Newbie needs advice about my computer addicted boyfriend

[Crazygirl79]

At what point do I think about involving his Mother? And at what point do I turn to professional help? I don't want him to be medicated and miserable because I am a naturalist and don't like the thought of him being on serious prescriptions.

Firstly his mother shouldn't be involved in this at all unless it is to assist him in getting help for the addiction and he should be the one who involves her or she should be the one who steps in, secondly like Lateralthinker said it is up to him to see professional help not anyone else including you but you're well within your rights o ask him to seek it and thirdly it's nice to know you're a naturalist but again it is up to him not you or anybody else if he seeks medication or a qualified psychiatrist prescribes it, in either case himself or psychiatrist would be looking at his best interests in terms of medications and to be honest your naturalist beliefs are totally irrelevant when it comes to somebody elses body, mind, health and any decisions they make in regards to those things.

Selena

[Crazygirl79]

I agree 100% with this post and I will add more to this.

I'm not sure if you've actually discussed your dreams of marriage, mortages, kids and the family with him but have you actually considered that all of this could actually be overwhelming him and that might be why he is spending so much time on the internet?? Perhaps all of this could be stressing him out and the internet is a means of escape?? I am a woman and I dated a guy at the age or 26 and within the first 3 weeks of the relationship he was talking about marriage, kids and a family which I was nowhere near ready for, I often felt pressured and did similar things like spend more time on the internet just to escape and needless to say the relationship didn't last very long because he eventually found someone else who was willing to fufill his dream of a third marriage and more babies. I'm not saying that your situation is exactly the same as mine was but it's something to think about.

As for the porn, you mentioned that you both sleep in separate rooms and while it's nobodys business what type of sexual relationship you have with him if there is one but he could also be using that as an escape, a way to relieve himself or self medication like someone on here said before and this could also relieve any other stresses he may have. With that said I can understand where you're coming from in terms of being upset but you may need to look deeper into it.

I also think Kilted could have hit a nail on the head when he mentions about the fact your partner lost his father a few years ago and perhaps he may still be grieving over this loss and there could be a chance he hasn't dealt with it properly therefore it could be another reason as to why he is spending so much time on the internet as well, I also agree this and the other issues he has does not indicate that he is ready for huge commitments like marriage, kids and mortages let alone an adult relationship and an internship.

He has several issues by the sounds of it and only he has the power to change and fix things.

Selena

Originally Posted by kilted_scotsman

I would say ....

SLOOOOOOOW DOOOOOWN

You said you're 23..... that is (in my view) waaaaaay to young to be worrying about kids, jobs, marriage, having a house of your own... even in the next 3 years

It sounds to me like you're rushing into the mother/ carer role..... try just chilling for a bit...

If I was 25 and living in my girlfriends parents house and my gf was talking marriage/kids etc I'd be one apprehensive guy.... particularly if i was unsure of my ability to survive on my own.... let alone be provider for a family plus mortgage/rent.

You mention he lost his father a couple of years ago.... that, pus s few other things you are saying indicate to me he is not ready for family commitments, probably for many years.

It sounds like this situation is not all about him..... there's alot of your own issues in the mix too.

kilted

[Drewbacca]

It's easy to lose track of how much time we spend on a computer.
I'm not sure what exists for a given browser, but I know that with Chrome, there is a really cool extension called StayFocusd.

StayFocusd will allow you to limit how much time is spent within 24 hours at a sum of listed sites. Sit down with him and negotiate what is a reasonable amount of time to spend on websites that are clearly just time wasters. Use chrome and install StayFocusd and add those sites along with setting the time that you two agree on.
That alone, should cut his time in half if he takes it seriously. If he doesn't take it seriously, then it's time to consider ending the relationship because he wants a free ride and isn't willing to work with you.

There are ways around StayFocusd once installed. For one, you can just use another browser. Beyond that, you can always just disable the extension. The point isn't to give you the power to hold him accountable, it will only work if he holds himself accountable. The point is to give him a better idea of just how long he is spending on the computer at sites that don't contribute to a job hunt, internship, etc.

It's tough out there. Jobs are still few and far between. Even internships are hard to come by. The longer he waits, the harder it is going to be to find either. He needs to get his butt out the door even if it's for an unpaid internship or even some unrelated volunteer work. The bigger the work gap, the harder it is going to get. Communicate this to him and emphasize that the gap will bite him in the ***. He needs to be doing something besides what a highschool student does. Time to grow up.
I understand that the internet is an easy outlet for depression and if he's not finding what he wants, then depression is understandable. He needs help finding a new and different approach.

You need to put the ball in his court though. You can't find positions for him, he needs to seek them out himself. It's a fine line, in that you want to hold him accountable while not nagging and giving him room to make his own decisions. You do need to put some fire under his *** though, as I'm sure your parents aren't happy with this situation.
Try to let him make all the calls. Get him to agree to let you hold him accountable for what he says, in writing, that he will do to fix his situation. Support isn't doing the work for him, support is listening and helping him to stay on track. He needs to understand that something needs to give before it's your relationship that breaks.

[Drewbacca]

Originally Posted by pmangs06

I am trying to get him to take natural herbs that should help with some of the attention issues. The herbs are stuff like omega 3 oils, GABA, folic acid, grape seed extract, and spirulina.

I am the type of person who worries a lot as it is, and as was mentioned, I am at the stage where I am thinking about finances, marriage, kids, and having a house of my own with in the next 3 years.

I have installed a filtering program on his computer that blocks all porn...

He replied with "I don't have the attention to sit and watch a show right now". This is an honest answer but I still perceive it as him essentially saying "You aren't stimulating enough for me to spend time with you."

At what point do I think about involving his Mother? And at what point do I turn to professional help? I don't want him to be medicated and miserable because I am a naturalist and don't like the thought of him being on serious prescriptions.

OK. So, I agree with what others have already said but I want to add my own two cents to this.

First, a warning. You aren't going to like what I have to say.
You are clearly a big part of the problem. You have strong opinions about things that really aren't your concern. I'll address them one at a time:

You aren't a doctor. Natural herbs could in fact make his inattention issue worse. I won't say anymore about that here, regarding the pros and cons, as it is a different discussion entirely. What I will say is in agreement with what others have already said, if you want to take a natural approach for you, that's fine. He needs to make his own treatment decisions. I wouldn't take the natural herbs if I were him, regardless of your opinion on them.

You worry too much. You're 23 and way too young to be so focused on family and white-picket fences. If I were dating you, that would scare me away. Are you sure that he is on board with all of this? If he isn't, there could be some resentment brewing on his part, towards you. You're young, don't be in such a rush. I was raised Catholic, so I understand your perspective on this, but I'm trying to point out how damaging to a relationship it can be to rush it if he isn't on board with this. You should get out of your parent's house and on your own, but that doesn't mean supporting him. A big part of your problem is being in such a serious relationship at this point in your life. You haven't even lived on your own I'm guessing? You are jumping from your family of origin directly into wanting to start your own family. That isn't really healthy and there is a good chance that you will regret it in ten years. You two shouldn't be living together at this point, even if it is with your parents and you are in different rooms. You both need to get out there and live your lives, independently before settling down and worrying about the bigger picture. This screams of dependency issues on both of your parts. It's a catch-22 situation, because given your circumstances, you have no choice but to make plans for both of you as a couple, when you should only be making plans for you, yourself (at least until he has a job and a wedding ring). It's a crappy situation, and honestly, there is a good chance that it won't work out in the end. I do wish you the best of luck with it though. I'm just being realistic.

You're making a stand on porn? Really? Unless he has a porn addiction, this is hardly something to be concerned about. It's perfectly normal for a guy to look at porn. I understand that it is against your religious beliefs, but is it against his? If he really thinks that it is disgusting, he wouldn't be looking at it in the first place. Now, it sounds like he's lying to you because you have a problem with it and he doesn't. Frankly, if he isn't wasting money on it and he isn't spending an absurd amount of time looking at it, then you shouldn't concern yourself with it. It's normal behavior on his part. It may be against your values, but if it isn't against his, then you should let it be. If you don't want to be with someone who is ok with pornography, then you need to reconsider your relationship instead of trying to change him into a more moral person.

Your perception on his attention span is ridiculous. If he doesn't find a television show stimulating, then it has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not he finds you stimulating. You are not a television show, so don't take it so personally. That said, he needs to grow up and acknowledge that spending that time with you is important for your happiness. Bored or not, he needs to try a bit harder to make time for you. Love is about sacrifice and he doesn't seem willing to make one for your sake. There's no reason he can't sit with you and work on a suduko or something at the same time.

As others have said, you should never "involve" his mother unless it is for the sake of getting him some necessary help that only she can provide for. It's good to have open communication with his mother, but you should be asking her to fix you instead of fixing him. That's not to say that something is wrong with you, but rather, it allows you a chance to explain the situation to her without pointing fingers at him. Ask for honest feedback regarding how to deal with the stress of a relationship. Ask for advise on men in general. Whatever you do, don't go to his mother stating that "this" or "that" is wrong with him. She will either take your side and further alienate him or she will take his side and think you are some sort of dictator. Neither scenario will help you in this situation.

Seeking professional help needs to be his choice and his choice only.
It doesn't matter what you want, prescription wise... but again, that is a different discussion entirely. I believe that some people can be treated without medication but I'm highly skeptical of natural treatments for a multitude of reasons that are above and beyond the boundary of this conversation.

As a closing suggestion, try to get him to watch the John Gottman relationship videos on youtube with you. Make sure that you are both doing the right things and not the wrong things as a couple.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLXX8wzvT7c

You may also want to consider working with pre-marriage/relationship counselors through your church.

[PMA32389]

The only reason I say the next 3 years is because he, on his own volition, has said that as soon as he has his "big boy job" then he will plan on marriage. I admit I worry about things FAR in advance. I don't plan on having kids for probably 5 years, but the house is a real big thing, or at least us living on our own needs to happen. I have tried to never push any of those things on him. I actually never brought up marriage or kids or living together until he did first. Only 3 weeks ago he was talking about what our 1st child would be like. Signs like that at least mean he has thought about it and if he mentions it to me then it sounds like he is fine with the idea. And we both agree that kids have to come when we are more financial stable and independent.

On a side note, last night he actually didn't run to his computer after work! He came to say hi to me, did a sudoku puzzle, went to yoga with me, actually ate a meal at the kitchen table, and suggested we play cards rather than him running off. It was nice. Now I just gotta muster up the strength to ask him about the doctor thing.

[PMA32389]

Also eith the natural herbs, i am not a doctor, but my sister IS she is the one who told me what herbs to order for him. So I am not just guessing here. In regards to our sex life, we only have the separate rooms because we are still under my parents roof so to respect their wishes we had separate rooms. Now that being said we do sleep in my room and in my bed together. Our sex life is regular and I have never refused him sex so again it is on his choice there how frequently that occurs, I don't want to push him on it because that was an issue with his former gf.
Thank you for suggesting the Chrome application, I will talk to him about it later and see what he thinks.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by pmangs06

Also eith the natural herbs, i am not a doctor, but my sister IS she is the one who told me what herbs to order for him. So I am not just guessing here. In regards to our sex life, we only have the separate rooms because we are still under my parents roof so to respect their wishes we had separate rooms. Now that being said we do sleep in my room and in my bed together. Our sex life is regular and I have never refused him sex so again it is on his choice there how frequently that occurs, I don't want to push him on it because that was an issue with his former gf.
Thank you for suggesting the Chrome application, I will talk to him about it later and see what he thinks.

Youve gotten alot of suggestions here so its probably over whelming but it doesnt matter if you sister is a doctor, or if you find your own doctor, herbs and natural rememdies are not scientifically shown to treat adhd. The evidence just isnt there. I would hate to see him not get appropriate treatment out of deference to your sisters herbal recommendations.

[T-Rex65]

Originally Posted by pmangs06

Only 3 weeks ago he was talking about what our 1st child would be like.

The other folks here have given you some excellent advice. I can only think of one thing to add. You should give your guy some room to daydream about marriage, kids, etc. without making his dreams automatically become *plans*. Once something that big becomes a plan rather than a possibility, it can be very easy to become freaked out by it and retreat. Try to allow some "what if" into your life with him, rather than planning everything out in advance. Not knowing for sure what life holds for you can be fun if you allow it to be. It can even be romantic.

[PMA32389]

Thank you t-rex 65 I will definitely take that advice into account. I know I am guilty of getting too excited about future plans. I just already have that yearning to be wife I feel that I am at that stage being that I am finished with my undergraduate degree and all. I know many people see that 23 age and think I am very young, but I am also very mature and have always taken a caring motherly role for many of my friends. It is in my nature to act older than my age.

[kilted_scotsman]

Originally Posted by pmangs06

Thank you t-rex 65 I will definitely take that advice into account. I know I am guilty of getting too excited about future plans. I just already have that yearning to be wife I feel that I am at that stage being that I am finished with my undergraduate degree and all. I know many people see that 23 age and think I am very young, but I am also very mature and have always taken a caring motherly role for many of my friends. It is in my nature to act older than my age.

This rings BIG alarms bells for me.... hardly surprising your man is hiding in computer games. He hasn't got a girlfriend he's got a mother, all sounds a bit Oedipal to me. Give him a chance to grow up and make his way in the world... there's a decade or more before to go before decisions have to be made.

OK some people do the marriage/kids thing early...... but the people I've known it work out for are the ones where BOTH partners had a very can do attitude, a rock solid work ethic and were both good at networking earning opportunities out of thin air. ... and even then it was a major struggle for them as they didn't have the career/financial/personal foundations in place before events (pregnancy) overtook them.

Best thing...if you MUST make plans make them EVENT driven not time driven...

For example.... We will get married when we have BOTH been in continuous paid employment for 3 years. Following that we might try for kids when we have been in living stably our own place for years.

Once you have made those type of "plans" then look across at your boyfriend and think about how that's going to happen.

kilted

[T-Rex65]

Hi, pmangs06. I'm 46, unmarried, childless, and wondering what I want to do when I "grow up". I think I'm pretty much your opposite. :-)

There is nothing wrong with being excited and eager to get on with your life. And there is definitely nothing wrong with being mature and caring. Just try to leave yourself enough flexibility to meander a bit on the way to your goals. Personally, I have to work at setting a few things in stone, or at least in clay, in order to get anything done. So I would imagine that pulling back on the throttle may be difficult for you at first. I think your guy is more of a "meanderer", like me. (Is that a word? Yes, it is!) Maybe in time you two will balance each other out.

BTW, my guy is a meanderer, too. We spend a lot of time coming up with great ideas for the future, but very few of those ideas actually materialize because neither of us are that good at following through. That part can be frustrating, but we still manage to have a lot of fun with each other.

[Crazygirl79]

I have read this thread a better this morning and I have to say that I agree with Drewbacca's last post because I can also see that you really a big part of this guy's problem although I don't believe it's intentional.

While you mean well and are genuinely concerned about his addiction to the internet it does sound like you're trying to be controlling rather than helpful, in regards to the herbal medication you need to stop imposing your naturalists beliefs onto him and giving him stuff he doesn't seem to want and won't take on his own like you've mentioned it is not your right to impose those beliefs period and if he wants to use alternative therapies he will do that on his own accord and when he's ready, he does not need you to shove these pills along with your naturalists beliefs down his throat!!

Another thing Drew is right in terms of jobs and internships, worldwide people have problems getting jobs, internships, traineeships, apprenticeships etc and again it's up to him to make a decision as to what he does in terms of looking for these things and you need to stop attempting to organise his life like his mother would and you should not even be trying to find these jobs or whatever for him, that's his responsibility!!

To be brutally honest I really think you need to take a look at your own behaviour and try to fix some of it, try to a part of the solution instead of being a part of the problem like you are presently.

Selena

[Drewbacca]

Originally Posted by pmangs06

Also eith the natural herbs, i am not a doctor, but my sister IS she is the one who told me what herbs to order for him...

Still, it's only OK to experiment with the herbs if he is on board. It has to be his preference.

But anyways, I'm just trying to give you a different perspective, not challenge your positions. I hope that it all works out!

[Crazygirl79]

Kilted hit the nail on the head again...he is 100% right!!

The more you go on the more seems like this poor guy has a second mother and not a proper girlfriend, no wonder he's looking for other stimulation such as the internet and porn because deep down he probably wants a real girlfriend not a mother figure and it seems like you're not fufilling that role too well, how can you expect him to take responsibility for anything when you're there with a trusty dustpan and brush like a mother would be to clean up any messes he makes??

Try stepping back a little and I've also noticed that you tend to "thank" and respond to posts where a person seems to agree with you and you've also sidestepped a few questions as well which makes it seem like you're not overly interested in solving this issue properly, it sounds like you're only interested in controlling him with your beliefs and values, it sounds like you're only in this relationship for yourself and what you want..seriously girlie you're nowhere near ready for an adult relationship anymore than your boyfriend is and you both need to grow up and learn to stand on your own two feet!!

Selena

[PMA32389]

I guess I will start by saying that I don't believe that I have ever forced my beliefs on anyone, especially the man I love. I have asked him if he would take them and then he forgets to do it. And he himself says "oops I forgot". I do not believe that he sees me as forcing him to take them. Also as to the questions I have side stepped, mainly that is the porn issue because I have already fought with many ppl about this issue. I do believe that he thinks it is an issue and that he wants to change. He is also catholic and I know his mother and know he was not raised in an atmosphere to tolerate that type of behavior. I refrained from getting into this topic because I usually get ppl fighting me about religion, which that fight never ends.
In regards to me stepping back, I feel that I have tried this, I said nothing to him about his internship for 6 months and left it up to him for his responsibility. Then I gave gentle judges asking if he had gotten replies or where he was at with it.
And to the posts about me being controlling I guess I would like more feed back because he has never once said that I am over bearing, he always thanks me if I pick up a few things in his room for him, etc. He is a very light hearted guy and he would be the first one to let me know if I was over stepping my bounds. I am also protective of his health because I have been around him during times where he would drink himself into alcohol poisoning state and I would be the Only person who cared about his well being. I guess I still have fears that he will fall off the deep end in other aspects of his life(like with the internet and how he will forget to eat) like he did with his drinking. So I guess the biggest thing I see myself being guilty of is being scared for the person I love.