I started having headaches (not too strong, but enough to bother me) until one day, in the middle of the night when I woke up to urinate, I began blacking out while urinating. The only thing I could think off was "I can't believe I'm blacking out, I have to get to bed before I fall to the ground". I was already seeing absolutely nothing when I reached the bathroom's door. I don't know how I didn't fully black out but I was with each step weaker and it was more and more difficult to walk. I just tried to remember where I had to turn to get to my bedroom while stumbling onto things on the floor. Finally I bumped my arms onto the door while trying to find my way to the bed and my wife woke up, totally freaking out and held me until I could find the bed using my hands.

Anyway, I did the polysomnography. First off, the hospital bedroom was just not appropriate for this kind of test. The curtains were not appropriate because they didn't make the bedroom completely dark, I could always hear telephones ringing in the corridor and when some of the wires in my head would detach the nurse would just open the door and let all the light come into the bedroom. Even though, the test results suggested I had a fairly normal sleep pattern. I had problems with insomnia my whole life: first when I was a kid, I used to have nightmares (usually repeating ones or sequels to older nightmares) EVERY night and could not sleep with lights turned off, when I grew up I still had problems to sleep because I was always thinking too much about LOTS of different things when trying to sleep. I just could not calm the thoughts down. Often I would even spend the whole night thinking in a loop about something until I realized it was time to wake up and I hadn't slept at all. Well, a couple of years ago, after trying many different things I finally sorted my insomnia problem out by taking melatonin. Now I just have to take 3mg of melatonin (sometimes with B6 and Valerian root extract) anytime I can't get to sleep (which is not too often anymore). Therefore, the polysomnography test just confirmed to me that the melatonin was really working. I took the results to the neurologist and he barely looked at them. I don't know if it was because he was being paid by my insurance (doctors here are paid much less when the consultation is via insurance) but he again seemed like he was in a hurry for me to get lost so he could just collect the money and get to the next patient (he barely let me talk during the consultations and was always cutting me off while I was trying to tell him about some symptoms I had noticed). I also told him about my semi-black out with Wellbutrin and he simply ignored by saying: "Well, these headaches are normal, you usually have headaches anyway, right? Just take half the dosage". Afterward I scheduled a couple of more appointments with him and gave up.

While searching the internet to try and find a doctor in my city that's specialized in ADHD I found a small quasi-ad of a doctor enumerating the possible symptoms of ADHD. I can relate with ALL the symptoms, this time even with the hyperactivity because she states the the hyperactivity part is not just related to an active person in matters of activity, but also with restlessness (like when I feel an annoying sensation in my legs like I can't stand being sat but walking also doesn't help either). Anyway, I decided yesterday to give her a shot. Hopefully, because I'm not using my insurance, but paying fully from my own pocket, she will listen and give more attention to my case. And also, she seem to really understand what ADHD is, so I hope I can have a concise diagnostic this time.

And man, do I relate to your problems. I found out about this forum this week and your post was probably the first I started reading. It was like reading my own diary (if I had one). I have even printed your post and highlighted almost the whole test so that I can use it to explain to the doctor what my problems are.

I have so many plans. I start doing so many things but I can NEVER follow any plan to the end. I love learning a lot of different things, but when I learn the basics everything beyond that becomes more and more boring. Feels like I have some sort blocking that doesn't allow me to learn beyond the middle part of anything. It's SO SO frustrating, because I have dreams of what to do with that knowledge, but I can never get there. I become fully obsessed and don't want to give up, but it feels like my energy is being drained with my efforts and my will becomes weaker and weaker until I give up and try something else. Sometimes (rarely) I get to accomplish some tasks when I enter hyperfocus (I didn't even know this was a symptom and that it had a name until I read about ADHD). The longest period I've managed to keep in this state was when I had to implement a computer program for my graduation in 20 days (I've managed to program 15 days straight with around 3-4 hours of sleep each day).

Maybe you know that tale (I think it's from Michael Ende) where a guy leaves one "magical" door that leads into a desert, he has to reach the door on the other side to find his love. When he leaves the first door he is young and full of energy and the door on the other side looks like it's just a few steps away, but as he begins to walk the door is more distant every step. He spends his whole life walking the desert and when he reaches the other door he's old and weak. Then he crosses the door and his love doesn't recognize him and he also can't speak to her to explain that it's him because he is too weak. Then she becomes impatient of waiting so long (she's still very young) and she leaves the door to cross the desert to find him on the other side. That's exactly how I feel whenever I try to accomplish something, some plan.
Also, about your work pattern, about interrupting people EVERY TIME with nonsensical jokes, etc, that's exactly me.

It's strange because, the more I read the posts in this forum, the more I feel part of a group. Strangely, I feel some sort of relief finding that I'm not the only one having to struggle so much to accomplish things (I know it's weird).
Finally, I'm sorry for this boring and extremely LONG text . I have never found someone with whom I could talk about this stuff who would REALLY understand me and not just look at me like I'm just exaggerating or trying to make others feel sorry about me (btw, I hate that, so I usually change subject if I feel that the person I'm talking to is starting to feel some sort of pity).

Thanks for sharing your experience. It really helped me to decide about giving another chance on finding a "cure".

[David S]

It is a Chore to keep my focus on one thing. My mind likes to jump around but when my attention is on a specific subject i'm good but my mind seams to want to divert easily. I'm 55 and have struggled with lack of self esteme for years. ?=I hate drugs and rather do things naturally instead. Yesturday i went to a photography meeting and had 24 oz. of coffee mixed with cappitiano vanilla. Then i had a cup cake. SOMETHING HAPPENED TO ME BECAUSE I COULDN'T FOCUS IF I TRIED AND MY SUB CONTIOUS WAS PLAYING MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND. WORST OF ALL I COULDN'T RETAIN DIDUALLY. IT TOOK ABOUT 2 HOURS BEFORE I WAS ABLE TO START FOCUSING AGAIN IT SEEMS. THIS WAS THE WORSE BOUT I HAD HAD IN A LONG TIME.

[pyogenes]

Just remember that medication only makes it easier to do what you're supposed to. You still need to learn how to live with ADHD. Cognitive-behavioral therapy with a therapist with a lot of ADHD experience is a great way to learn how to live with ADHD.

[Binarywhisper]

All the advice given is apt for the most part but I'd like to add my perception of the situation. You are approaching this as if it is a personal battle that you need to win in order to move forward and that is a critically flawed path IMO.

First you need to separate your battle with ADHD from your battle with your strengths and weaknesses as a coder. It would be great if you can over come the ADHD related symptoms but there is a strong likelihood that even if the drugs control your ADHD you still will not excel at the type of coding you currently suck at. You need to understand that! ADHD is not stopping you from achieving your goals. It is not! You are a programmer already. You have already demonstrated that to yourself. You have already proved that ADHD does not stop you from programming. You think because you are not a great programmer that is ADHD's fault? Seriously? Do you have any idea how few truly good programmers are out there? I worked in IT for 18 years and I met one and he was a mental mess. ADHD is not stopping you, it is distracting you from seeing what you need to do and what you need to do what ever is required to work around your limitations.

The first things that comes to mind for your situation is that you need a partner, an employee, or some one you can sub-contract portions of the job out to. That is how pro programmers work anyway. They are a part of a team. Each team member works on portions of the code and they use software that allows them to check in and check out elements of the software they are working on. (there are plenty of freeware/open source/pubdomain progs/online communities to do this)

No one but geniuses sit down and design software single handed anymore, not good software anyway. Are you are genius?

There are literally 100's of 1000's of excellent programmers for hire though various websites and many of the sites are excellent. You can review the coders work history, feedback and pricing structure (and many work for very very little) prior to contracting with them and I guarantee you there 10's of 1000's of people you can afford offering their services online right now

I am reading between the lines and concluding you would like this to be your livelihood, your business. Well what I just said is not only true of software but of business and if you want this to turn into a business than you need to start thinking that way. Right now you are thinking and behaving like a hobbyist and regardless of whether you get your ADHD under control or not you will never be more than a hobbyist if that is the mind set you are working from.

You think the goal is for you to write a program and IMO you are wrong. Because you have based your thought process on that flawed goal the path you are attempting is also flawed. What do you have to lose? You worried someone will steal your half finished likely never to be finished piece of code? No insult, but based on your description of yourself I can hire a far better east Indian coder for $10 per hour. You are ADHD, you will never likely be the fully rounded coder you wish to be but that does not mean it is not your path to the success you seek.

just my 2 cents

[Danteloogi]

I can totally relate to you OP.

Its always been my passion and dream to be a programmer and I do know the basics of various languages. When I was 10-11 I would borrow C++ books from the local library and attempt to teach myself it. However, even though I wanted to learn real badly, I could not focus on the book. I would skip steps and jump ahead, obviously missing out on important information and having to go back and look for them.

Even now, if somebody gives me a basic programming idea (something like a game of craps) I can spend hours writing the code without being distracted. I love it! But when I have to learn anything new, I can't do it. I've been trying to create a basic 2d platforming engine and I just can't stay focused long enough to learn the basics. Even though I want to desperately. I'm really hoping that medication ends up helping me because I feel like my ADHD is blocking me from doing things I love.