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Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships.

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Old 05-11-12, 11:13 PM
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Chicky75 Chicky75 is offline

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Relating to parents as an unmarried adult

Looking through this thread, I've seen a lot of people with issues with in-laws or teenagers/20-somethings still living at home (or at least having only moved out in the last few years) and having issues with their parents. But are there any other who are not married and older who also have issues? Do you ever think that it would make things easier if you were married?

My story (yes, it's really long, of course, and kind of rambly, but I had to get it off my mind):

I'm in my 30s, first moved out of my parents' house about 15 years ago, and have not only had my own apartment since (though I don't now) but have lived on my own in 3 different countries. So I'm quite capable of taking care of myself and am generally a pretty independent person. Yet my parents still have the attitude that my moving out is just a temporary thing, like it was in college, and that when this phase is over, I'll move 'home', at least until I get married and have my own family.

Maybe part of the problem is that I have on about 3 or 4 occasions moved back to their house when I was between places. The last time I did that just ended at the beginning of March - I moved back to the US in the summer of 2010, thinking that I would be going to school or working full time soon. But given the economy, going to school full time wasn't possible and finding a full time job wasn't either (still haven't managed it). So I ended up staying much longer than anticipated. I finally had to just get out, even though it makes more financial sense for me to stay with them right now, and moved in with roommates. I think they were both actually kind of hurt by that choice.

I love my parents but during the time that I lived out of the country, it almost feels like something broke between us - or at least a distance appeared that wasn't there before, though I was never the type to call them and tell them everything anyway. But we just don't seem to have anything to say to each other any more. Or my mother and I don't - I think my father and I could, if I felt like I could contact him without my mother getting insulted that I contacted him and not her (I'm a girl so I should confide everything to my mother not my father, in her mind, though again, I've never actually confided in her much anyway. When I was younger and my grandmother was still alive, I talked to her, since then, I talk to my friends - or people on message boards.).

So we've started going through this routine about every 2 weeks... I'll get an email from my mother or sister and put off replying to it for a few days, in my mind, I don't always have the best sense of time when it comes to things I don't really want to do. Sometimes those few days ends up turning into a week or more, but sometimes after only 2 or 3 days, I'll get a frantic email - you didn't reply to me, are you all right? When I don't respond the same day, then the calls start. Though sometimes it takes a couple of days for the calls to start (so obviously, they don't really think that I'm dead in a ditch somewhere). This most recent time, I honestly think that my mother called me about 5 times in a row, though I only got one message (it's hard to tell because their # comes up just as 'call' because of the calling card they use but I also get spam calls that show up as 'call').

When we finally do talk, the conversation is always the same - awkward because I'm really trying not to make excuses like I did when I was younger, but the truth won't help (I just didn't want to talk), and my mother ends up saying to just send a one sentence message that I'm ok, which I can never do because that seems rude. Though I did send something close tonight, so now I'm feeling even more guilty - I dodged their calls for almost two whole days, then just emailed because I should be writing a report right now. Though it's all gotten me so frustrated that I can't concentrate on that.

I don't even know anymore if I'm right or wrong. This whole thing just doesn't seem right to me, but I can't articulate why exactly. It almost seems like I have a curfew, even though it's a 2 week curfew instead of a daily one.

Also for the record - my parents have no idea of anything that I've been diagnosed with (at least not officially, I think my mother might have found some books I had but she's never mentioned them), which is ADD, depression, and GAD. I have also not been medicated for several years, after trying it and getting frustrated. I think I really need to be in therapy and have just finally pushed myself to start a new search for a therapist (I tried this several years ago and it did not go well).
"Bored now!" (Bad Willow, BTVS)

"Life is more manageable when thought of as a scavenger hunt than a surprise party." (Mozzie, White Collar) (I wish I could remember why I thought this quote was so profound and related to ADHD )
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Old 08-04-12, 02:18 AM
Pam Plemouse Pam Plemouse is offline

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Re: Relating to parents as an unmarried adult

I too have a similar, multi-national history. I am nearly thirty. I think that some of the parent-adult child issues we have are universal. Sometimes just watching a friend with their parents can show how much they can't get out of the traditional parent-child relationship. I don't like speaking to my parents, especially my mom, because I can't stand being reminded how useless and weak I was as a child and in many ways still continue to be. My parents love me very much, but they are TERRIBLE liars. I once managed buying a dog and they looked like I told them them i was adopting a tiger. "oooh, um, great........."
I'm going to have to speak to my mom while I visit my home city. It really important that she stop thinking of me as a useless child. She is a smart woman, and her opinion is really important to me. I don't think I can move on and really grow up with her palatable disappointment hanging around, even if I move way out of thhe country just to avoid it!
I go home in two weeks. I'll tell you how things went.
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