Breaking my own heart

[FlutteryPixie]

When I really, really want something, I try so hard, I get consumed by it. And the worst part is, there's just no way I can avoid it.

My boyfriend used to tell me not to spend so much time spinning dreams and plans around something I don't know for sure will happen, and I've tried to explain to him a million times that even if I try not to, I still do, and the heartache as my little dreams are crushed will be just as bad, except I wouldn't have had the joy of thinking about it, daydreaming and planning.

Well this time, it's a big one.

There's this house, it's beautiful, special, interesting, historical and moderately priced. I found it by chance, looking at a website with homes for sale. I love looking at homes and houses, and I often stare at those websites for no particular reason. I do the same with similar websites for other countries, and have "dream homes" in several.

But this one is special because it's achievable. It's close to my boyfriend's family, it's moderately priced as I said, and technically we could afford it according to our budget. So I started applying for jobs in the city, I contacted the bank, I decided to make an effort. In my mind, I of course have every single room in the house planned, I've secretly looked at websites with antiques for sofas etc for the living room, I imagine living in the kitchen, painting the guest house, walking down the street which I of course have memorized every detail of through Google Maps Street View... I've made budgets, I even scored a job interview next week for a job I don't really want, but which I would happily do for a while just to buy that house... I've been walking on clouds, imagining starting a family there, having halloween parties for the kindergarden (We don't have children yet), inviting the whole family to celebrate christmas, calling that house my house. Truth is, I haven't even seen it yet, it's in another city, and I planned a viewing at the same time as my job interview.

But then we talked to the bank yesterday.

I knew it would be tough, of course I did, but all the calculations, all the budgets said we can already do it. Their website loan calculator "said" we should be able to make a loan for the required amount of money, I knew we'd go through tough negotiations, having to prove we can do this, but I didn't think it would be a straight out no.

Nor was it, really, but it was a "for now, we should focus on talking about changes you can make to increase your chances in the future."

We still have an appointment with them, but my boyfriend is trying to break it to me that what I still somehow see as an opportunity is a very kind way of saying "not now", and that there's a high chance "my" house will be sold. I refuse to give up, but I know that it's "over", and now I have a job interview to go to, I still have to consider the job, but I don't know if I can do it, working nights and weekend shifts as well as daytime, if I don't have a reason like The House... I don't know what to do.

My boyfriend said we shouldn't go to a viewing when we know the bank will most likely say no because if we do, I'll just fall in love all over and it will be even harder to get a no. I also know that if we see the house, he'll see it the way I see it, and his wall that he's built up to avoid getting hurt by this "maybe perhaps if only" daydream of mine. But I so want to see it for real. He also says what's worse is if we do go, and they try to make a deal for us (they've been trying to sell the house for over two years), then we can't accept it, and if we get a yes in 6 months time and the house is still for sale they'll be less inclined to make deals then.

The worst part is that I know it's my fault we can't get the loan. When I was diagnosed with ADHD and started on medication, I "woke up" to debt, my credit card was maxed out, his credit card had taken a hit in the direction of minus just from trying to balance out my account whenever I exceeded the limits of my credit value. Our economy looked volatile and terrible six months ago, and it was all because of my impulse purchases, the worst part was realizing as I stared at those numbers that I had absolutely nothing to show for it. I don't have a closet full of designer outfits, or a collection of diamonds, or fancy furniture, or even a comfortable bed, I don't even know where the money went.

Since then, we've turned our economy upside down. My boyfriend made a system for our food budget which we've tried and failed our way to, realizing eventually that a hard cash budget was the only way for me to handle it. And now we are. Our food budget goes in plus most weeks, our accounts are both in plus despite a fairly low income, and thanks to my boyfriend, we've never been late with paying rent or any other essential bill despite my many splurges and mishaps in the past. But I don't know if 6 months is enough for the bank. I've even considered telling the truth, saying "look at how things have changed since my diagnose" but I don't think telling a complete stranger I have ADHD just to get a bank loan is a good idea...

I just have to realize I'm working hard on breaking my own heart here, but I don't know how to avoid it, I've never wanted anything more than this house, this home...and my boyfriend wants it too... It's the first time I've heard him daydreaming about anything, he usually avoids it to avoid just this kind of situation, since his luck is absolutely terrible.

Anyways, sorry about the long post, it's just been eating at me and getting my mood down for a couple of days now and nobody understands what I'm feeling because to everyone else around me, they never saw it going any other way and don't understand why I can't just accept that and why I didn't see it coming from a mile away.

[Fuzzy12]

((((((((PIXIE)))))))))

I'm sorry about the house. I do this a lot as well. I build up every tiny little idea. Spin day dreams around it, sometimes plan my entire life according to it. When it doesn't work out, I'm devastated (till the next idea). I don't deal well with disappointment at all.

I can't even stop hoping to change things that I know are physically impossible to change. I don't know how to deal with broken dreams except by replacing them with new dreams. I'm not sure if this would help but the next time you can feel yourself getting very excited about a dream could you maybe come up with an alternative at the same time, a plan B, in case that dream doesn't work out. Just so that you have something else to look forward to and it doesn't seem like the end of the world when one thing doesn't work out.

[jiffyPOP]

Originally Posted by FlutteryPixie

When I really, really want something, I try so hard, I get consumed by it. And the worst part is, there's just no way I can avoid it.

I totally understand what you are saying. I'm a dreamer myself. I was once told by an old Irish woman "You'll never plow a field by turning it over in your mind." I later found out it is an old Irish proverb, and how she said it made soo much sense at the time! Bless the Irish.

I knew exactly what she meant. It was a nice non-insulting way to call me a dreamer. She was telling me to stop dreaming about it and go get it!

At least you went for your dream! You actually WENT FOR IT and followed through. I often get consumed by the dream and only turn the field over in my mind. So don't stop dreaming, don't stop persuing, and listen to your husband's good financial senses. That house might be just our of reach today, but in a few years you can probably achieve it.

[stef]

I totally understand this!!!
when we moved here we, found our Dream Apartment in Paris. And we could have afforded it. But you have to have about 10 billion guarantees etc.
So we ended up in this suburb in a tiny apartment, but it's a beautiful town, we found a bigger place and it worked out really well for my son, it was close to a good high school and there is a university nearby. Plus I would never have found the band I'm in. so, you just don't know what's going to happen!

[Lillianmay]

I think we all like to dream about a dream home and it doesn’t have to be an expensive one – just our own place done up in our own style.

I actually think this is a good dream. I would view the house because you might fall out of love with it. I would put a picture of it where I would see it when I need to get motivated for my goals again. Start putting a little away for the down payment. The picture doesn’t have to be the house you eventually buy – just a reminder that this is a dream you want someday.

If it has been on the market for 2 years, maybe it will still be on the market in another 6 months. Also, if the owners really want to sell they may be willing to go lower in price. Different countries have different housing laws, but would the owners consider a “Rent to Own” program? If you fall in love with the house and the owners really want to get rid of it, maybe something can be worked out.

But, do not become a slave to buying a house that takes every bit of money you have to pay the mortgage and up keep. You can take even a simple ordinary house and make it your own by the furnishing and décor you pick. It helps to have great architectural details – bay windows, or a lovely wide front porch or great woodwork, but even a plain house can be made great.

[FlutteryPixie]

Thank you for all your kind replies!

I do hope the house is still for sale in 6 months, and there's a fair chance it is. It has many rooms but no logical 2nd bedroom because of the layout. it's very, very special, very old, but close to the city center, and with lovely details from the original architecture.

In fact, it's more than possible to have at least two kids in that house without "suffering" from the lack of logical bedrooms, because the concept that your bedroom should be private and no one else should need to walk through it to get to another part of the house is something we've created for ourselves, me and my boyfriend have both spent large parts of our childhood in very old houses where privacy is something people allow each other out of respect rather than by the option of locking a door, and I'm sure it's not a bad thing for an ADHD child that mom has to walk through his/her room on the way to the laundry room...

But yeah, I'm still hopeful. My boyfriend is just trying to make me realise that we shouldn't plan for the future just to have a chance at getting that house, but he did tell me today that "don't worry, if we can't get it this time around, we'll definitely buy it the next time it's for sale".

And like I said, since the house requires you to want to make it's quirks part of your everyday life, cances are some young-ish couple will buy it, only to sell when they themselves have children...which is the reason the house is for sale in the first place

Currently, I'm thinking that maybe, if the job is well enough paid to endure the shifting shifts (tee hee), I should take it and we should move, and use the fact that it's cheaper to live in that city to our advantage by choosing really, really nice apartment for about the same amount rent-wise as we currently pay rather than go for the cheapest hole we can crawl into. That way, the bank will, at whatever point we're able to make that sort of loan, see that we can handle a fairly high monthly rent without problems and still put money aside, and we won't get a no for a stupid reason like "the increase in living cost is unrealistic"...

And at the same time, we'd have an apartment we'd love to live in for the duration!

[LordranBound]

Hi Pixie -

First off, regarding the house. Buying a house is a difficult process and getting the right one is much like the search for true love or a soulmate. There's always a better one, there's always the one that got away, there's always the one your friend got that you wanted, the one you can't get, etc... There will always be another dream house, but just like a dream significant other, that can often be little consolation. I would say to try to treat this like the loss of a boyfriend. Mourn, but don't chase it. Then, when you're ready, go search for the next one.

As for 'doing what you always do', I hear you on that! To a large extent, I think we're all going to have strong tendencies towards certain behaviour. We can try to change it to some extent, but as we get older, it's wiser to accept what we are, do what we can do to mitigate the unpleasant symptoms, and keep learning. Getting caught up in 'little' dreams for you sounds a lot like most kinds of obsession: your mind is constantly brought back to some thought or line of thinking, which is energizing in some way (exciting, scary, arousing, etc). You tell yourself to stop thinking about it, but it keeps coming back, and part of you _wants_ to think about it because it's stimulating. On the other hand, there's a part of you that wants to stop because you know you're setting yourself up for sadness. Insight meditation and mindfulness are great techniques to help release obessions on a day to day basis. Among other things you can learn to notice how different themes of thought affect different parts of your body physically and it can be a fascinating and productively distracting experience.

Finally, I don't know if this is the best advice but it's how I make my way in the world: let yourself be sorrowful and mourn the way of the world. I don't mean to wallow in self pity or pessimism, but I contend that the world is a tough place, and there's tons of suffering and hardship. Find some creative outlets for it: listen to the blues, learn about poetry and art, read some of the classics, write your own fiction/peotry or play your own music. Let's face it, most great artists seem to have suffered more than the average person, so listen/see what these great minds have made and try to find some consolation in that! For me, it's a glass of scotch, some Tom Waits and maybe some T. S. Elliot.

All the best-

[spunkysmum]

Originally Posted by FlutteryPixie

We still have an appointment with them, but my boyfriend is trying to break it to me that what I still somehow see as an opportunity is a very kind way of saying "not now", and that there's a high chance "my" house will be sold.

That's only his interpretation of it. Your interpretation may be the right one. If the house hasn't sold in two years, it may not be sold in the next two, either. If people were beating down the door to buy it, it would be sold by now.

My boyfriend said we shouldn't go to a viewing when we know the bank will most likely say no because if we do, I'll just fall in love all over and it will be even harder to get a no. I also know that if we see the house, he'll see it the way I see it, and his wall that he's built up to avoid getting hurt by this "maybe perhaps if only" daydream of mine. But I so want to see it for real. He also says what's worse is if we do go, and they try to make a deal for us (they've been trying to sell the house for over two years), then we can't accept it, and if we get a yes in 6 months time and the house is still for sale they'll be less inclined to make deals then.

I don't understand why they would be less inclined to make deals in six months when they have been trying even longer to unload the house without success? Logically this makes no sense to me, the opposite seems much more likely.

I think you should go to the viewing. For one thing, there's always the possibility that the reality will not live up to your dreams of it. I'm not saying that's the most likely scenario, but if that DID happen, it would at least take care of the problem naturally, making it much easier to stop dreaming about it, and making the death of the dream less violent for you. Perhaps you should try selling that possibility to your boyfriend as part of your case for going to the viewing. I think you should go because shaking that wall your boyfriend has built around his heart may be enough to change his perspective, to allow his brain to open into new channels and start working on figuring out another way to make it work, inspired by the same hope that you know would inspire you to work hard at that job if you got it.

I just have to realize I'm working hard on breaking my own heart here, but I don't know how to avoid it, I've never wanted anything more than this house, this home...and my boyfriend wants it too... It's the first time I've heard him daydreaming about anything, he usually avoids it to avoid just this kind of situation, since his luck is absolutely terrible.

I know the risk is great for both of you, but I think you should take it. Especially him by the sound of it. Putting his heart and soul on the line for something for once could be transformative for him even if it doesn't work out the way he wants it. If he's been going through life denying himself dreams to protect his heart, blowing off that protective armor that's restricting his ability to live to the fullest could be the best thing that ever happens to him.

Chances are that not taking this as far as you can will eat at both of you a lot more than taking it to the max only to fail will. If it doesn't work out, you will be able to say that you did the best you could and for reasons beyond your control, it didn't work out. You'll have nothing to beat yourself up over. In my experience, that's a lot easier to live with than knowing you could have done more and not knowing what could have happened if you had.

[Joker_Girl]

Can you approach the people who are selling the house? Maybe they would allow you to put money down on it and make payments to them directly until you can secure financing.

Could you have a parent or someone cosign for you?

Just ideas I had. I dont know if either of these are options.

Good luck! I wish you the best with this.

[FlutteryPixie]

Originally Posted by Joker_Girl

Can you approach the people who are selling the house? Maybe they would allow you to put money down on it and make payments to them directly until you can secure financing.

Could you have a parent or someone cosign for you?

Just ideas I had. I dont know if either of these are options.

Good luck! I wish you the best with this.

Cosigning isn't possible in this country anymore, the bank told us. After 12-14 banks went bankrupt after the recession started, they stopped this practice which used to be quite common before.

Interestingly enough, both our families would probably be happy to do just that, but they can't.

Another thing is that house loans only run for 30 years here, meaning that the monthly expenses for owning are way higher than renting. For that reason, I doubt it's possible to rent the house from the owners - they may not be allowed to take that kind of money in rent, and can freeze the loan until the house is sold instead, which is probably what they've done if they've moved out already.

[Joker_Girl]

If cosigning isnt possible, would one of your parents be willing to take out the loan on it and allow you to make the payments?

[OwlReally]

Pixie, just wanted to share my experience buying my own "dream house": I was rejected by the first lender I tried because although my income was fine, I'm self employed and can't show consistent month-to-month income. It took some shopping around, but I found a lender willing to work with me (at a small bank that doesn't sell their loans, so in the end it worked out in my favor.) Sometimes if you have a "negative"...spotty credit history, odd income patterns, a lot of debt already...you have to try a couple of times before you find someone willing to work with you like a human being rather than a set of numbers.

All that is to say: don't give up yet. If you and your boyfriend really think you can make a go of this house, keep looking if you get a "no" at first. And good on you for following through on such an important, life-changing decision! I COMPLETELY understand what it is like to fall in love with a house (mine had a bad roof, no insulation, wiring from 1915 and plaster falling off the walls, but I didn't care. I loved it and two years later it's actually pretty comfortable!), but you've gotten good advice. If this doesn't work out, you've gone through a lot of important experience--applying for a loan, deciding you're ready to buy property, etc--and when you find another home you fall in love with, you'll be all set with your ducks in a row (seriously: getting all your documents for a loan application and then KEEPING THEM TOGETHER after you apply will save you so much headache when somebody asks you for a tax return or a pay stub down the line.)

Anyway, don't give up! And let us know how the viewing goes!

[FocusFlutterby]

Originally Posted by FlutteryPixie

I just have to realize I'm working hard on breaking my own heart here, but I don't know how to avoid it, I've never wanted anything more than this house, this home...and my boyfriend wants it too... It's the first time I've heard him daydreaming about anything, he usually avoids it to avoid just this kind of situation, since his luck is absolutely terrible.

Anyways, sorry about the long post, it's just been eating at me and getting my mood down for a couple of days now and nobody understands what I'm feeling because to everyone else around me, they never saw it going any other way and don't understand why I can't just accept that and why I didn't see it coming from a mile away.

Never be afraid to dream

When at first you don't succeed, dust yourself off and try again

Understand that nothing worth having is easy, but when you finally get there, every disappointment you've had will make it all the more enjoyable

Just. Keep. Going.

[FocusFlutterby]

Originally Posted by LordranBound

For me, it's a glass of scotch, some Tom Waits and maybe some T. S. Elliot.

You just took me to church lol.

[FocusFlutterby]

Originally Posted by FlutteryPixie

Cosigning isn't possible in this country anymore, the bank told us. After 12-14 banks went bankrupt after the recession started, they stopped this practice which used to be quite common before.

Interestingly enough, both our families would probably be happy to do just that, but they can't.

Another thing is that house loans only run for 30 years here, meaning that the monthly expenses for owning are way higher than renting. For that reason, I doubt it's possible to rent the house from the owners - they may not be allowed to take that kind of money in rent, and can freeze the loan until the house is sold instead, which is probably what they've done if they've moved out already.

Pixie my fluttery sista. I live in Australia, in a city with some the highest housing prices in the world- renting or buying. Like you, when my ADHD is under control, my finances are as well. I attempted to do a silly meds change months ago and ended up defaulting on a small personal loan MAINLY because I kept forgetting about it. Fortunately we are coming into a small trust in a few months and I will be able to settle this ONE debt. My credit rating will however have a tiny blemish for 5 years- not freaking out about that as we'd need to have about $30k saved here for a down payment on a typical first home buyers anyhow.

My plan is this. To appreciate what I HAVE, DREAM and work hard for what I want and not to put everything on hold until I get there. for example, I can still have a baby while renting, working and saving. I can use this 5 years to pay off my other two cards and stash some money in savings account partially in a trusted in-laws name (so I can't impulsively take money out without them physically going into the bank with me and signing).

It's not THE HOUSE petal, it's THE IDEA. xoxoxo