Is it bad not to mention to someone that you notice they are struggling with ADHD

[melb200]

This last month has been educational and eye opening for me. The spent quite a few days going threw my childhood with a more enlightened view. Is remembered myself as a little girl very confused in school. I was the quiet one who stayed to herself and in her own world most of the day. My mother told me I had a hard time writting my name. She said I had hand eye cordination problems. I knew what I needed to write, but had a hard time getting it on paper. To me that should have the first indication I had ADD. I slept a lot, and my mother always said what a good child I was because I kept to my self and was pretty much easy going. I would spend hours by myself in my own fantasy land. All the signs were there, but nobody saw them.

There was something else I remember. My mother was so high strung, but always so stressed out. She was a single mother working 3 jobs, and raising 4 kids. She instealed in us the value of being independant women, and her love of the church. What was proper for young women to say and think. We were all to find husbands and take up sewing and cooking and having the house clean for them. (My husband has way to much fun telling my mother I don't cook him breakfast) Her expectations are so high nobody including her could live up to them. We were nagged at constantly. She complained about how everything should have been. How we should react to certian situations. We need to react and feel what's is in her opinion the correct way. Well she got 4 independant children, but none of us share her love for the church. As for me I'm still still struggling with the mental brain washing. I wondered so many times what fantasy land she was living in.

Then, it hit me one day. My mother and I were headed a few hrs away for Memorial Day to lay flowers on graves. Before we got on the road I watched my mother run back and forth in a panic trying to get everything together. Trying to remember simple details, and getting frusterated at dropping everythings she touched. We got the gas station and still had to go back. We got to the grave site and still she forgot things. I could se how bad it bothered her and finally after all these years I could see how bad she was beating herself up over this. It clicked into place. My mother has ADHD. Her fantasy land is the way life could be without it there to hold her back. She didn't realize she could never live that life unless she had treatment, so she pushed it on us instead.

I was well on way to becoming just like my mother. I saw it and it scared the crap out of me. I've always known that what ever was eating her was eating me to. I was in a panic to find out what it was. I became obsessed with traits of all kinds of mental issues. Was I happy to find out I have ADD? You bet! now I can go on preventing myself from being angry and hatefull and self manipulating like my mother. I love her, and have learned to handle her, but not very many can.

Now that I know, why am I having a hard time telling her?

[sarahsweets]

Perhaps telling her might open yourself for more judgement and self loathing, you have to protect yourself even from the ones you love.

[hjajck]

Personally, I wouldn't attempt to diagnose someone - even if you see the same behaviors or symptoms in them. People have done that to me, and it really irks me.

That said, everyone is different so it might not bother her. People judge very harshly when it comes to medical issues that can't be seen.

If you still really want to say something, you might mention that it's a genetic medical condition. Depending on her reaction, you can choose whether or not to continue the conversation.

[silivrentoliel]

I agree w/ hjajck.... diagnosing people is a bit offensive to most, however, you can always bring it up in a way such as "hey mom, I've been diagnosed w/ ADHD and have learned it's hereditary. do you know if dad's family, or anyone in your family, or even you or dad had symptoms similar to mine??" That way, you're just information gathering... trying to figure out some more family medical history.

[melb200]

Yes, I agree with all of you. I see what you are saying and yes, it is offensive to be diagnosed, and a bit judgmental on my part. I do remember the same happening to me, and I was not at all happy with the diagnosis. I will go on minding my own buisness. For now, because there is no way I can just sit back and watch for much longer. Knowing her my whole life sorta gives me an anvantage. Plus, don't most adults get diagnosed after they find out their children have it? If I started a conversation on basic traits of ADHD and how they are or were presant in family members I'm sure it would not be offensive, and she could decide on her own.