Short Term Addictions in ADD'ers?

[cooperT]

Can anyone relate to dealing with an Add'er that constantly has some type of "addiction"? Right now my husband plays PS a minimum of 3hrs everynight, sometimes up to 7hrs everynight. Before this it was Gameboy, before that solitare on the computer. He always has "something" he's attached to. Today is not a good day, so I'll leave it at this issue. Sixteen years of marriage, 3 years of trying to find the right diagnosis, finally in June of this year we found out he is ADD! I'm tired.

[katec]

The Internet. Sometimes I would like to go out and dismantle the $%&# thing myself.

I suspect that this stuff (since you also suffer from "my husband has replaced me with a video game" problems) stems from two things: 1) the exercise of hyperfocus made more attractive by 2) a totally nonjudgmental arena. You fail, you hit restart; and you can do something 8,000 times until you get it exactly the way you want it, with no one in that world telling you to stop or take out the garbage. I used to think that my husband played computer games to get away from me (very hurtful assumption), but I think now that he does it simply because he loves having an identifiable and attainable goal with no consequences (other than frustration) for falling short.

Putting him under less direct pressure from me seems to help cut down on his computer time. Don't know if that helps.

[cooperT]

Yep Katec it does help, thanks! I figure hyperfocus plays into it. I can see the starting over until you accomplish it aspect of it too. I don't say anything anymore about it. Weather I tell him it annoys me, or I just ignore it, doesn't seem to make a difference. I try not to pay any attention to it, but after 3 or 4 months of it I begin to get really annoyed! I play the "mother" way to much! He feels his meds are working fine. So do I, but from reading posts and living with him, I would say he needs to work against ADD tendencies. He doesn't see it, he thinks "I'm on meds that work and life is good". OK - so he now can shut his mind down enough to sleep at night. Great. The midnight panic attackes have subsided. Wonderful. But he still behaves like a classic ADD'er, never finishing anything. Twenty new ideas in a week, which he insists I listen to everyone of them! Tells the kids were going to do this and that, but doesn't follow through. I finally had to explain to our daughter about his ADD, hoping she would understand, and maybe not get disappointed so often. I'm just so tired of carrying the load. Does anyone have any encouraging words, or ideas you would like to share?? I'm open for suggestions! I have read "Driven to Distraction", he started it, then told me he can only read so much-then he gets "overloaded and needs to take a break". Funny...he never says that about PlayStation!!! Sorry for venting.

[andocrates]

I would suggest your husband play Everquest 2

[cooperT]

Everquest 2 huh? He did say earlier this week he beat some Medal of Honor game, so maybe he needs a change.

[marajade]

everquest 2? surely i hope you're joking.

being an add'er let me tell you something (if you're not joking) about mmorpg (massive multiplayer online roleplaying games):

1. they're extremely addictive.
2. they're extremely addictive.
3. they're fun
4. they're extremely addictive.

by this, i don't mean the 3 hours a night on a playstation..

say goodbye to friends, life, and even possibly a job.. try 5+ hours a day..

however, as an add'er who LOVES mmorpgs and currently does play world of warcraft with my bofriend (who is not diagnosed add but we're both sure he is .. (he can manage it though whereas i can't without adderall)), as long as the person who you are about to get hooked on everquest 2 understands that he will be distant and far removed from life itself (not to mention the family around him understands this as well) then it's ok and go for it.

for my boyfriend and i, it's fine. we are computer engineers by day, and gamers pretty much for the rest of the duration until we fall asleep at night. we put in at lesat 5-6 hours per day on world of warcraft (which actually is one of the mmorpgs thats faster moving than everquest 2), and on weekends, it's pretty much almost from the time we wake up til the time we go to sleep or when we DO take breaks to go out and party with friends or whatnot...

we dont have other responsibilities, though, and if we did, it'd be different. we're aware of responsibilities and since we don't have kids or have to mow the lawn or any of that fun stuff, we go to work, put in our time, overtime, whatever, and then reward ourselves with things we like to do.. gaming.

anyway.. i ramble .. as i usually do. be careful what you ask for. everquest2 may remove him from society as news articles have stated. do your research and make sure this is going to be OK for all involved.

by the way medal of honor is fun.

michelle

[alagirl]

I think you'll find every ADDer on this board is addicted to the Internet. OH Wow, what a generalization -- okay, just 99%. My dh takes a topic -- like what is the perfect college for his son to go to and researches everything. Everything. Every college in the country that has his son's major, financial resources, the best of this and that, etc. etc. It's total absorption. He's taking a break from that addiction to address another topic now, but whatever the topic, he's on it for hours and hours and hours without moving. I don't know why he doesn't freeze in that position.

[ifso215]

I think the "short term addiction" to something without consequences is something common for me at least. I will say it's pretty obvious that the internet is a trap custom-tailored to the ADD individual... an endless source of novel stimulation available instantly at your fingertips.

I think there is something to be said about the allure of the clearly attainable goal for the ADD individual... we have such a hard time attaining goals in those tasks set before us sometimes, so the prospect of something where it seems "in reach" in an entertaining way is all the more attractive and hard to turn away from.

I'm one of the obsessive online researcher types... will spend hours on end for several days or weeks reading about something until I feel I know enough. It will consume me and become the most important thing in my life for a little while... nothing else seems "relavent" or pressing enough in comparison.

[Jaycee]

one of the big problems with ADDers is that a lot of us require huge amount of stimulation to stay focused..so video games, internet and the tv are great ways to get it. We generally feel calmer while we are doing any of these tasks because of the amount of dopamine produced while our brains are engaged.

I tend to get addicted to the internet...the sites vary depending on my energy level and the amount of feedback I get, and or my current interest. I'm also addicted to reading. Take away my books and I go nuts if I don't have something planned to do in it's place. We're just a bunch of stimulus junkies.

[speedo]

ADDers sometimes hyperfocus. Hyperfocusing provides a reassuring buzz of tightly focused activity that drowns out the distracting din of the world. A lot of ADDers are system admins , programmers, etc... Many ADDers find a computer terminal to be a calm reassuring place to escape to where there are few surprises and a lot less pain than messy attempts at social interraction that often bring hurt and confusion despite the best of intentions on the part of a good-natured ADDer.

For some reason a lot of ADDers are attracted to things technological like computing. Video games provide a bit of an adrenalin rush that some ADDers find soothing. A lack of physical or psychological stimulation might tend to make these things more attractive. Doing things that give a bit of an adrenalin rush ( like weightlifting, jogging, hiking, sex, etc) often provide temporary relief. Also, ADDers continuously avoid boredom. They fill every minute with something to occupy their busy, busy mind. They are in search of that mental buzz, always thinking , always taking in their environment and processing everything around them and mentally projecting the potential outcomes into the future... they naturally have very busy minds. At least, this is how it is for me.

Me

Originally Posted by cooperT

Can anyone relate to dealing with an Add'er that constantly has some type of "addiction"? Right now my husband plays PS a minimum of 3hrs everynight, sometimes up to 7hrs everynight. Before this it was Gameboy, before that solitare on the computer. He always has "something" he's attached to. Today is not a good day, so I'll leave it at this issue. Sixteen years of marriage, 3 years of trying to find the right diagnosis, finally in June of this year we found out he is ADD! I'm tired.

[scuro]

Yes, I go have had many little addictions. Video games, art, fishing, computers...heck computers when the first home models came out. My interests last for a few years sometimes shorter...and then I move on. This message board is a current addiction.

[timmy!!]

Originally Posted by cooperT

Can anyone relate to dealing with an Add'er that constantly has some type of "addiction"?

Yes!! Sometimes it is computer games, other times TV shows, hobbies. It will be an obsession for serveral months, then it will be dropped and a new one found.

[karennerak]

I will say, as an ADDer, the two problems are....

• HYPERFOCUS

• LOSING TRACK OF TIME

[Still Breathing]

My husband spent 5 hours and 20 minutes the other day playing a video game at home when he should have been at work. Thank God he's the boss so he doesnt' HAVE to go in if he doesn't want to...and thank God that he is usually able to force himself to go in. He's always got something that he HAS to spend ALL of his free time doing, golf, model airplane building, a salt-water fishtank, video games of all varieties, triathlons and training for them. I was starting to feel very ignored. All this is in addition to the fact that he frequently doesn't respond when I talk to him - he once told me when we were driving somewhere (and I was trying to carry on a conversation with him) that I was wasting his time with talk of unimportant things *lol*. I was REALLY POed at the time but now I realize it's so rediculous and so ADD that it's kind of funny. I think he was grouchy that I was distracting him from all the other things going on in his head (sort of like when I was a kid and engrossed in a TV show and my mother would come up and try to ask me stuff - it was frustrating). Anyway, we have been going to a couples therapist for a while because of this problem with communication and a few months ago, I asked her if he could be tested for ADD (he consented, of course). She gave him a battery of tests that took about an hour and said that he scored 2 full standard deviations below the norm in auditory attentiveness but normal or above normal in the other areas so he doesn't have ADD. What's worse, I really believe he has it and her telling him he didn't made it even more difficult for me to convince him to get a second opinion. She says that she did her dissertation on ADD (I've done a Master's thesis and know that doing a dissertation or thesis doesn't make you an expert) but I don't think she is very informed...for instance she says that people with ADD aren't able to hyperfocus for very long...Ummm, I think all these posts are a big contradiction to that. Our problems are still pretty ongoing and now I believe he's starting to have difficulty at work due to disorganization, forgetfulness, and lack of communication which I believe may be starting to make him a little depressed (hence the marathon videogaming). The worse things get at work, the worse his skills seem to be getting. I'm really worried about him so I asked him to agree to go to a psychyiatrist for a 2nd opinion...I'm really stressed about this because I feel like this could make or break our situation. If I pick the wrong person (He'll go but would never choose a dr), they may not be very knowledgable and may give my husband a way out of facing his problems and if I pick the right person, things have the potential to get so much better for him and us as a couple. Once I can get my husband to see that there are ways of improving his life (not just medication but also coaching or therapy), I think he'll be a lot more willing to be involved in a solution. I just feel so manipulative because, as you can tell from my story, I'm the one who is proactive and requesting the tests and making the appointments. I don't want to feel like I'm forcing my will on him by making him do stuff that wasn't his decision but I'm really at my wit's end and know that he would never take any steps toward resolving the problems. He's actually told me that he didn't think there was a problem. I keep telling myself it's tough love. Am I going about this in all the wrong way?

[Hoodooguru]

Ladies (wives)-

I am 37, married to my non-ADD wife, two great kids, and have been suffering problems in my marriage since we first started dating nearly 10 years ago. I only recently started "treatment" for ADD, as I vehemently denied it forever. Sure enough, my wife forced me to research it, read more about it, and finally seek professional help. For my whole life, I've had difficulty relating to people and always sought "comfort" in things/activities-- computers, sports, etc. This "ADD BS" (as I call it) makes things difficult for me in dealing my my wife, whom I do love. Things like- forgetting to pick up XXX item when asked 25 times, not finishing a particular task (cleaning dishes/kitchen), walking out of the room when she's talking to me, annd in general doing things which pizz her off and make her feel unappreciated/unloved/disrespected. Though I do NOT feel that way, my actions cause her to feel that way which hurts our marriage.

On videogames- I've essentially been "addicted" to them since 1982 (my first computer). There's something special about videogames that make us ADDers (at least me) feel really good, or somehow make peace in our busy, loud, distracted minds. My videogame addiction has pizzed off my wife on numerous occassions to the point where she has demanded that I quit altogether. I love her, so I did. But now, even with ADD meds and a LOT of research I'm doing on ADD to "fix" me, I think I'm getting worse. I believe I have some neurological need (ADD-related) for videogames, as I seem to be better off playing them (in managed intervals) than NOT playing them.

On ADD diagnosis- MAKE YOUR SPOUSE GET HELP. The final admission and acknowledgement of my ADD has brought SO much of my life into understanding-- why I was a social recluse as a boy, why I never could focus on homework (though I aced school because I'm a gifted-talented-lazy-creative-BSer). I am actively seeking ways to manage my ADD so it helps me in dealing with my wife & marriage. My wife loves me, but has threatened divorce much more recently if I "don't get fixed". I hope your husbands seek help to help them understand the "why" (why I need to play videogames, why I get addicted to ___ hobby), and maybe that'll lead to active steps to manage the "what" (what I do to upset you, what I can manage to make me more productive).

Please know that, like me, your spouse probably really does love you, but this ADD BS makes it really hard for us to "act like normal people" (all you non-ADDers). For me, understanding the root cause of why I'm so different/difficult helped us both deal with this. I hope that this some approach can help you as well.